You Spank Starlight Glimmer for Futzing with Time and Other Sick Stuff (by LightningSword)
She stares up at you with shaky, glistening eyes and a grimace of anxiety. But you’ll have none of it. She offered to accept punishment, and this is exactly what she’s getting.
“Can’t we do something else?” Starlight Glimmer asks, shifting in place in the foyer of Canterlot Palace as she glances at Princess Celestia with a furrowed brow. “I mean, I realize I brainwashed a whole town, evaded arrest, stalked and spied on royalty, committed assault with intent, and used dangerous forbidden magic to mess with space-time and create several alternate dystopic futures for Equestria. But . . . you know . . . friendship, right?”
“Nice try, Starlight,” Celestia replies, shaking her head. “If word got out that my incompetent ex-student was soft on a former villain, it would be nothing but disappointment and low ratings for months! We made enough of a mistake letting you join the group as an obvious way to include a second Unicorn and provide another cheap, painfully obvious marketing campaign for toys in your image, and the best way to address that without actually implementing realistic justice and staying within our usual kid-friendly parameters is to give you a good spanking on your naughty bottom!”
Starlight recoils and glances back up at you, the only human ever to exist in Equestria—and therefore, the best stallion for the job. “B-but . . .” she mumbles, glancing up at you while staring uncomfortably at your shoes, “. . . but . . . but . . . .”
“That’s what I’ll be aiming at,” you say in a thoroughly badass voice.
“Good one, Corporal!” Celestia says, grinning. “I figured you would be just the one for the job. No other creature is as equipped to paddle some pony plot quite like you are! After all, who ever heard of a Human in Equestria?!”
“That’s certainly completely and totally unheard of, Princess,” you reply with the utmost assurance. “Rest assured, no villain around here will be getting special treatment. Well . . .” you add hesitantly, “unless you count Discord . . . and Trixie . . . and Sunset Shimmer . . . and the Flim Flam brothers . . . and Suri Polomare . . . and Svengallop . . . and Gilda . . . boy, I’m gonna be busy, aren’t I?”
“Oh, you most certainly will be!” Celestia replies with her best troll smile. “Now, do what your fantastic hands do best, and show this time-traveling troublemaker who’s boss!”
“Wait!” Starlight begs. “You don’t have to punish me that harshly! I mean, I have an emotionally-scarring backstory that’s supposed to make you feel sorry for me and make you forget that I was a criminal! I mean, that’s pretty much the same thing as punishment, right?”
You stare at Starlight, eyebrow raised, for a good few seconds at this. “I won’t even dignify that horse’s-assery with a comment!” you retort. “I mean, that’s the dumbest, most cliché antagonist trope ever written! Which is a comment in itself, but still!” And with that, you pick up Starlight Glimmer by the scruff of her neck and thrust her underneath your armpit, squeezing her tight by the waist between your rock-hard tricep and your sweaty, pungent arm hair that may as well be punishment by itself.
“Oh, and one more thing,” Celestia adds, circling around you and facing Starlight’s face as it points in the same direction as your ass. She shoots a beam of light from her horn directly at Starlight’s horn, and the latter quickly grows a thick, shiny shellac all the way up to Starlight’s forehead. “This will keep you from using your overpowered Mary-Sue magic on the good Corporal while you’re taking your spankies!” she explained. “I could have taught this spell to Twilight so she could use it against you during your fights in the past, but I didn’t! Because no writer who’s shortsighted enough to squeeze your entire redemption into a banal, two-minute song would even think for a minute to let me do something as competent as that!”
“What?! I’m not a Mary-Sue!”
“Oh, quit whining, Sue,” Celestia replied.
“But Princess Celestia, really—”
“Sue.”
“But I’m not a—”
“Sue, Sue, Sue.”
“Just because I’m better than Twilight in every possible way doesn’t mean—”
“Sue-EEE! Sue-EEE!”
“Stop saying that!!” Starlight finally shrieked.
“Stop this, stop that, stop the Sueness, whatever, I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since your smug face took a steamy dump on etiquette by putting your hooves up on the table.” Celestia focuses her gaze on the ne’er-do-well, her eyes narrowed. “You don’t ever put your dirty, grubby, nasty, crap-covered hooves on the table! Cutie Map or not, manners is manners! You can freeze ponies in crystal, you can meddle with time, you can even hurt my student and her friends, but don’t you ever put your icky poo-poo hooves on the table!!”
You stand there with the small pink Unicorn mare wriggling under your arm. “Can I start now?” you ask in a slightly whiny tone, your free hand twitching at your side.
“Why yes, you may,” Celestia replies nonchalantly. “Show this toy-marketing cul-de-sac why your name is Corporal Punishment!”
“Wait!” Starlight screams just as you raise your hand, and turns her head as far as it can go to face you. “Look, you don’t have to do this. You can have a better life! A more acceptable life, where you can make friends regardless of your abilities. Did you ever get jealous of your human friends’ abilities to spank better than you? Harder than you? Well, I can offer you a life where everyone spanks equally. That is, if you let me . . . say . . . take corner time instead?”
There is a long, painful pause as you stare back at Starlight, her twitchy face slick with sweat and her eyes darting back and forth in her head. Her smile made that obnoxious squeaky-toy sound that no one really pays attention to, but still gets under your skin somehow.
SMACK!
“OUCH!”
Your hand flies, swatting Starlight’s perky pony plot. You can feel your hand prickle already, so you can only imagine how Starlight feels, the lazily-written shrew.
SMACK! “Ow!” SMACK! “Ow, geez!” SMACK! “Owww!” SMACK! “Ow, not so hard!” SMACK! “OUCH! Oh, why did have to be spanking?!”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know,” Celestia steps in to say just before the spanking continues. “I think somepony around here has a really sick fetish.”
SMACK! “Ow!” Starlight squeaks again and kicks her back legs. “Well, it’s not my thing.”
You grin as you pull your hand back. “That’s the point, missy.”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Starlight kicks and wriggles and yelps as you spank her on and on, sure to keep her tail pulled to one side to make ample room for punishment. Starlight’s round, mature bottom jiggles ever so slightly with each smack, and it feels almost hot to the touch. Still, you spank her, punctuating your swats to her backside with what’s on your mind.
“This is for forcing a whole town to believe in your ideology!” you yell as you slam your palm down on Starlight’s reddening cheeks.
SMACK!!
“OWWW!!”
“And this,” you continue, “is for brainwashing and conditioning anypony who stood up to you!”
SMACK!! Again, your hand whales on her bottom.
“OUCH! I’m sorry!!”
“And this is for yelling at Twilight when she called you out on it!”
SMACK!!
“OW-OW-OW!”
“And this is for stealing cutie marks!”
SMACK!!
“OW, PLEASE, STOP!!”
“And this is for evading arrest, stalking, and breaking and entering!”
SMACK-SMACK-SMACK!!
“AAAAAAOOOOWWW!!!”
By now, Starlight’s body is growing limp, and she begins sniffling. This was the best part of a spanking—the submission of the spankee. The fight is out of her now, and her “acceptance of whatever punishment they thought was fair” rings truer here than ever.
But that doesn’t mean it’s over.
“How about one more swat for each pony whose cutie mark you stole?” you ask, grinning.
Starlight gasps. “No! Please, I’m sorry! I’ll never be a naughty filly again! Please, no more spanking! Please, no more!”
But your hand flies anyway:
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
You lose count after forty, and you’re sure there were more ponies than that in “Our Town”, but Starlight’s screaming and crying throws off your concentration. “Let’s add another six,” you say, “to include Twilight and her friends’ marks.”
“Good idea!” Celestia adds, beaming. “And for added measure, you have to apologize to each of them, Starlight. They may not be here, mostly because of authorial laziness, but you’ll be apologizing anyway!”
And there goes your hand again:
SMACK!!
“OW! I’m sorry, Twilight Sparkle!”
SMACK!!
“OUCH! I’m . . . I’m sorry, Rarity!”
SMACK!
“OW-OW!! I’m s-sorry, P-Pinkie Pie!”
SMACK!!
“AHH! I’m . . . I’m s-sorry, R-Rainbow D-Dash . . . .”
SMACK!!
“OWIE!! I’m s- . . . I’m so- . . . I’m sorry, A- . . . Ap-Applejack . . . .”
SMACK-SMACK-SMACK!!
“OW-OW-OW!! Okay, okay!! I’m sorry, Fluttershy!!”
Celestia sighs and rolled her eyes. “How did I know you’d give her extra for Fluttershy?” she deadpans before you slowly set her down. Your hand is prickling with pain, and you rub it, but that’s nothing compared to the show Starlight’s giving.
She races to a column, jumps onto her hind legs, steadies herself with one hoof against the column, and rubs her dark-red pony butt with the other. “Ow-ow-ow . . .” she whines as she crosses her back legs where she stands, “oooh, this really hurts . . . who knew redemption would be so painful . . . ?”
“Well, if yours hadn’t been so crappy, it wouldn’t have had to hurt,” Celestia says smugly before walking up to the very sore and contrite Starlight Glimmer. “Now, what did we learn from this?”
Starlight sniffs, still pressing her back legs together and rubbing, and although you do find it a bit appealing (there’s more than one perk to spanking pony bottoms, after all), you want to hear what she has to say.
“Do you want to answer, or do you want another session?” Celestia asks brazenly.
Starlight gulps and drops back to all fours, still rubbing her back legs together to assuage the pain. She looks up at Celestia, then at you as you approach, and her face blanches before she starts sputtering her answer. “D-don’t be a time-traveling troublemaker . . . .”
“And?” Celestia asks.
“And . . . don’t cause the apocalypse in several alternate timelines.”
“And?”
“And . . . take longer than two minutes for a true redemption arc.”
“And?”
“And have a more believable backstory that matches the gravity of my actions and isn’t total slapdash crap that insults the fans.”
“And?!”
“Come on, Princess, loosen up,” you calm her. “She got spanked. She’s been punished. She can go about her business now, right?” You give Celestia a playful tap on the rear, at which her head perks up before her eyes press a leering gaze on you.
“Well, well . . .” Celestia says, a sultry grin crossing her face, “I might just ‘go about my business’ with you if you keep that up.”
“Isn’t that frowned upon, Princess?” you reply, not caring if it is.
“So what? I mean, it’s not like every human who comes here has hot, steamy sex with a prominent character. It’s just dumb enough to work . . . .” Celestia swishes her tail around and brushes your backside with it. That was even hotter than watching Starlight rub away the pain.
“This is wrong . . . I’ll bet Luna wouldn’t have spanked me . . . .”
The words are spoken low, but both of you heard them. Celestia turns to Starlight, her eyes narrowed and her voice deep, “What . . . was . . . that?!”
“Luna would have gone easier on me,” Starlight adds, her face all pouty, “she knows what it’s like to struggle with being a former villain with a sappy backstory. She wouldn’t spank me. She’s a nicer, fairer princess than you . . . .” She adds another whisper, lower than before, but still barely audible, “She’s prettier, too . . . .”
Celestia’s face contorts into an almost painful grimace at these words. In seconds, though, she regains her royal composure and smiles brightly, as if greeting the sun on a brand new, beautiful day. Aiming her horn at the floor beside you, she conjures a bright light, and when the light fades, a wooden chair appears where there was once space. A large, thick wooden hairbrush rests on the chair. Celestia then turns to you and simply nods.
You look back in surprise, but the shock wears off quickly. Like clockwork, you scoop up Starlight in one arm, grab the hairbrush in the other hand, and sit down, placing the flailing Unicorn over your lap.
“Hey, what are you doing?!” she screams as you pull her tail up and expose her cherry-red cheeks. “No fair! You already spanked me! Let go! Let go!!”
“You’re all about ‘conditioning’, right?” Celestia says in a ruthless tone as you aim your new hairbrush. “Well, when this is over, we’ll see if you still think my sister is prettier than me!”
WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!!
“Nope, you’re not done. Keep spanking!”
WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!!
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why does this so perfectly sum up my thoughts on starlight? oh right, because its all true.
This made me laugh so much.
Excellent work, Lightning.
I don't think that you spanked Starlight enough.
This is hilarious.
Fuck the haters. This was amazing.
Mare abuse!
Why do I get the feeling this track is appropriate for this fic?
Also, this is fucking hilarious.
OH.MY.GOD! HILARIOUS!
This is the first thing that crossed my mind when celestia became absolutely furious
Could have sworn i heard alice cooper there for a while xD
Seal your fate with your own words and chose your destroyer. Words spoken "she's prettier", your destroyer of choice a brush and a very jealous princess. Great work to the author.
nice but I would really like to see you make a serious punishment story of Starlight Glimmer.
Bloody bollocks of Gog! This is EXHILARATING!
I almost cracked a rib scrunching in laughter!
This deserves a favorite!
And somehow I'm certainly feeling like the spanking thing is more and more appreciated in me book...
Nurturing a fetish ho!
Nah, bottom line: This is truly an amazing piece of work. Just about the right amount of humor, sass and poking fun at the hallmark features of the whole franchise. I absolutely love it, sir!
Salutes to you!
Cringe, but also a boner.
This is so friggin awesome
Wow..... never thought Starlight Glimmer would have a lot of crime points to get away with her actions to destroy every pony's lives.
Now she made things worse when she told Princess Celestia up close that her sister Luna is more prettier than her. 
I'm also guessing in my opinion that Celestia will be having another long chat to some humans that kinda agrees with Starlight, lord have mercy on their very souls. 
Now to read next on Twilight's punishment. 
Starlight redemption arc and backstory were better then every other villians in the show. Both were brilliant and only a complete idiot would disagree with that. 😈
Plus Starlight was the best thing to ever happen to the show. She made it even better then before and kept the show from being cancelled. Anyone who disagrees is a complete idiot. That's objective fact.
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You’re not gonna trigger me. Nice try, but not gonna happen.