A published, rookie author with a love of ponies.
Be warned, my fics tend to be nucking futz.
5w, 3dUpdates on a non-MLP project you guys might like 12 comments · 30 views
11w, 5dSo, you know that job I was trying to get to improve my situation? 12 comments · 74 views
12w, 1dSituation update. status: Not good 9 comments · 106 views
15w, 4dI'M BACK! 4 comments · 61 views
18w, 1dSituation with FNTK 9 comments · 85 views
19w, 1dI'm gonna need all the help I can get[not MLP related] 2 comments · 42 views
22w, 6dA shameless plug for a friend 0 comments · 36 views
27w, 3dAn end to the Rebirth 2 comments · 65 views
27w, 3dFurther Updates 0 comments · 22 views
27w, 4dChapter 11: Up and running! 0 comments · 24 views
It always seems to calm my nerves.
Just tapping away at stone, waiting to see what's hidden beneath the earth.
Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.
I should be thankful that I'm still alive, that I have such great friends, and that I married the woman of my dreams.
Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tap.
"Huh?" My meditation is broken by a tap to the shoulder, my pickaxe dropping to the ground in surprise.
"Bossman! Parade starting, we gots ta move!" A familiar voice whispers. Rover, once a moron of a slaver, now a trusted companion and leader of my honor guard. It's shocking what can happen after so many years.
For those wondering, my full name and title is High-General Knightmare Demonbane, Prince of Equestria, and Knight of the Realm.
Not even a decade ago, my name was Theodore, or simply 'Ted'...
Time changes a lot, doesn't it?
Regardless, I stand tall, giving the battle-worn diamond dog a quick nod, shake his arcanite combat prosthetic and take the lead towards the zipper elevator. We both hop onto the trigger plate and the complex device launches us skyward, up through the thousand foot deep ravine in a flash, flying right into the air.
With timing born of way too much trial and error, the trap doors in the street pop open a split second before we reach them, and close immediately after we pass, granting us a solid landing spot. And right on time.
The parade had just finished their earlier song, lead by Warmaster Belgarion. The human-turned-NecroLord was almost joyously hopping about to the song, twirling his longshot pistols with revelrous glee, even as the heroes of this world followed along, some, such as the ever-joyous Pinkie Pie or the lovable-but-no-longer-nervous Fluttershy sang along. Though it seemed even a new eye patch couldn't get Rarity to be less prissy...you gotta respect that level of decorum. Applejack is still Applejack, Rainbow Dash is still working with Firefly and Zeta, their normally deadly Speed Barrier attack weaving together to make a beautiful impromptu fireworks display. And Twilight...is still Twilight, holding her rebuilt staff, The Mace of Zeus, high into the air, leading the procession of heroes calmly and with pride.
And now, here's my turn...and my song.
"LET'S DO THIS!" I shout, getting their attention, my wings buzzing to the beat.
The eagle born to those who pledged their lives and sacred honor was smiled upon by God and freed from chains and iron collar. He is held aloft on unity and by history revered; for preserving peace through strength his wings now reach across two hundred years. But for each of those and one year more, God has smiled upon The Corps, from the Barbary Coast to the Eastern Sand, by sword, by gun, or by bare hand. So it's been, and shall be weighed: though many are born, few are "made". Faithful Always, they shall remain, dogs to loose when war is waged.
The prologue lead to many ponies and Chess Pieces joining in, building to an intense crescendo, leading to the real song.
I am a Marine on the beach, I'm a killin’ machine, with a need to bleed you when the light goes green, best believe, I’m in a zone to be, from my Yin to my Yang to my Yang Tze. Put a grin on my chin, come to me, ‘cuz I’ll win, I’m one-of-a-kind and I’ll bring death to the place you’re about to be: another river of blood runnin’ under my feet. Forged in a fire lit long ago, stand next to me, you’ll never stand alone. I’m last to leave, but the first to go, Hard Corps is the only way I know. I feed on the fear of the devil inside of the enemy faces in my sights: aim with the eye, shoot with the mind, kill with a heart like arctic ice
To this day, I still can't get over how easy it is to choreograph these things out of bloody NOWHERE. Everyone falls in step perfectly, twirling their weapons of war while marching forward with a skip in their step.
Omnius: I am a Devil-Dog I’m marching on,
Everypony: I am a Devil-Dog I’m marching on,
Marty Stu: I am a warrior and this is my song
Everypony: I am a warrior and this is my song
I bask in the glow of the rising war, lay waste to the ground of an enemy shore, wade through the blood spilled on the floor, and if another one stands I’ll kill some more. Bullet in the breech and a fire in me, like a cigarette thrown to gasoline, if death don’t bring you fear then death ain't brought by no Marine. Come to the nightmare, come to me, deep down in the dark where the devil be, in the maw with the jaws and the razor teeth, where the brimstone burns and the angel weeps. Call to the gods if I cross your path and my silhouette hangs like a body bag; hope is a moment now long past, the shadow of death is the one I cast.
I must say, Rarity is VERY menacing with that whip of hers, and dangerous! She nearly took my head off!
I am a Devil-Dog I’m marching on,
I am a warrior and this is my song
Hell has no demon I won't overcome,
Celt: I CANNOT HEAR YOU!
I am a warrior and this is my song
Cutler: For more than two hundred years, this corps has done two things for this great nation!
Twigleaf: We make Marines! And We Win BATTLES!
Knightmare: Never forget that! You're first Marines! And not all the demons in hell can overrun YOU!
Now I live lean and I mean to inflict the grief, and the least of me's still out of your reach. The killing machine’s gonna do the deed, until the river runs dry and my last breath leaves. Chin in the air with a head held high, I’ll stand in the path of the enemy line. Feel no fear, know my pride: for God and Country I’ll end your life.
I am a Devil-Dog, I’m marching on,
I am a warrior and this is my song
Echo throws his fist into the air, breaking out The Horns
Hell has no demon I won't overcome,
I am a warrior and this is my song
Aoi twirls his twin katanas, the magical blades kicking up a small cyclone
I made the devil himself turn and run,
I am a warrior and this is my song
Adam, the ancient Iron Golem stomps his foot, causing the lighter parading heroes to hop into the air.
Into the fire I will keep marchin' on,
Oorah, Marine Corps, Get Some...
We all stand and pose, triumphantly. Why? Because fuck yeah, that's why!
A crack in the air almost got me worried. At least, until I recognized it as the sound of the Possibility's cloaking shield shutting off.
Almost instantly the sky was filled with airships that we could have sworn weren't there before. Some were easily recognized, but four stood out with utter ease.
Leading the pack was The Ragnarok, my own airship, the black hardwood ancient light-destroyer likely piloted by my first mate and trusted friend, Octavia Philharmonica-Scratch. I could even see the grey earth-pony standing proudly on the prow of the ship, playing her cello as she commands the changeling/flutterpony crew to lead the small yet deadly warship through the sky.
Off to its left was a clockwork ball of rust, the small gasbag-style airship much faster than it looked, The Scourge was still piloted by a certain mad genius known only as Ivan. The human-turned-zebra most likely puffing a cigar whilst his all girl crew worked to keep the hand-me-down warship from accidentally scuttling itself.
To the right was what looked like a normal ship. The Black Tide was kept aloft not by propellers or a gas bag, but purely on blackened wisps of aether, throttling forward on oar-wheels and an angry red flame. Posing on the prow, likely competing with Octavia, was a mare that was far too stubborn to let something as miniscule as death keep her from this epic-scale victory party. Dame Trixie Lulamoon of the New Dominion, AKA 'Trixie the Unkillable'.
And last but not least, the biggest and most beautiful airship of them all, captained by one I dare may call a friend and one of the MEANEST birds you'll ever meet. The Hate-Seed himself, Lord-Captain Griffin North, King of the New Dominion.
"TAKE IT AWAY, GRIFFIN!" I shouted, knowing he heard me. ...yup, he heard me, works EVERY time.
Everypony: Shiver My Timbers, shiver My Soul
Yo Ho Heave Ho
There are men whose hearts as black as coal
Disarray: And they sailed their ship across the ocean blue
Derange: A Blood thirsty captain and a cut throat crew.
Drake: Its as dark a tale as was ever told
Of a lust for treasure and a love of gold...
Everypony: Shiver My Timbers, Shiver my sides
Yo Ho Heave Ho
There are hungers as strong as the winds and tides
Yo Ho Heave Ho
Changelings: And those buccaneers drowned there sins in rum,
Chrysalis: The devil himself would have to call em scum!!
Fudge: Every man on board would have killed his mate for a bag of
ginnys or a piece of eight,
Law: a piece of eight,
Donkey Kong: a piece of eight
Ticket: 5 6 7 8!
Thud: HULA WOKA HULA WOKA SOMETHING NOT RIGHT
MANY WICKED ICKY THINGS GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT
HULA WOKA HULA WOKA SAILOR MAN BEWARE
Jazz: When the money in the ground there's murder in the air,
Fudge: Murder in the air!
Thud: ONE MORE TIME NOW
Everypony: Shiver my timbers, Shiver my bones
Yo Ho Heave Ho
There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones
Yo Ho Heave Ho
Octavia & Vinyl Scratch: When the main sails set and the anchor's weighed
Ivan & Catastrophe: Theres no turning back from any course thats laid
Griffin: And when greed and villainy sail the sea,
you can bet your boots there'll be treachery HA HA HA!
Trixie: YAAAAAA YA YA YA AAAAAAAA YAAAAAAA
Everypony: Shiver my timbers, Shiver my sails
Dead men tell no tales!
In a style eerily familiar to the few of the chess pieces who had been to a certain vietnam war memorial, countless names were arranged on a slab of obsidian that seemed to reach up to the very heavens themselves, as if it could lead the poor souls back down to Equestria for a final goodbye. Faint dots of ponies at either side still searched for the names of their loved ones in endless sorrow. It was a monument with meaning, forged with everyone in mind.
Knightmare rubbed a hand against one of the flash-grown cherry blossoms, looking up at the massive tower of polished volcanic glass. A tear fell from his eye at the thought of how many named were on there, how many creatures, be they pony, changeling, griffin, diamond dog, minotaur, dragon, seapony, and a myriad of others. Some he knew all too well, others he wished he’d known better.
He let a faint smile form as he watched a certain alabaster mare approach, little white drakeling and a gossamer-winged unicorn foal riding on her back. He gave her a gentle hug and took the two children in his arms as the mare stood before the monument, facing the massive crowd with a mournful smile. The mare spread her wings, the ticking of the clockwork machinery the only unnatural thing of the fluid motions. She made sure her spread wings didn’t obscure the twelve statues, each one representing one of the many great heroes who barely survived the final battle.
“Greetings, citizens of New Canterlot.” She said, her voice regal yet loving. She was joined upon the impromptu stage by a horned human-woman with a bulging belly, and a dark blue mare built like herself, albeit without the machinery. “I thank you all for coming to this, the commemoration of The Dystopic Lance a monument to commemorate all those whose lives were lost by this twisted game of Gods. Since Discord’s release so many long, painful years ago, many lives have been lost, some innocent, some less so.” Her voice grew dark at those last words, her lip quivering, dreading her own anger.
“It was truly the darkest time we, as a whole, have experienced. More lives have been lost, in this day and age, than any other period of our world’s history. Our world was thrust to the very edge of oblivion, and we very nearly toppled over the edge. In those dark hours, I nearly thought that we had lost...countless lives lost. Ponies, dogs, bast, griffons, minotaurs, changelings...
“But in the same breath...it is because of them, that we stand here today. Everyone who gave their lives, their souls, to ensure that we would be able to stand united against the horror. No longer were we simply Equestrians, Avians, or any singular species. We were brought together, as one people, to face the challenge head on.
“And it is thanks to those who were forced here, who were alienated from the start, that we are able to stand here today. While the Gods may have been responsible for this folly, it is also by them that we were given our saviors.
“I speak, of course, of the Chess Pieces. Those who were chosen to fight in this infernal war, but chose instead to guide us. They didn’t just give us a chance to survive, they didn’t just show us the wonders of what lies beyond our world...They brought us the most valued treasures of all. They brought us love. Courage. Redemption. And, perhaps most importantly of all...
“They brought us hope.”
The Solar Princess smiled, wiping a tear from her eyes. “And it is with that hope that today, we no longer live in fear of tomorrow, nor if tomorrow will even come. Today, this January sixth, would have been the day we held the latest Grand Galloping Gala. But I propose we try a little something from the home of the Chess Pieces. From this day forth, January Sixth will be known as....” She grinned at Knightmare, who pulled out his guitar from seemingly nowhere and played a sharp riff.
Leave your looms and milking stools,
Coop the hens and pen the mules
Come one, come all
Close the churches and the schools
It’s the day for breaking rules
Come and join the Feast of.....
Suddenly, one of them leaps forward, spinning a black, axe-like guitar in his holey hooves, the 'strings' a rainbow of lightning arcing across the spine. He takes the lead with a VERY distinctive voice.
Once a year we turn all Equis upside down!
He leaps up onto a lamppost, hanging upside down like a monkey.
Every man's a king, and every king's a clown!
He places a paper crown atop Cranky Doodle Donkey's head, and sticks a red rubber nose onto the face of Prince Blueblood.
Once again it's Topsy Turvy Day,
It's the day the devil in us gets released,
He pops up beside Luna, imitating a comical version of Nightmare Moon.
It's the day we mock the prig and shock the priest!
He makes a silly face at Blueblood, before using a shock buzzer on Clyde Pie.
Everything is Topsy Turvy at the Feast of Fools!
Everything is upsy-daisy!
He leaps upwards, once again hanging from a lamp-post, now joined by several other changelings, each one taking as silly a disguise as possible.
Everyone is acting crazy
Perfectly normal ponies begin chanting along and joining in the silliness with intensive glee, including Luna, who's begun dancing...upside down on the awning of the Royal Chariot.
Dross is gold and weeds are a bouquet
He pays for a bouquet of weeds with some rusty scrap metal, and then offers them to Princess Celestia as if handing them to a first crush, and then flies high with a girlish squeal when she treats the weeds like fresh picked roses.
that's the way on Topsy Turvy Day
Beat the drums and blow the trumpets
Lyra leads the four military commanders of Equestria in an additional band, blaring out the music created by Miss Octavia and Miss Vinyl.
Join the bums and thieves and strumpets
Noble ponies dance and prance about dressed in the worst rags they can find, while Lord Fancypants and Lady Fleur chase each other, having stolen one-another's undergarments.
streaming in from Chartres to Calais
Scurvy knaves are extra scurvy
He shares a mug of fresh cider with the Apple family.
On the 6th of January
All because it's Topsy Turvy Day
Come one, come all
Hurry, hurry here's your chance,
He begins ushering ponies towards a large stage.
see the mystery and romance
He offers a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows to Twilight, hiding near Celestia.
Come one, come all
See the finest girl in Prance
Make an entrance to entrance
The changeling pulls his guitar from seemingly nowhere and twirls it over his head
Dance la Esmeralda.......
The changeling brings the body down like a blade, sending out a multicolored shockwave and sending himself flying skyward.
'Esmerelda' is, in truth, a changeling disguised as a green version of Trixie, much to the surprise of the real Trixie, watching from atop the legendary Black Tide. She pulls her old lover and friend, Khajiit, out of the audience and makes him join her sultry, seductive dance. The rather sexual dance gets almost all of the males, and a shocking chunk of the female population, VERY excited, though we shan't go into detail, to keep the rating safely 'Teen'.
Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for
Many of the 'back-up changelings' begin snickering, alongside many ponies, griffons, diamond dogs, dragons, and felines at the massive party.
Here it is, you know exactly what's in store
Celestia nudges Twilight gently, getting a giggle from the nervous unicorn.
Now's the time we laugh until our sides get sore
Many are now cheering with glee.
Now's the time we crown the King of Fools!!
"You all remember last year's king!?" A muscular Pegasus known by many names but, for now, shall be called 'Tarzan', is brought out, wearing a comically designed duplication of Princess Celestia's royal regalia is brought out by several rather buff female changelings, all five of them grinning.
So make a face that's horrible and frightening
He bares his teeth, shifting to a humanoid physique to become more unnerving.
Make a face as gruesome as a gargoyle's wing
He shifts one of his wings into a massive dragon wing, then spreading it out to show it's still covered in nasty-looking holes, making a few dragons shudder instinctively.
For the face that's ugliest will be the King of Fools
He keeps his face painfully distorted, almost as if second nature.
Ugly folk, forget your shyness
Many ponies, dragons, gryphons, diamond dogs, and a few other, unfamiliar critters practically leap onto the stage.
You could soon be called "Your Highness"
Every last one is up there with a mask to hide their faces...except one. The tall, black creature looks like a near-perfect Chrysalis costume.
Put the foulest features on display
Be the king of Topsy Turvy Day
The crowd chants and cheers as masks are pulled off. Many of the faces are silly and rather disappointing...except the last one. She's not wearing a mask...
"CHRYSALIS!" Celestia shouts, her shout of shock and surprise nearly sending the emaciated queen tumbling to the ground.
"OI OI OI!" The smaller, guitar-wielding changeling shouts, "Calm down, boss-lady! We wanted the ugliest face in Equestria, and here she is! The FORMER Queen Chrysalis!" Chrysalis, having not had a chance to really speak, barely lets out a peep before she's literally TOSSED into the crowd whom, riled up by the song, dance, and alcohol, gleefully body-surf her across them to her destination.
Once a year we throw a party, here in town
Tarzan removes the regalia and tosses it into the air just before getting tossed off of the wood throne, one of the changeling 'guards' asking him to meet her later.
Once a year we turn all Equis upside down
Celestia is frowning, but she's not reacting TOO badly....it HAS been three years.
Once a year the ugliest will wear a crown
Chrysalis winces at the title of 'ugliest face in Equestria', but accepts the shoddy regalia anyway, hoping to avoid pissing off the princess any further.
Once a year on Topsy Turvy Day
Now crowned, Chrysalis gulps, hoping this wasn't a bad idea, but the song continues anyway.
Hail to the king
The lead changeling twirls his guitar before playing a quick riff.
Oh, what a king
Chrysalis blushes at being treated like royalty again after so long being lonely.
Girls, give a kiss
The two mares are none other than Rarity and Fluttershy, both drunk, but the love they practically force-feed her is genuine.
We've never had a king like this
The lead changeling leaps high, joined by Rainbow Dash to create a beautiful show of rainbow light and arcing lightning for the occasion.
And it’s the day we do the things that we deplore
Chrysalis meets eyes with Celestia, whom has calmed and is smiling.
On the other three hundred and sixty-four
Once a year we love to drop in, where the beer is never stoppin’
Creatures of all kinds are laughing and sharing in seemingly endless cider.
For the chance to pop some popinjay
Celestia and Luna share some popcorn with Twilight.
And pick a king who'll put the top in Topsy Turvy Day
Chrysalis is hopped off of the throne onto a pedestal, basking in the cheers from her former foes, once broken and defeated; she finally feels what REAL kindness is like.
Mad and crazy, upsy-daisy, Topsy Turvy Day!
Running steps. It was a wonderful wonderful thing to be able to run. Street lights blurred by-
Wait wait, let’s back up a bit. It’d be a good idea to tell you all what’s going on, wouldn’t it? I think I’ll do that.
My name’s Theodore Wilkins, and I’m an incredibly handsome incredibly hard to kill annoying little bug a human that’s been turned into a Changeling for an interdimensional chess game between a ton of gods and goddesses, all of whom have the power to squash me like, well, a bug.
...That explanation did nothing at all, did it?
Yeah, pretty much.
OK! Basic facts. Okay, Twi, you can stop POKING ME! Now, where was I? Alright, My name is Theodore Wilkins, and I was selected by Princess Celestia to join in what’s now known as The Chessgame of the Gods...though it’s more like epic-scale Risk. Apparently Discord wanted it to sound “refined”...I call bullshit on that, but whatever.
So, yeah, basically I was one of more than a thousand humans and near-humans dragged from our less-than-perfect, often downright unpleasant, lives here on Earth to the paradise of Equestria.
Sadly, the “paradise” part only means Equestria. The rest of the world was often as bad, if not WORSE than Earth in many ways.
Right now, the ‘Game’ is over, and there’s barely a hundred of us left, if that. Most of those still alive have lost their minds, and those who haven’t are still stuck in therapy...YES GRIFFIN, I CAN HEAR YOU! No the recorder spell WON’T pick up what you say...I HEARD THAT! OW! Okay, Okay, calm down, Twilight. I’m sorry. You know how I get when I’m being teased...Yes, I KNOW he doesn’t mean anything by it anymore, but still...OK, fine, I’ll keep going...yeesh.
Okay, so what this...thing is gonna be, is basically my memories. Occasionally with footnotes to point out when I’m spewing bullshit, or simply wrong. Sit back, relax, and buckle your seatbelts, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Also, would the owner of a white station wag- OKAY TWILIGHT, I GET IT!
“GET BACK HERE YOU TWO ASSHOLES!” I screamed. Okay, sorry, I like the whole ‘In media res’ thingy...Erm, let me explain. Before ‘The Game’, I was known as Agent Theodore ‘Unkillable Ted’ Wilkins, working for what’s known as ‘The SCP foundation’. Basically a paramilitary collaboration of mad scientists making use of their scientifically-geared brand of sadism to keep something resembling normalcy for the rest of the Earth. They’re the reason why there’s no monsters hiding under the bed. Because if they find one, they like to dissect it. Yeah...
So, it was a basic situation. There’d been a break in at Site 19, where we house some of our more dangerous ‘specimens’, including, but not limited to: a real-working toy thermonuclear warhead (with REAL explosions), a chocolate fountain that creates chocolate bugs that eat ANYTHING nearby to make more chocolate, and a guy named Jehovah. No I don’t think he’s THAT Jehovah but the guy makes a convincing argument. So, yeah. Two thieves just broke the fuck into the place like it was nothing. Keep in mind that even the entire US Military is unwilling to try and bust in here. And guess who winds up with the ‘luck’ to be sent after the fleeing thieves?
Yup. Yours truly.
Imagine my shock when I find out the ‘thieves’ are a goddamned talking zebra, and his gryphon girlfriend, fleeing with an almost literal metric FUCKTON of dangerous SCPs, including more Tele-kill alloy than I care to imagine.
Contrary to popular belief, I can be killed. I just tend to have a lot of ‘bad luck’ with the whole ‘dying’ thing. I’ll explain later, suffice to say, if they want to they probably CAN kill me.
No, not the gryphon and the zebra.
My BOSS, the dreaded ‘Doctor’ Alto Cleff and his buddies.
“Sorry Teddy! Got places to go!”
“Oh goddammit! Just gimme the shit back and we’ll call it even, OKAY!?” I kept chasing them. Yeah, I’mma stop with the whole explanation thing because trust me, I’ll finish explaining it all LATER. Just...seriously, these guys are FASTER THAN THEY LOOK!
The gryphon had the audacity to turn around and blow a raspberry at me.
“OK now that was just RUDE!” No, seriously. After all these years, I’ve learned one important fact: Cata’s a bitch. And she’s even WORSE if she LIKES you... Scary thought, isn’t it? Now think, for a brief moment, what she puts poor Ivan through.
I’ll let those nightmares sink in for a bit.
“Old man! You aren’t catching up to us!” There was another jeer.
“FUCK you, bitch! I’m SIXTY! What the fuck do you EXPECT!?” Have I mentioned that? I was actually over sixty-five years old back then. Even older now, but...well, sixty is ‘young’ for a changeling....
“If we ever meet again, I swear I’ll give you something back!” Ivan tried, his hooves smacking against the tile. “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR LOCKING US UP!”
“What the HELL are you two talking about!?” I screamed, gasping for air as my ability to run and chase dwindled away to nothing. For fuck’s sake, people, I chased these two all the way to the nearest city...Also, Site 19 is in a goddamned mountain range. Think about that for a second!
A door slammed open and both ducked inside, their stolen collection of not-so-normal artifacts precariously stacked high and tilting to the side. “Time to go. Fuck you Teddy, and may we never meet again!”
I couldn’t stop in time and smacked my face into the slammed door.
“Ow....I’m a dead man walking, so I’ll see you in hell, damned zebra-thing.” Yes, I was bitter. I’m also not joking. Doc Clef will kill me, or at least try too with a distinct probability of success, when I get back. Assuming I don’t die of exhaustion before then....
There was a brilliant flash and a decent part of the door disappeared. “So long...”
OK, I’m gonna kill your vibes by jumping to the next day. I’d spent pretty much the entire damned night getting creamed by Clef, with SEVERAL attempts by Tim to put a bullet in my head, literally. Apparently the reaper doesn’t like me, because either the shots went wide or didn’t fire at all, and when he tried to just crack my skull open with the fucking gun, it slipped out of his hands and broke a window.
Toldja I was hard to kill. Didn’t mean I wasn’t scared pissless. Trust me, death would be an IMPROVEMENT over working for this maniac.
Not five seconds later and we get a blue alert. That means an uncategorized SCP has contacted us.
Yeah, they’ve got plans prepared for weirder shit than that.
The gist of the message was ‘I need a champion, someone pure of heart, a kind soul, and really hard to kill’. Along with an address for a cafe in town.
Guess who got sent there?
If you guessed Doc Clef, you’re clearly braindead. OW!...I thought it was funny...
Okay. Cafe. Here I am, out of uniform, with my only remaining personal possession, an old broken guitar with no strings. About to enter a cafe with a SCP of unknown origin or purpose. Possibly walking to my doom.
Yup, sounds like a pretty normal mission for a low-ranking agent.
I’m gonna die.... I thought, shivering slightly before I entered.
I looked around for anyone ‘out of the ordinary’. I found one in a gal with pastel-colored hair, wearing a white leather biker jacket, sitting in the back and sipping from a bigass bottle of rum and bourbon. How did I know this? Because there was an empty bottle of rum and an empty bottle of bourbon on the table, and she’s drinking from a bottle big enough to fit the contents of both. Ergo, she probably mixed them.
Or she really, REALLY wants to get drunk, and is on her third bottle of hard liquor.
I bet you can’t guess who she is!
If you guessed everyone’s favorite solar princess, you’re correct! Sadly, I didn’t know this at the time.
“Okay, so how the hell did Clef arrange for a babe like you to kill me?” The woman spits out her alcohol into my face and gawks at me. Apparently not expecting an introduction from her ‘champion’...Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know about The Game at the time? For crying out loud, man! I just met the gal.
“Ahem,” she said, before dabbing her lips with a napkin, then cleaning my deadpanned face off. “I don’t know where you got the idea that this ‘Clef’ character sent me as an assassin, but if he did send you, then I think you could help me...And don’t worry, I have neither intention, nor desire, to kill you. Quite the opposite in fact. It’d be best if you lived as long as possible.” She seemed rather sober and businesslike for someone who was just guzzling the hard stuff.
“What do you need me for, and what’s the catch?”
“What I need you for, is to be my champion in a very BIG game of chess. As for ‘the catch’? You’re a piece. I’m the player.”
“Okay, and where, pray tell, is this ‘game’ taking place?”
:”In my home world. One I think you’re familiar with.”
“OH! So close and yet so far...”
“Sorry, no monkey-tailed aliens where I come from.”
“BINGBINGBING! We have a WINNER!”
“Okay, I’m gonna call bullshit right here, right now. Seriously? Equestria? I get the whole ‘multiverse’ theory, but are you seriously telling me that YOU, a human, are from EQUESTRIA, and you want ME to be your PAWN in a GAME!?
“Technically, you’re a piece, not a pawn. Don’t ask, Discord’s the one who picked the terms and we both know how much he LOVES making no sense. And as for me being human...weeellll...”
“...Ohmycelestiayou’rechrysalis!” Old people are dense, aren’t we?
The woman looked at her bottle, then handed (hoofed?) it to me. “Looks like you need this more than I do,” she said, before pointing it at the sun...and PUSHING the sun down into a beautiful sunset....
“Wrong again, sweetheart. I’m not Twilight. I’m Celestia.”
“I...I...I refuse to comment on that, lest it result in me becoming a pile of ashes.”
“Smart move,” the mare in a mortal body said, giggling playfully. I couldn’t tell if she was serious or just kidding. I know how dumb this sounds but, as much as I love Celestia...she SCARES me. Think about it. All that power, practically immortal...and yet she STILL is willing to ‘get close’...to her subjects, I mean. I...you know what I mean. She’s a goddamned goddess that gave up sheer power for being closer to mere mortals. Ya gotta respect that dedication to being a good role model.
“Alright,” I finally say, after getting my head back on straight. “I’ll do it...on ONE condition...”
She perks up. “Oh? And what would this ‘one condition’ be?”
“When it’s all over...if I survive this ‘game’....Can I...may I please stay in Equestria?” OK, I’ll say this right now. I was literally a millimeter away from breaking down in tears. I’ve forgotten almost all of my life because of the Foundation. Do you know what they do to ‘rookies’ like me? They ERASE YOUR BRAIN! I know NOTHING about my life from before I joined them. I don’t even know WHY I joined them! All I can remember is the shit they’ve forced me to do, and the shit they’ve done to me to make me comply. Memories of ‘My Little Pony’ are the only BRIGHT point in my life...at least...that I can remember.
The sun princess taps her chin, making a big show of ‘thinking it over’. Within moments, she smiled back. “We have a deal,” she says, reaching out her hand to shake. I take it almost instantly and we shake on it, sealing the deal permanently.
“You seem to have some issues with your memory. And I don’t exactly need you there immediately. So for one year I’m going to have you in sort of ‘magic stasis’, to let you rest and prepare for the challenges ahead. I’ve had my sister construct a ‘Dream World’ for you to train and prepare in. Use it wisely.”
My vision blacks out for a brief moment. I feel around, hearing running water and feeling soft grass below me. I open my eyes to see...everything in a weird, faceted vision with a red glaze over everything. And up above my head is...an island!?
“What the hell!?” I hop to my feet...and fall forward onto chitinous hooves, scrambling to see everything. I'm standing atop a small island with a small pond, a tiny waterfall flowing down into an endless void of nothingness, and all around me are THOUSANDS of tiny islands, each one more strange and bizarre than before...
“WHAT THE HELL, BRO-LESTIA!? THIS ISN’T EQUESTRIA!”
Author's Note: OK, I'm so sorry for how long this took. I'll be honest, for a long-as-fuck whitle I was considering throiwng FNTK down the drain entirely.... But thanks to the efforts of 7-4 and Nathan Traveler[whom will likey post comments almsot immediately] the prologue of the re-write of From Nobody to Knightmare is not only complete, but UP!
And, hopefully, future chapters will follow.
Also, upping the rating to mature because I can assure you things aren't as easy as before.