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LovingTolerance
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LovingTolerance
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Author's Notes: (no spoilers)
I think of a lot of my story ideas while running, so I suppose it's not surprising that I would want to write a story with running in it.
The story currently sits at about 40K words, but I can't release all the chapters yet. Writing them out is the easy part. Editing and working through revisions with my pre-readers is the time consuming/best part. EDIT: After reaching chapter five, I scrapped the seven unreleased chapters I had written. I am now in the process of writing a new, hopefully better, second half for this story.
So far, I've learned a lot about writing—and about myself—while working on this story. I've at least learned enough to know that this story has a lot of problems. I was biting off a bit more than I could chew in terms of the concepts I was trying to explore. There is certainly a lot of stuff I'm trying to do that I'm not pulling off well. Still, I hope this story is entertaining for a few people despite its flaws.
I would like to thank SkyPonyTV for his extensive help pre-reading. He pretty much had me change every sentence.
I would like to thank Starlitomega for his encouragement and for getting me into shipping . . . Oh, and for his help pre-reading this story.
LovingTolerance
EDIT:
Thanks also go out to Esle Ynopemos for providing the cover art.
I'll admit that I almost closed the tab so hard after getting to the bit where Twi was a statue because I was afraid this would be another fic where one of them had died and the other had to go on and such. But I didn't and I am so glad I read this to the end. 
Well that settles it, I need to get some pre-readers.
This is really well done. I don't often comment on stories but you sir (madam?) definately earned my attention with this one. I wouldn't be surprised if it gets featured at some point, I really couldn't find a damn thing wrong with it.
It makes my fics look weak in comparison 
What's the one problem I had?
You've only uploaded the first chapter.
Image: http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/Mail.gif
>>998140 How Twilight turned to stone is the main question of the story. I'll get there. It's an alternate universe in the sense that it takes place in the future. I'm sure there will be incongruities with the canon as more episodes come out.
>>998208 I figured some people might avoid this story because it looks like Twilight is dead, but I'm glad you stuck with it. I'm trying to write stories with happy endings. This story generally has a dark tone though.
>>998430 Thank you. I remember seeing you somewhere on this site before. I think your name is the best.
>>999364 Thank you. Yes, pre-readers are a must. It's really hard to see the weaknesses in your own writing without some honest people who will not flinch at repeatedly telling you you're wrong. Don't feel bad about your stories though, just use your mistakes to learn. Every criticism people level against your work is useful.
I will add chapters as soon as I can, but that sort of depends on how busy my pre-readers are. The next chapter is slightly longer, over 6K words, but it will probably be trimmed some during the next few revisions.
That's a really cool .gif by the way.
>>999898 I'm glad I could make you feel something.
This is amazing. I can't even describe how great this is. It's got all those little metaphors and things that I like so much. I'm already following you, but if I wasn't, I'd follow you for this. 
I've never actually seen an AppleTwi fic before. This was very good, to say the least.
>>1002083 Thank you. Yeah, there's a lot of subtle stuff here. Most of it will not get noticed, which is probably good, because there are a lot of immature puns and sexual allusions in this first chapter even though it reads kind of serious for a pony story.
>>1004535 Work those haunches.
>>1004750 Thank you. Characterization is difficult in this story, because time has passed and most of the characters have changed. Well, I'll keep working revisions each night. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter out within a week. It's funny, but writing this story has helped me appreciate running more than I used to. I might even use the word "joy" to describe the experience now.
Woo, SparkleJack! One of my favorites.
And wow, you did a lot with just under 5000 words. Makes me wonder what you can do with 40.000. I have nothing to really criticize here, except that I expected AJ to hug and cuddle Twi a lot more after she broke free. I'll be watching this story closely.
Two things I found:
>Rartiy had fashioned
>It’s like I’ve never anything heard before
Some sinister notes creeping into things this chapter. Twilight's anger at the princesses puts a sour note on things and suggests some dark changes, as does her ethically-questionable mind-magic that she's casually using.
Sad that it's not going to be a simple, happy reunion story, but I'm definitely curios to find out where things are going. Besides, Spike needs to be found!
>>1042855 I'm wondering if this story needs the dark tag. What do you think?
>>1042865 Thank you for the criticism. My idea was that Twilight was so sure that the princess would be able to save her that she took it very hard when she finally realized this would not happen. I do not feel that that I developed (or presented) this idea well enough in this chapter. Fortunately, this resentment plot is addressed in later chapters. Thank you for being patient with me.
>>1042866 There are probably too many plots at work in this story for only ~40K words.
>>1042803 "Interesting" is better than "meh." I've been concerned that my writing style and ideas are too boring.
>>1042727 Thank you. The characters are all a little different as time and events have changed them. The next two chapters are shorter and follow Fluttershy and Apple Bloom respectively. They deal with some side plots which tie in with the larger story. Most of the chapters will be from Twilight's or Applejack's perspectives though.
Based on the first two chapters, I don't think it needs a "dark" tag at all... but it all depends on where the story is heading, of course. It's unsettling seeing Twilight have such hostile thoughts towards the Princesses, and combined with an increase in power one begins to worry that the tale might head down the "dark Twilight" path. Conversely, it's perfectly reasonable that someone who has spent three years frozen in stone but mentally aware is going to have some psychological issues and hang-ups... there's a lot of story traction to be had with her just dealing with these things and getting over a trauma. Surely, if she doesn't know the cause of her stone imprisonment, then at some point in those years (and she did say she lost her grip on sanity once or twice) it's not unreasonable to speculate that she had been treated to the same fate as Discord.
If it's a story about healing, then I wouldn't worry about the "dark" tag. If it's a story about Twilight being a threat, or Celestia actually being a Tyrant or to blame, then I'd probably add one. Either way, I'm sticking around to see where you go with it (although I personally don't like to see good ponies go bad.)
I'm officially watching this. It's a sudden shift from the common "happy reunion" kind of tale, as the tone is a bit darker. In this case, Twilight feels such resentment for the princesses, no doubt this will take an ugly turn. I'm thinking how this will connect with her and Applejacks' new relationship, as in how it will affect it, should it be affected. It's such a sudden realization to Applejack how much Twilight has a sort of grudge for the princesses, I wonder how she'll take it--well, I guess her love with Twilight will have her accept it anyway. *shrugs*
Speaking of ApplejackxTwilight, I never thought about...AppleSparkle--sounds alright--but I like how it's portrayed here, and it's making me slowly grow into it (to think, just two months ago, I liked the fact I wasn't obsessed with shippings on this show because there wasn't really anything to ship...darn fanfictions, fan videos, and fan art!!!). Applejack seems to be...a bit obsessed with Twilight, though; that could be the wrong way to describe it, but come on, it's 11:41 at night where I live, cut me some slack! Anyway, it does seem something along the lines of that. She had gone to see her everyday, after all; that's pretty obsessive. So...that, too, I am curious as to how it will be taken in future chapters. Liking and watching, and keep them coming.
Twilight calling the princesses lazy? Also, I feel like twi doesn't really love aj. It's just that aj has been there with twi for 3 years since she turned into stone and it's all cute and stuff, but I feel like twi only likes her for that. I don't know, I'll just have to wait for future chapters.
>>1044046 Since this is a ship fic, I suppose yours is the harshest criticism one could level at it (since the characters are supposed to be in love). I'm not whining; this is probably the most helpful thing anyone has told me so far. At this point there are doubts about their love and that is intentional. Certainly the relationship develops and evolves over the rest of the chapters, but I am wondering what sort of thoughts and actions (characterizations) would indicate that one character truly loves another in your opinion? That is a hard question for me, because, in all honesty, I am one of the less loving and more callous individuals out there and am therefore uniquely unqualified to write romance stories. I do it because it's fun, even though I'm bad at it.
That said, thank you for sharing this thought with me. I hope you can help shed some light on what true love looks like so I can make sure I'm doing a better job to develop the relationship as I revise the rest of the chapters.
>>1045435 I was watching an episode of icarly (because I'm awesome) with my cousins and there was an episode when one guy, freddie, saves carly from a taco truck. Now, carly says that she's in love with him and calls freddie her hero and goes out with him. Then, one of freddie and carly's friends, Sam, says that the only reason carly loves freddie is because he saved her life. Carly doesn't really like him, he just likes him because he saved her life. So at the end of the episode, they broke up because Sam was right, Carly only liked him for that. And that's how I sorta feel about this story so far. Twilight only likes applejack for being there for 3 years when she turned into stone, so she thinks she's also in love with applejack.
A very interresting story.
As have been mentioned by others though, Twilights hostility towards the princesses seems very jarring. I know what you want to convey with her feelings, but considering how she behaves in the actual show when it comes to Celestia, this could be done better.
It might work better, if she was more confused and hurt, than angry, at least initially, then you could let her feelings build up to the point they are at in this chapter... Anyways, just my thoughts on it.
The story itself is very good and I'll be looking foreward to reading more 
>>1083586 Yeah, It's kind of whimsical, but it's a device that has some plot significance. The idea is that it was a great effort to make the hat (Pinkie had to collect Gummy's scales for a while and Rarity really went to town making the hat top quality). It's a very special and generous gift, partially because it's unique and different. I'll admit that it's a bit weird though. It might not be the kind of thing I write into future stories (just to make things more simple).
okay... this is getting interesting so it seems Spike might have petrified Twilight and seeing how Twilight is acting Fluttershy might be right to worry.... and if Spike did turn Twilight to stone then dear sweet Celestia have mercy on Spike cuase Twilight is gonna go total Nightmare Moon on his dragon butt (actually i would like to see that).
I highly doubt that it was only Spike, since he never showed any signs of having magic except for his mailfire and simply granting his own wishes with freakingly huge power does seem like someone "helped" him with that. Also, I can't wait to see Twi and Celestia's little get-together.
I am from the south and around my area gator skin anything is pretty normal. You can buy the hides and crafting kits to learn how to make wallets, purses, and things of that ilk. It's so expensive though! I thought it was a nice nod towards the Apples being country ponies more stories need touches like that.
Also great chapter I can't wait to see where this is going. Fluttershy being scared of our Twi? I don't see this trip going smoothly 
Hmm, I not gonna lie. A little bit more waiting and/or suspense might have been better for revealing what had turned Twilight to stone.
Unless, of course, that isn't what actually happened....
Seriously, though, this isn't very good for a reveal or a fake-out. It's far to blunt for both cases, making it really obvious it's a fake-out, or just really disappointing if it's the truth. That's just me, though. This is still a well written story and I'm enjoying the views of Applejack and Twilight from a few other perspectives. It's not something you see very often it romance stories like this.
>>1085508 I try to advance the plot by providing the reader with new information in each chapter, so expect to learn (or think you learned something) in each chapter. That said, I think you're right that this comes off as kind of blunt. Most writers don't just have their characters come out and say stuff (that they probably would actually say) for dramatic purposes. I read so many stories where characters (stupidly) don't share information that they obviously should share or don't ask questions that they obviously should ask, so I'm trying to counter that in my own writing . . . and perhaps clumsily so.
Perspective is a big part of what makes writing fun for me. This story basically has to involve everyone Twilight knew, because coming back from the dead (so to speak) necessitates visiting all of your friends and family. My biggest challenge in this story was not writing it to where every chapter was Twilight and Applejack going to visit a different friend and provide the same story about the logistics of what happened. I think I've mostly managed to do that, though the Fluttershy chapter is basically just them visiting and explaining what happened (and I'm kind of kicking myself for that).
Oh, believe me, I understand exactly where you're coming from with characters in stories being retarded by withholding useful information. It's one of the more frustrating things when you're trying to write a realistic/believable story. All I'm saying is that maybe Fluttershy could stand to tip-toe around the subject a little more, and maybe Applebloom could be more shocked by it. A little drama in how the information is presented goes a long way in shifting its meaning. If Fluttershy had been just a little more, well, shy about saying it, it would have given the information a stronger impact, make it seem that this knowledge is really valuable, even if its incorrect.
All things considered, you're handling your presented challenge quite well thus far. Even in the Fluttershy chapter, you keep the third-person point of view with Fluttershy, and we see how odd she finds it. You're doing it right, I think.
>>1085952 "A little drama in how the information is presented goes a long way in shifting its meaning. If Fluttershy had been just a little more, well, shy about saying it, it would have given the information a stronger impact, make it seem that this knowledge is really valuable, even if its incorrect."
Okay, I understand more what you're saying now. This is very useful advice by the way.
Edit: here's me rambling:
One of the hardest things about writing is that there are so many things to keep track of with every sentence. Here's my concise list (in no logical order):
1. Characterization (every sentence needs it, because everything is in POV)
2. Clarity (grammar, articulation)
3. Plausibility (do the physics, probabilities, and character actions make sense?)
4. Purpose (does this sentence advance the themes, characters, and plot?)
5. Flow (do all the ideas flow together for a good read? are there weird things that distract from the story?)
6. Flavor (is the writing flat and "point A to point B" or does it create a worthwhile experience?)
If even a single sentence lacks these qualities, the writing is bad. Its very easy to miss one or more of these points without others there to tell you what you've turned a blind eye to. That is why feedback (like you're giving me) is so helpful.
Glad I could be of assistance. In my years of writing, I've learned that there in no one specific thing to pay attention to, and it can be easy to lose track of it all. Sometimes, you just have to practice one bit at a time. I speak from experience on that, as I one time practiced this sort of thing with the line 'I drank coffee today.' It's a simple line, but what you do before and after it decides whether or not it is important. This is what I did; pick a rather uninteresting line, create a scene with characters nobody's ever seen, and try to make the line important while knowing nothing about the world or the characters. The important part is to not explain anything with the narrative; the characters' little quirks, their actions, and their lines need to be what gives the information, and the information's impact.
Sheesh, all that for one aspect of writing. See, I understand what you're talking about with so many things to keep track of. Non writers don't seem to get that, like the baking of a cake, it's a bunch of things coming together and using them in the correct way to make a single thing of value, not just writing a bunch of junk down and calling it a story.
One more bit of advice that might be worth while; your sense of Purpose on that list. While true that every sentence needs to advance the themes and characters, it does not always need to advance the plot, and sometimes not even character and theme at once. More often, a sentence should be setting up the plot, adding meat to the plot, which is more like the backbone for the story. Often times, the best stories of duel purposes, as yours does. While we are dealing with whoever turned Twilight to stone, we are also exploring AJ's and Twilight's relationship through other ponies. A single sentence can rarely focus on two points at once. Heck, you've already made sentences that don't advance the plot by having Applebloom think about her need to keep the Apple Family line going. But that's fine, because it sets up Applebloom's character. My point is to let yourself relax on plot a little bit when it come to individual sentences. While the best lines are the ones that keeps things moving, if everything were perfect, nothing would be.
>>1087199 Reading what you've written here, I must agree that you're right about not ever sentence needing to advance the plot and themes. Rather, every sentence should advance the story (by advancing some relevant aspect of it).
Personally, I think plots need to be advanced fairly steadily so that readers don't get bogged down in paragraph after paragraph and chapter after chapter of theme building, world building, and character development without having any idea where the story is going or why they're even reading what they're reading. I've ready several stories that are like this. Of course, even very casual readers can recognize when a plot is advancing too quickly. Lots of stories have these pacing problems.
"If everything were perfect, nothing would be."
True, a story does need to outshine itself at some points, otherwise there aren't highs. Not every line will ever be equal in a story, even if that was the goal. Stylistically though, I'd like every inch of the story to have accomplished something that I can feel good about. Stories are made of a bunch of units (sentences, paragraphs, scenes, chapters) and it's nice if each unit adds something valuable to the story. I think that's what makes some stories page-turners while others have long sections that feel like a slog.
I'm not even close to following these guidelines I've put down. I would not doubt that there are multiple problems with almost every sentence I write. There are also a lot of problems with the big picture. I don't really understand how to look at stories on the macro level. Right now I'm mostly focusing on the little stuff.
"The important part is to not explain anything with the narrative; the characters' little quirks, their actions, and their lines need to be what gives the information, and the information's impact."
This is an idea I came up with independently, but I see a lot of writers saying it too.
The way I think about it is, "Write through the character and don't write about the character."
I completely agree with everything you replied with. I don't think I've mentioned this well enough, but this is a really good story, and it is easy to see your are either naturally talented or been working on everything you've talked about for a while, maybe both. This thing about the bluntness of Spike's secret is the only real issue; you've addressed practically everything else that might be a problem in the story already.
I agree that a sentence must always advance the story in some way, or that's the ideal. It's a slippery slope knowing whether you're going too fast or too slow, and whether you're giving too much or too little. The only issue is that it's a virtual impossibility to get it perfect; some of the greatest writers by histories standards have admitted that in the sliding scale of 'showing vs. telling,' it is often an ugly necessity to have things be told instead of shown, if only to keep the plot going and not get clunky in the wrong way. There are, in fact, good times to be clunky and bad times. It's an art that takes a great time to master, ever with the gift to write in you from birth. Lord knows I still need to work on it.
"Write through the character and don't write about the character."
If you figured this out on your own, you're naturally talented. Trust me, you're doing quite a few things right, and you're going to quickly get to a pretty high level of skill. Please note that you already are.
If there is anything good about my stories, I would say it's probably more the result of good pre-reading than hard work on my part. My brother does the hard work when he pre-reads my stuff and tells me how it's all wrong. So far, I've garnered more attention for my stories than I ever would have expected and far more than I deserve.
When I first started writing in April, I had virtually no experience with fiction. I have neither read nor written much fiction in my life, so this is all pretty new to me. My dream is that one day I'll be able to read a paragraph and really have a good understanding of what makes it good or bad. Right now it all feels like a big mystery to me.
Your commentary is very insightful, so I'm assuming you have some strengths as a writer yourself. I shall have to read your stories.
Ah, I see. Well then, keep listening to your brother. Whether or not you deserve the attention is irrelevant; the story itself does. It breaks my heart to see a story not get the attention it deserves, but it breaks my heart just as much to see a writer who thinks their work doesn't deserve it.
Wow, you only started last April? The casual observer would have a hard time telling, what with all the stories you have. Of course, they are all kind of short, but still. You're very creative.
Now, I hate to say it and I may even be wrong, but I believe your dream is an unobtainable one. To understand a bad paragraph is easy; it offends the eye and insults your mind. To understand a good one is hard; the only way to know it is good is if the whole story is good. Do you understand why some people don't like cheese? It is because of a great many factors. Their tongue, their mind, their experiences, their nerves, and maybe even a few other things we have no idea about. You can't grasp it all, it is unfair to yourself to try. You need to grasp simply that some people don't or do like cheese, or that things must come together to create that macro image you mentioned before. You may never grasp how it all comes together to create something great, even in your own stories.
I thank you for the watch and the favorite, by the way. While my profile here doesn't reveal it, I've been writing fiction for about seven or so years. The only problem was that I was on fanfiction.net, and even worse I wrote a massive story for the Sonic the Hedgehog fanbase. As such, feedback was a no-show. I figured out many things by myself, having to critique my own work because I couldn't get anyone else to help me. I've come a long way and still feel like I'm nowhere. I wish desperately for that feature box or Equestria Daily, so that I can share my work with others, get better, and share my joy. I know the pain of begging for help and finding none, so I struggle to give it when it is truly desired. It also helps that I have a disability that often many great writers possess, so I'm a little thankful for that.
Actually, it would be better to go back to that cake metaphor. You know you need eggs and flour, oil and milk. They all make a cake, and you know how to use them and mix them into the desired result, with some experimenting until you get it right. But you don't understand what's actually happening, what the chemicals are doing as the juice from the eggs engross the batter and make it become fluffy. All you know is how to use them to make the final product, despite the fact that you haven't a clue what you actually did. A good paragraph is just an ingredient, and you won't know it's a good one until you see the whole cake. Did that make any sense?
>>1088641 I think it's possible to identify good writing in a paragraph, but yes, it's harder to identify if a story (as a whole) will entertain people. I've seen professional writers on this site who write stories that are technically very tight, but flop or don't get much attention because they're about things that most people here don't care about.
If entertaining the most people (making them feel good an whatnot) is good writing, then the Harry Potter series is the best set of books ever written. I suspect this is true; I love those books. Earning a lot of attention is often labeled as selling out or pandering, but I think it's legit so long as the writing is still fun and rewarding for the author.
My favorite story is actually The Old Man and Sea by Ernest Hemingway. I read it a couple of weeks ago. If you haven't already read it you should read it. It won the noble prize for literature and there's a reason. I'm sure it's not for everyone, but I've never read anything else so well done (again, that's not saying that much, since I haven't read very widely).
If you ever want any help with pre-reading, count me in. I pre-read for people pretty regularly, partially because it helps me understand writing better. I'm not a grammar champ (yet), but I think I've gotten a bit better at pre-reading as I've gone. Also, I'll be sure to give you some feedback on your existing work, which I will go read now.
With Spike being the only one who saw Twilight turn to stone, and automatically blaming himself, I suppose I can see why he blamed himself. But lacking any sort of magical power, and for that matter, power potent enough to make the stone invincible against the princesses' powers, one would be thinking if it was him. Or at least if it was only him involved, should he actually be a part of it.
I like where this is heading. Slowly, we're getting bits of information about what happened, but not necessarily shooting it out all at once, since we don't know everything thus far. If it wasn't Spike, who did turn her into stone? And why? Questions, questions, filling my mind. And all I can do is wait. :)
If you think it's possible, I'm not going to argue. Every writer has their own way of doing things, so maybe you'll be able to do it.
Aside from the last book and three quarters, I also think the Harry Potter books are fantastic. In earnest, I think that Ms. Rowling lost steam at the last book. You do know she was originally going to kill Harry, right? But the fans didn't want it, so she changed it to please them. I don't think she sold out to anyone, especially if she just wanted to make most of her fans happy.
I'm one of those people who find value in any piece of writing, even if it's bad. I'll read The Old Man and Sea when I can find the opportunity. I must thank you, as I always love finding new books.
Oh, yes, please! My current editor is a little... unseasoned. I could use any help at all, grammar, story, or otherwise.
>>1089595 It's often hard to change a story's trajectory much once it's been written out, but you can run story outlines by me before you write them if you want that kind of feedback. As for pre-reading, I'm mostly good at finding awkward stuff and telling people to get rid of it or change it. I know some grammar, but I'm not too seasoned on that front.
I'm kind of on the fence with this story so far. I don't think any of the characters personalities are really done right. I know its supposed to have been 3 years, but they wouldn't change that much, well aside from Twi that is, with her being trapped in stone and all. But i don't really find any of the reactions believable. If one of my friends was thought to be dead and suddenly comes back, I know I wouldn't be so mellow about it, and i don't think anyone would for that matter. They seem to have an initial "OH she's back!" moment, but then it just gets casual, like "I know you were trapped in stone for 3 years, but now help me make dinner!" I'm honestly looking for quite a bit more emotion out of everyone. I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, but I feel that this plot could go far if done correctly. I don't want to see it fall flat.
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png>>1124866 Its nice to see someone take constructive criticism well.
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
>>1197415 I can feel it too. I'm still curious about whether it was actually Spike that stoned her or something else that acted at the same time. Plus there's the meeting with the princesses and her family, then with her friends. From the way Rarity keeps postponing things, I think that's not gonna end too well. At least they keep snogging each other every chance they get. Cute stuff right there.
Warning: Criticism Alert
Please note that I absolutely adore this story and I mean no harm by criticizing. I know there are haters out there and I am trying very hard not to sound like one.
I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but I think the problem I'm seeing severely detracts from the story.
This piece is very well done. The only criticism I have to offer is this: Why don't any of the characters react to Twilight's return? The only character we have seen emotionally vested in Twilight's return was Applejack herself. Dash for example blew off Twilight as though she wasn't important. Twilight, a character who had been turned into stone for years should be receiving heartfelt exclamations of joy at her return from her friends, don't you think? I love the intrigue and the ingenuity of this story. The love between Twilight and Applejack feels perfectly awkward, but Twilight's interactions with everypony else seems hollow. Another example if you'll be so kind to indulge me, is the mayor. The mayor was not at all surprised to see Twilight, which is explained by her mentioning the letter, but her manner of speech, the way she treated Twilight's return was that of a "that's nice dear, but mommy has more important things to worry about."
If this treatment of Twilight is an important part of the story, please, by all means, disregard this comment. I just want to help you to make an excellent story even better.
-C. Twilight
Fixed. Thanks so much.
The plausibility of character behavior (in general) in this story is one of its weakest points, I'll admit it. As for the character reactions to Twilight's return, I have some excuses which don't really hold up (but I feel like trying to articulate my thought process, so here the excuses are):
1. My main concern with writing this story (and I almost didn't write it for this very reason) was that I worried the whole damn thing would be obligatory scene after obligatory scene of Twilight meeting her friends and acquaintances and them all jumping for joy. That would have been more realistic, probably, but it would have been boring (at least for me). I wanted every character's interaction to be different, since every character is different.
2. I imagined that this whole ordeal has kind of emotionally hardened Twilight's friends. They all did what they could to get over her "death", except AJ. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran away from it and tried to put it out of their minds (to the extent that they could) while Rainbow Dash and Rarity filled their time with their careers.
3. Apple Bloom is happy to see Twilight again, but her happiness is eclipsed by the fact that she's skeptical of how "out of the blue" her sister's relationship with Twilight seems and the strange magic that Twilight is secretly using, so her main priority is to be protective of her sister.
4. Fluttershy probably should have been happier to see Twilight, but I was trying to balance that with the fact that she was very shocked to see Twilight again and also felt very on edge about keeping a secret about Spike which pertained directly to Twilight's return. Also, finding out about Applejack and Twilight going out was surprising. My idea was basically that she wakes up to a series of starling surprises, some of them good, some of them troubling.
5. Pinkie: I thought I did this one right. Correct me if I'm wrong (because I suspect I am).
6. Rainbow Dash. Yeah, I totally dropped the ball on this one. She's basically too full of herself with all of her accomplishments and has become somewhat blinded to the importance of others. Was this a good choice of character development? Probably not. It's too negative for FiM.
7. Twilight has been through a very long and very traumatic experience and she's angrier, more serious, and less emotionally sociable than she used to be. She wants to see her friends again, but does not quite know how interact with them like she used to. She's very much preoccupied with the competing priorities of discovering the secret of the stone curse, building a relationship with AJ, and trying to heal the rift between AJ and Rarity.
8. I myself am fairly emotionally dead inside (traumatic childhood, extreme cynicism etc.), so writing characters expressing their friendship and romantic love for each other is kind of like trying to solve some sort of math problem which I don't fully understand. Writing (and reading) these stories is really fun for me, but I've found that it's also highly therapeutic. Though the stories are about ponies, they're really teaching me what it is to actually be human (with feelings) and not just a restless mind that happens to be attached to a human body.
9. I hate to admit this, but (to perfectly honest with you and with myself) I am unconsciously inserting too much of my cynical personality into all of the characters in this story. I need to disappear from my own writing and just let the characters shine.
That said, I have no good excuses for writing this story as darkly, as callously, and as implausibly as I have. This is a pony story, so I would prefer to be writing something more emotionally gushing. I want to write stories that make people feel good.
I very much appreciate that you took the time to give me a longer comment with this feedback. You are very insightful.
I drop some hints that this story is just Applejack's fantasy (just one among dozens of ways which I'm drawing dark shades of doubt and concern in this story), but it's not really a psychological fic (at least it was not my intention to straddle that line). It's called Twilight II because its the second chapter written from Twilight's perspective. I know that's not very creative, but I was storming through the Game of Thrones series when I wrote this story and most of the chapters in Game of Thrones are named like that. Game of Thrones influenced this story way too much, honestly. Also, I didn't trust myself not to give the chapters stupid names.
I fully agree.
The lack of any serious emotional response feels really out of place.
It simply lessens the impact of happened.
In your worry of "obligatory scene after obligatory scene of Twilight meeting her friends and acquaintances and them all jumping for joy" you seemed to have veerd to the opposite extreme. Which is almost as bad.
I dunno what made me think this, maybe I have some sadness filters that redirect into the chaotic "part" of my brain, but what if whenever someone hugged any sort of imitation of Twilight Sparkle (you know, a plushie, a printed picture, etc.), another one of her would come to life out of it?
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