Well this is my first story for MLP so go easy on me please, but right now I'm bringing Nastu and Laxus to Equestria. Though there's a little change to it because I felt I should make a story of it, so Nastu is a girl being named Naru and is younger sister to Laxus for them being both dragons, but they could be humans in disguise. Okay so right now this story is about when Laxus and Naru went on an S rank job which they need to defeat a strong like demon monster, but upon their battle with this monster a huge white explosion comes out from nowhere which sending Naru, Laxus and the monster to Equestria. So what will happen to Naru and Laxus hmm?
Chapters (3)
I always hate being a downer comment on someone's first story...but here goes:
1) I understand that you are the author and that this is your work. However, I feel the need to say that, at least for me, when someone tries a crossover and rewrites characters from one universe to fit the idea of their story...it's rather hard to overlook that. Right away I felt friction trying to get through the chapter, with the way you wrote the Fairy Tail characters.
2) The ponies themselves seem a bit off in their interactions.
3) Portions seem somewhat rushed. For example, the whole scene where they were catching up after two years.
4) Lack of commas.
700261Ah okay I understand
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708251Does that mean good or bad?
708668
Bad, unfortunately.
Here is my generic rules list for HiEs:
1. Self-inserts. Just don't do it. Trust me.
2. A manticore is so over used, I feel insulted whenever one makes an appearance. Bonus anger if once shows up in the first fuckin' chapter.
3. Try to skim over the awkward meet n' greet scene that all these stories have. No one wants to hear about how bad our world is for 7 paragraphs.
4. Don't have a mane 6 instantly fall for your character or if you do, give them a fucking reason.
5. "Is that grass?" Fuck. No.
6. Cell phone. Again, fuck no.
7. "I am going to save the world!" bonus anger if the MC has magical powers that he pulls out of his ass.
8. "I instantly love this world and would never hurt a fly in it." This makes me want to cough up blood.
9. "I will adopt Scootaloo." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
10. A mary sue. There is a special place in Hell for authors that make these.
11. Spelling. You don't want to sound like an idiot to your readers.
12. Grammar. Refer to rule 11.
13. Format your story properly.
and number fucking 14. If you commit this, I will hunt you down and send a .44 through your head.
14. Brony in Equestria. 'Nuff said.
These are just my basic rules to get you started. Have fun and write something great.
It doesn't matter if you guys say things good or bad about my stories I'll take them to the heart in a good way, so I can make them better just give me a few or more pointers to make it better okay and thank you for reading it.
708687I understand I'll keep that in mind and I might make a few changes with the first chapter anyway because I just wanted to see how it goes so now I fully understand though.
Can we talk at facebook? Just type my name... you wont miss it.
709592Okay
708687
A bit harsh dude, BUT I can see where you're coming from. Having read multiple stories where they violate your rules, I can say the same thing. I'm also on my first story, but I'm trying to learn from the other stories so as to not commit the same mistake. And, as much i don't want to advertise, would you kindly read my story so as I can get an honest review? I need to know if I screwed something up and What I should fix because I feel that I've done a moderate job. Also, Thanks Double d for the Fav. Warms mah heart to see someone like something i created
753474Okay haha
753474
I'll give it a shot. Just don't cry if I don't like it. My opinion isn't worth two flyin' fucks anyway.
754024Hahaha
Hmmm... This has potential, but this is in need of a serious edit. If you want idea's how to format your story correctly read my story (No I'm not advertising) or look at other people's stories. It can probably help. But one thing that is a big "NNNNNNOOOO" to me is Natsu being a girl. I've always known him being the stupid over excited fire dragon slayer he is. (P.S. yes I have not read the rest of this story lol)