More Stories2

  • E Two Worlds Intertwined

    A pony is transported to Earth and makes friends with a human
    5,638 words · 786 views  ·  14  ·  1
  • E A Tale of Two Pegasi

    James is turned into a pony and is adjusting to his new life as one
    11,240 words · 401 views  ·  4  ·  5
  • ...
 34
 1,477

An elite team of seven ODST are sent to sabotage a Covenant Super Carrier when things take a turn for the worst: the carrier sets off radiation and jumps into slipsace, sending the seven into an unkown land of Equestria. They are scattered far and wide, with no knowledge of each other's lives. The land is inhabited by talking horses and the seven need to figure out what went wrong and not get banished by the local monarchy by sudden infiltration on her land. They seven also are known to be 'The Squad' and will they get back to New Mombasa and stop the glassing of it?

First Published
16th Jun 2012
Last Modified
16th Jun 2012
#1 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Actually. The carrier that was above New Mombasa was an Assualt Carrier. Not a Super-Carrier.

#2 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Eeyup, but so far, Me Gusta

#3 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Combat Drop ·

Wat? :rainbowhuh:

Write more of these

#5 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>755035 *Facepalm* I just knew that I left something out, but onto storywise. Is it good?

#6 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Combat Drop ·

Deja vu :derpyderp2:

#7 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Yes, I think it's good. Sorry about pointing that out. I just thought you should know. Good story.

#8 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>756687 Deja Vu, how so?

#9 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

A fairly decent story but there are places you could improve:

1. Some of the grammar is off, you might want to re-read the chapters a couple times before submitting.

2. The dialog can be extremely awkward at times and does not seem realistic as to what would happen.

3. A lot of the elements are over exaggerated and this makes it too obvious what you are trying to say. This gives the story a feel of 'telling' about the various characteristics of the characters rather than 'showing'.

I can give you a more in depth analysis with examples from your story if you want, but this is what I found wrong in genera.

#10 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>756863 Your feedback is appreciated, I will make sure to remember that when I have time to add more chapters. I'm just a bit rushed since I have my college exams and I need to make sure I pass, it's a lot of stress.

#11 · 122w, 5d ago · · · Combat Drop ·

heh, dont say end of chapter (chapter #) it disconnected me from teh story, and possibly many others. :pinkiesad2:

#12 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

could be better, everything is happening at too fast a pace, take it slower. also, use time stamps/skips if you have to save time/shorten the chapter. :twilightsmile:

#13 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

ill add it to my watch later just in case if it does get better

#14 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

The Spartan Laser: A laser pointer on super-steroids and wearing MOJLNIR armor. Perfect for killing everything.

#15 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>761191 Damn straight it is!

#16 · 122w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>761430 That was the most bad-ass PowerPoint presentation. Of all time.

#17 · 122w, 2d ago · · · Combat Drop ·

A self insert that's... good? Dafuq?

#18 · 122w, 2d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Applejack's hat is a Stetson.

#19 · 122w, 2d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

awesome story

fucked beyond recognitions was dare's pod

xDD

Maz
#21 · 122w, 2d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Good story so far, but my problem is more with the Halo History you have. if this is after Mombasa Those should be brutes, not elites. The elites fell from the covenant's grace around halo 2 and especially during ODST (which took place between 2 and 3) where large groups of them could be found as corpses in a few levels of the game. From that point (though more around halo 3 onward) Elites have been considered as an ally race to humans. only if this past halo 3, if it's just past ODST then just replace any elites with brutes.

May be geeking out but getting the history right counts too right?

#22 · 122w, 2d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

You do know that Apple Jack wears a Cowboy hat right? Anyway, this is awesome so far. All you have to do is listen to the other member's advice and this will be the best crossover I have read so far! :twilightsmile:

Its like hes writing this out of my mind  

#24 · 121w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Everyone, this is LightningBolt on a different account. I made this one because LightningBolt has been unavailable due to me forgetting the password, if you know how to reset a password for fimfiction, let me know so I can get back to writing more parts for my stories.

This has a better story than mine so-far but i think it's a little worse written

#26 · 117w, 4d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6-EP_OdtzQ&feature=channel&list=UL) < Listen to this for full effect

*typing*

...

A COD SONG FOR A HALO FAN FIC?

mind blown

#27 · 115w, 6d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Is this story dead?

#29 · 113w, 23h ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

>>1115633 its time to move on:ajsleepy:

#30 · 113w, 1h ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Is the story going to continue on? I really enjoyed it so far.

#31 · 105w, 5d ago · · · Combat Drop ·

“To me, and they’re not going to like what they here!” should be "hear"

"I’m violently wounded" should be gravely or badly or something like that.

#33 · 59w, 21h ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

this has potential try to continue it.

#34 · 48w, 6d ago · · · Chapter Two: Old Faces ·

Please continue. WANT!!!!

0 31650 100416
Login or register to comment