Lessons in Love
Hearts and Hooves Day has always been my favorite holiday. I’m pretty much obligated to like it. I am the Princess of Love, after all. While I’d certainly enjoyed it long before my ascension, the entire holiday had taken on a whole new dimension now.
Or at least, that was what I expected would happen. After all, this was my first real Hearts and Hooves Day since I’d become the Princess of Love. Not the first time the day had passed by since my ascension, but at this time last year I’d still been getting use to the idea of being a princess at all, let alone a princess with a special connection to this day. Princess Celestia had so much to teach me about being a princess before I was ready to start taking on royal duties.
I was ready now. Or at least, I hoped I was ready. Thankfully Hearts and Hooves Day wasn’t the sort of holiday where I needed to officiate over a huge public festival, and Aunt Celestia didn’t want to overwhelm me with too much. I was starting my royal appearances for the day with something nice, simple, and on familiar ground: an appearance in front of Twilight’s class at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
While I waited for Twilight’s teacher, Mister Starglow, to prepare his class I decided to make a little small talk with my escorts. I really didn’t think I needed a pair of bodyguards just to visit Twilight’s school, but Aunt Celestia had insisted. It was all about protocol and appearances; I was a princess, so I had to have bodyguards. Guardsmare Shields was a nice, friendly unicorn only a couple years older than me who was absolutely delightful to talk to. Sergeant Plum, on the other hoof...
“I just hope the brats don’t mess everything up,” the old earth pony stallion groused. “Last time I went to one of these things the kids wanted to climb all over me like I was a featherin’ jungle gym. Had to spend all night polishing my armor get the dirt and scuff marks out. Kids got no discipline these days.”
Well, he was a bit more difficult to work with. Still, that was no excuse for not trying. I was the Princess of Love, after all. I could handle one of my bodyguards being a bit grumpy. I met his annoyed scowl with a smile that extended to his subordinate as well. “So, what are you two doing for Hearts and Hooves Day? I hope I didn’t throw off any of your plans.”
Shields waved my worries off. “As long as you don’t keep me several hours past when my shift’s supposed to end, I should be fine. My husband and I were planning for a romantic evening, but we both knew we would have work today. We have reservations at Cloud Nine at 1900 hours, so as long as I have time to freshen up, dress up, and make it there at least fashionably late...”
“That sounds like a lovely evening.” I turned to my other companion and tried to keep up my smile in the face of his annoyed scowl. “And what about you, sergeant? I ... I don’t suppose you have a special somepony waiting for you?”
“I married my high school sweetheart the day before I shipped out to basic training,” he grunted out, much to my surprise.
“You did? That sounds wonderful.” There was always something especially magical about seeing young love blossom into—
“We were a couple stupid kids who didn't know what we were getting into,” the sergeant growled. “She had no idea what being a Guard wife was like. Moving all over Equestria, not seeing me for months at a time. Came home from a year-long stretch in Westmarch to find the nag in bed with the mailpony.” His eyes flicked to Shields. “Best be careful, or the same thing’ll happen to you.”
My jaw dropped, and I struggled to think of something nice and hopeful to say after having that bombshell dropped on the conversation.
The sergeant continued on, either not noticing how gobsmacked I was or not caring. “Getting together with Cranky and the guys tonight. Kinda a tradition. We all get drunk and talk about how all this stupid romance horseapples ruined our lives.”
“Oh. Erm...” I floundered and tried to come up with something to say about how great love was that wouldn’t seem forced and trite. It’s surprisingly hard to talk about love and happiness without sounding as ridiculous as a cheap greeting card. A hardened, cynical soldier like Sgt. Plum would not be impressed by anything less than my best.
Before I could figure out exactly what to say, Twilight’s teacher, Mister Starglow, stepped out into the hallway. “Your Highness? We’re ready for you.” I smiled and nodded, and he stepped back inside. “Class, I have a very special treat for you today. In honor of Hearts and Hooves Day, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has agreed to visit to our classroom and tell you all about the holiday, and why it’s so important.”
I signalled my guards to remain outside, earning a curt and almost grateful nod from the sergeant. I might need guards for appearance’s sake, but I was pretty sure Aunt Celestia wouldn’t expect me to bring a pair of heavily armed and armored guardponies into a classroom full of children. I trotted inside, smiling at all the enthusiastic young colts and fillies who were all staring at me with unabashed curiosity. Just being a princess would’ve been enough to fascinate them, but added to the fact that I hadn’t put in very many public appearances before this...
Naturally, I looked for Twilight first. Unsurprisingly, she was sitting in the front row, a large book taking up most of her desk. She smiled shyly when I caught her eye, and I winked at her.
There were a couple other familiar faces in the crowd. Or at least ponies I recognized from what Twilight had told me about her classmates. A blue filly with rather prominent braces that meant she was almost certainly Minuette grinned enthusiastically at me. “Woooow, you’re Princess Miya Moray Cadanza...?”
A mint green girl who just had to be Lyra hopped on top of her chair, squealing gleefully. “Cadance! That’s Twilight’s foalsitter Cadance!”
“A princess is coming to talk to us?!” A filly who matched Twilight’s description of Lemon Hearts squeaked out. “And she’s Twilight’s foalsitter? That’s so cool!”
The last of Twilight’s friends, Twinkleshine, nodded along. Her eyes shifted away from me, focusing on her teacher. “Mister Starglow must be really great if he can get a princess to come talk to us.”
I waited a few seconds more for the excitement to die down, then introduced myself properly. “Hello, children, it’s wonderful to meet you all. And please, just call me Cadance. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza takes forever to say. Besides, we're all friends, aren't we?”
Lemon Hearts gasped. “You wanna be our friends? No way!”
“I do,” I assured her. “I love getting a chance to meet such wonderful children, and I’m really looking forward to getting to know all of you.” I paused and winked at Twilight again. “Well, except for those of you I already know. Now, before I tell you a bit about the history of Hearts and Hooves Day, does anypony have any questions they would like to ask?” Normally questions were supposed to wait until after the lesson, but with how excited the girls were I had a feeling they wouldn’t pay any attention if I didn’t let them sate at least some of their curiosity.
They didn’t disappoint. Several hooves went up in the air, but Lyra’s was the highest. Probably because she was standing on her chair again. “Me! Oooh, oooh, pick me!” She grunted and strained to raise her hoof even higher. “Me me me! Pleeeeeease me!”
Minuette snickered and leaned across her desk to whisper to Twinkleshine. “Wow, I've never seen her so excited for a class before.”
I decided to let the squeaky wheel get the grease. “Alright then, go ahead, Lyra.”
Lyra’s eyes widened, and she softly gasped. “Princess Cadance knows my name!” She took a moment to compose herself, though she there was still a huge grin plastered across her face. “So who’s your special somepony for today? I bet it’s somepony super-amazing, because nopony else could be a princess’ special somepony!”
Twilight groaned and rolled her eyes, grumbling under her breath about what a silly question that was. If the curious stares I was receiving from the rest of the class were any indication, she was alone in that opinion.
I hesitated for a moment, then beamed at them all. “Well, that reminds me of an extra-special request I had for all of you. You see, I don’t actually have a special somepony right now, so I was hoping that all of you would agree to be my special someponies for today.”
Lemon Hearts cocked her head to the side, frowning at me. “What? Why don’t you have a special somepony already? Is it ‘cause there’s not any princes in Equestria to ask you?”
“That’s not true!” Twinkleshine snapped. “There’s a Prince Blueblood!”
Twilight piped up, her voice surprisingly lecturing for a young filly. “Technically Blueblood isn’t a prince, he’s only a duke. He’s just sometimes referred to as a prince because he’s distantly descended from the old Unicornian royal family. Plus he’s only a year older than us, so he couldn’t be Cadance’s special somepony.”
“Twiliiight!” Minuette whined. “Stop interrupting and telling us boring stuff from your books! Princess Miya Moray Cadanza is here!”
Mister Starglow pointedly cleared his throat. “Girls, please be quiet. You’re interrupting the princess when she’s our special guest.”
That made them hush ... for about two seconds. Then Twilight leaned across her desk towards Minuette, whispering. “It’s pronounced Mi Amore Cadenza, not Miya Moray Cadanza. Get her name right.” She sighed, then called up a quill and paper. “Here, let me spell it out for you.” She jotted my name down, then folded up the paper and offered it to Minuette.
Lemon Hearts scowled disapprovingly. “Don't pass notes! It's rude!”
“And you’ll get in sooo much trouble if Mister Starglow catches you,” Twinkleshine added. “We don’t wanna make him look bad in front of the princess!”
“It's not me!” Minuette whined. “It's Twilight who’s passing notes!”
“I was just trying to help...” she grumbled, taking the note back and slipping it inside her book.
I needed to reassert control over the classroom, and thankfully Lyra’s frantically waving hoof provided the perfect opening. “Yes, Lyra? What is it?”
The filly grinned triumphantly, then levelled an accusing hoof at her friends. “Cadance, tell everypony here that cooties are silly and made up!”
“Cooties aren’t made up!” Lemon Hearts immediately yelped. “They're totally real, and you can catch them from icky colts!”
“Cooties aren’t real, and you’re just a big dumb baby if you think they are!” Lyra shot back.
“You’re the baby,” the other filly growled. “And cooties are too real!”
“Are not!”
“Are too!”
“Are not!”
“Are too!”
Lyra turned to Twilight for support, having evidently completely forgotten that she’d asked me for help. “Twilight, you read lots of books! I bet one of your books said that cooties aren’t real and only goofy ponies who get their heads stuck in beakers believe in dumb stuff like that.”
Twilight paused a moment, thinking it over. “I haven’t read anything in my books that says cooties are real. But I did read about some other really bad things you can catch from colts called STDs. Maybe that’s the scientific name for cooties?”
My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped. “T-Twilight! How did you find out about STDs?! What kind of books have you been reading?!”
Twilight shrugged. “Moondancer was sick with the flu, and I wanted to read about diseases so I could find a way to make her better. One of my books talked about STDs along with all the other things that make ponies sick.”
Minuette gasped, her hooves flying over her mouth. “Oh no! Moony’s gonna so sad when she finds out she missed meeting Princess Cadance! Dumb flu.”
“Gaaals!” Lemon Hearts tried to shout them down. “You’re missing the point! Twilight just said that cooties were real, ‘cause she read about them in her books! They’ve been scienced and everything! That means I’m right and Lyra’s wrong!”
“Well, Twilight's wrong,” Lyra declared, proudly sticking her nose up in the air. “‘Cause if they were real, my mommy and daddy would've told me about them!”
“Well maybe your mommy and daddy were wrong!”
“Nuh-uh!” Lyra shot back furiously.
“Yeah-huh!”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yeah-huh!”
“Nuh-uh times infinity!”
“Yeah-huh times infinity plus infinity times infinity more!”
“You can’t add infinity to infinity and then multiply it times infinity!” Twilight cut in, a hint of annoyance coloring her words. “Math doesn’t work that way!”
“Girls! Stop arguing right now!” I used my best disapproving foalsitter tone on them, but for some reason it didn’t work. I was beginning to suspect that Aunt Celestia’s grin when I told her about my plans for Hearts and Hooves Day had nothing to do with approving of my choice. I thought that my foalsitting experience would’ve equipped me to handle a classroom, especially when I’d foalsat for Twilight already. As I was rapidly learning, a classroom full of energetic young girls was a lot more work to keep in line than a single filly.
Fortunately, I’d learned an old spell from Aunt Celestia that was just perfect for this occasion. “GIRLS! BE QUIET AND SIT DOWN!”
By the time the windows finished rattling all the young ladies were back in their seats, perfectly quiet and looking forward attentively. I delicately cleared my throat and made sure to drop the enchantment on my voice. “Now then, does anypony else have any questions?”
Minuette’s hoof tentatively rose into the air. “Was Twilight right that STD is the scientific name for cooties?”
I wasn’t going to start that conversation up again. “Does anypony have any questions that aren’t about cooties?”
Several more hooves dropped down, but Twinkleshine’s stayed up. “Is Hearts and Hooves Day where foals come from? ‘Cause the other day Minuette was telling me that babies actually come from when a mommy and a daddy go to this special magical pool and look at their reflections.”
I smiled and fielded the question with what I hoped was a reasonable amount of tact. “I don’t know where you got the idea that babies come from reflections, but I suppose you could say that they come from Hearts and Hooves day, in a manner of speaking. You see, love is where foals come from. And since Hearts and Hooves day is all about celebrating love...” I trailed off as I noticed Twilight hesitantly lifting her hoof. “Yes? What is it, Twilight?”
Her hoof slowly dropped back down. “I don't want to argue, but I read something different in one of my books. After I read about STD’s I tried to find out more about them, and then I got this one book that said foals come from ... um...” She trailed off, her cheeks positively flaming.
I was definitely going to have a chat with Twilight’s parents about keeping a closer eye on what reading material she was getting her hooves on. I tried to slip past her remarks without outright telling Twilight she was wrong—she could be a bit stubborn about that kind of thing. “There is a bit more to where foals come from than just love, but all the little details can wait until you’re a bit older.”
“Why does it have to wait?” Twilight asked, frowning thoughtfully. “I really didn’t understand some of the stuff in that book I read. There was this one picture on page 327 that—”
“Twiliiiiight!” Twinkleshine whined. ”Mister Starglow said not to interrupt the class with your books stuff!”
“But books are always right,” she shot back.
Lyra groaned and rolled her eyes. “Love isn't a science, Twilight. It can't be booked.”
“Yes it can!” Twilight snapped, one of her ears flicking. “Anything worth knowing can be written down in a book.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Twilight! Lyra!” Twinkleshine protested. “You're interrupting the Princess and making Mister Starglow look bad!”
I pointedly cleared my throat, and just in case that wasn’t enough, prepared to re-cast the spell for the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. Fortunately, they took the hint and settled down on their own. Twilight shrank back into her chair, pulling out a book and hiding behind it. “Sorry, Cadance. I just wanted to get everything right...”
I gave her a quick reassuring smile to let her know I wasn’t mad at her. “It’s fine, Twilight.”
Minuette reached over to pat her on the back “We all know how much you like books.”
Since the girls were relatively calm for the moment, I made a valiant effort to get things back on track. “So, does anypony here have a special somepony?”
“I do!” Lyra immediately piped up, practically hopping up and down in excitement. “I do! I do! I do! I’ve got a special somepony!”
Nopony else immediately volunteered, but I couldn’t help noticing how Twinkleshine’s eyes shifted to her teacher when I asked that question. Apparently somepony was nursing a little schoolfilly crush. That was cute.
Minuette crumpled up a piece of paper and tossed it at Lyra’s head. “You don’t have a special somepony, Lyra. Stop being silly.” She turned her attention back to me. “Special someponies are for when you're grown up, right? I don't really think about that sort of stuff.”
“There’s nothing wrong with liking another pony at your age, Minuette,” I reassured her. Twilight’s class was certainly far too young for any serious romance, but a couple schoolyard crushes were all but inevitable. The last thing I wanted to do was discourage somepony from experiencing an age-appropriate romance.
“Oh.” Minuette tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well I like everypony in class but I don't like like anypony yet.”
Lemon Hearts frowned and cocked her head to the side. “So you like me but you don't like me? What does that even mean?”
Twinkleshine tore her eyes away from her teacher to answer. “She doesn’t mean like, she means like like, beaker-head.”
Lemon Hearts groaned, her hooves flailing about in frustration. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I just like you as a friend, silly!” Minuette snapped.
“Ohhh!” Lemon Hearts’s eyes widened in comprehension. “Well why didn’t you just say so?”
“I did,” Minuette grumbled running a hoof through her mane.
Meanwhile, Lyra had clambered up on top of her desk, standing up and loudly declaring. “I do so have special someponies who I love! I love Twilight and Minuette and Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine and Moondancer and my mommy and my daddy and I even love you, Miss Princess Cadance!” She paused, frowning to herself. “But I think it's really sad when a pony doesn't have a special somepony, 'cause it's not nice to be lonely. Everypony deserves somepony to love on Hearts and Hooves day, but there are so many nice ponies who spend the day being all sad and alone.”
“Yes, they do, Lyra,” I agreed, hoping that would settle her enough that she would sit down again. However, her remark reminded me of what Sgt. Plum had mentioned earlier; his friends who got together every Hearts and Hooves Day to lament their own romantic misfortunes. The beginnings of an idea started stirring around in my brain. “Yes,” I murmured under my breath, “Everypony deserves that.”
Twinkleshine eagerly nodded along, her eyes flicking back to her teacher and her cheeks pinking slightly. “Yeah, it would be really nice if everypony who liked somepony could have their special somepony like them back.”
“It certainly would be.” My plan was fully taking shape now, and I knew I didn’t have a moment to lose. I was the Princess of Love. It was my duty to help ponies find love on Hearts and Hooves Day. I couldn’t afford to wait any longer to get started. “Thank you all for letting me visit your classroom, I had a lovely time.”
Lemon Hearts grinned and waved. “Thank you for coming, Miss Princess Cadance!”
Lyra seemed to take that as a challenge, and tried to make her smile wider than her friend’s and her waving at least twice as enthusiastic. “Yeah! Have a great Hearts and Hooves Day, Princess Cadance!”
Twilight was much more subdued, just smiling at me. “Thanks for coming, Cadey.”
I smiled at the girls and waved back. “I hope you all have a wonderful Hearts and Hooves Day. I hate to leave when you’ve all been so wonderful, but there other ponies I need to help enjoy this very special day.”
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That whole classroom scene was hilarious/adorable.
Especially the bit with Twilight commenting on STDs.
"getting use to the"
"used"?
To many to's
And this was a lovely little piece
Hey, why is the entire class room female?
6937148 Maybe the classes are divided into males and females. I know they do that in my uncle's school.
Kids will be kids.
Also, Twi commenting about STDs. Not surprised at all that she knows about them. She probably doesn't fully grasp what they are yet, but still. Yes Cadance, you need to talk with her parents about proper reading material
The ... educational kind
Nothing could go wrong here, nope, nothing at all
"booked" is an interesting turn of phrase.
Well, of course you have to be careful about STDs, Snuggling Transmitted Diseases can be very bad! If you have a cold, and you snuggle with a close friend or family member, they might catch that cold from you!
Oh Twilight..
No no no! Cadance doesn't realise that Sgt. Plum and his friends (including Col. Mustard and Maj. Green) aren't alone because they've got each other.
It might not be romantic love but it's still love.
Or at least, that's what I'm thinking right now.
I haven't read this story yet.
Adorkable mini-Book Horse is gonna be adorkable.
Just, so hilariously sweet. And now, commence Operation: Ship Everypony!