Cadance's Lovely Misadventure

by Chengar Qordath

Dinner With Aunt Celestia

After the disaster with Shiny I gave up on any grand plans of spreading love across Canterlot. If I couldn’t even help my best friend, what chance did I have with random strangers?

As I usually did whenever something was bothering me, I went looking for my aunt. It had taken a long time to get used to thinking of Princess Celestia, the supreme ruler of all of Equestria, the Unconquerable Sun made flesh, as ‘Aunt Celestia’ but she’d insisted on it. And she’d certainly done a fine job of being my mentor ever since I’d become an alicorn princess.

Aunt Celestia was in her private rooms, having an early dinner. She always liked to joke that older ponies liked to eat their dinners early in the evening, and since she was the oldest pony in Equestria she could hardly break precedent.

When I stepped into her dining room I saw that she’d set the table for two, and there was already a plate waiting for me. I wasn’t surprised; sometimes Aunt Celestia just seemed to know things. Though in this case I wasn’t sure if she was using some mystical source of knowledge and insight, or if my bodyguards had just sent word ahead to the palace.

I settled down into the place she’d so thoughtfully prepared for me, smiling and nodding gratefully. “Hello, Aunt Celestia.”

Aunt Celestia set aside her silverware and offered me a welcoming smile. “Cadance, it’s always lovely to see you. I’m glad you made it before your food got cold. I find that something kept under a warming spell just isn’t the same as when you get it fresh from the kitchen.”

The aroma of an expertly prepared pasta dish struck my nostrils, and my stomach let out an approving rumble. I’d been so wrapped up in all my plans and ideas for Hearts and Hooves Day that I’d skipped lunch. Aunt Celestia chuckled. “Go ahead and eat, Cadance. Teenagers need plenty of food, and alicorn teenagers need even more than the rest of them.”

That was all the invitation I needed to tear into the delicious pasta as fast as I could without tossing aside all the princessly decorum I’d been trained in. One of the perks of being a princess is that the best chefs in Equestria prepare our meals. Even a relatively simple pasta dish becomes something sublime when a master chef makes it. Something about how the vegetables, sauce, noodles, and cheese all came together to make everything taste wonderful.

Once I’d cleaned my plate I slumped back into my seat, letting out a sigh that was one part contentment and two parts weariness. Aunt Celestia picked up on my mood, quirking an eyebrow curiously. “Long day?”

“Things didn't exactly go as planned,” I admitted.

She smiled sympathetically, then took a dainty bite of her own meal. “Would you like to talk about it? I’m always willing to listen.”

A part of me almost wanted to laugh at her asking that question after she’d set everything up to encourage me to talk to her. But one of the many etiquette lessons I’d learned over the years was that a princess should observe all the social niceties, even if they’re a bit silly under the circumstances. “The children were quite a hooffull. More than I was ready for, really. Keeping order in a classroom is much harder than foalsitting.”

“Children can be hard to manage if you don't have experience.” She idly twirled her fork in her dish. “I’ve had no shortage of opportunities to see that.” She paused, then gave me an encouraging smile. “Fortunately, experience is one of those things that comes with time. I expect that next time you visit a classroom you will be more prepared for the task before you.”

For a moment I could swear I saw a mischievous twinkle in her eye, and I frowned suspiciously. “You could've warned me about what I was up against before I visited Twilight's school. Especially since you were the one who encouraged me to do it.”

She took a suspiciously long sip of tea that I could swear was just an excuse to hide a grin. “I find some of the best lessons are learned first hoof.”

“Is that so?” I felt my annoyance already ebbing away. This wasn’t the first time Aunt Celestia had been a bit sneaky about teaching me something, and in all likelihood it wouldn’t be the last. It was something I’d just accepted about our relationship, even if it did still irk me a little. “Well, I certainly learned something from this. Children are harder to deal with in groups than they are as individuals. They feed off each other, and get each other excited...”

Celestia grinned at me over her teacup. “What makes you think that only applies to children?”

Ah. Now I was starting to see what she had in mind. Probably a very valuable lesson about how to deal with ponies from a leadership position, but I wasn’t in the mood to learn. “The children weren’t the worst part of it, though. The whole mess with Shiny...” I sighed, slouching down in a most un-princessly manner.

“What happened?” she gently prompted.

I groaned and ran a hoof down my face. “Let's just say I learned some very surprising facts about his romantic preferences. And considering I was trying to help him find a special somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day, only to find out that I had been on the completely wrong track the entire time...” My cheeks flushed. “It was very embarrassing.”

Celestia hummed to herself, tapping her bowl with her fork. “That sounds very interesting. Perhaps you could tell me exactly what happened instead of letting me guess what's going on by only providing a few vague clues and cryptic, open-ended statements?” She smirked playfully at me. “We both know that it’s my job to be vague and mysterious. It makes me seem wise and all-knowing. It wouldn’t do for you to start moving in on my territory. Ponies might get confused and upset.”

“Sorry,” I smiled apologetically. “It’s just that ... well, it's rather personal.”

She nodded understandingly. “I promise I will show the utmost discretion.”

“Thanks,” I took a deep breath, then spilled the beans. “Shining Armor is ... well ... that is to say he ... erm ... prefers the company of other stallions to that of mares.”

Celestia grinned to herself, buttering up a roll. “Oh really? You're sure about that?”

I shrugged. “Pretty sure, yes. He didn’t come right out and say it, but all the signs were there.”

“Well...” She paused to nibble on her roll. “That's a bit of a surprise.”

“I know I was shocked by it.” My ears slumped as I thought about what happened next. “And I think I overdid my supportiveness once I found out. I was just trying to be a good friend to him, but he got really embarrassed and ran away with an obviously made-up story about last-minute homework.”

“I see.” Aunt Celestia used her roll to mop up some of the leftover pasta sauce. “I will say that stallions his age can get a bit skittish when talking about love and romance. At least in this day and age.” She shrugged. “When I was your age, it was quite the opposite. Bards were always going on about stallions whose hearts swelled with emotion, or entire armies swooning whenever things went badly. Now everypony expects stallions to be so stoic and controlled. It can seem a bit silly at times.” She paused then smirked. “Granted, the synchronized swooning was every bit as preposterous.”

A terrible part of me wanted to snicker at the mental image of Shining swooning like a maiden in one of those terrible romance stories. “Still, I feel bad about what happened. I shouldn't have made such a big deal over it—instead of helping him I just made him feel worse by putting him on the spot.” I sighed, slumping down so my chin rested on the table. “I feel like such a terrible Princess of Love.”

Aunt Celestia rose from her seat, walking over and putting a supportive hoof on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Cadance. Shining might be a bit shaken up, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. Just try and be a bit patient with him in the future—sometimes we’re so eager to help somepony that we don’t stop and think about whether they need our help.”

I smiled and nodded, grateful for the reassurance even if it didn’t actually fix any of my problems. Sometimes it’s just nice to know that somepony cares that you’re upset and wants to help you feel better. “I just wish I could've helped one pony find love...”

She smiled cryptically. “The day isn't done yet, Cadance. Though I think perhaps you should take this as a learning experience. Just because you are a princess doesn’t mean you can accomplish everything you set your mind to. That was why I sent you to the school in the first place instead of doing something a bit ... larger.”

“Something bigger?” An idea popped into my head. An utterly insane idea. But if I could somehow pull it off...

Aunt Celestia nodded along, quite oblivious to the scheme already hatching in my mind. “I wasn't about to throw you to the wolves and have you do something like run a major Hearts and Hooves Day festival when you're not ready for it. Better to start small and work your way up.”

“Of course.” I thought it over for one last moment, then decided to go for it. “But sometimes we have to be bold, and try something bigger than what we’re ready for. I just realized that there is one very special pony I might be able to help today.”

She grinned. “Is that so? Who did you have in mind?”

I took a deep breath, then committed myself to the plan. “Well, Auntie, I can't help but notice that you don’t have a special somepony.”

“That is true...” She tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Though that has hardly been a burden. To be honest, I’m perfectly happy with things as they are. I expect I would be terrible at a relationship in any case; I’m far too busy taking care of all of my little ponies, not to mention that I’m rather set in my ways. It’s inevitable when you get to be my age.” She sipped her tea, smiling at me. “Really, Cadance, I appreciate the thought, but there’s no need to go to so much trouble just to find me a special somepony. I wouldn’t want to make you go to all that effort just for me.”

“But I want to help!” I insisted as firmly as I dared.

She frowned to herself, and didn’t say anything for quite a while. Then she sighed and shrugged. “Well, I suppose there's no harm in indulging you for a bit...”

I grinned, eager to get down to business and redeem myself as Princess of Love. “Alright then. So ... what do you look for in a partner, auntie?”

“Hmm...” A wistful smile flickered across her face. “To start with, I do prefer taller mares. It’s rather awkward to have to bend too far down all the time.”

I nodded along. “Of course, that makes sense.” And definitely cast an interesting light on some old rumors about her love life. There was never any proof that she’d had lovers, but a lack of evidence never stopped rumors from circulating. Some of those rumors had involved rather tall mares...

“Secondly,” she continued, “while it's hardly a requirement, I do like pink coats.”

“Is that so?” Interesting. Very interesting. I was hardly an expert on every rumor about my aunt’s love life, but I didn’t recall any tall pink-coated mare being mentioned...

“Oh, and multicolor manes are nice to look at, too,” she continued. Her tone turned musing as she ran her spoon along the edge of her bowl, gathering up the last few remnants of her meal. “And I do like a good, long horn, if possible. Though wings are nice to play with in bed too. Not to mention being able to go on nice, long flights together. And you really can't beat the endurance of an earth pony. It really is difficult when you can normally only get your pick of one, don't you think? I much prefer having the whole package.”

Wait a second...

Tall mare. Pink coat. Multi-colored mane. Alicorn.

In other words...

My cheeks lit up. “Uh ... um ... that’s...”

She turned to me with a mischievous little grin. “You wouldn't happen to know of a pony who might have all the traits that I’m looking for, would you? That would make me a very, very happy mare.”

“Aunt Celestia!” I blurted out, but just a little extra stress on her honorary title.

Her answering smile was the very picture of innocence. “Yes, Cadance?”

“You—you're—that's...” I struggled to come up with the words to express just how wrong this was. “You're my aunt!”

“Yes, I'm aware,” she answered as calmly as if we were discussing the weather. “I did adopt you into my house, after all. It wasn’t that long ago, I haven’t forgotten.”

“Yes!” I blurted out. “You adopted me! Which means you can't ... um...” I trailed off, not willing to actually say what she’d been implying.

She leaned forward, putting her head entirely too close to mine. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I froze in place. “Can't what, Cadance?”

She was so close. Too close. I couldn’t even think of anything to say beyond, “Meep!”

She leaned in further, and for a moment I wondered if she was going to kiss me right then and there. However, at the last second she altered her course, her cheek nearly brushing against mine as she whispered a single word into my ear.

“Gotcha!”

It took a second for what she’d just done to actually register. I nearly tumbled backwards out of my chair as the truth struck me, sputtering indignantly as I realized that it had all just been another one of her pranks. “Celestia! That wasn't funny!” I tried to sound righteously indignant, but I was still far too flustered to pull it off.

My aunt returned to her seat, grinning far too much for my liking. “I beg to differ. I found it most amusing. I’m sure you will too, once you catch your breath.” She chuckled to herself. “It was a harmless prank, Cadance. I’m sure you’ll survive, and I doubt you’ll be too horribly traumatized by the ordeal.”

I took several deep breaths, trying to salvage the tattered remnants of my dignity. “For what it’s worth, you definitely got me.”

“Oh, if you could’ve seen the look on your face...” She chuckled again, then shook her head. “Trust me, as you get older you'll want to take what moments of humor you can get. Especially as you pick up more of your princessly duties. Plus the occasional little prank is a great way to help ponies relax when they’re too nervous about meeting with royalty.”

“Right.” I was already in a bit of a sour mood before the prank, and being reminded of my royal duties didn’t do anything to help it. “Though I think I’d need to avoid botching all those duties of mine before anypony would be nervous around me.”

Celestia waved away my bitterness. “None of that now, Cadance. It was your first time trying to publicly act as Princess of Love, and it won't be your last. I certainly wasn’t perfect the first time I tried to raise the sun all by myself. It might just be that you got a bit unlucky. Once you’ve had a good night’s sleep and feel a bit better we can go over everything in detail and figure out how to improve for next year.”

I sighed, listlessly poking at a half-eaten dinner roll. “I guess we could, yeah. I just wish there was one thing I could do to help promote love that had actually worked...”

She gave me another one of those mysterious, all-knowing smiles. “Maybe you just need to talk to the right pony? Someone who needs a helping hoof to understand the truth about love?”

“Yeah, sure...” I grumbled, not even really paying attention to what she’d said. A second later something clicked in my brain, and another plan sprang to mind. Considering how badly my last scheme had backfired I was tempted to ignore the idea, but at this point I really had nothing left to lose. Well, except for more of my dignity. “I think I know who I need to talk to.”

“Do you now?” Celestia asked with a smile. “And who might that be?”

Comments

[aduck]

Trolestia is in full force.

[Reese]

"If I couldn’t even help my best friend, what chance did I have with random strangers?"
Weeeeeell, sorry to say it, but if that was a sample of how good you are at matchmaking... Uh, yeah. Probably want to brush up on reading ponies a bit first. :)

"“Something bigger?” An idea popped into my head. An utterly insane idea."
Oh no. :D
I don't know what it is yet, but I expect that it will result in Hijinks.

...And methinks Celestia is trolling...
Hm, and derailing the effort before the Hijinks (beyond her own small prank) could come along. I suspect that was deliberate. :)

[pahnazd]

It's been said, but I just feel compelled to repeat it.
Trollestia strikes again. And it was glorious!

[Dorath]

“Gotcha!”

“Granted, the synchronized swooning was every bit as preposterous.”

Synchronized Swooning, now a major event in the Equestria Games!

[Crochettail]

I was legitimately worried for a second, but TROLLESTIA ALWAYS COMES THROUGH

[djthomp]

Oh my god, Celestia.

[Zubric]

7534700
She of course mesnt future twilight. Just kidding

[Atom Smash]

Celestia hummed to herself, tapping her bowl with her fork. “That sounds very interesting. Perhaps you could tell me exactly what happened instead of letting me guess what's going on by only providing a few vague clues and cryptic, open-ended statements?” She smirked playfully at me. “We both know that it’s my job to be vague and mysterious. It makes me seem wise and all-knowing. It wouldn’t do for you to start moving in on my territory. Ponies might get confused and upset.”

Nice save princess. I was going to call you out for hypocrisy, but you owned that one. :trollesta:

“Secondly,” she continued, “while it's hardly a requirement, I do like pink coats.”

I see what you're doing, stop it, oh right, this isn't incest, it's a prank that turns the tables and hopefully teaches young Cadence a valuable lesson.

She leaned forward, putting her head entirely too close to mine. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I froze in place. “Can't what, Cadance?”

Ph Celestia, you magnificent troll.

[Seraphem]

That is some prime, grade A Trollestia goodness.