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The time has come for Celestia and Luna to move on to the next state of being, and for the younger princesses to step into new roles. The time of succession is at hand. But change bring new challenges for Equestria.
It is time for a second Age of Miracles, or a second Age of Chaos. It depends on who the winners are, because the winners will write the histories.
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I like this story. But for a complete story like this. I think there should have been more chapters or at least one more.
First comment!
Great story! Gets a like!
Could you make one for Twilight? I really like this but maybe one with her and one with both of them?
Hey! Okay, so you asked for my opinion on this, and I think the idea is really clever. I, at the very least, have never considered that Cadance and Twilight are meant to be successors to Celestia and Luna. I don't think I've ever read a fic where they are in the same way as they are here. It's very original, and very good. However, there are some elements I felt could be improved. In the first chapter, you have a lot of Twilight and Cadance saying the same thing, apparently unpracticed, which would be nothing if it had only happened once, or even twice, with relatively short phrases. But you have them spouting out longer sentences, which does not seem like it could actually happen. There is also a lot of awkward phrasing in the story. One of the best ways to contend with that is to read the story out lout to yourself, and listen to what you're saying. Do you stumble or do you hear something weird? it would probably be best to change that around, then. The last thing I thought about was the dialogue choices. Obviously, we don't really know how far into the future this is. I'm assuming Shiny and everyone we know is dead and common speech could have changed, but I feel like the words don't flow organically, as if they are something a person (or pony, whatever) would say.
Still, this is an increadable idea, and I feel like if you tried, you could get a lot of material out of this. Going back and writing the talk where Cadance and Twilight find out they will take the Princesses place, what happens after, the reaction of the populus, how other countries react, you could really get a long story out of this if you so wished. This is a wonderful idea and a decently written story. Keep writing and soon you'll be outstanding.
Thank you very much for your extensive and honest feedback. I agree with much of it. In my initial writing I thought of the simultaneous dialog as being an outgrowth of how “in sync” Cadence and Twilight were about what they were about to go through. In hindsight it does not come off so well. I also appreciate the advice about reading stories out loud. It is a useful trick, and I should likely do it more often.
I agree there is the potential here for a longer story. My head is swimming with possible story threads, and you have some great suggestions. I had in mind something structured like Cry For Eternity, (a very cool fic), where chapters are events within in a long time scale. If I find the energy to continue this story, I will strongly consider your ideas for rewriting and extending it.
I really wish there was more.
I think there is value to what has been suggested, but I would also ask that exactly what you have here be preserved in some fashion because it was an interesting change of pace.
Well, except for them saying exactly the same things... that seems a weightier choice. I think it shows exactly how close their partnership is, but showing they are still distinct individuals could have value too. Perhaps have egghead Twilight say the same things with bigger words or more explanation on her part of her logic and motives? AKA lecturing?
I am curious as to if Shiny is somehow still alive, who Cadance's current husband is if he is not, and what the short term pragmatic effects of Cadance's act here was.
Also, wouldn't the Crystal Mountains be part of the Crystal Empire and thus now fully a part of Equestria? Was the city/empire abandoned for pragmatic reasons and the Heart moved to, say, Canterlot? I can't see Cadance not punishing him rather than giving hi!m a "turn back or else" if he had destroyed it... well, maybe if it was without his knowledge simply as a result of his arising from where he slept. Or maybe he thought it was still banished and had Equestria and the successors as a higher priority than checking?
Did anyone die do his flight and their fight? I would think there might be hermits and isolated farms and mines in those mountains, not just snow and trees. Then again the same sort of logic could be applied to Tirac vs Twilight and we are probably supposed to assume that nopony died there...
7796405 Thank you for your thoughtful comments. There are many things I should do to improve this story if I ever do a rewrite...
I like the idea of showing Twilight and Cadence’s bond by having them say similar things, but showing their personality by saying them differently.
My assumption was that these events happened far enough in the future that Shinny had lived a long and happy life, then passed on. I should have made the timeline clearer.
It was not my intention to suggest that the Crystal Empire had been destroyed. If it had, Cadence would not have given a warning. Looking at the map again, I see I made a geographic mistake. The Crystal Mountains are the small range south of the Empire, when I thought they were the big range north of it. The range to the north is named “The Frozen North” on the map I just reviewed. I should have also call out Mount Everhoof as the tallest mountain to the north.
I’ll take your “out” and assume that like Twilight vs. Tirek, no hermits in the mountains were harmed in the fight. I’ll admit, I wanted to write a scene where Cadence hit someone so hard that she created a mushroom cloud, so put it somewhere out in the wilderness where I could assume nopony else would be hurt.
Glad to help.
Sorry for all my typos. I am on a tablet.
Great Story!
why devide it up, why not give it to spike?
hes a dragon himself he should still be around and having the new dragon king be someone they know and trust would have been the beter option
I wish there was more to this story.