49w, 7hThe Traveler's Tales
A Blaze of…Glory?
(Crossover with "Living The Dream")
I was tending to the small flower bush outside of my house when with a sudden POOF, a purple Pegasus appeared from out of nowhere on top of my flower bush, a dazed expression on his face.
“Holy Frijoles!” I shouted, jumping backwards.
The Pegasus blinked, and then looked around, confused. “Um…Greg? Dude? Where are you?”
I cleared my throat, and looked at him pointedly. He met my gaze, and his eyes widened. “You’re not Greg!” He said, surprise evident on his face.
“And you’re not the Pizza delivery guy!” I replied. I then sniffed the air, and asked, “Hey, do you smell something burning?”
We both looked around, trying to find the source of the burning smell. With a sudden gasp, I pushed the Pegasus away, and cried out, “MY AZALEAS!!!”
Sure enough, the spot where the Pegasus had been standing was currently on fire, probably a remnant of whatever sent him here. I levitated a small watering can over, and quickly doused the flames before they could consume the rest of the small patch of flowers.
The Pegasus snickered, and said, “You’re more worried about your flowers than the Pony who just landed on them?”
I shrugged, and said, “I like my azaleas. Plus, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.”
He gave me a confused look, and I said, “I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that somepony messed up a teleportation spell.”
He grinned, and shook his head. “Nope. Moustache spell actually.”
I blinked. “Didn’t see that coming.”
“Neither did I. Oh, when I find Greg, I’m gonna totally get him with my best prank!” He said, a slightly angry glint in his eye.
I raised my eyebrow, and said, “Greg? What kind of Pony name is that?”
The Pegasus ignored me, and flew into the air, looking around. I noticed that his wings were slightly larger than the average size, and briefly wondered if they allowed him to fly faster than normal. He gave a little “HA!” of triumph when he saw Ponyville, and he flew off, leaving a trail of purple flames behind him.
“Hey, hold on!” I shouted, shifting into Pegasus form. I unfurled my wings, and took off after him. He was surprisingly fast, and I had to strain my wings in order to get within shouting distance of him.
“Sorry about the azaleas!” He shouted, once he noticed me following him.
“What’s your name?”
“Purple Blaze! You?”
“Omnius,” I replied. I then pointed at the ground, and said, “Hey, you mind landing for a second? Whoever this Greg guy is can’t be going anywhere anytime soon, so I figure you can answer my questions!”
Purple Blaze shrugged, and landed, folding up his wings as he did. “Sure.”
I landed next to him, panting slightly as I did so. Once I caught my breath, Blaze smirked, and said, “Wimp.”
“Whatever. So what exactly happened? How did you land in my Azaleas?” I asked, adjusting my vest.
“I was at my friend’s wedding, and I had just gotten finished playing a song right?” He started explaining. “Well, my idiot of a friend, Greg, decides that he wants to see if he can do a moustache spell like Twilight ca-”
I interrupted him with a raised hoof, and said, “Wait, wait, wait. You know Twilight Sparkle?”
He rolled his eyes, and said, “Well, DUH! I was at her wedding!”
I blinked, and said, “Twilight isn’t married! Hell, she’s not even dating anypony!”
Blaze looked at me, and said, “What, have you been living under a rock or something? She’s been going out with my friend Lan-, er, I mean Girokon for a while now! They just got married today! Or I guess it’s last night now.” He looked around, just noticing it was the middle of the day.
I scratched my beard, as I tried to figure out what he was saying. I have a feeling he’s not lying…but how can he be telling the truth, when I know for a fact that Twilight hasn’t shown any interest AT ALL in anypony? To buy myself some time, I motioned for Blaze to continue his story.
“Anyways, he tried to do the spell, fucked it up, and then BAM! I’m standing in your flowers,” He finished, getting ready to take off again.
I clamped my teeth down on his tail, and said, “Whoa there, you’re not going anywhere just yet!”
He looked at me, and smiled. Without even blinking, he pulled a pie out from nowhere (how?) and slammed it into my face. I was taken by surprise, and I stumbled backwards, letting go of his tail as I struggled to wipe the bits of lemon-meringue flavor pie out of my face.
“P.I.T.F tactics for the win!” He shouted, laughing as he flew off.
I scowled in his direction, and thought more about what he said. I started mumbling to myself as I followed the path, not feeling like flying just yet. “Let’s see…A married Twilight…pony with weird Japanese type name I’ve never heard of before…teleportation spell…disrupted feeling of whether it’s night or day…” I stopped suddenly, and face-hoofed myself. “Shit. He’s from another Equestria. Oh, I’m gonna need a bigger drink to deal with this! Wait, if he thinks ‘Greg’ is in Ponyville… Oh, Ye Gods, I need to hurry!”
I unfurled my wings, and took off, following the quickly fading trail of warm, purplish flames.
“Shit always happens when I’m doing something, doesn’t it?” I complained, not really meaning it.
I flew over Ponyville, searching for the displaced Pegasus, when I heard an angry voice shout, “I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!”
I turned to see a very irate Rainbow Dash, who was currently wiping off bits of pie off her face, while she flew in a seemingly random direction, shouting all the while. I flew over to her, and gently grabbed her by the tail, halting her flight.
“I GOT YOU NOW!” She shouted, spinning around, and bucking at the air, missing my head by a hair’s breadth. I removed a small handkerchief from my pocket, and wiped off the pie from Dash’s face. She blinked, and looked at me, surprised.
“Purple Pegasus hit you in the face with a pie?” I asked, putting away the handkerchief.
She nodded, and looked around. “When I get my hooves on him, I’m gonna-”
I cut her off, and said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of him. Where’d you get Pie’d?”
“I was just sleeping on that cloud over there,” She said, pointing at a nearby, pillow shaped cloud. “He flew by, said he was glad to see me again, and when I told him I didn’t remember him, he threw a pie in my face!”
I face-hoofed. Yep, he definitely wasn’t from THIS Equestria. “I can guess the rest. Alright, I’ll find him. Take care Dash.”
I flew off, and brought myself closer to the ground, watching for some sign of Purple Blaze. I spotted Pinkie Pie, and hovered over her.
“Hi Omni!” She called out, skipping along merrily.
“Hey Pinks. You haven’t seen an insane looking purple Pegasus, by any chance, have you?” I asked.
She stopped for a moment, and put her hoof on her chin, thinking. “I think I actually saw one just a second ago! He said something about going to the library, so he could find that ‘grass smoking idiot’ who messed up a spell!”
“Thanks Pinkie. Hey, what’s in the bag?” I asked, noticing the green shopping bag she carried on her back. Part of something resembling a slinky was hanging out of the bag, and I could smell something that reminded me of onions coming from the bag as well.
Pinkie giggled, and said, “It’s a surprise!”
I groaned inwardly. Whenever “Pinkie Pie” and “Surprise” were in the same sentence, it didn’t bode well for anypony involved (unless “Party” was in the equation).
“Riiight. Seeya Pinkie!”
I took off, flying towards the library as fast as my wings could carry me.
As soon as I reached the library, I grinned. There was no sign of Purple Blaze anywhere, which meant that I had gotten here before him. Not wanting to lose any speed, I decided to enter the library in typical Rainbow Dash fashion (fly through an open window, and hope that there was a pillow nearby that I could land on).
I crashed into the library, and landed on a convenient pile of paperback books that had just been stacked into a corner. With a muffled THUMP sound, they all tumbled over, forming a cocoon of old books around me. As much as I loved the smell of old books, I quickly stood up, and shook off a couple of stray books.
“Omnius, I just organized those!” Twilight complained, her horn glowing as she magically restacked the books.
I grinned sheepishly, and said, “Sorry Twi. It’s just that I had to get here before Purple Blaze did.”
Twilight gave me a look of confusion, and asked, “Who’s Purple Blaze?”
“Long story short, I think he’s from another Equestria,” I said, picking up a couple of books and putting them back into the stack.
“Well, it’s just that he said some things that didn’t match up with this world, but I could get the feeling that he was telling the truth,” I explained, looking out the window that was next to the door. “From what Pinkie said, he should be on his way here…”
Just as I said that, the door slammed open, and pressed me uncomfortably against the wall. “Ow…” I muttered, as the door closed, and I comically pealed myself off of the wall, while stars danced around my head. Shaking my head, I tried to focus on what was happening.
“Twilight! It’s really good to see you!” Purple Blaze was saying, as he gave the surprised unicorn a huge hug. “Congratulations on getting hitched and everything! Hey, how come you aren’t so fat?”
Twilight’s eyes widened in both confusion and indignation, as she pushed herself away from Blaze. “What? I’m not married! And what do you mean FAT?”
This time, it was Blaze’s turn to look confused. “But you and Girokon just got married last night! And aren’t you supposed to be preggo?”
I face-hoofed, and mumbled, “Oh, tonight definitely calls for some soda drinking…”
Luckily, for the first time in my eternal life, I was GLAD that Twilight was socially awkward. Why? Because it meant that she didn’t understand what Blaze meant by preggo. Oh, thank you Gods and Goddesses…
I rushed forward, and clamped a hoof over Purple Blaze’s mouth, and said loudly, “Don’t worry about it Twi, he’s just confused.”
Blaze glared at me, and said something unintelligible underneath my hoof. I shot a look at him, and said, “If I let go, you have to promise to be quiet until Twilight and I explain what’s going on. Savvy?”
He rolled his eyes, but nodded. As soon as I removed my hoof, a mischievous glint shone in his eyes, and he quickly shouted, “PREGGO MEANS PREGNANT!”
I slapped him upside the head, and shouted, “Dude!”
He just laughed, as Twilight’s eyes became extremely wide, and her mouth tried to spit out words that described what she was feeling. I sighed, and said, “Twilight, this is Purple Blaze. Purple Blaze, this is Twilight Sparkle…a different one. One that you DO NOT know.”
Blaze tilted his head, and said, “Well why wouldn’t I know her? She’s married to one of my friends!”
I sighed again, and decided to just spit it out. “You’re right and wrong at the same time. This is a different Equestria than the one you know. This is, to put it in its simplest terms, a different UNIVERSE.”
Blaze’s eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. He looked at me, and then back at Twilight, who was still in a bit of shock from what she had heard. He nodded slowly, and then without so much as a single warning, flew out the window, leaving the now familiar trail of purple flames behind him.
I shook my head, and went over to Twilight. I waved a hoof at her, and she finally blinked, and met my gaze. “I’m pregnant?” She said in a small voice.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Not in this world, but on another one. Don’t worry ‘bout it Twi. Just do me a favor and start researching Teleportation spell please. I’m gonna go get him before he does anything stupid.”
Twilight nodded, and immediately immersed herself into a book, wanting to forget what she had just heard from Blaze. With my luck, she’d probably be slightly traumatized for a while…greaaaat.
Flapping my wings, I followed the quickly fading fires, and searched for Purple Blaze.
I looked around for a few minutes, but then spotted the Pegasus, who was sitting on a tree stump near the forest, clutching a guitar in his hooves. I landed silently next to him, and approached, my hooves barely making any noise at all.
“Yeah, getting tossed through dimensions is a tough thing, isn’t it?” I said casually, sitting next to him.
He jumped, and looked at me, a small smile on his face. “You could say that.”
I nodded at his guitar, and said, “Nice guitar. Yours?”
“Yep. I had it with me when I got here…Oh, when I get back, I’m gonna kill Greg!”
I tilted my head, and said, “Okay, who the hell is Greg? And you talk too violent to be a pony.”
He grimaced, and looked at me, before saying, “Are you a human too?”
“Well that depends on your story. Care to tell me about it?”
Purple Blaze mentally debated with himself for a moment, but then shrugged. “Sure. It’s not really any big deal, but I’m not sure if you’ll believe it.”
“…Dude, I’ve beaten Dragons by shouting at them, seen male versions of the ponies here, and met a guy with an endless supply of cigarettes. Not to mention I’ve been tossed into a cannon by a giant gorilla, and been beaten so badly I’ve had to recover on another world, thirteen times! Try me,” I said, laughing all the while.
He started laughing too, and we both just laughed for a while, the tension in the air completely forgotten. “Alright, I guess you’ve got me there. Okay, so in, um…MY Equestria, I guess you could say, I used to be a human named….”
“….And then, that idiot tries to do the moustache spell, and the next thing I know, I’m standing on your flowers!” Purple Blaze finished, his mouth raspy from having to talk so much.
“So you’re telling me that that same unicorn not only did this, but he also brought WEED,” I said in amazement, “to Equestria? Dude, that is effed up so much!”
He chortled, and started randomly strumming his guitar. “Wouldn’t I know it?”
We were silent, as he started playing his guitar. Night had fallen, and Luna’s moon was currently casting its pale light onto our surroundings, letting us see.
“So, you’re a prankster then, huh?” I asked, pulling out my harmonica.
“Oh yeah. Probably one of the best!” he said, eying my harmonica. “You play the harmonica?”
I puffed out a few notes, and nodded. “Eyup. Everpony has gotta have at least one, right? And I just so happen to have quite a few hobbies.”
Purple Blaze grinned, and said, “Want to have a quick duel? I play my guitar, and you try to beat me with that harmonica!”
His grin getting wider, he immediately started to strum out a slow tune on his guitar. In a low voice, he started to sing, “Mercury dances in its skyscraper cell, rising and falling like rhapsody…
And I see winter's broken like lace, in time for a celebration…”
[Full song here. Right now, Imma gonna go ahead and skip to my part.]
When he was finished, I nodded. “Good song. Now I believe it’s my turn…”
With that, I slowly put the harmonica to my lips, and started to play a familiar tune on it…Purple Blaze’s eyes widened, as he looked at me with amazement. When I finished, he said, “You didn’t…”
“You played Enter Sandman…on a harmonica…”
“Oh yeah,” I said, smiling as I put the harmonica in my pocket.
“Took me forever to learn how to do that.”
We both laughed, and he finally got up, and slung the guitar over his shoulders. “So what now?”
“Twilight’s looking up a spell to get you back to your world,” I said, walking down the path. Blaze followed, and I added, “So for now, you’re gonna crash at my place for the night, and tomorrow Twilight should have a spell ready to git you home.”
He let out a sigh of relief, and said, “That’ll be good. I can’t WAIT to get Greg back for making me come here in the first place!”
I raised an eyebrow, and said, “Have you tried using a phony French Chef costume to trick him into getting a pie in the face?”
Blaze laughed, and said, “No, but it’s weird. A few days ago, I felt a disturbance in the Joke Force-”
“The Joke Force?” I interrupted.
“Well, that’s just what I call it. Anyways, I felt like somepony had just ripped off one of my gags by doing that very same thing.”
“Wait a second…I did that a few days ago…You don’t think that-”
“I can rip off of Star Wars, and become a Joki Knight?” He pronounced ‘Joki’ as ‘Joke-eye’.
“…Blaze, get your Light-Joybuzzer. We’ve got some training to do!” I said, a mad smile on my face.
We had been up all night, both of us managing to get a semblance of control over the mysterious ‘Joke Force’. So far, it could do anything that could be considered a joke, but not really anything dangerous, such as choking people with a thought (although we could make them laugh so hard that they needed to breathe, or pass out).
I stood off to the corner, as Blaze silently levitated a massive pie into the air. With a flicker of thought, he sent it flying at his target, a crudely drawn picture of who I guessed to be Greg. With a violent SPLAT, the pie completely covered the picture, and nearly took out my living room.
I trotted over to him, and said in my best Yoda voice, “Ready you are, young Pun-awan.”
Purple Blaze bowed to me, and said, “Thank you Master Luke Piewalker.”
I bowed to him, and replied, “And to you as well, Purple Wan Prankenobi.”
We both gave each other a bro-hoof, and grinned. I looked at the clock, and gave out a low whistle. “Well son of a bitch, look at the time.”
Blaze looked, and chuckled. “7:45? That’s not too bad…”
“In the morning.”
“Oh. I stand by what I said earlier.”
“Good point. Wanna head into town and test out our newfound pranking powers on somepony?” I asked, walking out of the door already, deciding for him.
“You know it!”
We walked to the town, randomly flinging pies and rubber chickens as we walked. I spotted the perfect potential target, and pulled Blaze into an alley.
“Blaze,” I whispered, my head barely poking out of the alley. “We have a fresh candidate…”
He snickered, and said, “Ah yeah. Who is it?”
“Rarity,” I answered, already calling a bottle of soda-water into my hooves. “Oh, this is gonna be gewwwd!”
Blaze knocked the bottle out of my hooves, where it fell onto the ground, and rolled away from me. “We are NOT pranking her,” He said simply, fires glowing in his eyes.
“Why not?” I asked, a little miffed that he had gotten rid of the sprayer.
“Because…um, she’s Rarity!”
“So? She doesn’t mind a good prank every now and then!” I retorted.
“Yeah, well, I, um…”
I had to stifle a gasp, and I managed to say, “You have a crush on her, don’t you?”
“No, I, um…” He started stammering, until he finally sighed, and hung his head. In a barely audible voice, he said, “Yes. I have a crush on Rarity.”
I raised my eyebrow, and said, “Well why didn’t you say so? Have you told your Rarity that you dig her yet?”
I shrugged, and flew out of the alley, Blaze following close behind. “Why not?”
“Because…well, look at her! She’s probably the most generous pony in all of Equestria!” He said, sighing dreamily. “She’s just got that perfect white coat, and those eyes! Oh, her eyes…” He trailed off, looping lazily in the air.
“That doesn’t answer my question,” I said, flying in front of him, and forcing him to stop.
“Dude. Look at me! I’m a pony who’s obsessed with childish pranks! A pony of her class would never go for me…” He sniffed a little, and looked longingly at Rarity.
I thought for a moment, and then snapped my hooves (wait a second, I SNAPPED THEM! SWEET GLORY HALLELUJAH, THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!) as I had a brilliant idea. “Blaze, come on, let’s skedaddle over to the library, pronto!”
“Because before Twilight and I send you back, we need to teach you how to be a proper gentlecolt!” I said, laughing as I flew off towards said library.
Purple Blaze’s face lit up with happiness, and he followed, thanking me as we flew.
Twilight, Spike, and I all stood nervously next to a table, as Blaze walked over, and sat in a nearby seat, with a napkin tied around his neck. A set of fancy silverware was in front of him, as was a bowl of steaming hot tomato soup.
“Now come on Purple Blaze,” I said encouragingly, while silently thanking James Bond and The Spy for teaching me these things in the first place. “All you have to do is pick the right utensil, and you’ll have mastered the art of being a gentlecolt.”
He gulped audibly, and his hoof hovered over a set of spoons. A bead of sweat glistened on his forehead, as he tried to decide which spoon to use. Twilight and I both held our breath in anticipation, wanting to see if our combined knowledge of Spies and How-to books would pay off on our pupil.
Blaze finally smiled, and said in a polite voice, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m not hungry at the moment. But I’m sure the soup would have been lovely.”
We all cheered at that, and gave Blaze a victorious round of applause. He tore off the napkin, and asked in a hopeful voice, “Did I pass?”
I wrapped a foreleg around him, and gave him a friendly noogie. “With flying colors you sunuvabitch! Now come on, we’ve gotta get you home! Twilight, you got that teleport beam ready?”
She nodded, and her horn started glowing. I stepped away from Blaze, and said, “I’ll be there in a second! I’d go with you via Twilight, but dimensional transport spells don’t work on me unless I give them my full consent!”
“Why didn’t you give me your permission? Don’t you trust me?” Twilight said, a bit of hurt in her tone.
“I trust you! It’s just that this way, I won’t have to have another unicorn zap me back,” I explained, scratching my beard.
“Oh. I guess that makes sense. Alright Blaze, it was nice meeting you! And tell my other self that she better not fall behind on her studies!”
“Will do Twilight. Nice meeting you again for the first time!” He called back, right before Twilight’s horn shot out a purple colored beam at him, and sent him home.
“Good job Twi. Now then: just look at this light for a moment please?” I said, holding out a small silver cylinder while putting on a pair of sunglasses.
“Sure but what’s going-” FLASH! Twilight’s eyes glazed over, and she seemed slightly distant.
I cleared my throat and said, “Even with your best efforts, your trans-dimensional teleportation spell didn’t work, so I had to step in and send him back myself. You did a wonderful job, and feel compelled to research the matter.”
She blinked, and shook her head. “Omnius? What were you saying? And what’s that in your hoof?”
“Neuralizer. Just had it in my pocket and wanted to show you. Well, if you excuse me, I need to make sure that Blaze made it back alright,” I said, following my new prank-happy friend into another world.
I landed gently on the ground next to Purple Blaze. He blinked, and looked at me. “You made it!” He shouted, slapping me on my shoulder.
“Wouldn’t dream of missing this. Now here, put these on,” I said, hoofing him a large brown cloak and jester hat. “These are the official garbs of the Joki Knights. We’ve gotta look the part if we want to get your friend back, right?”
He snickered, and put on the outfit. “This is gonna be awesome.”
“Hell yeah.” I wrapped the cloak around me, and we flew off towards Canterlot, going over our plan as we flew.
“Blaze, dude! You’re alright!” Greg said, trying (and failing) to sound relieved. “What’s with the getup?”
Blaze had a wicked smile on his face, as we both lifted two giant pies into the air. “My name is Purple Wan Prankenobi…”
“And I am his new ally, Luke Piewalker…”
We both slammed the pies into his sides, effectively encasing him in the pastry version of Carbonite. “And we are Joki Knights!”
While Greg tried to kick his way out of the massive pie tins, we dashed up to where Blaze knew Greg would keep his “blunts” as he called them. With a quick use of the Joke Force, we turned his precious stock of weed into…well, let’s just say it’s blue and can still cause some pretty intense hallucinations.
I gave Purple Blaze a bro-hoof, and smiled. “Nice meeting you Blaze. Can’t wait to be in this story from the beginning next time! Who knows? I might just randomly show up later on too!”
“Traveling! It’s what I do!” I turned overdramatically on the spot, and said one final line before disappearing:
“IT’S GOOD TO BE THE TRAVELER!”