• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 17th, 2012

iheartfornax


E

Through the workings of an ancient scroll, the world of ponies is transported to another universe. Will this cold, heartless, and uncaring void be the end of ponies everywhere? For to carve out a place of their own in this new galaxy, what ancient secrets, forbidden practices, and forgotten artifacts must see the light of day and night?

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 49 )

:pinkiegasp: I don't know how I found myself here. Weather it was from Love of Ponies or Love of Mass Effect. But now that I am here, I am inspired to do my part for EQUESTRIA! *favorites and tracks* Adore what you've done here and will be keeping a close eye.
*Eagerly awaits the next chapter*

Oh noes. :fluttercry: The Illusive Man is coming for us.
Somebody call Shepard! Please.... anybody :fluttershysad:

:rainbowderp: Graphite.... Nooooooooooooo:raritycry:
It is ON!:flutterrage:

Love how you set up the conflict between the batarians and the 'apparently harmless' Ponies. Teach those four eyed meanies to come to bring Guns to a Magic Fight.

*hail's to Celestia* :trollestia:

Don't lie to her, alien. Submit to the Princess!

"For only those that have mastered War and all of it's horrors to it's fullest potential shall ever know a true and lasting peace."

I forget where I heard that or who said it, but it makes so much sense to me in this context. I am actually amazed at how you portray the Princesses as capable 'War-Time' Leaders. But I suppose if they are truly immortal, it makes sense that they are the only living beings on Equestria that truly remember what 'War-Time' is. Poor Twilight, having to learn 'Violence'.

Also, I LOVE Dr. Dustov. and that accent! I can't help but hear the medic from Team Fortress 2 when I read him/her (I am unclear if it's a Colt or a Filly).

I just hope that any 'First Contact' team from the Citadel or the Alliance treats the Princesses with the respect due their station.

*PRAISE LUNA!*


It sounds like Celestia plans on betrayting him and killing the people he sends her.

That... is not a nice thing to do now.

I hope that's not what Celestia plans, because all that will do is make her more enemies.

This might just be because I'm a fan of both ME and MLP:FiM, but I think you might be onto something here. I wonder how Shepard will fare against the princesses and Twilight.

But... How are the ponies going to fare with Geth and the Reapers. Ponies, AI, Gigantic Destroyers of Entire Civilizations and Species...

I hope you still got the motivation to continue this one, I like it very much because its a Crossover but still got a lot of OC. (I menan the Idea not the characters I'm not so much into OC caretakers)

18670

DAMN YOU DICTIONARY!
here the "corrected" version of my comment:

I hope you still got the motivation to continue this one, I like it very much because it's a Crossover but still got a lot of OC. (I menan the Idea not the characters I'm not so much into OC characters)

This is exactly what Princess Celestia would do. So far, this is my favorite crossover in this entire fandom!
WIN:trollestia:

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF. THAT PICTURE!
I shall give you a kiss for it.:rainbowkiss:

I'm LOVING this, please continue.:pinkiehappy:

Interesting character design. Is Dusk based on the toys?

And I'm not sure if you didn't know or knew and went with the pun anyway, but Knightmare translates to "knight lady". Not a particularly intimidating title, and inaccurate besides.

2278 At least Cerberus isn't the Reapers.


The formatting on chapters 2, 3, and 4 is really messed up. 1 and 5 appear fine though. But the others really need to be reformatted.

Other than that...

Really -great- story!^_^ I'm loving it!^_^ A -good- fanfic!^_^

If you ask me, most of the stuff in these chapters seems pointless

Its like filling in gaps to make the chapter longer. It was really boring for me
and i found my self scrolling through entire paragraphs with a :trixieshiftleft: expression on
my face.

I like the story, but i would appreciate if you would cut the drabble or at least make it more interesting. I would like that, but
i cant force your hand or make you change, just asking.

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

2282 Shepard will have to do it the paragon way.

Dig

Its a brilliant story, but as It goes on I keep getting more questions. 'What does this have to do with it?' 'Why are they there?' 'Who the hays that?'

Not sure If im just extremely tired and wanting sleep, being 4am. I like where this is going though. I just feel like I'm loosing track of whats happening in the story. Characters, description and such are brilliant though. I also like how Luna is on the same 'level' as Celestia. In most fics I've seen shes the weak little sister being guided by someone throughout the story :trollestia:
Don't stop writting by all means! This has some epic potential. Can't wait to see more :twilightsmile:

I will have to agree with Iraglobsaths comment here. The story is comprised of interesting ideas, but much of it is handled rather sloppily. But I could say the same about the past three chapters really.

In general, there's a lot of tell and very little show. In fact, despite being five chapters into this story I have no idea who the main character is. From what I've read, it's either the Mane 6, the Princesses, or any of the 6+ OCs you've been heaping varied attention on. Despite having just now finished all five chapters, I can't remember all of them. By the time your next chapter is released, I'll probably have forgotten about them entirely.

My advice is to stick to the actual characters the story are about, rather than jumping all over the place as you have so far. We really didn't need to see that weapon testing department. The new powersuits could have been introduced in a way that didn't have us consider three random OCs which I'm assuming will only carry out a role in the periphery of the story.

Also, I seriously hope you have a good reason for the extensive surgery of that poor guard, because quite frankly it was barbaric and seems to be utterly useless. Making a pony a meat eater “just because” seems juvenile at best when their entire society could otherwise live off of plants. I can’t find a single reason for why it would be needed, except to make them look scarier. Which isn’t a reason I can imagine as good in either Lunas or Celestias view.

Now, the princesses are another point of concern. Rather: Their blatant use of torture and subterfuge. I can’t see either Celestia or Luna willingly allowing their ponies to cut up a live prisoner like that, not to mention planning to kidnap a human to do it before any offense have been brought against them. Frankly, the way you’re portraying them is abhorrent and the only appropriate word I have for describing them so far is “Evil”. They are taking measures preemptively which I would have thought they’d only use as a last resort. (And even then, the torture? I’m sure they could get the information they needed in a less crude manner, heh.)

Anyway, I believe I’ve been lengthy enough, but I try to be constructive with my comments rather than writing a basic “i like this” or “this sux”. It’s an interesting idea, and I’m not at all opposed to introducing more mature concepts to the world of ponies, but it needs great care to truly feel like it “fits in”. We’ll see what comes next, you might expect another long comment in the future :).

134258
wait I'm confused.. is this Mass Effect ''Cannon'' or Mass Effect 2 ''Cannon''?

134357

On the contrary, that "drabble" is called "character development" and is vastly important to a good story. This story has a good amount of it, which is great

Ignore the critics.

The character development is good.

All you need to do is fix that formatting problem on 2, 3, and 4.

135573
Yes that is important, but it was very uninteresting for me. Reading it just made me... Tired.

I went back and looked, some of that stuff i realized was important and i did read it though, but i still felt like falling
asleep when i tried with other parts.

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

Chipping in with IraqLobstah and Zanzibar. You're having some serious trouble getting to the point in this story. It feels like you're trying to write on a schedule. The main problems that falls out of that is a feeling of "when in doubt, filler", and it makes for a story that's like eating nothing but Froot Loops for a week.

Most of the last 3 chapters have been completely unnecessary. I think the main lesson here is that importance does not necessarily warrant verbosity. Yes, ramping up to war is important, but most of the scenes doing so could have been skipped over entirely and the key details dropped in passing during a more relevant scene. It's okay to let the reader fill in blanks. For a fundamental change in setting this dramatic and sweeping, you kind of have to; it would be overwhelming and nothing will ever go anywhere otherwise.

I don't have an issue with OC's, but I do have an issue with the story meandering around that darn many of them without really giving me a reason to keep track of any of them; camera time alone is not a sufficient reason. I get the feeling that the ones who will wind up actually being immediately relevant -- the human negotiators -- are the ones who got the most shortchanged by all the filler. About all we even saw of them was a snippet of very generic dialogue and, worse, narrative exposition of their personality (something you should never, ever have to do).

Probably the easiest solution to this is a leaf you can take right out of Mass Effect! Most of the setting and backstory in the games was told through quick little glances to the side instead of dropped in your face as railroad cutscenes. Many of the characters involved didn't even need a name. Say, the Manes or Starbuck overhear a technician in the castle, or see someone hauling in cannibalized equipment from the batarian ship.

The other huge problem is that Celestia and Luna feel like you're trying way too hard to show them as hardened wartime leaders, and not very hard in determining in what ways that would actually be a remotely effective approach. I can see Luna making her night guard visually intimidating, but the surgery was entirely unnecessary in lieu of magic, and most of the meat they'd be eating is sapient. Torturing the batarian was gratuitous and unnecessary; they could have used magic to interrogate him, and dissected the dead ones. Kidnapping a human to do the same thing while in the middle of introductory negotiations with them is not only gratuitous and unnecessary, but just about the best way to announce to the galaxy that you're bat-apples, puppy-eating, Cupcakes-level evil. I mean, do they really want their first impressions on the rest of the galaxy to be "yeah, we kidnap and vivisect first contact diplomats :pinkiecrazy:" The hell? That would be over the top for The Illusive Man, much less Celestia and Luna.

Anyway, hope this helps. I don't want to sound like I'm saying your writing sucks. It doesn't. Your prose and sense of atmosphere are good, and frankly that's the hardest part. I've seen better stories written less proficiently. You have the tools. You need pacing and forethought in using them.

IraqLobstah, Waypoint, and Zanazibar pretty much stole what I had to say.

But I will say that I will be VERY disappointed if Tali doesn't ride Twilight at some point. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

This story sounds awesome :twilightsmile:

And I don't mind the OC ponies and stuff but if the story is mostly about OC's or just jumps around then people like me, I have ADHD and a somewhat short attention span, will lose interest and stuff. But hey it's your story and it still sounds awesome :pinkiehappy: If only I could just bash a cookie into the screen and it pops up in your room from your screen...ah well only pinkie pie can do that :applecry:

Oh Gawd, Tim? The Illusive Man? Tim.. >.< *groans* what a lame pun. lol. Still decent reading though.

"IraqLobstah, Waypoint, and Zanazibar pretty much stole what I had to say."

Ditto. Although, I do have a few comments of my own. While I agree that the description is over the top in places, it is well done on the whole. I don't mind the jumping around characters quite as much as some of them seem to. I think you've handled it well, and it reminds me of the Mass Effect books I've read, to name a few that clearly do the same thing. That said, you do need to indicate who/whom your main characters are going to be. For instance, while the first ME book, Revelations, switches perspectives a lot (and occasionally might take the perspective of a dockworker on Omega or something similar), the primary focus is on 3 people/ groups as I recall: Anderson, Kahlee Sanders, and Saren.

My impression is that, from the way you had Celestia send the book to Twilight and instructed her to share it with the rest of the mane 6, as well as Twi's immediate summoning to Canterlot, you intend to make them part of the main 'team', like Shepard recruits teammates. I feel like you brought them into the universe, and now are telling us how they are adapting to the new universe, which is good. I honestly am not surprised at all that it's 5 chapters in and we haven't left Equestria yet. Don't let the others fool you, I see the importance behind what you are doing. Just try not to fall into the trap of over-describing every last detail.

Luna and Celestia.. *sigh* I agree that the teeth thing is a bit much. There's no real need to change Starbuck's diet.. though why he is a guard and not the owner of a chain of coffee franchises across Equestria is beyond my comprehension. I feel that the torture.. well, if Luna hadn't actually been there, it might have felt better to me. I could see the two Alicorns not condoning it, but looking the other way if it happened. Luna.. I could see her doing something psychological in nature.. like make the Batarian think they were dissecting him when he was in fact laying on the bed asleep.. but she would have to tap into some of the darkness inside her to do it.

Final comment: For the love of all that is good and holy in Equestria... DO NOT have the ponies attack the humans first. I can see a conflict arising when The Illusive Man realizes that they can't teach humans magic, but.. to launch a pre-emptive strike is too out of character for the Princesses.

Anywho. I hope you listen to this, don't take it personally but as constructive criticism, and improve on this story. I really like where it is going.

The story has potential and on the technical side of things you are a decent writer.

However.

Some of your scenes kind of drag on: I find myself reading every other line until I come to something interesting again. There is also a lot of grimdark for grimdark's sake. I haven't got any problems with grimdark, but you have to make sure that it fits. Celestia and Luna especially are completely out of character because of it and not in a "side we've not seen before" kind of way - They come across as stupid. I mean they are in a completely new, unknown universe and you have them strutting about like they have seen it all before and know exactly what they are doing. You have them pick up the inner workings of completely alien technology like it ain't no thang. Even going as far as being able to mass produce it days after finding it. That's like a cave man being given a nuclear reactor or the space shuttle and him just going 'I understand all of this COMPLETELY'. Yeah they had the VI but it still seemed far too easy. Too convienent. Honestly I'm waiting for the rain of nukes, napalm and nerve gas just to see the shit eating grin wiped off of Celestia's face.

Anyway, rant over.

I look forward to the next chapters.

Princess Celestia: Calm, gentle, understanding, willing to gve a chance. BUT YOU ONLY GET ONE! Fuck it up and she'll make you WISH you were dead...after her guards beat the tar out of your friends and she demolishes your only hope of escape.

I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite poni on the citadel.

I like the idea, and I would like to read more. I hope you don't go though with the kidnapping. It is a little over the top.

500 years later > Accessing Mental Internet Database > FIMfiction.net history > Searching Magic Effect > Story Registered as incomplete

You had me at Mass Effect crossover. Now let's see if you can keep me.

Wow...Celestia is a total bad asa. On another note, fix your spacing! It's so hard to read this.

134258 that line goes away in Mass Effect 3

I'm Dax Blade, and this is my favorite type of crossover on the internet.

Celestia is going to woop your flank four eyed freak! (Sorry I always hated the Batarians)

Two things. Why do you format like this? It's incredibly hard to read, and to understand what's happening.

Next; you've successfully made me hate Cerberus more. I despise everyone on that whole team. Gregor is self righteous, and arrogant. Both the girls are way too pretentious and bitchy. John is a sociopath, and Mark is an idiot.

Why isn't the story finished? At least this site tells you if the story's are incomplete, that is one thing I can't stand is reading a unfinished story.

Good Story

X-com Equestria? With baltarieans as the enemies?
I have to read more to see where this goes.

Wait, did this just change from 'canceled' to 'incomplete', or am I crazy?

Nope, still abandoned for more than 5 years.

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