I just started thinking of writing something like this, then I see this. Somewhat FML, but not a lot.

Good story, though.

Second post. Bleh. Gunna read this now.

I see you got Aurora's help. That's definitely a good sign.

POST-READ: Gahhh! Why must it end like this? I had hope and you crushed it!

Good story, though.

PR EDIT: Also.... Scootaloo's orange, not brown. Please fix.

>>705523705523

It was on the list of stories. I read it, commented, and left. When I came back it was gone. Wonder why?

Guess i was lucky enough to see it. Glad I did. Love it.

GAH! There's a reason that I hate grimdark, and this is one of them. Sometimes the author goes in and gives the whole thing a sad ending. I was hoping that they would escape, but it looks like I was hoping for too much from this :P This is not a bad thing, it's a good thing.

I didn't recognize that filly was Scootaloo until you said her name D: why would you kill my favourite CMC :'(

This is very very very well written, an appropriate sequel for Rainbow Factory. If I was into grimdark, I'd be happy, since I am not, I'm sad :P

hmmm this is actualy a good story i guess

eh...i kinda liked it jk i loved it

want to read my story man

Alright, so here's my legit review of this story:

This fanfiction is extremely well written, containing many literary elements, as well as an extra layer of reading that, for advanced readers who think as well as read, are able to enjoy. Within the story are many sort of... "lessons" of information on one's mind when they are exposed to extreme situations, like the situation that is put forward by the rainbow factory.

There was a study done in the real world about brutality of guards while supervising subordinates under similar conditions in the rainbow factory, and, possibly knowingly or possibly subconciously, you expressed that. The study showed that when put into a position of authority, the previously "normal" people would end up becoming violent, and abusing their subordinates, and their co-workers. This is expressed in this story very well, as the main character grows into the shoes of the brutality of those working for the factory, and not as the slave workers. It also explores the corners of the main character's mind, the process that he goes through when he witnesses events. The fact that when he started at the very bottom of the corporate ladder of the factory, being beaten and beating on others, and grew into the culture that was pain and suffering was incredible! That he walked in as a normal pony, and after not that long in the factory, he held the overmare, the one who is the most brutal and violent in high regard. Stuff like this happens in real life, and it is very scary, and you made it very scary in this story.

Being pulled up to the top is part of the story, and it is very good. The more he expressed his violent self, the more regard he got from his idol, his superior, the overmare. He was getting dopamine injections from his brain through the violence, and thus spawns the monster that has enveloped seemingly every last part of who he is.

The reversal from what he was was very quick. What clicks his brain into saying "enough is enough"? Was it the overwhelming of violence? I cant see that because he seems to get off on violence, which was apparent during his first little while on the line, and as a supervisor for the line staff. Was it the dewinging or the rebellion that shattered his, and probably many other's spirits?

Putting in scoots was a good choice. It showed how far everyone had fallen, particularly Dash. All of us have Dash in high regard, on being a very egotistic energetic young mare. You really need to shatter the Dash that we all know and love from the show, and her hate for Scootaloo, and Scoot's ultimate death helped create that vision that Dash is legitimately, beyond saving. It burned me inside (Dash being my favourite no matter what) but its a fanfic, it's not real.

God please dont be real.

I enjoyed the fact that you downplayed the pure brutal gore, rather than the ideas behind the brutality. Cupcakes was based all around blood, gore, and forcing you to puke from visualization. This story takes a turn for the better, by forcing you to puke from the pure essence of the violence, and the motives behind it. This is a very thoughtful story, and people with a complex mind will get the full force of this story.

I love how you had the main character pass in and out of memories, and present time. It was easy to follow, and I knew where the narrative was taking place. It was a great element to include.

I absolutely adore the element that you put in at the end. The small filly that was the showboat of the main character's road to redemption, the chance that he has to escape, and redeem himself. Right at the end, when they are beginning to suffocate, when you expressed her name "Starlight" it hit right home. Such a lovely name, put into such a horrible place, helped create that contrast, and made the reader think "Goddamn... the actual pony world is so nice and happy, and it was just killed here".

I also adore the ending because you killed everything

Sad endings go with sad stories. This is a damn sad story, and it has a damn sad ending! It made me want to throw up out of the window of the car I was riding in when I was reading this.

This story is fantastic! The fact that I was feeling like puking throughout the whole time (whether from the heat or the story and heat combined) it presented the grimdark crowd with something to bask and warship more than cupcakes and the original rainbow factory. Great job!

Wow this is PHENOMENAL!! It has so many layers! So complex! This is definitely not your average fanfic!!

>>713645713645

I found the link on:

a youtube video

a ponysquare blog

a ponysquare status post (same person as the blog)

and a couple times in the IRC chat

I eventually gave in and decided to read it

dude the link's everywhere, but there's only like... 70 views! What the buck is going on!?! You should be way more famous by the amount of links that are being posted everywhere

Badassery in written form.

This was really excellent. It took my on an emotional ride along with the main character, and I love that. Good work.

I don't even know what to say, this is a masterpiece and I am glad to say "I read it". I somehow really like the whole Rainbow Factory world, it provides such a different view into the MLP:FIM universe (but of course, it is still all fiction). It is nice to read a dark, sad yet very serious story alongside all those happy-smile-sunshine fics I normally read.

Provides some variation :-D

"Starlight spa" - Wait a second, Spa? As in Sparkle?

Anyway, thanks for writing this, goes right into my favourites good sir. You have clearly outdone yourself.

I completely loved this story! I found out today you're the user of the same name on YouTube from the video. I really liked the few Rainbow Factory song references you hid in the test. KEEP IT UP!

Sorry, *text.

>>732194732194> Well Hay there!

I'm really glad you enjoyed the story!

And yes, I am the same guy who was spamming all those youtube pages with links

But it was for a good cause. Fimfic decided to hate me when I initially put it up, and it never appeared on the homepage

I had to manually draw in the crowd, so me and a friend spent the whole night networking!

~Syn3rgy

man I can't believe that you write this this well. I was sceptical about this but you came through in the end and I'm glad I read it. it's 11:30 pm and I want to re-read it! keep writing and readin'

>>732605732605 Oh nah I just thought that in your contribution to the universe of the Rainbow Factory, Twilight had a child called Starlight Sparkle xD

>>739861739861

((I am starlight sparkle xD ))

I realised AFTER I chose that name that it was so close to twilight's

Bad decision xD

A movie and game should be made based on the fanfics based on Blaze's songs, but episode 3 will never come out.

>>747789747789Was that Twilights child ?!?!?!WHY CELESTIA, WHY?!?!?!

Going through thoughts of fear, emotion and the sudden urge to cry manly tears at that ending.

It was brilliantly written and an incredible story and thank you.

But I have a request, is it OK if I do a dramatic reading of this and post it on youtube? I'd obviously put links in to this page and everything.

But still, this story was a work of writing art, a true testimony to the effects on a mind, the shattering effects of emotion and the overall snap of sanity, both in redemption and damnation.

Thanks again

>>763627763627 Defiantly.

As long as you leave a link to the page, it's all good.

So yes, please, go ahead!

~syn3rgy

PS: just tell me when its done, i'd love to drop in and see your work

Man, all this praise kinda makes me curious...

Must resist the urge to read... can't take the grimdarkz! xD

Wow that was really good. Makes the song much more touching. Normally I'd hate an ending like that- but that was brilliant. I hate grimdarks, but this was really good. Well done, friend. I only wish there was more. I was pissed when I finished it so quick.

you cant see it but i am clapping sir good show derpy agrees

no problem man...poor scootaloo shes coloring in pony heaven now

Add me to the list of people who are now frustrated because they were going to do this but you beat us to it

I enjoyed this fic, particularly the more backstory-ish first half. Seeing the character's evolution into a factory worker was great. However, the transition from the sections where he was actively killing the fillies into the ending section where he tried to save them gave very little reason for his mindset change. Just having him get upset about dewinging pegasi didn't really explain it enough for me. Also, I found a few of the action sequences to be a bit lacking. I did enjoy ending it in the now-classic Rainbow Factory style of almost-but-not-quite escaping. It seems there's no other way to end a Rainbow Factory fic.

>>784024784024 Yes, I had a feeling that there would be others trying to write this... that's why I worked my tail off so that I could get the story out five days after the actual song!

As for your feedback on the whole shifted mindset deal. I choose to leave it unexplained, so that the audience could determine the chain of events that lead up to his eventual change of heart, thus setting the mood of 'Physiological Grimdark'; as this was.

As for the action scenes, they are at the mercy of the readers. Some have said they are detailed enough, others have not. What I did do consciously however, was clearly write the gruesome climax (the whole de-winging scene), choosing then to make all other scenes a bit more blunt, and not so lavish with bloody detail!

Enywho, thanks for the feedback! I need more of your type commenting on my stories

~Syn3rgy

WOOO!

500 Views!

~Syn3rgy

Well done, although I had better hopes for the ending. (I'm actually considering writing my own Rainbow Factory sequel now...)

Anywho, I noticed some grammatical errors as I was reading, and I thought I would point them out:

1. 'access' blood and body parts? I think you mean 'excess'.

2. Pegasi = plural Pegasus (I've seen pegasi used in a singular sense numerous times)

3. "I remember wished bitterly" -- what?

4. "On seeing the departing pegasi’s the Overmare " -> "Upon seeing the departing pegasi, the Overmare"

5. "Landing neatly be the grinder at the top of the goliath machine" -> "Landing gracefully on the grinder at the top of the colossal machine"

Just some things I wrote down as I was reading. Again, great book, have a favorite, an upvote and a moustache.

Is anyone ever going to make a story in this series where they escape and at least have a shot of unveiling that twisted slaughterhouse of a factory?

>>786794786794 hmm, that's an interesting idea. I don't think i'd be the one to write it however, because I don't like staying on one project for very long.

Who knows, In good time, somepony will. Would you like to?

~Syn3rgy

I don't think I'm dark and descriptive enough to write something to keep up with the standards that you and the original author have made for these stories. Don't get me wrong though I think you did a fantastic job with this as well as the person who made the original. I am a writer as well but I can't make something as good as this, yet. No worries though. Knowing how popular and aweosme this is to certain people I'm sure no one will have to wait long for a threequel. Look at My Little Dashie for instants. They have made a four story series on that and evenypony still wants more. Good luck with all future stories you write.

I loved the story, beginning to end. If there was a sequel to the story, I'd probably love it to. But if the main character's friend is involved, I'd like that..

Dammit I should've known to search for this sooner. This was fantastic!

The occasional small grammatical errors didn't really bother me. The quality of the story and how excellently it explored the Rainbow Factory universe overshadowed that little downside completely. That combined with the 1 hour instrumental loop thing of Awoken that I quickly put together upon finding this gave me an amazing reading experience.

I rarely read fanfics but I'm extremely glad I gave this one a shot.

On the day I planned my reading my damn headphones snapped, need to wait a couple of days to get glue now.

It'll be done and hopefully I can live up to the prestige that you've created for the fic and yourself. I've read more than once now, and still it shocks me, it's brilliant.

Thanks again.

>>792084792084 Impacting, yes. If you ask me, you did a fantastic job in capturing the song's melody and overall flow in the form of a story to provide a powerful combined experience. I did the same with Rainbow Factory and its song counterpart when I first read it. It was more about straight horror as the little pegasi slowly approached their doom in terror, which fit the song. This however was more about exploring a suffering mind as a worker thinks about his past sins and wants to escape to live a normal life, which also fit its song.

Sort of light horror with deep thought. And I actually preferred this style tbh since you executed it so well.

And no, I mostly just like imagining the voices myself while reading to bgm. Mic's readings tend to be an exception though.

>>792753792753 Aight here we goooo *watch*

I had my hopes up and was actually FOULish to think that they would succed in escaping .Why did I expect this in a Grim-Dark?No clue.So sad , yet so satisfyingly well writen .I give you 5 out of 5 .My form of rating.

>>786794786794I have given the consideration of it , but alas I am not talented in the writting arts.

>>799146799146>>799146799146

No prob I know someone will make the next one.

Uh sorry you got the wrong impression with that. I meant that I know that eventually someone will make another one. I don't know who though.

Yesyesyesyesyes!

1000 views!

absolutely brilliant. i just love the song. now i also like the fanfic.

the background story at the beginning was SO AWESOME!

you should also make an alternate ending though, for those who cannot stand sad endings.

>>823750823750 Haha, yes, that notion of an alternate ending has been clearly expressed in my comment section.

However, I'm not one to stay too long on projects, and have already moved on. If you know enypony (or even yourself) that would like to write this 'alternate ending', get them to do it! I'd love to see what comes out of it. I'd even go to the extent of linking the story through this one, so that everypony who reads this and are left with similar feelings, can go to the alternate ending!

The reason I decided to leave the ending rather gloomy was because I wanted to keep the Grimdark theme the Rainbow Factory set- that being no hope in the end. Trust me... I really, really wanted it to end nicely!

~Syn3rgy

I just HAVE to read this. (Got an in my opinion good idea what to do with the song but I'll have to look if you had the same idea)

Well, in this cause I can also directly read your story. >>784173784173 I'm sorry but (I still didn't read it yet) if you didn't written the exact same thing I interpretedd out of the picture and the song than I will write an awoken fic to. But first I will read this

This is a fitting sequel to rainbow factory. Now we just need one where the factory gets destroyed.

>>827810827810

I could not agree with you more.

I finally got the chance to sit down and read this.

First off, it was great meeting you at BroNYCon, and I'm glad you told me to read this. I don't like grimdark at all, but this was indeed, very well written.

I easily got into it, and not once was there a spot during it that bored me. I also loved some things said in this like, "Life is a simple game." "And we have become the game masters." As well as, "It's not a matter of winning or losing Dash. It's a matter of spreading your wings and trying to fly." Very powerful sentences that just added to the story. Also, the ending was unexpected, but not a bad thing either. Great story overall!

>>824650824650

This story leaves off with a profound sense of hopelessness, UNTIL you realize that Rainbow Dash and her factory are basically SCREWED for the future.

Syn3rgy makes it clear that the fight killed most/all of her workers/guards, and she can't just hire new ones because the operation is highly illegal and immoral. Even if she somehow did manage to do this, it would be impossible for her to provide incentives that would overcome the psychological stress the jobs create. She cannot control them by lure or reward. Also, she would have great difficulty controlling the new workers with fear due to the small size of the remaining force there. That leaves out any chance of the Rainbow Factory restarting operations.

Also, due to the small size of remaining workers, the factory, even if it did manage to resume operation, would not be able to take in the plethora of pegasi failures it receives bi-annually. What if a rebellion stirs up? If Dash installs another fail-safe, she would have to make sure that it doesn't kill any pegasi, because only live ones can be used to make rainbows; if the pegasi die then there would be a distinct lack of rainbows and ponies would get suspicious.

The remaining force, waned by the rebellious Orchestrator's plan, would probably not even dare to take in another failed class due to the possibility of being crushed by another rebellion and having the failures escape and reveal the truth about the silent behemoth. Even if they manage to stop most, it would only take one lone pegasus to reveal the truth for everypony to see.

Furthermore and most importantly, it doesn't make it clear if Dash even survived. There is a chance that she had just enough energy to kill the two and died shortly after due to wounds sustained.

If she didn't survive then the Factory's hierarchy would most likely fall as most workers there would have minds like the Orchestrator's, but they were too timid to act upon them. With the lack of a strong, intimidating leader, the fear-based system would collapse and the workers would most likely come out and confess the Factory's wrongdoings. Even if another figure as fearsome as Dash arose and took control, he would face the same problems Dash would have to face had she survived, AND he would have to face the problem of ponies questioning his authority, something Dash wouldn't likely face due to her venerability in that position and her guru-like status to her subordinates.

The chances of the Rainbow Factory ever recovering are slim at best, probably impossible. Even if it did recover, it would still have a long way on the road to recovery due to a lacking workforce and a faulty hierarchy.

I can tell I'm a little behind the times with reading this story, but I'm glad and sad I did nonetheless.

Damnit... Don't you know anything? DOUBLE TAP.

>>885509885509 Haha,

double tap... I lolled, because it would of so worked.

Thanks for the comment, I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

~Syn3rgy

teen really? its not mature though. fimfiction needs a YA rating as for young adult for fics that are a bit more age recommended than others! other than that which you have no control over, good read!

ahh i expected a happy ending, but oh well. :<

great story though.

another one of my alltime favorites

good job

Read the entire thing with Awoken playing in the background... AMAZING

Seriously, this was a very well thought (Sequel?) story and am greatly pleased (don't take that the wrong way) at the ending.

Honestly I don't think the story would work with any sort of "happy" ending, just not the way it reads. and would completely shatter the feel of the story.

Also this wouldn't be the first time that a rebellion has happened so there are probably other security measures in place that don't get used much or widely known. Same as any High Risk / Top Security facility. After all RD states that she never had to use those doors before, never said anything about using everything else, and second most facilities would have a QRF = Quick Reaction Force, so saying all the guards and workers died seems a little outside plausible to some of the other comments posted, at most the shifts are stretched to accommodate a weaker staffing until such a time as further "hires" could be processed. As well that they probably have a list of replacement workers/ potential candidates already lined up. Either that or I work to much into the background setup of stories.

GOOD STORY.

I do not see a Derpy Pony.

I see Derpy, a pony.

I will eventually find out how to have a sig on Fimfiction.

I truly love that there was little focus on the gore aspect of most grimdark fics.  The only part that made me sick from visualization of the actual events was the de-winging.  But the rest tore at my mind, rather than my stomach.  And frankly, that's the kind of messed-up that I like best.  The stuff that makes me cry out of sadness rather than puke from disgust is, in my opinion, more difficult to write and overall better.

Starlight Sparkle? As in, the daughter of Twilight Sparkle? Oh, Rainbow Dash, you are in a lot of trouble now

Great story, I just wish there would'Ve been a happy ending

"Starlight," The frail voice replied "Starlight spa..." My face when:

Image: http://ewandoo.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/faces-blasted-by-air.jpg

>>14200341420034 Excellent! That was my intended response so everything worked out just fine!

And may I say that you did a great job on this story! Keep up the good work!

Man I love the songs but I hated the Rainbow Factory fan fic but I love this one. Great Job.

When I saw the title I just had to see it for the plain reason that it's based off of Woodentoaster.

Starlight Sparkle...OH SHIT SON!

>>15940631594063 Oh! Whos your friend?

This...is now, out of all the fics I've read so far, my favorite story on this site (which pretty much leaves this above everything but Fallout:Equestria, which I read elsewhere, but I haven't even finished Fallout: Equestria yet, so in the end you still may win). I was wondering what your feelings on fanart are? :o Because I'd love to try my hand at some.

>>16510851651085 I'd be more then happy to allow you to create fanart.

Please, by all means, go for it!

Then, send me a link so I can see your work.

~Syn3rgy

read this fiction a long time ago. This is not like any grimdark I have ever read. I always picture Liam Neeson as the narrator... this story gets 5/5.

stupid… I not going insane

to a defenseless pegasud.

i hated and loved this story at the same time. good job. here are a few mistakes i found.

Wow just wow I have no words to describe what I am feeling o_O I decided I was actually requested to do this fanfic read through on YouTube I was really umming and arring about it though because this is very dark considering what I normally read and I know it has already been read on YouTube but It is one of those stories that just had to be read :P

just finished The 4th chapter of The Fall of the Rainbow Factory. I wanted to go back an read some of the Rainbow factory fan fics and somehow I missed this one. I had heard the song but I had no idea they made this into a story. It was very good. But please tell me what you think of mine. (gets better as you go).

*spoiler alert

I really like it.. someone definitely needs to take down rd though.

Maybe when Glaze or H8_seed make another rainbow factory related song.

I can only hope..

Wait he died or escaped

>>20228612022861 that's up for your interpretation.

I've read this LONG before I joined FimFiction.net!

*Reads it again*

Don't cry....

Don't cry.....

Don't cr-Fuck.....

it was really disgusting when he sawed the filly's wings off...

good story and i love the song

derp...

>>18923091892309. My good sir, how would you like to see this fanfic be turned into an SFM version?  I've already got Syn3rgy's permission.  I will be doing Rainbow Factory and Pegasus Device as well

>>22985652298565 that would be awsome What do I need to do?

I read this before even looking at The Rainbow Factory fic...have listened to both songs.

This story really rocked my socks, interesting and horrifying

Should I read that Rainbow Factory? also I have heard that lots of different versions exist,

any recommendations? as I might be spoiled by the quality of this story

>>23280222328022 Yes, I would recommend the Rainbow Factory, the one by Aurora Dawn, an old acquaintance of mine. However, other then the Pegasus Device, which was the official sequel to the Rainbow Factory, and yet didn't follow the premise of 'Awoken' (Also written by Aurora), I don't know of many more 'good quality fics'. Sure, for the Rainbow Factory, there are  bunch of spin-offs, so many, however, that I couldn't promise you that all the reads would be worth your while.

So read the Rainbow Factory and then the rest should be at your own discretion. I'll forewarn you, however, that unlike my story here, which is a 'Psychological' Grimdark, his is a true, unhinged, gruesome Grimdark. It'll be much more gory.

Hope I could help, and I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

~Syn3rgy

>>23283482328348

Thank you so much for replying to my message, has just finished reading Rainbow Factory now. It was Great

Now I must ask one last thing so I like wont have to make another post just for asking...do you have some dark story/ies involving Twilight Sparkle?

Or maybe you can as well point me in the direction of some good ones made by others?

Yeah I'm new to this site

>>23302262330226 Well, the only other Grimdark story I have written is Disturbed, which is extremely gruesome, and though the chapter has not been written yet, Twilight will be included.

You can find the story via my homepage, which you can access by clicking on my name.

I actually don't make a habit of searching grimdark, I don't really read many. I think all you really need to do is look around, and you'll be bound to find one. I should mention that unfortunately, there aren't many well written grimdarks out there, and some are created just to make you feel deeply disturbed (Such as Trixie's Fun-house, Sweet Apple Massacre, Cupcakes, and Cheerilee's Garden). Most often for the MLP fandom 'horror' means 'brutal sex and filthy gore', but if your looking for some notorious grimdark, I've linked you to a few.

So your new eh? Well, let me be one the first to welcome you to this sight! Are you a writer, or a reader?

Hope I could help

~Syn3rgy

PS: of course, for all the story's I've linked, there are dramatic reading on YouTube, if that's what you prefer.

>>23303282330328

Thanks for all the links, very nice of you to help out this much

I am a Reader though I someday hope to start writing my own stories.

It was a long time since I have written any stories and those were about Lego-Pirates

I do have an active imagination but find it hard to always put it on paper

>>23303622330362 Well, if you ever do have the drive to start writing, I have  contacts and links I can send to you for assistance.

~Syn3rgy

Wow, this was really good! Brohoof to you.

I have already read the original Rainbow Factory (yes, off of creepypasta.) this is a great read, especially for me because I've been looking for a story like this scince I read RF.

Because I will be occupied with three other crossovers this easter break, I would love to see, if I had the time, myself doing a version of RF where Derpy beats Dash ("may the muffins be with you").

I have been hoping to start a new one too, apart from the Derpy vs Demented Dash RF, decided on a title but mot giving spoilers to anyone...

-derpface- well, as I was saying...

This was like a gift from Luna herself. Best thing ever. The ending, when you think about it, makes sense. There is only one way out; death.

Also, something a few ppl failed to notice;

At one point you said "brown pegasus"

Was that supposed to be Orion? It reminded me of him...

For some reason, I also saw some "Captain Hook the Biker Gorrila" refrences in this.

Third best grimdark I've read. For some reason,grimdarks make me laugh when I read them. Like Cupcakes....

... I was never here. *dissapears*

That was the best 'sequal' thing to a fanfiction i have ever read. Most people, when writing it, making a happy ending. I read an ending to Cupcakes where Pinkie ended up getting what she deserved. And another ending to RF was where they all escaped.

But this showed what truly happened. Death was the only way out.

Fourth best fanfiction I've read. Great job :D

THAT ENDING!

My heart, it's crumbling =(

Nicely done. I especially like how the ending is completely up to the reader's interpretation. I plan to make a video or do a discussion on this one. Well worth my time!

Sadly I do not have time to do this kind of analysis (curse my real life and the wonderful creative works I do taking over). HOWEVER when ever I get the chance I will have this fic highly recommended and I will talk about it in an informal recorded audio-cast some time this summer.

>>25567782556778 oh, thank you!

If you do get around to making something, I'd love the link!

>>20228612022861

Who says it wasn't both?

>>25795332579533 I like this guy...