The Conversion Bureau: Thus Saith The Lord

by Kamin 989

Prologue: Playing in the Big Girls' League

A/N: Inspired by one too many times listening to 'The Plagues' from The Prince of Egypt while reading about The Conversion Bureau, and first posted by me on Spacebattles.com.

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Prologue: Playing in the Big Girls' League

I could have stretched forth My hand and stricken you and your people with pestilence, and you would have been effaced from the earth. Nevertheless I have spared you for this purpose: in order to show you My power and in order that My fame may resound throughout the world.
- Exodus 9:15-16

New York, March 2013

The blonde woman walked through the nigh-deserted streets of the city, hearing the distant horn of a siren. About two years since Equestria had arrived, and the Barrier's relentless advance had almost reached New York. Her boyfriend had vanished two weeks ago - it looked like he was one of the ponies now. It was a wonder she had been missed in either the evacuation or the Conversion Bureau sweeps, but still-

-A straggling bush was in the way. She paused, because she knew it hadn't been there before. It suddenly burst into white, ethereal flame as transcendent harmonies rushed through her brain. Instinctively she postrated herself before the burning bush, after a while turning her head to look at it.

'Who...who are you?' she asked. It seemed an insane question, but the words flew from her mouth so naturally she was barely aware she was speaking them.

I Am That I Am.

The words filled her mind, and she felt a transcendent, inexplicable Power sweeping her heart and soul clean. She felt a peace she had never thought possible, and knew instantly what...or rather Who, this thing was. She saw, for an instant, three circles, together and separate at the same time, and she understood wordlessly how this could be so, in a sudden flash of truth.

A staff made of silver was before her.

Take This Staff, And Strike Down That Idol And Her Lies With All My Wonders.

She picked it up and rose to her feet, filled with purpose. She was having words with Celestia.

~*~

Canterlot, Equestria

The castle of Canterlot stood in the centre of Equestria, near what had been Chicago before the Translation. Princess Celestia was thinking hard, surrounded by her most skilled and powerful unicorn magicians. For some reason the Barrier's expansion had slowed to a crawl these past three days, now less than a tenth of what it once was. Could it be meeting...resistance? Celestia dismissed the idea, after all it couldn't be possible.

Three knocks came, striking the door of her throne room. The whole castle shook each time, then suddenly, the great door exploded inwards, its reliefs melted to slag. Walking through the smoking rubble was a...human?, carrying a metal staff.

Celestia glanced again, it was a female, one of their pathetic little musicians that used their stupid metal discs to store their works. She was dressed all over in white, with the cruciform symbol of one of their silly little religions on a pendant hanging from her neck.

She spoke first.

'Princess Celestia, I give you a choice,' she said. 'I do not like to see my Father's children slain needlessly. Leave humanity in peace and restore those you converted to their original shapes and minds, or I will be the instrument of His judgement and the enforcer of His sentence. Do you want to see first-hand what His wonders can achieve?'

The walls of Canterlot shook and a tower crumbled to rubble as she finished speaking.

Celestia went into a rage. A human was speaking with authority over her! How dare the impudent wretch presume to judge her! How dare she exist and bring her human filth here, in the heart of Equestria!

Celestia channeled all her power at the creature, then suddenly-

-Well, it was hard to describe. Everything seemed to happen at once. The human seemed to grow, a massive six-winged creature made of radiant energy and scorching fire appearing around her. The blast of energy that would have cooked a human a thousand times over stopped and fell into itself, as Celestia felt a scorching wave of heat drive her back, tearing at her very being. The walls of Canterlot began to shake massively, the windows exploding outwards all at once as towers suddenly shattered and crumbled like sandcastles.

The wave of power dissipated and Celestia looked around. Canterlot had been massively damaged, and worst of all, the unicorns that had been meeting with her could not be seen. She then realised what had happened - the unicorns had been turned to salt, which was now scattered around the scorched floor.

She fumed and raged, for her strongest attack hadn't hurt the human at all, and worse, she had been fundamentally, incurably weakened by the backblast.

But the human simply looked at her, her face unreadable.

'You chose poorly,' she said simply, and then casually left through the still-smoking wreckage of her strongest door.

Comments

[MemeticHazard]

I have come here to observe the inevitable flamewar that shall engulf this story. Do not disappoint me, sir.

i682.photobucket.com/albums/vv182/mikkirm/colbertpopcorn.gif

[WhisperingShadow]

MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!! YES!!!!!

[KefkaPalooza]

I shall cease my hatred towards everything to say that I simply love this fic!

[book_burner]

Celestia, I think you need to observe something: God has upgraded His prophet from human to seraph.

Seraphim (literally: burning ones) are the rough human equivalent of even the worst TCB!Celestia: vast, holy winged beings of fire that only bother to hold a shape because they need to interact with mortals.

And they're just soldiers for actual God Himself.

You're dead, filly.

[The Watcher 509]

721970

Can I get the drinks?

[Uzume Tennouboshi]

3142027 How true.

Not to mention God has existed since the creation of the very universe itself. So he has several trillion millenniums of power and experience compared to her.

[Magenta Cat]

3368581
All of this can be resumed in one single tough:
Aaaannnd heeerrre comes the beat down!

[Marokk]

I read the first part of this chapter and got to the part where it says "I am that I am." and I'm like "Awww shit, it's about to go down".
Seriously though, that phrase just holds so much power because it was a part of my childhood. I can't wait to see how Celestial gets her flank handed to her.

[StrigidaeFan]

3368581
Also, all Celestia has going for her is the power of the Sun.
God has power that could probably surpass the BIG BANG.

Celestia is screwed so badly that she can't even begin to consider thinking about comprehending how screwed she is.

[H550]

5467557 he spoke and the world was created. I wonder what would happen if he yelled.

[Shadow of the Night]

This is pretty rushed.

[ALICORN838]

5679024 The multiverse was created when he yelled.

[thatguy45]

6202021

[ALICORN838]

6375429 And apparently the universe was made with a fart.

[H550]

6202021 nah, he looked away and saw himself. They meet up every 1000 years for beer.

[Godzilladragon]

Alright, gonna get this out of the way, I'm not a big fan of the Christian ideology,

But God going straight up Old Testament on Celestia is fucking hilarious.

(On another note, to be more fitting with the original story it would've been much better for Luna to be Yahweh's chosen.)

[Arkansandragon]

8295650
Why Luna?

....wait. Oh! Nevermind, I just answered my own question.

[Element-OverLord]

2235743
Who cares?! This. IS. GONNA. BE. GLORIOUS! XD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QV3wFRy23cY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7oMBq1vkCM

[Xblaster]

9857528
More like ant-against-world-destroying-nuke

[Dimitri2278]

DEUS VULT INFIDEL!!!!!!!

[kpatkoch]

5679024
His yell put the fallen in their place of damnation

[Miskr]

I could have stretched forth My hand and stricken you and your people with pestilence, and you would have been effaced from the earth. Nevertheless I have spared you for this purpose: in order to show you My power and in order that My fame may resound throughout the world. - Exodus 9:15-16

I am The Cure!

[Order]

7409567
So he just has himself next to him yep that god for ya XD