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We’re gonna need more Duct-tape
(Part II of a crossover with k12314’s ‘How Did I get Here?’)
As we started the long walk to Ponyville, I got bored, and decided to strike up a conversation with Kyle.
“So…How DID you get here?” I asked, looking at him.
He sighed, and said, “It’s a long story.”
“It’s an even longer walk,” I replied, gesturing at the long path ahead of us. “And there’s nothing like a good story to pass the time, eh?”
Kyle considered it for a moment, and then said, “I guess you’ve got a point…Alright…Wind.”
“All I felt was wind…”
“…And then I woke up in that cell, met you, and…Well, you know the rest,” Kyle finished, clearing his throat. He had been talking for the better part of ten minutes, and Ponyville was finally in sight.
“Wow,” I said. “So you fell from the sky, got Zephyr hitched to Spitfire, and you’re one of Ponyville’s most prominent DJ’s. Not to mention that you and Dash are hitched, and have adopted Scoots. That’s Bitchin’.”
We both laughed at this, and continued walking. Kyle then looked up, and groaned slightly.
“I need to talk to Dashie about getting me into Winter Wrap Up,” He said, remembering that it was in a few days.
I looked at him, with my eyebrow slightly raised, and said, “Well, from what I know, you can just participate.”
He looked relieved, until I added, “They do a musical number EVERY YEAR though...”
Kyle gulped audibly, and stuck his hands in his pockets. “Uh-oh... I'm not the best singer in the world...” He confessed, looking nervous.
I probably should have said something to reassure him, but...you never know how long it’ll be ‘till you get to troll someone! I pulled my harmonica out of my pocket, and waved it at him, smiling widely. “That’s why I’ve got this baby,” I said, troll-facing him.
He looked at me with a hilarious mixture of envy and anger on his face. “I hate you. SO. MUCH,” he said, looking longingly at my harmonica.
I couldn’t help it. I busted up laughing, and had to fight the urge to say, “Lol, U jelly?”
Kyle then glared at me, and said in a remarkably good impression of Nick, from Left 4 Dead 2, “Omnius... If you keep that up, I'm going to bury you alive.”
I gulped, and felt the memories of my last adventure kick in. I looked around nervously, fully expecting a hunter to pounce on me, while a Tank showed up. I don’t know why, but Tanks always showed up just when I got pounced on.
As soon as I remembered that this was Equestria, and not a zombie infested city, I tried to think of something witty to say. “Erm…” Oh yeah. Best comeback ever…not.
“Yeah, that shut you up,” Kyle said, nodding in satisfaction. “Now... Musical number... Meh, I'll make it up as I go along,” He shrugged nonchalantly, trying to hide his nervousness.
I felt a little bad for teasing him with my harmonica, so I offered, “I could help you. I'm good with lyrics.” Not a lie, but not exactly the truth either. See, I’m good at writing lyrics, but…mostly in the form of parodies. It’s how I made the majority of my money on Equestria!
Kyle apparently didn’t know that however, as he let out a huge sigh of relief, and half-shouted in happiness, “OMNIUS, YOU’RE A LIFESAVER!”
“Among other things,” I laughed.
Just as we prepared to enter town, Kyle stopped, and said, “OK, so... Before I confront Dashie about not being on the TARDIS, as I know she'll be upset, I say we try to get The Doctor to let me stay. Maybe we can think of a way to fix the rift too...” He added, almost as an afterthought.
I nodded agreeing with him. It’s kind of bad for business when a world gets destroyed. “Yeah. I may not know much about all of that wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, but I do know how to mess with it until it works!” I said, a slightly mad gleam in my eye.
“Omnius, buddy, you scare me.” Kyle then grinned, and said, “I like that about you.”
We walked into town, hoping that we would be unnoticed, but the universes take great delight in screwing with me. What happened this time you ask? Oh, just an angry looking rainbow colored fiancée that was glaring daggers at Kyle. Oh, and their kid was there too.
“So much for entering unnoticed,” I muttered quietly. We walked up to the two Pegasi, Kyle fidgeting nervously.
“Kyle... Why weren't you on the TARDIS?!” Rainbow Dash half-screamed. “I was worried sick about you! NOT. COOL.”
Kyle winced, and started stammering, trying to say an explanation that would both calm down R.D, and prevent him from getting his face caved in. “I... Well you see we... I mean I... And then he... The government...” He finally let out an exasperated sigh, and asked pleadingly, “It's a LONG STORY. Can I just tell you later?”
“No, I wanna know NOW.” Rainbow Dash leaned forward a bit, and said angrily, “I think your own WIFE has a right to know these things.” She then gave Kyle a pale imitation of Fluttershy’s stare, which while not as potent as the original, was still enough to finally make Kyle buckle under the pressure.
“Alright,” Kyle sighed. “Well-”
Okay, patience gone!
I interrupted Kyle, saying, “Look Dasher, I'd love to catch up with you too, but right now, we've got stuff to do. NOW.” I placed extra emphasis on “NOW”, so that Dash would know we were in a huge hurry.
“And who says I won't keep you here until you guys tell me what's going on?” Dash retorted.
I narrowed my eyes, and asked her quietly, so that Scoots wouldn’t hear, “What if I said Equestria would disappear in a snap if we don't hurry?”
Dash knew me well enough to know that I would never play that card unless it was extremely important. Her eyes widened, and Kyle and I quickly walked past her, while Scoots looked at us, confusion apparent on her face. Kyle turned his head, and mouthed something to Dash as we walked off, probably telling Dash he’d explain later.
As soon as we were out of earshot of the Pegasi, Kyle let out a huge sigh of relief. He turned to me and said, “Omnius, you just saved my LIFE. I know what wives are like about their husbands getting in trouble. I watched those movies…”
I waved a hoof at him, and said, “Don’t mention it. Now…where’s The Doctor?” I looked around the neighborhood, and spotted a familiar looking house. “AH! I remember! This house, right here!”
I opened the door, and we walked inside. The Doctor was already in his living room, but he seemed…different somehow. I couldn’t put my hoof on it, until he approached us with his Sonic Screwdriver aimed at Kyle.
“Well, if it isn't you... Wait, a human...” He said, eyeing us cautiously.
“Wait, Doc, it’s me!” Kyle said, confused and a little shocked.
“I don't know you, but I do know why you're here.” The screwdriver glowed ominously, and he said, “You're trying to destroy this world.”
“No, actually, he's trying to help me save it,” I said, stepping between Kyle and The Doctor. The Doc looked at me, surprised, and I realized my mistake: This was the wrong Doctor! See, there’s the normal Doctor, the one that me and Kyle know, and the Equestrian Doctor, who’s this world’s version of him. Confusing? Oh hell yes it is.
“OK, we need to go see you- Well, your other you,” I said, turning around. The Doctor continued to look confused, and I added, “But that doesn't- OH FORGET IT. Come on Kyle, let’s go. I forgot, this was the wrong Doctor.”
“I can tell,” Kyle said, rolling his eyes.
After a few more minutes of walking, we were suddenly confronted by The Doctor. That is, we met up with the OTHER Doctor, not the one we were just…Oh, forget it, you know what I mean!
“Alright...” The Doctor started angrily. “I know you brought him back here, Omnius, and you need to send him home.”
“Why?” I asked, a subtle hint of anger underlying my tone. “He didn’t do anything!”
“Well, his coming here again caused the rift to get even bigger!” The Doctor spat. “Now Equestria has even less time. Congratulations, you've killed a world,” He said, giving us a mocking round of applause.
I could hear the gears turning in my head, as I tried to come up with an explanation for the Rift’s instability. It didn’t make any sense! See, I don’t use Rifts to Travel, I use…well, it’s too hard to explain, but the point is, if I didn’t take Kyle with me through a Rift, then that meant that something else had to have done so…But what?
Wait a second! FLASHBACK SEQUENCE, INITIATE!
“Well...Until now...The TARDIS got all messed up, so everypony is still just that: A pony.”
Ring-a-ding-ding, we have an answer!
“Wait, didn't you say that the TARDIS had sustained some damage, Kyle?” I said quickly, going into science mode.
“Uh, yeah. Why?” Kyle asked, confused.
“What if that's what caused the rift to grow?” I turned to The Doctor, who was looking at me with interest now. “The TARDIS could have just jumped through the rift to get back here, due to its damage. So what if that 'slingshot' method strained the rift, and just made it worse?” Science, don’t fail me now…
The Doctor thought for a moment, considering what I said. He nodded his head, and asked, “So, what do you propose?”
I grinned, and said, “Duct-tape. And lots of it!”
Kyle punched me on the shoulder, and said, “This is serious!”
I rubbed the spot where he had hit me, and replied, “Ow...” I looked at The Doctor, and said, “OK, how about you give us twenty four hours to fix the rift, and if we do, Kyle gets to stay. If we can't fix it, he and I both leave quietly.”
The Doctor’s eyes widened, as he realized what I had just gambled. “That sounds fair…” He said quietly, trailing off after a moment.
Silence fell, until Kyle looked around, and asked, “Where's Derpy and Rose?”
The Doctor cleared his throat, and replied, “I dropped them back at home. Rose wanted to see her Mum, and Derpy wanted to see her daughter.”
“Oh. Makes sense.” Kyle then turned to me, a determined look in his eye, and said, “Alright, Omnius, let's get going. We have a rift to fix. ALLONS-Y!”
With that, we both took off at a run towards the library, hurrying because now we had a deadline.
I knocked on the door of the library, and waited outside with Kyle.
“Coming!” I heard Twilight say, right before she opened the door. “Omnius!”
She threw her forelegs around me in a hug, which I returned gently. “Good to see you again Twilight! Listen, I know I just got back and everything, but me and Kyle need to borrow the library,” I said, gesturing towards him with my head.
Twilight looked at me, and said, “Alright. But why?”
I cleared my throat, and said, “Oh, you know, the usual reasons. Apocalypse is coming, and we need to stop it.”
Instead of panicking, Twilight’s eyes just widened slightly, and she giggled nervously. “Oh, of course. Go right ahead. Just another day on the job for you then, huh?”
We laughed at her bad joke, and I said, “Yeah. You’d better go for a walk or something. This is something that Kyle and I have to do ourselves.”
She protested at that, but I waved my hoof in front of her, and said, “Ap-up-up! No buts! Now if you’d excuse us…” I motioned to Kyle, and we walked in, grabbing armfuls of books off of the shelves, and tossing them onto the table.
“Wait, Twilight!” I called out, just before she left. “You wouldn’t happen to have some of that bath stuff used to cure Poison Joke, would you?”
She shook her head, and said, “Sorry, but no. Why?”
I sighed, and said, “Ah, it’s not important. Thanks anyway Twi. We’ll catch up later though. Right now, we’ve got some researchin’ to do!”
Twilight nodded her head, and left the library. I lit up some candles, and said to Kyle, “Alright…you start with that mountain, and I’ll start with this one. Holler if you find anything useful.”
As we made our way through the immense treasure trove of knowledge, Kyle and I made small talk.
“So…” I started, skimming through a book on wormholes. “Why do you keep stealing The Doctor’s catchphrase?”
Kyle looked up, and blinked a few times. “Wait, what? You mean allons-y?”
“Yeah, he uses it all the time!” I said, tossing the book over my shoulder. Nope, nothing in there. That’s part of the reason I had asked Twilight to leave…If she saw the mess we were making, she would probably kill us…or worse, make me shave!
“Why that dirty son of a-” Kyle let out an exasperated groan. “I used that around him once, and he said he was going to use it every once in a while.” He shook his head, and muttered, “That Time lord punk is ripping me off...”
“Wow. Didn’t see that coming.” I shrugged. Then again, I’ve seen weirder things.
“Alright, let’s keep thinking...” Kyle said, opening another book.
Two hours later (and thirty books for me) Kyle snapped. He threw the book he was reading across the room, and shouted dejectedly, “I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!” He slammed his head onto the table, and his body started trembling. Sorrowfully, he said with desolation in his voice, “All of the things I've done... All the relationships I have... My family... I'm going to lose it all...”
He sobbed, and I felt a flash of anger rise. I trotted over to him, and said, “"You're just going to give up?”
“What's the point?” He replied. “If you or The Doctor don't know how to fix this, how the hay am I going to?”
I glared at him, and growled in a low voice, “Well, you seemed to be able to adjust to any and all situations before, why not now?” Kyle looked up, tears streaming down his face, and I continued, saying loudly, “I mean, Ye Gods, man! You can do anything if you set your mind to it! In the short time you’ve been here, you’ve become a DJ, you gave a kid a family, and you helped to make so many lives better! To almost everypony here, you’re a hero! And you know what?” Kyle looked at me, and I put my face right in front of his, and snarled, “Heroes. Don’t. Give. Up. Now get your head up and keep reading. Come on, we've got worlds to save!”
He wiped the tears away, and nodded. He grabbed another book, and started scanning it rapidly, trying to find something, anything, that could help us out.
I managed to stay awake for a few more hours, but eventually, the strain of using my Strength Aura, and the monotonous flow of information, combined with the lack of soda in my life, finally caught up with me, and I passed out.
“LIGHTBULB!” Kyle cried out excitedly, jolting me from my sleep.
I shot up, and hit my head on a few books, saying, “What? Lightbulb? This room is lit by candles...” I rubbed my head, and dug myself out of the pile of books that had fallen on me.
“No, Omnius,” Kyle grinned excitedly. “ I have an idea!”
“And what might that be?” I yawned, his excitement slowly waking me up.
“Come on, Hope. We have a posse to gather!”
My eyes widened slightly…
Ye Gods and Goddesses, he knew.