Hmmm..... sounds verrrrrry similar to Embarrassing the Darkness and yet different.... eh I'll give it a shot. Will review/ edit comment once read.

Edit: Not bad at all, maybe a tad rushed but just a tad. The only big complaint I have is Twilight seems far too calm to me, gotta remember this was the same mare who drove the town to chaos over a slightly late letter. I could however, see her being in shock thou and the crazy coming later.

Aside from that, it's a simple introduction. Just a taste without much insight were the plot will lead so really I can't say more here. I give it a claw up and a track and we'll see were this leads~

Overall not bad. There's a few oddly formatted sentences that are a bit awkward to read. That, and having the diary entry/flashback in regular text and the exposition in italics really confused me for a good 15 seconds. Still, good enough to come back for more later.

Pretty good start for a first story.  Spelling/grammer pretty good.  Like others have noted, it did feel kind of rushed, and Twilight seems way too calm.

Do you know how to do italics?  Maybe that could help.

>>733714733714 Thanks, I'll try to get part two polished up. Though every time I look over it, I think, "There's no way ANYONE writes this long of a Diary."

>>733944733944 Sorry, I was trying to find a good way of transitioning between Third-person to the First-person segments of Twilight's Diary, and also make them  distinct that people wouldn't get confused. It seems to have backfired.

>>734282734282 Well they're certainly distinct from each other, I'm just used to seeing flashbacks and such in italics. I was just expecting it to be the other way around.

Your title is the same as a song I'm learning.

>>733714733714 i haven't read this yet but on the note of twilight being calm in the show i noticed she keeps her cool over something like the possible end of the world and was the last of her friend to break at discord yet she broke down on a late letter so her level of uncalm and calm are as random as my levels of intellect (i can be Nicoli Tesla one day then uhh whats a good stupid person to use as a example )

I love it so far.I really do,PLEASE continue this.I've never really seen any other story involving Twilight as a vampire.Only at least...around 3 (One of them was more about Rarity though), so This one seems interesting.

Continue :3.

>>734421734421 This is true. She's her own worst enemy in the respect that she's the one who will garner the most panic out of herself (I really hope that makes as much sense typed as it did in my head ).

At the same time however she just woke up to find out she's become in her own words an ancient enemy of Equestria and pretty much a monster. I would think she'd have some sort of panic, maybe not town wide panic, but panic none the less.

But eh that's just me. I completely understand the bipolar intelligence thing

>>734893734893 Thank you.

Don't worry everyone, it won't take long for Twilight to start cracking like a priceless glass statue.

>>737412737412

Welcome :3.

And Oh ho ho,I am loving this already even more :D!Poor poor Twilight..soon you will be as worse as Nightmare Moon.

Why... that son of a... BLOOD SUCKER! TWILIGHT WILL BE AVENGED!! Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation... werewolf and all that. Any how, love that i finally found a vampire fic. Although my wolf side may hate it... LIKE AND TRACK! Oh and, other then the italic and reg. mix up, story's fine to me.

Now for Part 2! Now almost x3 times as long as Part 1!

Useless trivia time:

*That story image image right now is a combination of two images I made for this story. The first was simply a blood drop with Twilight's Cutie Mark in it. The other was "Blood Banks"'s cutie mark (AKA, a Black heart with a Drop of blood in the center.)

*The Title was originally going to be "Twilight Vampire" and that's what it's still called in the Google Docs. The reason why I choose "Bloody Tears" is because I listen to that song while writing the story. I really should play the Castlevania games...

*"Blood Banks" was originally called "Waldemar" but then one of my prereaders pointed out that it didn't sound like a pony name.

so far; this is really really good! im not catching any major annoying grammatical errors nor any annoying sentences. that might just mean that they are either to few or to insignificant to bother me or that there are none; in either case, great! the flow of the story seems a bit off at times, nearly insignificant, but it's something to keep in mind at least. another thing that bothers me slightly is that you claim this is in diary form; one does not usually describe entire discussions among other things in diary form, not that i mind, i don't like diary form stories that much, it's okay in small sections; but annoying when used almost all the time.

>>747690747690 Yeah... I should probably break up the diary more. The length of this "single" entry is really ridiculous. Hopefully I'll be able to rectify this is in later chapters when it finally gets to Twilight's new daily life. So far my plan is to at least open up each chapter with a third-person segment relating to how everyone is reacting to Twilight's ongoing transformation, the hunt for a cure, or a skeleton from Luna's closet.

Celestia shouldn't exactly be fainting but rather running around the room in horror. Good story all the same though!

>>747792747792

but you're still going to have it in your "diary-form"? the reason im asking is if you're going to have any suspense filled scene (like a fight scene), then if you're writing a diary you would probably just go straight for the result and ignore way you got there (like describing the fight), which would be pretty boring, i don't see that right now in the way you're writing; which is why im confused if it's really directly from a diary or of you're simply going over what has happened from twilight's point of view.

>>748007748007 I plan on having any "action" scenes to be in the third-person. I'm also toying with the idea of trying to transition from Diary-heavy fic to a third-person fic, as Twilight descending more and more into the dark cravings, the diary entries become shorter and shorter until there's barely anything for her to write except "I will drain all the red from Pinkie Pie's face till she turns white!"

>>748285748285

i think third person would be best personally, but just to make sure we're not misunderstanding each other; you do still mean to include the thoughts of the character(s), right? (some ppl seems to believe that in third person you have to keep the characters thoughts out of it)

A few good laughs here (Then Princess Celestia fainted.) and some more continuations.  What will happen next?

I approve of this story. Keep up the good work.

Twilight is best vampony.

This looks interesting. *Tracks*

damn, celsestia's gonna have a fit when she wakes up! Awsome story , totally tracked and faved.

I know that none of you don’t hold a grudge against me but...     delete the bolded word

If her behavior worsens, make to it that she does not go outside at all.     see

>>776682776682 Whoops! Thanks for catching that.

getting more interesting by the chapter

but I swear to Celestia, that I will end you if you ever try making pinkie speak like that again...

the joy of seeing a story you really really enjoy update, and the despair of reaching the end of the latest chapter of said story

the text felt a lot more like a diary this time. i still think you should ditch the diary approach though, seeing things from twi's point of view is enough, you don't really need to do much other than taking out the "twilight's diary" thingie at the beginning of the diary part of the chapters and changing the wording slightly at a few places. still not much of an annoyance though, im just concerned that we will miss out on some of the more pacey events later on (think fights/duels/battles/chases or any intense moment really).

two things im confused about:

1. so twi just needs to drink somepony's blood to turn them into a vampire? how is she gonna get blood if she can't drink without turning ponies? or do they need to die as well before the vampirism sets in?

2. from what luna said: "Every single one of those vampires believed that they loved me"; does that mean that twilight will also "love" luna? that would seriously be hilarious, especially as luna is not as cold-hearted as NMM and would have problems dealing with a twilight fawning over her. i means, as she does owe twi a great deal of gratitude for helping her in the past; she would probably be pretty split up about the show of affection. that's just my take on things though, having read to much twiluna has left me pretty broken...

>>781820781820

1. Not exactly...

Basically the Vampire disease acts like rabies; all what she has to do is simply get her spit into your blood to infect you. She doesn't even need to bite, she could probably do it by kissing you. Though considering that Twilight is technically dead, I think that would cross over to necrophilia. She can however, receive blood donations without turning others, so she doesn't have to worry about turning anyone. Thank goodness for vaguely modern fantasy kitchen sink setting!

2. Less in the romantic sense, think more of the respect that Twilight would give to Princess Celestia in the show. In addition, Twilight now has a natural compulsion to follow anything Luna commands her. If Luna were to say to her, "Recite the entirety of Pi." Twilight's reply would be "3.14159265358979..."

>>782373782373

1. aw, i had hoped for a few of those "alone and cornered" moments with twi and one of her friends. of course, something like that can still happen even if she doesn't bite anyone

2. i have feeling that she would still recite Pi if luna told her to even before the vampirism thingie, only with a few more questions; but i do get what you're saying

thanks for the answers!

Chapter 4: The part in which Twilight tastes blood... and likes it. Oooooooh dear.

I like. Also tracking! keep up the good work

awesome chapter! i absolutely love these twi vampony stories! even though i still don't like some of the parts of your vampony design (they just don't seem very well equipped to prey upon pony-kind)

the images i had in my mind of the talks the six had were hilarious, mostly the part where i imagined twi stuffing a dirty (and bloody) rag over her mouth while still talking and trying to be taken seriously.

from that i also get another hilarious picture in my head: twilight continuously pointing out small wounds that the rest of the six get from their every day chores (with either a deadpanned, bemused or stressed out face), which are to small and to off placed to be noticed normally (a few examples: applejack getting a deep splinter, rarity pricking herself slightly with a needle, dash getting a scrape, pinkie getting a small cut or fluttershy getting a small wound from one of her animals natural outer defenses)

i am uncertain of what to think about those last two sentences you wrote, are they feeling "im mistrusting one of my friends"-ill or are they feeling "mysteriously"-ill?

A vampire pony story that seems to be updating regularly...preposterous. I'll be tracking this to see where it goes.

Hehe, poor Dash.

This is good, one of the better vampire Twilight stories I've read so far.

I thought Dash was loyal?

>>857059857059 Ya but being close to being lunch is where the line is probably drawn.

that's EXACTLY what i wanted! im grinning like crazy over here! im so looking forward to the next chapter!

to bad about twilight's inability to be close to celestia btw (or even in direct line of sight), it would be hilarious/very-entertaining to see an oblivious twilight happily talking away with celestia (in pretty close proximity...a hug as well maybe) while celestia's on the brink of panicking while sweating profusely and smiling very nervously (with luna desperately trying not to laugh in the back...for the record: that's what im doing just thinking about it)

i have a few questions, if you're going to answer these in upcoming chapters or something, just say so:

so if the vampony simply drains their victim completely; do they not turn then (or was that just animals)? (more like: do they just die instead? cause if they always turn and a vampony needs to feed at least once every two weeks; then there would be over 26000 of them from just that one "Bleeding Heart" pony)

how do you even support a large population of vamponies? or is the two weeks thing just in the beginning? (do they sleep for long periods or something perhaps)

does every vampony have as hard of time with keeping their sanity/calm/train-of-thoughts as twilight has? or does that lessen with time? i mean; from i what gather; she would like never be able to effectively blend in with society (considering that there seems to be quite a lot of vamponies doing just that)

last random misc question: what would happen to celestia if she was bit? and what would happen to the vampony that did the biting/drinking? (i can guess...)

>>857059857059

the "im never EVER going back there" is probably temporary...RD has a tendency to exaggerate as we all know

That ending...so awesome. Keep up the good work.

>>857939857939 Thank you!

1: You just summed up my own problems that I ran into when I wrote this chapter. Except you just posted a rather conservative number from my estimations. Basically, Bleeding Heart (and whatever vampire pony army he has with him) are living mostly off of animal blood since it would keep them alive while keeping their numbers to a reasonable state while they hide from Celestia.

2: As I mentioned before, drink animal blood. Luna only managed to successfully get the disease to work on bats, before deciding that her army was large enough to overthrow Celestia (spoiler alert: it wasn't.) So a vampire could live in a town and fit in with society by drinking lots of animal blood (they would just have to move a lot, otherwise ponies might realize that they're not aging...) Or they could, you know, just kill the pony outright, and then eat the body. As a side note, sanity levels can vary from pony to pony. Twilight from this chapter is a really bad example because Rainbow Dash caught her at the worst possible time (around the time Twilight should be getting hungry) in the worst possible way (getting cuts all over her body from breaking Twilight's window, so she's bleeding all over the place.) If one of those elements wasn't in place, (for example it happened when Twilight isn't feeling hungry.) Twilight would have had a better chance at trying not to eat Rainbow Dash.

3: I'm... actually not completely sure if Princess Celestia can be converted to be perfectly honest with you. The most likely circumstance is that the vampire dies before they could turn Celly, and/or the disease burns up in her body. IF Princess Celestia were turn into a vampire, she would absolutely flip out and try to kill herself.

>>859288859288

1&2. thx for the answers, i didn't think about the animal blood thing actually.

3. yea, i guessed as much, would be kind of silly if the personification of their greatest weakness could be turned into one of them, kind of like trying to mix oil and water i guess; it's just not possible.

"IF Princess Celestia were turned into a vampire, she would absolutely flip out and try to kill herself."

i don't know why, but just imagining that image is killing me

From reading some of those speculations I now have the image of Celestia dressed as Integra from Hellsing.  I have no idea why.  

Yay, another vampire Twilight story and one that plays it up to more traditional depictions.  I've been enjoying what I've been reading here.  What with Twi's habit of flipping out normally and adding in starved vampire syndrome I think lots of amusing events are in the near future.

My opinion on Twilight Sparkle in this story: KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

w00t insta fav but i was still hoping she'd turn one of her freinds into a vampire...preferably applejack.

>>857059857059 Yes, but she's also SANE!!!!!!!!!!

Why is Dash always the victim.

>>863231863231 Or in the words of Murdoc:

Melt it's face. Melt it's face!

>>880893880893

Because I wanted to see what would happen. :ohcelestiawhatamidoingat1:30am!?:

Unrelated, I finished a rough draft of Chapter 6. It might have a fight scene that might last, oh say ten seconds flat.

I might also run through the entire fic and fix up the format before I post the next chapter. This is mostly because I've started to notice how different my format is from the norm. Looks fine on GoogleDocs, not so much here for some explicable reason.

Seriously the opening to prototype

It's not bad, it's that I was just playing the game right before I read this

few things.

"He picked me up and carried me to the hospital."

...How? They cannot walk on two legs, did she ride on his back?

" Spike pulled out a letter from his pockets, and opened it."

Spike has pockets?!?!

And i like the fic. Also, who knew, apple season is in fact in Autumn.

Really good so far, though I feel the title and genres are misleading. I was laughing through this more than I was cringing at the grittiness or staring engrossed in the situation. Don't get me wrong it's still plenty dark and ripe with creativity. I simply feel it lacks the comedy stamp, especially since I think it's what you do best.

Poor Twilight, she can never catch a break, can she?

Oh yeah, and Luna too, getting pummeled like that.

wow....

coool

Bonus points for working in the pile of secrets line.  Hehe, I'm enjoying this story immensely.  

It's official. She's losing herself. I predict that by Chapter 10 the Twilight her friends, princesses, and family know and love will be gone. Though knowing my luck this will more than likely not be true.

Speaking of family...is Shining Armor going to be important or is he going to be a side character? I mean, this is his SISTER who has become a potential threat to Equestria. I feel that at the very least, we're gonna see him again with a rage face when he figures out what's happened to Twilight. Not if, WHEN. Cause I mean we all know he's going to find out one way or another right?

............................I'm talking too much.

>>892563892563

I was tempted to just copy and paste the entire quote like this for this chapter or a later one:

TS: Die monster! You don't belong in this world!

BH: It was not by my hooves that I was given this form. I was blessed with these powers by Princess Luna to become her noble steed.

TS: Noble?! You steal pony's souls, and then make them your slaves.

BH: Perhaps the same could be said of Princess Celestia.

TS: Your words are as empty as your soul. Ponykind ill needs a savior such as you.

BH: What is a pony? *smash wineglass* A wretched and miserable pile of secrets and lies! The hour of talk has passed, En Garde!

>>892753892753

Nah, I'm going to say this right now that Shiny is gonna stay a side character. However, I guarantee that you will see his reaction to what sister has, or rather will, become.

>>892901892901

Okay, that set of lines I'm going to copy and paste to keep forever.  I can already see the scene in my head.  

>>892901892901

So long as I get his reaction on this I'm good. Though there are tons of ways for him to find out. Let's see...*thinks of ways and hopes that he finds out in the worst way possible*

awesome chapter! looking forward to more!

RD did not get enough of a punishment... (although i guess there really ain't much that they can put her through...) first of; she's a terrible friend (i can sympathize with her to some extent on this point though), and then she beats up luna for something that she's barely even a little responsible off (it's like being angry at the guys who invented nuclear fission when you blame someone for the hiroshima and nagasaki nuclear bombing). i don't like celestia that much either in this story (still like her a lot more than i ...

if this goes as i think it will, i hope twi asks luna if she can take blood from something else, that does not transform (animals would be the answer i guess), and then just packs up and leaves, while keeping in contact with luna of course.

and btw, now that i've heard about it from twi (the rainbow dash gets a lot of cuts and twilight tries to help thing): nice to know that she doesn't really become some blood crazed monster in the presence of blood, as she seems to be able to control herself except for some smaller things (like her facial expression and the way she sounds when she talks).

i did find it strange how something that is built to fight/prey-upon other ponies would turn into a mindless killer in the presence of blood, just seems kind of ineffective you know.

>>887421887421

Yes, spike does in fact have pockets. Go rewatch A Dog and Pony Show. I think that's it, the one with Diamond Dogs.

If Twi goes bad......  SANGUINE will be the minion

twi had better get cured fast otherwise things'll go down hill rather quickly. or we could have another Crimson Dawn on our hands. i mean she could possibly equal Celestia on power level. luna you dun screwed up.

>>894804894804 Yes because you'd be totally loyal to the person who tried to kill you, and kind to the root of the problem.

Get me my whip, I I have some vampire hunting to do! *Bloody Tears starts playing*

>>899168899168

RD only assumed that twi was trying to kill her, which she was not (yes, i would think that to, but i would probably also consider the circumstances after i had run away). i would think that the benefit of the doubt and second chances should be included when you're the most loyal friend in the world, of course; i can see why she gets afraid, and why she would be panicking for a while.

and how is luna the root of the current problem? sure, she created the vamponies (while under the influence of her NMM side as well), but she didn't have anything to do with BH attacking twi, so far she has only been trying to help.

do you blame the creator of a weapon or the the actual person who pulls the trigger with intent to kill when someone is murdered?

i can see why some would put a small part of the blame on luna, but i do not think that justifies what RD did, i would also say that she makes up for it by actually trying to help.

>>900675900675

It really doesn't help that Luna's "I didn't make a cure for this. Also, it kinda hard to find a way that doesn't involve killing her." explanation pretty much translated in RD's mind as "Hey you know how she's acting like that? Yeah, she's stuck like that. FOREVER."

And no, RD is not going to get away with assault and battery of Royalty completely scott free.

>>901194901194

"RD is not going to get away with assault and battery of Royalty completely scott free."

i damn well hope not. just think it's a little sad that luna thinks she deserved to get beat up like that

>>900675900675 I'm not saying that Dash did the right thing, but if Luna never invented vampires this wouldn't have happened. Plus Dash is brash, if someone saw a vampire with a face that screams blood lust a lot of people would jump to conclusions, not to mention the disease might make her skitsofrantic, they don't know.

Luna just got her ass kicked!

It makes me sad that Twi's friends don't even talk freely to her, though she still has (some) of her sanity. They treat her like a explosive child...

But I like it when fanfics cause emotions, no matter what kind (except of disgust). All in all this is a very good fanfic and I'd be happy to see future chapters. I didn't see any grammar/spelling mistakes, though I don't think i have a vote in this case, 'cause English isn't my native language.

gz Marcel

I can honestly see Rainbow's reasoning behind her actions. I would honestly act the same way. As for Twi, I feel kinda sorry for her. She's being tormented by the vampirism and the Blood Heart dude. And if i could re-like, i would for several reasons. i hope the story will be updated soon, cause i'm waiting in suspense.

New Chapter!

This one is a bit... expositiony in some ways.

can i shoot an ice arrow through his head? i wanna make him look funny. o and twi is already going crazy. now just three more days till lord whatshisname wins over the element of magic, unless luna arrives and calls off the attack and revers engineers the curse so it doesn't make the vampires blood thirsty virmin that need to be incinerated. now i wish that twi could kill the one who turned her.

I agree with Luna about said infernal ticking noise!

I waited two weeks for this chapter to come out. TWO. WEEKS. And all we really got was exposition.

...

...

...

...

awesome chapter!

RD got a great punishment!

and bloody "whatshisname" is an evil, insane, maniacal douchbag who needs to be put out of his misery!

and finally: THAT TICKING NOISE!

Maybe you could add some sort of backstory to Bleeding Heart?

That was f**king excellent

Please tell me this is going to have a happy ending.

Two words: NOT GOOD.

EDIT: I mean, it’s not like the apocalypse is going to happen just because I didn’t tell them I injured Luna right?

Yes, yes it will Rainbow. Since you didn't tell them, everypony's gonna get fooled and Twilight will more than likely be abducted by the other vampires. In the words of the Heavy: AH THIS IS BAD.

great chapter!

shitstorm approaching?

twilights going to kill this ass. or is that really luna?

Meanwhile, Pinkie was busy spychecking for Bleeding Heart.  Several ponies were sent to the hospital with severe burns.

>>10384671038467

It's fine, she has the Rainblower. The worst that could happen is someone gets some rainbow in their face.  (Now that I think about, with the properties of the ponyverse, that's probably just as bad as flames).

>>10380331038033

No that's not really Luna. You can tell the same way some could tell that the first Cadence was a fake: Magic Aura color. Luna's, as shown in Luna Eclipsed, is a blue color, as opposed to the red by the fake. Though the author added quotations to the fake Luna's name, so it's more obvious than Chrysalis was(And she was incredibly obvious).

>>10400401040040 Also, Luna is effectively paralyzed by Rainbow Dash. It's not exactly something one can walk off in a week.

>>10401391040139

That too. Pinkie Pie, INITIATE SPY CHECKING MODE!

Mmmmmph!

Well worded, witty, and very entertaining. Top quality, keep it up.

Pony (Their costume):

Twilight Sparkle (Vampire)

Rarity (based off of Richard Belmont from Castlevania)

Rainbow Dash (Buzz Lightyear, from Toy Story)

Applejack (Woody, also from Toy Story)

Pinkie Pie (Pyro w/ Rainblower from Team Fortress 2)

Fluttershy (a bunny)

Spike (a robot)

Mayor Mare (Mayor of Halloween Town from Nightmare Before Christmas)

Bon Bon (a Zombie)

Derpy (Homsar from Homestar Runner)

I didn't think of anything for Zecora, so maybe her outfit from "Luna Eclipsed."

And hooboy did this chapter get big.

You know, the moment Dash beat up Luna, I somehow KNEW this was gonna happen to her.

And yet another Castlevania reference. And more theme song.

Something tells me with how long it takes for these chapters to get written, I'm guessing you're either a slow writer, or you need proper motivation to actually do it. Unless it's TF2, which I completely understand.

Better call the Dawnguard.

>>11060381106038 A little of Column A, a little of Column C. Beep Boop son.

>>11061051106105

Alrighty then. I expect the next part to be done in about a month or so thanks to Mann Vs. Machine. Until then, just...do whatever you feel like doing.

... this is not good. I will no doubt be proven wrong in the coming chapters, but unless they come up with a way to discover Luna was literally slammed into the ground, defeat Bleeding Heart and his army, and somehow cure Twilight... they're screwed. Well, like i thought just today, when meeting death, laugh in it's face.

woah! you're shitting me! i had a huge jaw-drop moment when i read that twilight bit RD, i DID NOT expect that!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png

i didn't think you were gonna have any of the others turned, maybe have twilight really KILL some random pony, but not actually turning any of her friends.

>>11066391106639

I can understand why one wouldn't think that. I had a feeling Rainbow was gonna be turned, but I didn't expect Twilight to do it. In my mind, I figured that Bleeding Heart was gonna have a hissy fit about her attacking Luna and then turn her as punishment.

I'm not surprised Twilight tried killing Bleeding Heart, i'm surprised that she didn't do it imedeatly. And i got to admit, he's a good stratigist. He preys upon her weakness of confusion, doing his best to convince her that he is now her only ally. And after the fight between Dashie and Twi, i'm a slight curious if his prediction is true. if it is, well then no doubt she'll A) pose joining him, and kill him when she get's the chance, or B) join him for real. if his prediction is proven false, then she'll still have a small shread of hope, which is all you need to survive. In short, i really hope Dash doesn't screw this up. (A totally unrelated topic: Why is it Trixie always ends up suiting my purpose?)

>>11068331106833 In addition, he stayed away from the battle for Ponyville on the off chance that Princess Celestia would find out and Deus Ex Machina a victory.