Hmmm Idea seems intriguing,  writing doesn't seem to bad or rushed.  Definitely will read later and tell you what I think that is, if you would like.

error spotted.

"A Cybermare is a very dangerous robotic human.

I like what you did here! Keep up the good work

The only issue I have is it's sometimes hard to follow whose leading a conversation... other than that it's great!

>>728816728816 What's the error?

>>729540729540 I'll Explain later.

>>728790728790 Hmm, this is the first time I haven't gotten a lot of people saying that the writing is bad so..Sure if you want to.

>>729540729540 he said Cyberponies were human.

NOW do you see the error?

Yeah...I stopped reading this a few sentences in. Why you may ask?

It's not because the story idea and/or premise is bad. In fact, the reason I even bothered adding this to my favorites was because of such things.

Rather, it because, once again, I find a story that I REALLY want to get into. That I REALLY want to say is one of the better pony fics I've ever read. That I REALLY want to like.

Yet, once again, lady Fate/Destiny/Luck/Chance/Probability/Odds has decreed that the author of such a cool story idea would cripple his own writing in such an incoherent and hard to follow (without doing an Olympic games worth of mental gymnastics at least) manner that takes pride in knocking me away from my immersion and reminding me that I'm reading a poorly written fanfic, regardless of how interesting the ideas behind it are.

So, I say this to you Mr. 45, PLEASE! BE A ROLE MODEL! BE A CREDIT TO THE HUMAN RACE AND PROVE THAT JUST BECAUSE IT'S A FANFIC, DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT CAN'T HAVE BOTH GOOD UNDERLYING IDEAS AND EXECUTION! BE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS AND FIND THE TIME TO EDIT THIS THING!

I mean, I know in the comic book industry, it's a common complaint that editorial mandate prevents the actual story tellers from doing their jobs properly, but in this situation, I don't think it'd hurt to be one yourself.

>>853434853434 Um I'm just wondering did this story piss you off or are you glad to see a story that I took months of planning since I just recently came back to Fim Fiction? I'm just wondering.

>>860835860835

He likes the idea and the premise, but the way you have the story cut up, it doesn't flow.  The paragraphing is very jarring.  When there's a blank line between every line of dialogue and every action, it cuts it up and makes it difficult to read.  The best suggestion I have for you is that you should go read a few pages of a book and see how they do it.  When dialogue starts, it should be on a new line, but actions and words can be on the same line, and they should be.  Also, instead of saying

{The Doctor Said:  "Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey,"}

Use

{"Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey."  Said the Doctor.}

It sounds better, and tends to be a lot more professional.  So practice cutting it down to paragraphs rather than lines, and look at how an actual book is written.  Strive towards that.  Take second read throughs to fix grammatical errors, and try reading things, especially dialogue, aloud.  Anything that doesn't sound natural, fix it so it does.  You can have the best story in the world, but if it's formatted improperly it won't be as well received.  Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and keep my eye on this.

Also:  You said this is a DWaA fic, but that's the one with Ditzy o.o...Doctor Who Adventures is with Twilight.

>>861010861010 thanks for the tips. I'll also change the Title.

What an awesome story, man! (See? I'm speechless!)

kinda meh really don't like the new spike... I don't mean as a person I'm not supposed to like him as a person, I mean as a narative character, he's really way too flat and well stupid, his entire charecterization seems to be 'make him as big an ass as possibly without adding any aditional detail

I mean look cruella, ass, good character.     The Master: ass, good character.     Opal Koboi: ass good character.  Jabba the stinking hut: ass but good character

what makes them different from your spike, detail.  they had reasons to be asses, they had quirks,

why would spike yell rant and scream and just be rude, I mean really,  for want of a nail indead

anyway better if you added a quirk,  make him a perv,  have him offer to forgive twilight if she gives him...incentive...   give him a  large black or green or maybe red , make him fond of twirling it, whatever don't just default to shout

I appologize if the language itself offends you, that was not the intent