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"My name is Winding Roads, or 'Windy' as I rather be called. I work with my mother and brother in our family owned caravan business located out of Appleloosa. I have a good life; an exciting job, a little filly I am trying to raise right, and over my head is wide open skies."
"What more could a mare ask for?
...his name is 'Ranger'."
Story DUE FOR RE-Write
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Well that was certainly something. So far I'm really liking the dynamic between Windy and her family members, and you've got more than enough descriptions going on. I think that there's a lot going well for you with this story, so keep at it. A few glaringly obvious grammatical errors though.
needs to be our.
needs to be its. Possessive, not "it is."
needs to all be changed to "I smirk as I watch" because the rest is present tense.
And I IN him.
I mean, it's really good actually. Very enjoyable read, so please don't take my corrections as a sign that I'm frustrated with them or anything. Seriously, I'm correcting them simply so that you can see what's wrong, and fix them. A final piece of advise though, add some longer sentences. At times it feels way too stop-start, when it should flow through the descriptions instead. Will definitely be following this.
6667940 Changes made! Thank you so much for spotting them, I have been working on this for weeks and had gotten so used to the words I am inured to them.
I never take corrections or critisim badly if its in the name of polishing the story to improve it. Thanks so much for your feedback and grammatical eye. Be sure to check the next chapter, I'll gladly like both return for that one too!
(reads description)
You know, for some reason this reminds me of
6673724 yes, but their will be no "laying of money down" nor selling of bottles of Dr.Good
I found this story by accident and now I want MORE! I like the perspective you choose to write it in. It's something rare and you did a great job with it. I'm looking forward to more
6673923
thank ya. So glad you found it! This was suppose to be a one shot but grew bit by bit.
I hope to keep you interested.
For the most part, I've liked it so far. It's not often I find a HiE from the outside perspective and this one seems to have promise. And I'll admit I've never seen the wagon train concept used in a story before either.
I agree with Pwn13s on the short sentences though. While there is nothing wrong with them in principle, it does feel a mite jarring at times and sorta ruining the immersion into the story, at least for me. There were also a few more or less minor grammatical errors. Let me list a few...
Missing punctuation after again.
Period after 'I-' should be a comma.
Their should be there.
Period after the closing quotation should be removed. 'You' should be capitalized. Period after stop should be a comma.
Should be single, not double quotes.
Period should be comma.
Now, it's mostly things like misplaced and misused punctuation marks. Little things, but they can negatively impact reading flow. Overall though? The start of the story is good and I can't way to see where it goes.
First off, I want to say that I love the narrative voice you're using here. The whole point of first person is to give the narrative as much character and depth as the dialogue, and you pull it off wonderfully. From word choice to sentence structure, everything has a bit of Windy in it. So on that part, very well done.
However, as others have pointed out, you've got a lot of technical and grammatical errors throughout. So far the story is good enough that I'm willing to overlook those, but I highly recommend getting yourself an editor.
One thing that I can point out right now without having to go back and pick them out: Don't be afraid to use contractions. Normally that would be something to avoid in the exposition, but since you're using first person, it's perfectly acceptable to pick up Windy's speaking patterns, even when she's not actually speaking.
Use italics rather than single quotes for thoughts.
And finally, there were one or two places where you slipped into present tense when you shouldn't have. Using it in sentences that directly describe something that she just mentioned, or in character thoughts, is perfectly acceptable to establish the context of the historical present, but there were also one or two that were entirely random. Those are the ones that should have still been in past tense.
Great job! I know I said it before but I really am loving it. Keep up the good work!
LateBronyWriter
6674487 I owe you a 'mention' when I get to it.
thank ya!
Here's another chapter I enjoyed. The interactions between Windy, Ranger and Glory. I can almost hear the latter asking 'when can I call him daddy?' XD
I also appreciated the world building at the start. I wonder how many wagon train groups are in that region...
And I cansee why she would be reluctant to risk what they have. A rejection would make their interaction very awkward, and their friendship does seem pretty precious. (And he might go to Cherry Hag!)
I loved this chapter. Had me smiling all the way through. From Rarity's world traveling parents and Cross thinking a seamstress is a potion maker, to Glory's moment and finally the spark of a relationship! This chapter bumped you up to favourites XD
I love it, and I want more of it, and I want it now
I read this out of curiousity and found to not be dissapointing at all. Love the perspective and pacing with a thirst for more of it. Doing really great so far and hope to see more in the future.
6675668 Thanks hope to keep things rolling after the holiday
6675520 Thanks a bunch. Will get back to work after the holiday.
6675253 Oh! You caught that, ehh? I was hoping someone did. I paint Cross as the kind of guy who learns what he needs and goes for their.
Glad to have you along for the ride.
This is awesome! You've definitely got me hooked.
Is Glory's father eventually going to make an appearance? If he does, I hope that Ranger knocks out all of his teeth when they meet. Also is there any chance of Ranger, Windy and the rest of the family visiting Ponyville for the Apple family reunion in the future?
6697527 Thankya kindly. Truth be told I'm not sure what I was gonna do with this story, but I definitely was gonna have them cross pathes with the mane 6, especially Applejack
Thanks for the support hope to keep you riveted.
This is pretty good. Strong narrative voice, strong characterizations though Cross Roads and Ranger's are a little thin at the moment. Glory is adorable as all-get-out. The romance moves at a rather decent clip but she was at that stage where things are spilling over, after all.
Overall, I like it pretty much. :3
Keep up the good work.
Interesting so far. I like the feel of the story and how it's progressing. I'll be looking forward to seeing more of these characters.
You've got a number of technical errors here and there, sometimes odd capitalization or wording, but for the most part it remains relatively moderate.
6710437 Yeah, I need an editor but finding one is a lot of work.
Thanks for the support.
I am conflicted over which direction to take,
1.A romp on everyday life with Ranger and Windy taking a relationship slow, working through the cultural differences and social norms
2. Back track and show how they met
3. A switch and have them go on an adventure that could send Ranger home.
Thoughts?
6707894 Thanks a lot for the support! I really appreciate it.
Not sure which way to head with it though. What's something you would like to see? (Not a request, just fishing for feedback to make a decision.)
6712007
Well for as much of this as you have so far, it's going well. With that said, think about what motivates your characters as the most likely course they'll take. Considering the development of their personalities so far, I'll bet you already have the answer sitting in front of you.
Why not simply roll this in with little flashbacks at key moments when something makes Windy remember this or that moment when they made a new connection, worked through a faux pas of culture clash, or perhaps a moment Ranger was feeling crushed under the weight of his circumstances and Windy was there for him? I've had these kinds of questions come up with my stuff, and once had an editor say I should pick one or another direction. After a moment to consider, I ended up using both options to both have my main character degrade himself and express self-sacrificing tendencies. My favorite part of fiction is the great truth of literally being free to do anything you bloody well please, and with the right wording, it will make sense in context.
Depends greatly on what kind of feel you want. Windy suffering intense anxiety, possibly from helping Ranger leave her? An external view of Ranger trying to come to terms with getting back what he lost or accepting what he's gained? There is also the part where you need to decide if you want an adventure feel, or if a slice of life romance like you have so far is what you're after.
You've got a good base to continue on from, and I think that, regardless of the direction you take, if you continue giving it honest consideration as it appears you have done, you will have something worth reading. Personally, I write what the story tells me to when I'm on my own stuff. I let the characters take over their own responses. I consider the background events of each character's life and how those things affect them in their present state. I do the same with the events of the world around the characters, such as history that led to this or that, such as one of my current efforts (ancient history in the same verse as my main effort) where I'm exploring earth ponies gaining social and military parity with pegasi and unicorns.
I suppose the most concise way of expressing what I'm trying to say is simply to consider everything, and most of this focus is on the most directly relevant pieces of the story. In this case, definitely the characters and their interactions.
6712087 Wow! Input GOLD!
Your right, I did have a plan but I was trying to feel it out for its implementation, because it coincides with someone else's fic. I wanted to lean towards making it my own but I like how I had it written. It might take some considerable time to make it more original, but either way.
The real problem I want Ranger to face is his conflicting feelings about being in Equestria and the temptation of moving on with his duty as a father and husband to return to Earth. This will be seen through Windy's eyes and it will tear her apart wanting to be there for him but the end game being him possibly leaving.
That's great advice implementing both, sorta Tarantino's it telling the story out of order. Not the first time someone told me to go with both ideas, and that's where it's golden.
Thanks a lot, you have given me much sage wisdom to ponder.
6712214 Tch, I don't know about any "sage wisdom" you might have heard. I barely know what the crap I'm doing with my own stuff!
One other thing to always remember though, and something I personal adhere to. Write what YOU would personally want to read, would possibly even read a second time or more. You can't please everyone, so please your own sense of taste as your goal first, and those that like similar things will enjoy it too. Respecting good storytelling, of course.
6712360 Pee shaw! It's perspective and a good one at that! I don't consider myself a writer, I am more of a artist...doodler, anyway. Any way, I love to talk with others about this stuff. Nobody in IRL I can.
So I look forward to your insight in the future
6712938 Well, in order to have a chance of further perspectives, you'll have to write and post more.
6713138 Quite so
6712036
You can probably mix 1. and 3. together and let the dilemma of choosing between leaving or staying hit the new couple in the climax. Or finding out in the end, he still couldn't leave.
... I'm a bad person. D:
This... this right here. All of this. All of it. I want...
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/169/432/nic_cage_moar.gif
Nice idea, followed by good story telling, world building and interesting characters.
Some typos and punctuation errors here and there.
"Its" -> "It's"
"your" -> "you're"
"must of" vs. "must've or must have"
To name a few. I'd point out the quote but typing on a phone is hardly easy as it is. Though, that can probably be easily taken cared of with a once-over. Looking past that, I love the characters, Glory and Windy in particular. I wouldn't have taken Windy for being a mother from how she acts. Glory is just adorable. With the story following a traveling caravan, I wonder what else is going to happen. Especially with poor Ranger's predicament. Man's got a family to think about! Also makes me wonder why Windy can just go along with his story.
Alright, I'll keep track of this.
6921822 I always have trouble with those. That and "their", "there", and "they're". It just never stuck. I am using google docs now and that seems to catch those things, so hopefully that will patch those up.
As for the story, yeah I loved writing Windy! I see her as Applejack (best pony) mixed in with a little Tifa from Final Fantasy 7. Glory I based greatly off of one of my students, smart as a whip, but retaining that child like spirit.
I am attempting to write more of it, but I am stuck, unsure of which direction to take.
I may just go with it, and see where it leads me.
6921834
I'd say just write and let the story take you were it will, maybe after awhile something will pop up you could expand on. I have really enjoyed this thus far.
Sorry to hear from your writting block and the end of this story. I really liked it.
But I#m looking forward when you come back to the story. Until then, I will probably read it again and again^^
7017810 Thanks, I really appreciate it.
Unfortunate, but it happens. Personally, I've found when I feel like I'm stuck in a corner, giving some time and throwing off a few random idea fireworks will get me somewhere. Then there are times where the only way to get around it is to pick some somewhat reasonable reaction for the characters and force myself to write it. Even if you use a common cliche, they're only tools and rely more on presentation for quality, after all. Forcing myself through a stuck spot has typically freed up further ideas as a result.
Hopefully you come back to this story in due time.
When I get into a corner, I step back for a week, write something else and then come back to look at where I got stuck. Usually I end up nuking the last fifteen pages I written from existence and starting over from a earlier spot in the story. Not sure if that help at all.
7018036 With encouragement like that, how can I not?
7018221 The biggest issue was trying to gap his willingness for a relationship with Windy and his marriage to his human wife. Everytime I approached it, he either came off too sentimental, or to cavalier with his commitment. Instead I may rewrite where he had been in Equestria for 15 years, Windy and him are married and Glory is their biological daughter.
I dunno,
Thanks for the support Hiv, it's a real boost.
to bad that there isn't any more story of this at the moment, it is refreshing to see a HiE turn pony that doesn't start out in Ponyville and the characters has a lot of depth to them.
7018797 Thanks, it actually gave me a lot of freedom to world build.
Everyone has writer's block from time to time, don't give in to that madness!
...Rooooooooolll credits!
Oh come on, that was just asking for it.
...rooollll... you know what, forget it.
I'm still hoping that you'll find the inspiration to continue this someday. This is one of the most original "Human turned Pony" stories I've ever had the pleasure of reading.
10349846
I adore these characters. Writing as Windy was very fun, some of my best. I literally just had no where to go with the story. I suppose I could do slice of life but still not sure what to do with it.
10350038
I think slice of life would defiantly be the best route to take for this story. As for where to take it. For now, I'd say start where your last chapter ended and flesh out Ranger's early days with the caravan and how he wormed his way into Windy's heart along with becoming a father figure to Glory.