Alexstrazsa
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Joined July 2011
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Twilight receives an urgent message from the Princess to meet her, but it comes with something she didn't expect... a bouquet of flowers. With nothing but the words "It's very important!", Twilight sets off for Canterlot.
No, seriously. I'm looking for moments that might have elements of humor for others, but it's a futile search.
The deal is, ONE funny moment or three or five does NOT a comedy make. What makes a comedy is a story SPECIFICALLY designed to make someone laugh pretty much the whole time. And I don't think this story is meant to, in all honesty.
It's good otherwise, but I don't see it being funny.
I'm a little torn on this. On the one hand, I praise your originality for writing a shipping story that doesn't take off because one of the party isn't interested. You even made the most important reason be "I'm just not into other mares," which, arguably, is all the reason needed (I've long been of the opinion that Celestia must have gotten over the immortal thing years ago - better to have loved and lost than never at all, as they say. But I've no doubt Twilight might mistake it for an issue, and Celestia certainly didn't seem convinced, so no protest here for mentioning it).
On the other hand, I can't help but feel it's to short, too linear, to explore what you're trying to explore. I dunno if you were trying to play with the "Twilight gets summoned for Twilestia shenanigans" set-up that a lot of Twilestia stories have, but the whole idea of Celestia summoning Twilight to the castle in order to romance her opens a whole can of worms of Twi being under duress and abuse of authority by Celestia. Which is part of the reason that I'm torn - while I'd imagine someone as wise as Celestia would be more careful about this if she wanted to pursue a relationship, I gotta commend Twilight since she really tackled the issue well, calmly but firmly explaining her feelings on the matter in the climax of the story.
It's clear Celestia is rather excited. The letter doesn't actually carry any explicit order, but it does ask her to come directly to her. Likewise she's very flirty, to the point it makes Twilight uncomfortable. My question throughout all this - why is she so excited, so sure that Twilight will reciprocate? She's had a long time to consider this, but what changed? What prompted this that encouraged Celestia to be so forward in her attempt here? It just doesn't seem like her to throw caution to the wind and try this strategy (Again, my bias is clear, considering the title of my own Twilestia fic). It's possible Celestia has a great motivation, but she never voices it, so to the reader it seems like she's arbitrarily thrown off her wisdom/common sense and consideration for Twilight's feelings in order to act like a lovestruck cougar used to getting what she wants. I could definitely see Rarity doing this, perhaps even Luna, but Celestia? It's a hard sell.
On the whole, I applaud your portrayal of Twilight, but remain unconvinced by your portrayal of Celestia. The climax was great, but we're never given a reason for Celestia's out of behaviour actions. I'm really worried that Celestia was written like that to justify the climax, which would be disappointing since I don't see that as necessary to reach that lovely conclusion of the tale.
Thank you very much for the thoughtful comment! First, thank you for the compliments. Going into this, I wasn't really sure how I would do because I've never written a story like this before, so It's good to see that I got part of it right. As for your criticism, I agree that it was too short. See, this was for a little event I was participating in, and the idea was to write a fic that was less than 10k and use a prompt. Now, if I wanted to, I could take this idea and bring it multiple chapters and flesh things out - especially Celestia. Thinking back, I realize I probably should have started it off with Celestia doing some planning so that I could show her side of the story and better justify how she's acting. I was trying to portray that she's very excited and giddy because she's been waiting to do this, and the day has finally come, so she can't wait to finally explain her feelings.
Of course, you, the reader, wouldn't know that last part. The explanation for it is definitely something to consider adding in.
Ah, a challenge fic, was it? I couldn't tell, such was the quality, bravo.
I can totally get behind Celestia being giddy over finally confessing to Twilight, on a number of levels - one, everyone loves happy Celestia, two, it lets the reader understand her motivations and gets us to root for her, and three, gives the reader a bigger punch in the gut in the subversion when Twilight denies her. She'd need some strong reasons to mistakenly believe Twilight feels the same, of course, to go with such powerfully romantic gestures.
As an addendum, if you're considering a tweak her and there I might avoid mentioning "I've looked after you since you were a filly" and the like, as that's another can of worms that doesn't need to be opened. Might I recommend her feelings began to bloom as Twilight did, during the season when she became an independent mare? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all.
Huh, ship-that-isn't, except it's not written as a rabid anti-shipping story with rabid hateful sentiment, but simply- huh.
Okay, this was very, very different, and it was also well written. I hitched (in a good way) on some phrasings, some little bits where you have good variance, and I like that, but as far as the overall arc goes, I think I have to echo what's been said before here; the length kind of hurts it.
Don't get me wrong here - I liked reading it, it was worthwhile, and the hooves-up is heartfelt. The idea behind the emotional payload is supreme, and the general way that Twilight treats it - as well as the very end - is well done, to me. I just feel it could've perhaps benefitted from a longer buildup (somepony commented on Celly PoV first perhaps?) and making Celly's approach to this, well, hm.
I am aware that Celly's characterization in pure canon, combined with her status as a near-goddess (as you say) makes any attempts at attributing her with a hard canon approach to the situation impossible. All the same, she seems a little more flimsy and frail than I would have thought her; you could easily have emphasized how she's out of touch with things due to her status, as an alternative.
That may just be personal preference, though. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the TwiLestia interactions here, at all. I like how you handle the crux of the conversation, too. The length "issue" (if it can be called such a thing) is the only thing I feel reasonably sure about - it simply feels too short to harvest this payload.
Well done though! I could never write anything like this. I'm bad at short fics, and, well, not shipping? You be crazy, pony! (I kid.)
I was going to make several comments but Varanus deftly handled most of my issues with the story. My only remaining criticism involves Twilight's "Not enough free time" reason. I have problems with this on two levels. 1. Over the +1000 years of Equestrian history the society hasn't developed a governing hierarchy to handle a good number of decisions that must be made on a daily basis. Add in the fact that she ruled alone for a 1000 years I have a hard time believe that between her sister, the Royal Guard, and various other representatives(Mayors exist so I'm assuming there might even be governors?) that they wouldn't be to handle Celestia in a diminished role. 2. It implies that she's not entitled to have what other ponies have a real "life". Everyone else is allowed to have someone to love and hold them but not you is a pretty harsh statement.
It helps that those are Twilight's reasons for why she believes the relationship couldn't work, and might not necessarily reflect the reality of the situation. Both it and the first reasons could be argued with, and Celestia certainly seemed ready to refute them. However, the third reason is the inarguable one - Twilight just isn't attracted to her. The relationship could never happen in this context, so it isn't needed in this story to dispute the other issues - which is why I said it was the only reason that was needed.
I'm guessing Twilight looking up to her and always trying to do her best doesn't quite cut it, hehe. Also, I've removed that line. You raised a good point.
Thanks for the comment! I'm really considering adding a scene at the beginning to help with Celestia's emotions about things, which will either make the fic better or worse depending on how I write it. Hopefully better.
Well, in my head I was just thinking how as soon as Celestia wakes, she probably spends most, if not all of her waking hours doing something, whether it be holding court, disputing claims, foreign relations, etc. A lot of important political stuff that requires her constant attention. Of course, as you said, her staff could most likely handle things if she gave up some responsibilities. However, that's just one of the reasons Twilight brings up, even if it is harsh.
Well, always admiring her is a good start, but let's not forget that Twilight saved her sister Luna from the corruption of Nightmare Moon; defeated Discord, the only being that could frighten her; and boldly took on an army of changelings without a moment's hesitation - all the while is being a good conversationalist who appreciates history and magic, and relishes Celestia's company for who she is rather than the crown on her head, as seen in Best Night Ever.
Twilight is a prodigy and likely one of the most important heroes to Equestria ever. I'd say that's enough to make anyone pause and take another look, don't you? 
There was love potion in that wine.
Not bad. Some grammar errors that drew me out of things, but hey, we were all on a limited time period. If given more time to breathe and the setup more time to become creepy (although "Celestia coming on strong" does have its own sense of creepiness, I'd think she'd go for a more subtle approach rather than blundering in), I could see this having a nice effect overall. Right now it feels a bit rushed, but in terms of our little contest, well done.
While I can appreciate a story of this nature that lacks the usual venom and vitriol common to the anti-shipping fic, I can't help but feel that this whole thing is more than a little contrived. Wouldn't have Celestia known Twilight isn't into mares by now? She is centuries old, the ruler of Equestria and Twilight's mentor and friend, so you'd think she would know how to pick up on things like that. Furthermore, why didn't she confirm that Twilight was into mares first before coming on to her? Again, given her age and rank, you'd think she would know to err on the side of caution by now, regardless of her personal feelings. Varanus has already voiced the rest my issues with the story better than I could have so I guess I'll leave it at that.
As much as Twilestia is my OTL, it's good to see a writer who understands their relationship isn't about sex. Celestia can get that from any yes-mare and it would be step down in character for Twilight to just meekly submit to her ruler's desires.
Still, it does feel a bit short and Celestia's out of character. It'd be one thing if Celestia's wasn't terribly good about relationships, but she seems too self-assured in this fic for that to be the case. OTOH, you said this was intended to be a short one-shot, so this is more of a nitpick.
Inasmuch as I have no experience with dating on my own side of the aisle, what makes a story of this sort work (or fail) for me is the plausibility of the response by the pony being approached. Twilight is clearly unnerved; however, she trusts that the Princess will do the right thing and not force the issue. This, to me, is a very Twilight response, and for me, it's enough to justify voting it up.
(Note: I have not read a lot of these as yet. Is there a worthy effort in which Celestia, in Veylon's phrase, really isn't terribly good about relationships?)
An interesting take on Twilestia. It was well-written, but I have to echo the commenters who say Celestia didn't seem in-character here. I have to imagine a being of her age and wisdom wouldn't obliviously go down the checklist from "Dating Advice 101". Why couldn't she tell that Twilight wasn't interested right away? It made the whole thing unbelievable.
I spotted one mistake:
"Nice and relaxing for my student and I..." -> "and me..."
I have to echo Varanus comments mostly. I was half expecting this to be a Trollestia fic where at some point she'd scream out "JUST KIDDING," because it all went so fast and came out of nowhere. A bit more Celestia background would be nice, I think.
Twilight came across realistic and believable, though I thought her "You don't have free time" reason was a bit bitchy and out of place. Here you have a pony who pretty much lives for the wellbeing of other ponies, and Twilight is saying she can't be a suitable lover (not only to Twi, but in general) because of that. Sounds a little unthankful and insulting.
For the rest it was written very well and also original (to me, at least).
It was a good read, and I'll like it because i respect it, but I felt it was rather shallow. The entire time I was expecting some big drop that would really end up wrenching my heart, but I guess I just wasn't feeling it at the end. I felt like it really could have had so much more depth.
It was... pretty good, I suppose. It was well written, without a doubt, but to me Celestia seems a little OOC here. Kind of like what Varanus was saying, I'd figure Celestia would be better with this kind of thing, being over 1000 years old and all. But instead, it's mostly Twilight doing the teaching here.
Again, it wasn't bad by any means. Just not entirely my cup of tea, I suppose. 
...aww..I was disappointed by no twilestia...but it was still really good. if you would have made it so their friendship and stuff would have been severed I would have raged at you so hard...but you're totally realistic about it. while i personally create a situation where the realism still allows it...you did a good job with this.
Oh a story by Alexstrazsa...
Hmm... You know, the truth isn't always fun. And while Twilight is probably perfectly in character, I don't think Celestia would ever propose first.
Thinking about it, Celestia was totally not in character.
It wasn't funny... It wasn't sad...
Meh.
3 Mustaches out of 5. 
Hrm.... That romance tag threw me, I don't usually associate that with an anti-ship fic.
I'm conflicted on this one. I can understand Celestia getting a bit over excited, (though not really that much) and I can see Twilight turning her down. What I just cannot picture is Twilight being so calm and collected about it.
This is the same Twilight I'm thinking of right? The one that panics every time the princess visits for fear of the slightest mistake leading to said princess being disappointed?
Also, its one of the great tragedies of human (and I assume pony) nature that people will almost always go against their own desires and better judgement to please those they look up to.
I can see this as an ideal how to scenario, but almost impossibly difficult to actually do.
Please pardon my over analysis of a very well written fic.
To be fair, the first two reasons are arguable.
It can easily be argued that it's better to love and lose than to never love at all, and that being with the one you love until death is the best kind of life. Thus, even though Twilight wouldn't live nearly as long as Celestia, they could both live happily together.
Second, the fact that Celestia is extremely busy is legitimate, but she does have other ponies she can trust to take some of the weight of ruling off of her, giving her more free time. Therefore the 'you are simply too busy' reason can be taken off the table.
The only reason that really ends the conversation is 'I'm not into other mares' in which case there's nothing that can be done. Celestia MAY have had a chance to figure this out before, but then again, who sends letters to their ruler, surrogate mother, and teacher with details of their sexual preferences? I know I wouldn't, but that might just be me.
Very... Meh.
It's good, finely wrought, wording is fine, but it just...
Lacks that spark. The story falls flat and it seems that there's no real heart it it. The ending came far too soon for me, and I'd think that this is something that would go on. But then again, even if it did, it would still be rather flat. There is no real way to create a good story from this.
O liked the story but I find it pretty brutal that not only did Twilight shoot Celestia down, but she basically told her she was wasting her time going after anypony ever.
“Second, you are far too busy to be involved in a serious relationship."
So what. because she's an awesome ruler she doesn't get a personal life? The heck with that. Turning the princess down was no big deal, but telling her to basically get back to work & stop trying to be happy was pretty heartless.
I'll throw in my own two bits by saying I agree with most of the sentiments of the detractors above. Celestia just doesn't feel like Celestia. She's not conducting herself in a manner befitting a princess, not even a princess with romantic intentions. She is far too forward much too quickly, and there isn't any setup or development of her character to support a gradual, believable divergence from canon, which I think is absolutely necessary when tackling anything of this nature; she's not like Luna, who for a long time didn't have much official character definition, which left her wide open to fan interpretation to define her "fanon" character, much like the multitude of otherwise undefined background ponies. Here, "Celly" is sort of like Molestia Lite, as in she's basically Molestia without the deviant or non-consensual romantic intentions or abuse of power. So what we have is a Celestia that isn't well enough defined to fit with any of the well-defined Celestia archetypes, whether it be Celestia, Trollestia, or Molestia.
While it was technically well written grammatically and structurally, overall, I just didn't enjoy it.
This seems to be one of the two responses I get with this fic. People either like it or they don't, because of Celestia's characterization, and I can understand that. Unfortunately, the only way I can really fix this story is by being better at writing in general. So, I thank you for the criticism and comments, whether they be positive or negative. They've helped me identify where the writing had fell flat.
Hopefully I don't make this kinda of mistake again.
Twilight mentions that she understands how thought out her plans are, then implies that she did not think about the fact that she is immortal?
Twilight realizes that is a date and wait until she pulls out the wine? Celestia is cheery and confident about her day, that happens to be her
first date and decides to bring alcohol? In the bedroom?! Twilight suggests a drink after exposing that she has absolutely no physical
attraction towards each other? Than Celestia accepts willingly? This is not a shipping... If anything Molightia, she drugs the drink, many things
in this 'story' seems 'somewhat' off road from the original character development, just saying, it seems to be possible...
Shipping category is mixed by the invoking partner as the first half of the name... In the sense of a molestation, it's a bit more than instigation so
it becomes beginning and end, thus creating Molightia. Certainly not Twilestia.
The emotional side of things were so shallow that not only did Twilight appearantly not give a fu#$ but hopefully a literal inriched reader wouldn't either.
Tough love, there are some epic stories, acceptable stories, stories that could become better through experience and possibly study, then there is
troll fictions. I just felt like it could be better through experience, and really it wasn't that bad, just... meh, if your intentions were towards Molestia
then theres really not much you can do.
That was exactly what I was thinking at the end. "Celestia's just playing along, she just needs Twilight to drink that drugged wine~!"
Alternatively, "Great, now they're going to get drunk and accidentally have drunken fun-tiems despite all this. Cue Twilight's sexual-identity crisis." (I would read that)
Loved it, thumbed it, faved it.
I'd read that, too. I mean... what? Twi's real reason for not wanting to be with Celestia is that she wants to be a mother. Celestia's far too old to give a damn about little jealousies. No reason why Twi couldn't find someone to sire for her and still be with Celestia. If anyone was worth testing her implied bi-curiousness being that she's "what you would call straight", it'd be her loving idol and goddess. xD
I see all these deeply intellectual comments that most certainly give a fellow the sort of pause that can only be filled with a creased brow, a stern visage, perhaps a spot of chin stroking and definately a few gentle but sage nods of the head. All I can say is that your description of celestias shoes as boots absolutely delighted me for reasons that I will never quite understand. I feel like writing a fic about celestia and gumboots (gummies being a bit of a cultural icon here in nz) as it feels like the only logical conclusion for me. If im brave enough I may even submit it :-) anyway...
tl;dr - great story, enjoyed it thoroughly :-) but... whats this... in the end... and then they all _didnt_ f****d?? what do? you are some kind of wizard writer revolutionary in the ponyfic world!
The story was OK - some good, some bad. I must say in its defense, however, that I can easily explain to myself how Celestia have no experience in dating. While it is not my strange headcanon, I have no problem with Celestia, when Luna disappears and she has to handle the whole government and cosmic duties herself, avoiding all relationships - to be pure, to be unbiased, and to punish herself for any guilt she might feel over being forced to banish Luna.
But now Luna has come back. Everything is going to be OK again! And here is this young woman she could really love... but she knew love last time back in Eohippus days when it consisted of a stallion bucking a mare in the face and dragging her home to the cave for mating. Having a knowledge of romance isn't the same as having practical experience dating. Even if she was there all these 1000 years she was not present among mortal ponies!
I don't feel the story gives the right information to me why she takes this step NAOW, but it works for me.
Except for the "sorry, not a lesbian" which is really the only thing needed, Twilight's excuses don't make much sense (I've never liked the first, and if the second was true no real world ruler would have had any relationship ever), but they are her excuses, not absolute facts. I must admit I had a wish that Celestia would do as Osgood from Some Like It Hot and shout "Well, nobody's perfect!" at the end, but... Twilight comes out a little too calm and collected for the situation, but it could be like Fluttershy getting the courage to tell off a dragon but whimpering in front of minor threats. Twlight knows this is it and she must do the right thing.
Anyway, kudos to a shipfic that ends in normal, slice-of-life level tragedy (as most real-world romances do). Not anti-shipping and more "what happens if a relationship doesn't even start". It has probably been done and I've missed it, but...
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Good job though!
but still good none the less. Very good. 
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