• Published 9th Jun 2012
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The Conversion Bureau: Thus Saith The Lord - Kamin 989



Celestia's Conversion Bureau project meets a totally unexpected problem.

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Chapter I: Face of the Waters

Chapter I: Face of the Waters

This is what the LORD says: By this you will know that I am the LORD: With the staff that is in my hand I will strike the water of the Nile, and it will be changed into blood. The fish in the Nile will die, and the river will stink and thus the Egyptians will not be able to drink its water.
- Exodus 7:17-18

Manehattan, Equestria

Equestria was abuzz with rumour and fear. Just yesterday one of the dirty humans had tried to kill Princess Celestia, attacking her in Canterlot itself. The Princess was refusing audiences, and no pony knew exactly what had happened, but they knew it was bad. Some entertained the thought she was sick or something, though the idea was self-evidently preposterous.

Steffy was an Earth Pony who was one of Manehattan’s million inhabitants, fed by a swift, clear river of good, pure Equestrian water. She suddenly noticed a commotion in a riverside district, and rushed to see what it was. The newfoals were especially agitated, and as she moved closer and looked she saw what it was. A human standing at the river edge, on Equestrian soil itself! How dare she defile it with her presence! Worse, she didn’t seem to be sick, and she was standing tall, holding a silver staff in her right hand.

Carefully and measuredlu, the human walked forward, on to the water, and held her staff high in her hand.

‘You think you are going to win, wipe out humanity with the power of your almighty Celestia,’ she said. ‘Think again, pony. You have not seen the wonders my Father will send upon you, make you see with your own eyes. Your magic will fail. Your goddess will surrender. You will break and you will yield.’

Thus saith the Lord.’

Her hand and the staff moved downward, breaking the water. The water swiftly became brackish and black, tiny wisps of smoke rising where it touched the riverbank. The acid spread over the water until the whole river was made of it.

‘This is the first of the judgements you will face for the pride of your false goddess. And it will be the very least as well.’

She walked barefoot off the water-turned-acid and turned away from Manehattan.

~*~

Canterlot

Kathy was a unicorn who was favoured by Celestia. Luckily, she hadn’t been so favoured that she was at the dreadful meeting in Canterlot, but she had been sent to replace the ponies now being cleaned out from between the flagstones.

She looked at her goddess in the throne room with the most respect she could muster, but now...Celestia looked tired, but that couldn’t be possible, could it?

‘Attend to the newfoals,’ the princess ordered, the unicorn obeying. She moved as quickly as possible to a camp within sight of Canterlot where most of the newly-Purified humans were being kept while they waited for an audience with Celestia. But the guards were writhing in agony, screaming and rolling around as if trying to put out a fire burning inside them.

She suddenly realised, they had been drinking acid...but how? Why? The unicorn moved over to a trough and began to drink. Her mouth burned and she recoiled. The newfoals drinking at the same trough were ignoring her pain; in fact they didn’t seem to even notice what had happened.

Across Equestria, ponies screamed in agony.

~*~

Washington D.C.

The American President was praying in the White House chapel. He did not consider himself overly religious, but throughout the duration of the Equestria Crisis he had taken to prayer. How else could he stand a chance?

An aide rushed in.

‘I – I’m dreadfully sorry Mr. President, but the Equestrian ambassador requests your presence,’ he said. ‘She says it’s urgent.’

The President moved over to the Oval Office, and bade the pony to go in.

The ambassador was not in a good mood.

‘How dare you!’ the pegasus screeched. ‘You tried to kill Celestia. You hit Canterlot with one of your bombs, and now you’ve poisoned our water, stopped the Barrier! You cowardly, insolent-‘

The President bade the pony keep quiet, cutting short her rant.

‘I am not aware of any of the things you’ve accused us of,’ he said calmly. ‘In fact, how could we? You do know, humans sicken and die on Equestrian soil. As for your latter accusation, we are not a magical species in any sense, and not even Celestia could stop the Barrier’s advance, so you said many times.’

‘You liar!’

‘Diplomatic immunity only goes so far. If you are going to keep on screeching your insults in my face as you’ve done so many times, I am going to ban you from stepping hoof on, or flying over as it may be, American territory ever again. Do you understand?’

The pony stormed out contemptuously. The President shook his head in response.

'You know,' he said. 'I don't think she should have ranted quite so much.'