War is brutal. It asks you questions with no right answers. It leaves scars on your body and mind.
War is a game in which you will always lose.
And Rainbow Dash might've just lost everything.
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- Member Since 27th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 4th, 2023
Deathscar
You'd be surprised at the emotions twenty-six letters can unearth
Deathscar
Joined 27th Mar, 2012 ·
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"She was never good at making another pony happy or even smile
That was a great set up I wish it this story utilized it. Pinkie likely still has her cutie mark (she had it in the other timelines) so it would have been interesting to see how she may end up bringing a smile to Dash's face...eventually (not now it would not be possible).
It does seem that this is the alternate time line that people like best and I agree. Pinkie and Dash ahave a good dynamic here and I wished you were going to delve into that more but it looks like you are done for the moment.
I did find the part with Celestia to feel slightly forced. I get Dash's feelings but the way she talks to the the Princess (for instance she seems to be actively avoiding her title) seems a bit off even when upset (especially so quickly). I would have thought there would have been some level of decorum at least initially before Dash gets too annoyed to keep up the act.
Still overall good work.
6703153 Thanks so much for the critique!
Yeah truth be told I wanted to make this story a LOT bigger than it actually was, but working on it so long made me realize I didn't really have a direction, plot or scenarios to test these characters other than this scene.
You make a good point about Pinkie's line and how it should be played more. I didn't really think of that line any more than just in passing but that's a great idea to expand upon it.
Celestia did sorta come up from nowhere, but I wanted to show the contrast of Rainbow and Celestia in this universe. How just because Rainbow is fighting for Celestia, doesn't mean she likes her. She's kind of left with no choice. I also wanted to hint at a very harsh tension between the two, how both don't seem to like eah other. But now I realized it should have been done better. Some backstory could be given or more could be implied. And yeah, Dash could have kept up her act a bit more before breaking and hating her. That was too rushed.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read and give a critique! These comments really do help make me a better writer and understand what my readers feel is right or wrong with the story! :)
6703137 thanks! Glad you liked it!
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Well you could also use that as another area to delve into. Perhaps Dash and Celestia have a history where Dash is still loyal and willing to serve but at the same time she is no longer as respectful as she could be. Pinkie would probably be curious about that.
Yea delving into Pinkie can also be interesting. She probably wants to make ponies happy but is probably having a hard time of it. The first question would be
1. What gave her the cutie mark in the first place? SHe likely did not get her party on teh rock farm so something else had to have done it. Think about how this would influence her personality and how she brings smiles. It may not be parties anymore.
2. WHy are Dash and Pinkie friends? In the standard timeline they do not become close until Pinkie convinces Dash to go pranking with her as before that Dash thought her annoying. After that they became the best of friends.
3. Is pinkie's mane always down or only when fighting? Did she ever get a poofy mane since Dash never did the rainboom or is she waiting for it to happen (perhaps Dash could trigger it a different way).
There are all sorts of questions you could bring up and potentially answer.
Oh sweet Celestia, the feels. Feels, I tell you, feels!
Good job, mate.
Is there gonna be a sequel?
6704094 Thank you!
6704300 Haha maybe? I'm not sure yet. I wanna see if I have any motivation to continue!
6704308 YAY!
Awesome story.
If you can continue this that would be awesome!!!! in my opinion this captures everything about loyalty, you are loyal to friends and family above all.
Is is amazing... Holy crap.
I loved this. Sequel please? I need more of this alternate universe!
Loyalty never dies literally. I love how you write pinkie you just seem accurate with her character even if this is a alt universe. Rainbow dash is fun to write.
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Glad you all enjoyed the story!
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Heh, maybe. I'm still hesitant to write for this. Not sure if I can dedicate the time!
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Thanks! Still not suire if I'm gonna continue this, we'll see!
This was probably one of the best fics I ever read.
6727019 Thank you so very much for the compliment! ^^
Interesting way to end a one-shot. Good story.
This story is deep, it makes me wonder what life would be like for these ponies in this environment and circumstance. It really makes me think.
Anyway, take your like, you deserve it.
Hey there! I did a reading of your story! I hope you enjoy it! Youtube Reading