Living at a filly orphanage isn’t all that bad, even if most of us are missing our original parents who gave us birth and love. Would we have been Ponies, if we had not been missing them?
Once you are fed, clothes, educated and entertained; life feels safe and happy, a normal life as any Pony would have told you.
I have my very own room, and with a wardrobe full of my shiny clothes. If you had told me it isn’t customary for Ponies to wear these clothes, fashioned out of local Latex Rubber; anyone of us would have laughed you out of the area, in no time flat. Why shouldn’t a filly wear these? I do love my bikini.
Chapters (2)
I'm sorry, but this was really odd... But at the same time intresting...
6895804
To have a Bondage Orphanage?
I think I can appreciate that. Just hope I can maintain the style on the level it is right now.
I just wanted to say I'm kind of looking forward to where you bring this story to but I also wanted to say your writing style is kind of awkward. I just had a little constructive criticism or just inquiries about some of they way things are played out.
In this sentence if you're going to have "seeing as" it needs an extra comma behind the word "as" but that's only if your using the phrase to transition from one thought to the next. For example: I open the door, not wanting to put much effort in to it, though, seeing as, it slides open I wouldn't have to worry about it. However I would like to ask for an explanation on why you used this phrase as it's not completely incorrect.
This sentence isn't wrong but it is clunky. "but opted to see what I looked like in the garments I had chosen" something like this makes the reason behind her actions move smoother.
In the way you used this "then I do remember" makes it redundant because having "Of course" also implies that she remembered something. Of course, assuming you do happen upon my advice and wish to change it, you can change it to "Of course, I remembered" (or remember depending on your tense).
This statement in bold is redundant as well seeing as it's her reflection and you were leading up to say they she wanted to see her reflection. So "just as I had wanted" would be more appropriate.
Sorry I'm going to be blunt. This sounds like broken English. Not only is in wrong in that you don't need it because of the point of view it's wrong in that you used a semi-colon as a regular colon, then acted as though it never existed to begin with. What I mean to say is you are writing your story in a first-person point of view. Adding a detail the narrator can't experience or hasn't experience yet doesn't make sense.
Again these are just thoughts about your story.
6922408
I always love to have more constructive critisism, as rare as it may be. The suggestions are helping me to improve upon my writing, as well as the story they were intended to.
I guess this could have been worded better, but how do I express that the character see the door open before her eyes with none behind the door?
The problem is that you change the emphasis on what she was looking for; from what she looks like in the clothes, to what the clothes looks like on her. Even if I guess the difference may be pretty subtle on a second thought? I like to express more subtle nuances in my writing with a minimum of words.
Of course could have been interchangeable with Naturally? Then is a time or condition, right? while do is emphasizing on remembering.
Wanted feels a bit flat, to me. Yet, I could try to change the section, and see how I could change how it came out.
if it feels like 'broken English', it is something I need to fix; since it certainly isn't what I had intended, and that still have no place in narrative descriptions. It may have worked in dialogue, but not here. The punctuation does look off in that instance, I will have to confess.
Yes, I always write in first person, as person perspective. I feel it is taking you closer to the character and a deeper immersion.
Just that I am working with a somewhat different, wider perspective. Aside from that light is no bland white, it comes in infra red you could feel all over the body.
Thanks, now I will just have to go back in, into the story and go over the issues and see how I can correct the problems.
I don't want to sound like a jerk but honestly I think it would help you to look for a proof reader just so they can help you by pointing out any grammical errors before you post your wonderful works of literature, just a suggestion, oh and keep up the good work because without people like you their wouldn't be any adventurous stories on here willing to push the fact that latex isn't just for sex or adults to wear. :)
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I think I can take serious, constructive critique, while I am still working on how to react and how o pull as much as possible out of what I get in return.
Feel free to point out anything you find, and if it comes through I will correct the story accordingly as soon as possible. Some of the older stories have not benefitted from the latest development, or the automated tools I have found through the help of friendly readers on the site.
Do I get you right, if I think you are referring to my older stories as well here?
Adventurous stories like this is a great part of who I am.
I have been an advocate to this effect, even before Hasbro made the point in the show, where Applejack tripped Rainbow Dash with the bucket of latex. Aside from Pinkie Pie and her fierce love for Latex Balloons.
Picking up on what may be a mere obscure reference and going out on a limb is what made Pinkie Pie great, and I am all for applying it to my story telling as well.
6993234 actually I wasn't talking about your older stories but getting someone to proof read your works can't hurt because they can give you constructive criticism before it goes out as well as point out spelling errors and grammical error which you might not have noticed. :)
6994120
You may consider being more careful and spesific in your future comments, if there is any chance of misunderstanding.
I am open to suggestions, and if you think you would be interested enough to suggest any improvements, I would love to hear.
Sorry to say, I have more or less given up on finding a proofreader for any of my stories.
You ever going to continue this?
An intriguing concept, I liked the detailed descriptions
i cant wait for the Next chapter