Lunch Break

FictionFreek

FictionFreek #1 · Jan 30th, 2016 · 3 · ·

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Wasn't bad, very cute as well. But I felt that it was all done too quickly with no much buildup.

Elkophys

Elkophys #2 · Feb 4th, 2016 · · ·

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Nicely done. A bit fast-paced sometimes, but still rather pleasant story.
Have a like and a place on the appropriate bookshelf.

With a ruffle of her feathers, Twilight sighed. She knew she shouldn’t worry so much about the table and where it could be sending her or her friends. It would let them know when they were needed. We haven’t been needed for a month, Twilight thought. Spike was napping in his throne, having fallen asleep reading his newest comic. She walked to the castle library, hoping to find something interesting to read. Her eyes settled onto one of the fiction books. “Prancy Drew and the Mysterious Grandfather Clock.” With a shrug, she levitated it into the air.

I advise you to split the first paragraph into a few separate ones to follow the 'one idea per paragraph' rule.
Also that sentence about Spike is completly out of place there. It breaks the semantical line betwen two parts of the paragraph it separates.

With a ruffle of her feathers, Twilight sighed. She knew she shouldn’t worry so much about the table and where it could be sending her or her friends. It would let them know when they were needed.
We haven’t been needed for a month, Twilight thought.
She walked to the castle library, hoping to find something interesting to read.
Her eyes settled onto one of the fiction books. “Prancy Drew and the Mysterious Grandfather Clock.” With a shrug, she levitated it into the air.
She walked slowly back to the throne room where Spike was still napping in his throne, having fallen asleep reading his newest comic earlier.

Something like that.
_____

Twilight was considering going to Sugarcube Corner, to see if she could help the bakery, as she walked into the throne room.
<...>
Twilight smiled, nearly jumping from her throne.

Teleporting ponies from one scene (Twilight entering the room) to another (Twilight jumping from her throne) doesn't work for me for some reason.
It does work if two scenes obviously follow one another. But Twilight could do a million other things after she entered the throne room.
_____

Twilight swallowed. I was so looking forward to reading this book, too. Still, I guess it’s a nice gesture. She smiled at Pinkie,

Don't forget your quotation marks.
_____
Thank you for the story again^^

fallen starr

fallen starr #3 · Feb 5th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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6888765 Sorry, yeah, it was just a small idea I had in my head about Pinkie writing Twilight some blackout poetry. Glad you liked it though.

6890300 IT TOOK ME WAY TO LONG TO FIGURE THIS OUT because holy crap its so simple and it's actually funny but i was like...I have no idea what's going on. Now i do. I just am so slow sometimes.

6904822 Oh, hey, thanks for the advice. I see what you mean about that first paragraph and teleporting Twilight.. I probably won't go back and fix it on this story, but I will try and do that in future writing. That last bit was supposed to be her thoughts, actually, as I feel like that would be rude for Twi to say to Pinkie. I have went back and added in the proper code for that. I hope you enjoyed it anyway, and it's a pleasure to write. Again, thank you for the advice.

Moon loving Changeling

Moon loving Changeling #4 · Mar 26th, 2016 · 2 · ·

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My mind is blown........... By Cuteness

Thyrai

Thyrai #5 · Mar 30th, 2016 · · ·

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Super cute story Wish it was longer!!

Snowdrop the sexy wolf

Snowdrop the sexy wolf #6 · May 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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BIG MAC AND RAINBOW DASH ARE DATING!!!!! WHAT!? (i just read that part) += idk

Snowdrop the sexy wolf

Snowdrop the sexy wolf #7 · May 2nd, 2016 · · ·

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All i can think about is this cute story and other cute things.....please make it longer

+=

Zaid ValRoa

Zaid ValRoa #8 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Celstaia and Luna didn’t offer snacks at for their Courts.

Who did what, now?

Anyway...

With a ruffle of her feathers, Twilight sighed. She knew she shouldn’t worry so much about the table and where it could be sending her or her friends. It would let them know when they were needed. We haven’t been needed for a month, Twilight thought. Spike was napping in his throne, having fallen asleep reading his newest comic. She walked to the castle library, hoping to find something interesting to read. Her eyes settled onto one of the fiction books. “Prancy Drew and the Mysterious Grandfather Clock.” With a shrug, she levitated it into the air.
She walked slowly back to the throne room. She was, in all technicality, attempting to have Court right now, so that ponies could come in and talk to her. This was Ponyville, though. All the citizens of Ponyville had always just came in and talked to her when they felt like it, when she lived in the library, and not much had changed since she had gotten the castle. The foals had been an excitable bunch, but after going and talking at the school, most fillies and colts discovered she was still the same.
Maybe if I offer snacks? She shook her head at that. Celstaia and Luna didn’t offer snacks at for their Courts. Perhaps this is a useless venture. I don’t really have a lot of political clout—if ponies really want to be heard, they go to Day Court in Canterlot.

That was fun. I do wish it could have been longer, though. Regardless, it still is an endearing piece of fluff.

Good job.

fallen starr

fallen starr #9 · Aug 9th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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7065176 i am terrible at responding omg I'm sorry, but thank you.

7079158 thank you.

7179554 it seemed interesting. Idk.

7179570 glad you enjoyed it.

7465208 I am ashed at the amount of time it took me to understand what you were doing, but once I did, I loved it. Thank you so much.

Comment posted by Sunlight star deleted Jul 8th, 2023

fallen starr

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