A very short story about Celestia's least favorite day of the year- Her birthday.
My first story, so please don't hold back. I want all of your criticism, even if it is just a short "This is why your story sucks"
Don't feel at all obligated to offer a positive review, because I already know this story is awful.
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My own criticisms:
-WAY too short.
-Awful dialogue.
-Poor/nonexistent backstory
-Awful plot
-Probably some grammar errors
-Celestia maybe out of character
and more.
Criticisms? Hmm...
>Too short. I firmly believe that the absolute bare minimum length a chapter should be is 1,800 words. Next time, develop your chapters more.
>Celestia is a bit out of character. This may or may not just be me, however.
>A few spelling/grammar errors, just go touch them up.
Good points:
>Interesting plot, exploring a different side of Celestia that the public doesn't see.
>You kept the other characters in character very well.
All in all, it has potential.
This is why your story sucks. (Just kidding)
Seriously, it isn't that bad. I have seen A LOT worse. I main problem is that it's short. You could probably make it twice as long if you were to put more of Celestia's thoughts and continue from the cake. The randomly thrown OC was kinda weird but not bad (again, I've seen worse). The good thing about Celestia is that it's really hard to write her out of character. I've seen it all from tyrant Celestia to the the infamous Molestia, so compared to that your Celestia is fine.
Seriously man, don't knock yourself. I mean, sure, it's not amazing, but it definitely isn't bad.
Not bad, for your first fanfiction! I don't think Celestia was out of character at all. But there are two things I noticed:
>“Something wrong, Princess?” concern in her voice.
Methinks there should be a comma instead of a question mark.
>The Ending
WAY too abrupt. Suddenly you're talking about Pinkie's cake and WHAM, story over. It feels short, and not very satisfactory for the reader.
Other than that, I adore your writing style. It flows neatly and the dialogue feels natural. Don't let other's opinions hinder your optimism, because I'd like to see more from you.
728112
Your criticisms are rather invalid because;
-Short because its your first and you were testing the waters right?
-Dialogue wasn't awful.
-It's called fimFICTION so it doesn't have to be existent
-Plot wasn't bad. I can think of worse XD
-Yeah, I noticed some grammar errors but nothing I'd complain about.
-It was believable that she was Celestia. I wouldn't go far as to say she was out of character.
I know you don't want this but i found this story perfectly fine. No complaints
730458 I agree. I wanted to see more of the party, more of the mane 6 and why was there no Luna?
730457
have you seen corona blaze? hasbrolestia? trollestia? YOU MUST COMPLETE THE PENTAVERATE OF CELESTIAS!
Not THAT bad, it was just too short, the dialogue was pretty meh, and the plot was also meh. Just an overall meh fiction. Not bad, not exactly good, just in the middle, just meh.
Hahahahahah! Nice ironic joke in the end. Celestia finally felt happy to be celebrating her B-day, and then they had to remind her how old she was with a cake with a Kajilion candles!
T-was good! though I would've like it even better if there was some sisterly relationship thing inserted between her and Luna
It was rather short and there really seemed to be no point to it. It was a good idea, but I was kind of waiting for something to happen. I was a little disapointed in the dialouge. Pinkie's characterisic didn't really seem all that in tune. My fav AJ didn't say anything, not that that's a prob, AJ seems underappreciated in the fanfic world anyways. But if I might add you'd probably be better off writing for the Slice of Life catigory of this stuff with me. I notice you like to delve into the background characters and OC's, that's good for coming up with stories to make the tears flow, which I specialize in. Anyways good luck to you and keep writing.
there are so many of these stories about celestia's eternal rule, i wrotethis and now they are all i see
728112
For a second I was going to get angry at this post for flinging around baseless criticism. Then I realized that you were the author.
The only thing I can think of that needs improvement is the plotline, or lack thereof. You start off with a wonderful premise. But I think that there are a lot of ways to go with this. You could turn it into an event-driven fiction, where everything goes wrong on her birthday and she just smiles and nods through it all. You could turn it into a character introspection, allowing Celestia to question her existence on this, the day where everypony else is celebrating her.
Heck, you could probably turn it into a romance with Twilight or Harmonic Song or something.
I think you let this story go too quickly - as is, this seems like the start of a much longer fiction. And if I had read it as that, then I'd have said it's a pretty good one.
Wow. Thank you all for the feedback. I was honestly not at all expecting the good reviews for this. As for the negative ones: I was totally expecting those and agree with you completely. I was sort-of considering adding onto it, but I really don't think I have the literary talent. Then again, I wrote this story literally within the span of two hours. There were no pre-readers and I only sort-of skimmed over it for errors. If anyone would be interested in helping me continue it, feel free to send me a PM. I'd be really grateful.
EDIT: Holy crap, somebody favorited this.
A fic about birthdays....on my birthday...eh what the hell I liked it
731433
The disaster idea was my original intention for this fic. One of my ideas was to have the cake accidentally set the castle on fire.
730849
I specifically left out any dialogue from the rest of the Mane 6 simply because I was too terrified of writing dialogue for AJ.
730789, 730481
Yeah, I totally should have put Luna in there. It probably could have made the story a bit longer.
730457
It took me 15 seconds to come up with her. There was literally no character development at all with her. Haha, I didn't even specify what kind of pony she was.
I think you're being a little harsh on yourself. I'm not going to say the story is perfect, but I've read a lot worse recently. I'm rather a fan of short-short stories, so that isn't a problem in itself, though maybe a few hundred extra words would have allowed a bit more "breathing space" for the story to unfold. And it was nice to see the well-worn topic of how Celestia celebrates her birthdays (when she's had so many already) given a slightly different spin. I also depart from some commenters by saying that I liked how you ended the story.
All right, criticisms... the dialogue is a little uneven at times, and there's the odd mistake (eg in the final sentence, that "until" should be a "when"). I'm not convinced that Celestia would use a slightly pompous phrase like "Let us not tarry" -- she seems a bit more grounded in reality than that. And the adjective "Prench" (as in toast) is distracting. Since you use "Scottish", you're obviously not avoiding all "Earth" terms, so you might as well stick with "French toast".
Interesting that you say you avoided giving Applejack any dialogue. It's not actually as difficult as it seems; the trick is to draw on what you already know about the pace and rhythm of each pony's way of speaking. It's easier if you forget about trying to write AJ's voice phonetically (ie using "ah" instead of "I" etc) and instead use vocabulary and phrasing. Everyone reading a story on this site knows what AJ sounds like, so unless she's speaking strangely for some reason you can rely on the reader to fill in that blank. For example, "You sure did, sugarcube" -- just four words, but only AJ (of the Mane Six) would say something like that.
Anyway, this comment is getting far too long now, so I'll finish it here. Please don't put yourself down too much: this is not the awful story you claimed initially. It has its rough edges, and it could do with some work in places, but there's a nice tale a little way under the surface that I think with a bit more experience you might well have polished up really very nicely.
733698
Wow. First off, let me say I totally missed that whole Prench/Scottish thing, and now that you brought it up I want to go back in time and smack past-Solaris in the face. What you said about Celestia is also pretty true. While I mostly wrote this fic because I thought "Hey, why not?", if I ever do any future writing, which might happen, (As I've said, I'm considering a second chapter) I'll definitely try to incorporate all of the advice you- and everyone else- have given me.
One of the reasons why this fic is so short is because I was suffering a MASSIVE writer's block and was struggling to get it over 1,000 words as fast as possible, which is probably because I didn't have the exact end of the story planned out. I forget who said it, but some wise writer once said that it is nearly impossible to write a story if you don't know how you want it to end, and that was exactly my problem here.
I liked it it. was nice, just short thats it. also PINKIE WHY YOU TROLLING!?