"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying, And this same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow will be dying."
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Once upon a time, a strange tribe of breezies lived in the land of Equestria. Being naturally delicate creatures, they became vicious and cruel in order to hold their own against the world. However, the fate of the swarm is sealed when they venture into the dangerous Everfree forest, for a powerful magic-crafter has taken an interest in their bullying ways.
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You really nicely captured the feel of an old fairy tale, from before when the moral (if there even was one) was the important part. I've always liked that style. Similarly, while none of the characters are likable on a personal level – except Zecora('s ancestor? For some reason, an immortal zebra really seems to fit in this forest, but there is that sliced ear that needs to have healed by the show.) who is the perfect mix of mysterious and sage – they all feel well-constructed and a natural part of the story, and remind me of some of the heroes and villains that might have popped up in several otherwise unconnected stories. Finally, the Elven Witch's age was a really nice way of illustrating that these are, indeed, equines and solidifying it as being a story of Equestria.
The only thing I might possibly pick at would be that the orchard is named as belonging to the Apples at one point; with the exception of the King (and that one mention of the Everfree, which oddly didn't bother me) everything is kept vague and left to the reader to associate it with what we know of the show. Or, as I'm imagining it, allowing the foals gathered around their grandsire to fill in the details with whatever nearby forest they've been warned about (repeatedly, to little effect) or that farm just the other side of the river. Also, this was probably just me missing something, but what was with the laughing ugly insect? I would have said it contributed to the changelings' looks, but it really only came into play with the Queen.
Oh, and in most software, if you hold Shift when you press Enter it will break the line without adding the extra spacing between paragraphs. At least on Windows and Linux; I'm not sure whether that works on Mac. Might be helpful if you ever need to write for another zebra in the future.
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Thank you for the comment!
I can't really add much to your praise - though I will confirm that the zebra in question is Zecora, if not immortal then at least very long-lived* - but I will reply to the rest. The vagueness was mostly to emphasize how strange things appeared to the breezies rather than to fit an open cautionary tale; we the reader can fill in the blanks for dramatic irony, such as when the "changeling" is revealed. For instance, their ignorance of Zecora's habits and powers makes her a figure that commands emotions we ourselves would probably never feel because we already know her from the show. Keeping it vague enough helps better appreciate why the breezies would treat her with contempt, awe, fear, confusion, and so on. I never actually set out to cover up where it was set and who was who because I wanted a historical basis to the tale to shine through, though now you've brought it up, it's an intriguing idea that I might adopt for a future story if I try another fairy tale.
*Knowing her herbal remedies, perhaps she found a recipe to delay old age? In any case, she was ideal for the wise magician character this story needed, complete with the perfect literary quirk of speaking in rhymes, so I couldn't resist.
As for the ugly insect, it acted mainly as a magical spying tool for the Elven Pony and helped foreshadow that character's appearance later. The initial draft didn't feature it at all, but I didn't like how the character just appeared out of nowhere halfway through, so I thought I'd at least lead in gradually first. I did have in mind that she based the changelings' looks on its ugliness, but I wasn't sure how obvious to make it.
I will go through and remove the spaces between Zecora's lines, though, since it does look a bit ungainly as is.
I've made a few changes in accordance with the pre-reader's comments from Equestria Daily. Most of the alterations consist of making certain parts clearer (the ugly insect's role as living scrying device, for example) and correcting punctuation issues. Zecora's speeches have been given clearer lines to make her character's motivations more apparent, and there's a new scene, to expand her role, in which she tries to block the breezies from meeting the Witch. I've also included a "but first" speech near the end so the King's conclusion isn't as arbitrary as it originally was, though it also means the piece now merits a Tragedy tag.
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An excellently crafted explanatory fable. And like the best ones, it doesn't matter whether or not it's true. It makes sense to a fantastic degree. Thank you for a most engrossing read.
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Well, this comment was unexpected... but a pleasant surprise nonetheless. I'm happy to know you enjoyed this old work of mine so much.