I am 15 years old, live in Madison Wisconsin, and suck at writing. Love me.
97w, 16hShameless Self-Inserts
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Without anypony actually saying anything, least of all me, we wandered back to Twilight's library. We got plenty of weird looks, considering that half of us we scuffed up, and because Pinkie Pie was clinging to my back and purring like some sort of failed assassin cat.
When we reached the library, we discovered a floor that looked brand new. A generous finish had been applied, so it had a dull sheen to it. The shelves were all back in order from the quake that I had literally forgotten about until then, and had all the books neatly crammed on them.
Needless to say, Twilight was confused.
"So the library, the place where I live, gets fixed and nopony tells me!?" She snorted, seeming to both hate and love the prospect of getting her house back, albeit without being told about it. I felt like there was some sort of lesson to be learned from it, something about how the government sucks and we should all become nudists (Which we totally are already), but I have no clue.
Pinkie Pie looked up from rubbing her face in my mane. "Where's Spike?"
Twilight raised a hoof to answer, then quickly realized that she had no answer. Until she briefly browsed the humongous amount of information that is the internet, and came up with something. "Space," She nodded slowly, apparently liking the only vaguely decent reference. "Definitely space."
I face-hoofed, while everypony else looked confused. With good reason, too. GET BETTER REFERENCES, TWILIGHT.
Rarity moved towards the stairs, calling out as she did so, "Spike? Are you here?" Everypony quickly followed suit, forming the incredibly effective 'hey everybody, let's all look at different walls of the same room when what we're looking for can't hide in the walls!'
Deciding that actually looking all over was a good idea, I lead Pinkie upstairs and went into the room opposite the one that Rarity entered. If I wanted to help her search, I couldn't have. She locked the door. Don't ask why. The only thing I will answer with is 'she's masturbating,' because I'm a douche bag like that.
The room I entered was Twilight's from the look of it. If the bed didn't give it away, the massive telescope that could probably see some guy waving from Uranus (lol) gave it away as well. And sitting peacefully as can be, was Spike. In his little bed thing. Right there.
His irritatingly blissful looking sleep was halted by a very loud, friendly, and pink sound. "I FOUND SPIKE!"
The poor guy flew into the ceiling, then ricocheted into the floor. Flailing about from the heart attack that I can only assume happened, he was awake pretty fast. "What jus- I'm awake!"
Clawing himself into an upright position, he was treated to a face full of Pinkie Pie. "Hiya Spike!"
Oddly enough, he flew into the ceiling again.
When he recovered, he gave a very angry and pouty pout to Pinkie. "A nudge would have worked just fine."
OWNED IN THE FACE
In trying to think of something witty to say (he failed), everypony else had gathered in the doorway and peered in. Rarity beamed. "Spike! Your alright!"
"Why wouldn't I be alrig-" he was silenced by a crushing hug from the fashion pony. Fact: Sewing machines can apparently make you RIPPED.
Unable to properly do anything due to a severe case of broken everything, Spike was smothered. Not literally, though everypony feared that he was after the thirty second mark. rarity had to dragged off of him by Twilight.
"Please let me live." Spike managed to gasp out. I leaned next to him and gave a smirk. An evil smirk. A smirk so evil that it could slay the Balrog or something. He tried to squirm away. I kept smirking.
I am horrible.
"So what now?" Applejack asked, "We found Spike. Do we jus' wait for sumthin' to happen?"
That's a good question, Applejack. Why don't we direct our attention to Twilight, because we love putting Twilight in positions of responsibility so that we can blame our inevitable failure on her. Because we are nice ponies and we love everybody.
"We could head to Canterlot and see what's up with Celestia," she suggested. Huh. How could I fail to think of something so blatantly obvious? I slapped my own face silly as I realized my failure. Good thing I can blame Twilight, hahahahaha...
Regardless of any face slapping that may or may not have been going on, Twilight's idea was the only one we had, so we followed through on it. During the ride to Canterlot, nothing happened.
Nothing. At. All.
* * * * *
The teleportation spell was disorienting.
And when I say disorienting, I mean I almost lost my guts.
The same thing seemed to have happened to everypony, including the spell caster herself. We waited a few minutes for our stomachs and everything else to settle their differences with each other. Since the both of them are stubborn jerks, it took longer than we wanted.
A guard had approached us as we recovered ourselves, undetected. That creeped me out more than a little. Shame I couldn't go into detail about how creepy the guy looked, since every single royal guard has the exact same blue mane and white coat.
"Are you here to see the princess?" the guard asked, apparently expecting us. That's strike two on the creeper chart, mister. You better watch out if you want to avoid having to walk around singing a song by the Lonely Island. then everybody will hate you because you will scare them. Your life will slowly spiral out of control as everypony you know and love gets creeped out.
Don't go down this road.
Twilight swallowed. "Yes, actually. How did you know?"
"She was expecting you," BIG SHOCKER THERE," I was told to not let you into the castle, Element of Magic."
Flinching, Twilight frowned. "What do you mean, 'we aren't allowed into the castle?'"
The guard remained stoic and creepy. "You are not allowed entry into the castle by Celestia's orders. You may now leave."
I hope Twilight doesn't turn the poor guy into stone or something. She looks like she wants to kill something at least seven times, not counting torture so painful it puts its victims in a near-death state of being. She stamped her hoof, but couldn't think of something to counteract a direct order from Celestia herself.
"Let's leave." Twilight charged her horn without warning us that we were going to be teleported in a second, and we were promptly placed back in the Ponyvillie library.
"Can we take a chariot next time?" Pinkie asked as she wavered on her hooves before just leaning onto me. Somehow I manged to stay upright with added weight of Pinkie Pie on me. It was when she actually climbed onto my back that problems arose.
After an incredible three seconds of resistance, I fell to the floor with a pink pony splayed out on top of me. She makes a good blanket, actually. With the mental image of a blanket made of Pinkie in mind (Where else would a mental image be?), I curled up on the floor. Pinkie swiftly followed suit, snuggling against me.
Even though I closed my eyes, I could almost sense a smile on everypony else's face. "Awwwww..." Fluttershy sighed. that made me smile more than the Pinkie Blanket 5000 was. The swirling feeling in my gut was soon replaced with warm happiness and rainbows.
It's less spicy than I thought it would be.
Twilight, however, missed out completely on what was happening on the floor. instead, she paced restlessly on the shiny floor, muttering to herself about princesses and guards and frogs and stuff. you know, normal everyday rebellion type stuff. Applejack seemed to pick up on her anger, and moved to try and solve it.
"Twi, there's no need to get so worked up over this. For all we know, Celestia is just dealing with the dragon thang as we speak, and can't exactly see us."
"But how could she not be done with it? She's Princess Celestia! She raises the sun! this should be no problem!" Twilight quickly spun on her hooves to face Applejack, who reared back from the angry face that had suddenly appeared in her face.
She took a step back. "Twilight, get a hold of yerself! We can just wait for her to be done with whatever it is she's doing, and then we'll talk to her! Simple!"
Twilight steeped right back up to Applejack, getting even more angry by the second. "But it isn't that simple! She's a ruler of Equestria! If she isn't seeing her personal student, then something is wrong, very very wrong!"
Her steps were loud on the wooden floor as she came even closer to Applejack, who was forced to move away from Twilight. "Maybe she's dead, or wounded, or worse! Maybe she just doesn't want to be seen in a weakened state and lower morale across the nation!"
Applejack looked afraid of the nearly deranged mare in front of her. Twilight was about to launch into more ranting when Rainbow Dash grew tired of watching. She wanted to change the channel! that was a terrible metaphor!
Everypony's head turned towards her, including miss psychotic. "Whatever happened, we may as chill out and wait for something to happen." Rainbow grunted and sat down. "Calm down, for bucks sake."
Huh. Logic from Rainbow Dash. Go figure.
Her extremely short and simple speech snapped Twilight out of her miniature psychotic breakdown. "Alright... I can calm down..."
It was then that Pinkie slowly raised her head from its resting place in the crook of my neck. "What's going on? Why's everypony yelling?" I'd like to know the answer too, Pinkie. I mean, its not like they had a badger dropped on their head or something like that. You call yourself pissed off until you have experienced something like that.
"It's nothing, Pinkie. You can go back to, uh... hugging Sunny."
And she did.
* * * * *
A/N: Well, this is the shortest chapter yet. I feel really bad about not making it longer, but I fell out of the groove when I got lazy and didn't write anything for more than a month. Or was it two months...? If I can't remember, it isn't a good sign. Either way, I FINALLY got something done.
I don't feel very satisfied with this chapter at all. I didn't get much idiotic humor in, and my serious writing still hasn't improved at all. Hopefully I can improve if I start writing on this regularly again. If I fall into the groove again, then everything should work out fine. If not, were skrewed.