The Times They Are A Changeling (Mixed, Massed, and Bashed)
Dear Princess Twilight,
You are a fucking bitch! Ever since I made friends with Trixie you've been swamping me with so much paperwork.... Wait I mean "friendship assignments" that I haven't gone outside for a very long time! Because of you, princess, I've missed the chance to see Rarity panicking over starting her new boutique, watch ponies play bumper cars in the Applewood Derby and participate in an elaborate zompony prank on Rainbow Dash. Seriously, when was the last time I've seen sunli- AHHHH.... the light.... it burns.... So now you have the balls to decide in tagging me along to the Crystal Meth Empire? Screw your entire existence for wasting my entire Celestia-damn life! And what in equality was that cheap tailored getup Fax Machine was wearing? Where did he even get that? From the thrift shop down the road?
Since I'm going to the Crystal Empire I guess I should try to convince my boyfriend old friend Sunburst to move there. I'm absolutely fed up with your shit! How your friends have tolerated you all this time is beyond me... Arriving at the Empire, we end up finding it more deserted and dusty than your underused marehood. What's stranger was that the crystal ponies were avoiding the "brave and glorious" Fax Machine for once. Maybe they finally realized that dragons pose an actual threat to the CRYSTAL Empire? Soon we found out that there was a changeling spy discovered around here. So? Why can't Shining Armour and Cadence just have sex and fire that love shield and send that spy to kingdom come? You would surely want help out with that. Desperate slut! And let's get real here. A protection spell on Princess McFlurry Heart? Really? Just release all those magic restrictions on her and that changeling will ever regret coming here. That baby's a walking juggernaut!! She'll mind crush that changeling's pea-brain with just a ghostly wail!!! With all this commotion happening Fax Machine decides to give himself a clawjob on his own ego and help the guards search for the changeling. Is he for real? Those worthless guards are so one dimensional that they won't be able to find a changeling even if it's sitting right in front of them! It won't even do any good to have him tag along. Meanwhile, I'm stuck wandering around the castle. Why do castles always have to be bigger on the inside? And those broom closets. Those shitty-ass broom closets!!! There're everywhere!!! I'm getting very annoyed by them as every time I entered each broom closet, an annoying voice starts saying "Oh did you want the broom closet ending?"
The worst part of the day was when I finally got to talk to Sunburst. He said no to me moving here cause he's too busy babysitting? Bullshit! Does he not think I'm sexy enough to stay with him? I'm insulted. Once you go equal you'll never go back. Hours later of moping, those dimwitted guards came back and what a surprise! They didn't find the changeling. And then I find out Fax Machine is pen-pals with a pony named Crystal Hoof? Hate to say it buddy but Crystal Hoof probably mooching off the love and affection Fax Machine gets from the crystal ponies just to get a spot in the royal guard. Though honestly, the royal guard will need all the help they can get...
Ahhh a changeling!! Kill it with fire!!! Incinerate it or something!?! Guards!! Arrest the changeli-
Oh no.... Cover your ears!!! Fax Machine is singing!!!
And just like that, one song ballad later, everypony suddenly decides to like this changeling??? You ponies are crazy!!! If singing can cause that much mind control why didn't my song brainwash the Mane 6 to equality way back in my town??? It's times like this I wonder why don't I go back in time to prevent myself from ever meeting you. And what do I learn today? A changeling is more likable than you, Twilight Sparkle. Now you tell me what does that imply?
Your pissed off student,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Thorax,
So... Your kind can change into inanimate objects... Hmmm.... The possibilities...
Willing to experiment,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Thorax,
Consider yourself disowned by me.
By royal decree,
Queen Chrysalis
Dear Queen Chrysalis,
Want me to tell them where you've been hiding all this time? Ya... I thought so... Ponies rule!!!
The defiant changeling,Thorax Crystal Hoof
Dear Thorax,
Hey bro wanna hang out?
Your relative,
Kevin The Changeling
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Really miles...... Really?????
7601467
That comic strip: Just a reminder that, by survival necessity, all Changelings are pansexual. Oh the clop possibilities...
Wow, Starlight's just as salty as her teacher.
7601832 Glad you enjoyed it. I wonder... did you spot all the pop culture references?
I spy with my little eye references to Danny Phantom and the Stanley Parable.
Thorax, run. Run as far away as possible.
Missing commas.
Missing comma and Sunburst already lives in the Crystal Empire. He has a crystal house that has a wizard hat as a roof and everything.
Missing "to".
These words should change places.
Missing comma.
"Hours of moping later".
Missing comma.
These words should change places.
This comment was kind of long and I have a feeling it will be deleted anyway, so I will end it now and do my reply in a separate comment.
~KBO.
Dear Starlight,
Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's marehood is not deserted, dusty, nor is it underused. I will have you know that my Mistress fondles and strokes her marehood three or four times a day. And double that on Sundays. In fact, she has been the innovator and pioneer of several methods of self gratification. She is so good at it, I have to spend hours everyday cleaning liters of mare juice out of several rooms of the castle. Which is not at all exhausting or humiliating.
Signed Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's loyal slave and mare juice sponge,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.
Starlight, you seem upset.
Have to admit, Starlight being a bitch is nowhere near as fun as Twilight being a bitch.
Dear Queen Chrysalis,
I can't believe it, the sob story routine actually worked! Just a little 'I think the Queen is evil, too' and a tearjerker about only wanting a friend and these ponies are eating right out of my hoof!
Your double agent,
Thorax
P.S. They actually believed me when I said we are all born en-mass like ants; wow, ponies are dumb.
Why do you think they go to the Crystal Meth Empire all the time?
The last time they did that Flurry Heart was born. Do you want another one of those things?
No, I wanted the ending where the Reapers are destroyed but the geth live. I believe it's the Yellow Ending?
That's a low bar.
I've always been under the assumption that 'Lings eat food and use love for magic. Because 'Lings have bodies made of organic matter...It's not creative, but it makes sense. And fuck DHX. They had so much potential with this episode, his backstory could have been it's own miniseries, and they could have ripped this episode off from a mediocre fanfic on this site from Autumn 2012.
Ow, did you see the Broom Closet Ending? The Broom Closet Ending was my fayvorite!