• Published 1st Dec 2015
  • 1,249 Views, 65 Comments

The Troll Squad - Witching Hour



Squad 12 is generally professional in all their endeavors... But with a particular emphasis on Trolling and *Barely* Toeing the Line.

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Pt 1 - Captain Moonbow & Lt. Cmdr. Sunshower (The Troll Twins)

“I think you two know why you’re here…” With a disgusted sigh, Spitfire tosses the newspaper down on her desk and looks at the pair of pegasi standing on the other side of her desk. The two bear similar colors but in different order; while the stallion was blond yellow with a gray-violet mane and tail, the latter wrapped up in an inch of blue binding, the mare is the same gray-violet with a blonde mane held back with a dark blue headband and her tail bound up with a blue ribbon in a loose half-bun.

Despite the formality of their visit, they each sport matching smirks and mirthful glints in their green eyes as they see the headline of the Equestria World News (“Squad Twelve Twins: Closer Than Family?!”) accompanied with a picture of the pair making bedroom eyes at each other.

“That’s a rather good picture, don’t you think, ma’am?” the mare asks, trying and failing miserably to conceal (or simply dialing down) her amusement.

“I’m rather fond of it myself. Say, could we have that? I wanna frame it,” the stallion adds, seemingly in all seriousness, drawing a long and exasperated sigh from the Lead Captain.

"I know you two don't really do this, so why do you keep feeding the press shit like this?" Spitfire asks, leaning against her desk and rubbing at her temples.

"It’s funny?" the stallion answers with a shrug.

"It keeps the press off the others?" the mare supplies a breath after her brother, shrugging as well.

Spitfire rolls her eyes, slumping wearily in her seat. "Why do I put up with you two?"

"Because we're under contract and it's not a violation of the Code of Conduct," the mare replies with a somehow straight face, despite the rhetorical nature of Spitfire’s question.

"And you don't really mind..." the stallion adds.

"And if we didn't do this sort of thing, they would've made a bigger deal out of Commander Lightning Streak getting blackout drunk and then kicked out of the bar for getting hoovesy with the owner's daughter..." the mare elaborates helpfully.

"I mean, really, he does that so often! And yet it's never headline news. I wonder why...?" the stallion comments, smirking.

“Captain Moonbow! Commander Sunshower!” Spitfire snaps, annoyed at the twins trading off their explanations. At the captain’s outburst, the twins revert to silent smirking, and Spitfire’s not sure if she prefers their silence or their bantering explanation. Sighing heavily, she tosses the newspaper at the stallion and he quickly catches it before the pages could go flying. “Just… You know what… No… We’re done. Get out before I decide to change my mind and feed you trolls.”

“Awwww…” the stallion pouts, and his sister starts shoving him towards the door.

“Now now Sunny… You heard the captain. We won’t get any food from her so let’s go find somepony who will,” the mare chides, herding her brother out of the office. “B.C. and Azzy might want food too… It’d be selfish of us to horde a meal to ourselves.”

Fine, Moony…” ‘Sunny’ grumbles playfully, half-heartedly resisting the mare’s pushing. The twins hear Spitfire sigh gustily before the door closes behind them, and it takes all their willpower to hold in their laughter until they’d gotten up to the third floor. Stumbling through their hysterics to the fourth door on the left side of the East Wing, the twins virtually tumble through the door with the nameplate that read:

Squad 12

Elite, Lower Tier

Cptn. Moonbow

Lt. Cmdr. Sunshower

Lt. Azure Star

Lt. Bear Claw

“Meeting with Captain Hotpants go well then?” queries the bright blue mare with brown and gold mane and tail from her perch on the top bunk on the right side of the room.

“As well as can be expected, considering this was the front page, Azzy!” Sunshower replies with a broad grin as he holds up the newspaper for both the mare and her bunkmate, a mottled brown stallion with dirty blond mane and tail on the lower bunk.

“You two are really too good at that… If we didn’t room with you, we’d call you liars!” the stallion comments, smirking.

“Please, B.C.… He’s my brother…” Moonbow retorts, shuddering and rolling her eyes at the stallion, though the effect is ruined by her smile.

“Yeah,” Sunshower pipes up from where he is currently digging through some drawers for some scissors, “It’d be like kissing myself!” He pulls out a mirror and runs a hoof through his mane. “Though, I am quite a looker!” He winks to the mirror then tosses it over his shoulder.

Catching the mirror and setting it down on her brother’s bed, Moonbow chuckles. “Anyway, we should all get some food. Schedules and all that to keep! Besides, afterwards I reserved a gym for us, need to go over some new stuff!”

“Food sounds nice,” Bear Claw says, rolling off of his bunk and to the floor.

“Though not as interesting as the stuff after,” Azure Star chuckles. “What are we practicing anyway, Moony?”

“It’s a surprise!” Moonbow states enthusiastically as she goes over to her brother and taps him on the shoulder. “Ready to go?”

“Hm? Oh, yes I couldn’t find the scissors,” Sunshower says, removing his head from the drawer he was looking in, a pair of fake glasses with over-sized eyebrows on them. “Found my favorite glasses though!”

“I had wondered where those went,” Moonbow laughs, “but come on! All that laughing earlier made me hungry!”

“Alright, alright,” Sunshower chuckles, putting the silly glasses back. “Wonder what they’re serving today. I hope it’s something fun, though I bet the cooks just hate us enough to give us boring food!”

Moonbow laughs in response and heads to the door, followed closely by her brother. The rest of their squad is already in the hallway, and they’re soon all on their way to the mess hall. Squad Twelve laughing and joking the entire way keeps most of the other Wonderbolts at a healthy distance, not willing to suffer the attention of the two leaders of the squad. In fact, quite a few ponies dive into rooms the instant they spot the squad.

By the time they reach the mess hall, the hallway is mostly devoid of ponies of lower rank than them, and quite a few higher.

Striding into the dining area, Sunny takes a deep breath and sighs. “Ahhh, I do so love the smell of unsuspecting ponies in the afternoon.” He rubs his hooves together and chuckles. “Smells like victory.” He then sniffs the air a few times. “No… No, that’s chili... “ He then goes and gets in line for a sandwich, the rest of the squad going and getting their own food. After grabbing his favorite food, a ham sandwich, Sunshower looks around for a place to sit, and spots not only that but potential mealtime entertainment. Going over to his sister, he quickly whispers in her ear, a wide smile crossing her face as she hears what he has found.

“Alright, you two,” Moonbow says to the other two in her squad as they come over. “You’re going to be on your own for lunch, Sunny and I have a mission!”

“Alright, Moony,” Azure says with a nod and a salute with her free hoof, the other holding a tray of food. “Good luck, and Celestia be with you both on your secret mission!” Bear also salutes, but says nothing as he already has one, of many, hotdogs from his tray occupying his mouth.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Azure,” Moonbow replies in a mostly serious tone. “Come, brother, let us commence Operation ‘Chill Fire’!” Sunshower nods, and they both start off towards a table on the other side of the room.

That table just happens to be occupied by a member of Squad Two, which had just finished practice and are now enjoying a quiet, peaceful, lunch.

Unfortunately, the peace cannot last.

“Hi Wave!” Sunshower says as he sits down, or rather springs up from seemingly nowhere, beside Wave Chill. “How are you?”

“What the…?!” Wave all but jumps out of his seat, only to sigh and flatten his ears and narrow his eyes. “Sunshower, what in the name of Celestia are you doing here?”

“Well,” Moonbow says from the other side of Wave. “We saw you sitting here, didn’t we brother,” Sunshower nods, chewing on his sandwich. “And, see, we just met with Captain Hotpants…”

“No, I see where this is going,” Wave states flatly, attempting to stand up only to be forced back down by both Sunshower and Moonbow.

“No, I don’t think you do,” Sunshower says in a dead serious voice. “See, we notice things. Things ponies don’t think we notice, but we do.” He leans over and pokes Wave in the shoulder his smile returning. “And we’ve noticed you and everyone’s favorite career bachelorette are getting kinda close!”

“Putting aside that that is none of your business,” Wave starts, only to frown, “why the hell are you smiling?”

“Because,” Moonbow all but shouts, “this is a monumental occurrence! Surely, the stars are in alignment and the heavens shall celebrate this! Somepony has, at last, come to douse Captain Hotpants’ flames!”

“Excuse me?” Wave sputters. “What in the name of Celestia are you…”

“We’re talking about somepony finally giving her a proper rodeo ride!” Sunshower states, tapping a hoof against the table. “And frankly, it is about time! She is just a bundle of sexual tension and needs!” Sunshower puts a hoof against his chest and sits up straight. “We would know, my sister and I are professionals! We even have cards!”

“You have… cards?” Wave asks slowly. “Dare I…”

“Yup!” Moonbow states, pulling a business card out of nowhere and putting it in front of Wave as her brother does the same. Wave looks down at them and can’t help but facehoof at what is on them.


Captain Moonbow

Professional Troll

“You did this to yourself”


Lt. Cmdr. Sunshower

Professional Troll

“You know what you did, and we’re here to make fun of it.”


“Now, since we are professionals,” Sunshower clears his throat, “it’s our professional recommendation that you go and drag our beloved leader into a closet, and give her some surfing lessons.” Wave looks over at Sunshower with a mixture of horror and confusion. “I anticipated this reaction! That is why I had the trainers work up diagrams! I figured the soldier factory never explained how to properly perform your duties!”

“Diagrams? Seriously?” Wave moans, putting a hoof against his face. “How did you get them to agree to that?”

“Oh, they stopped asking questions of us ages ago!” Moonbow laughs. “We’re still working on Rivet, though. Little stallion is very resilient to our pleading!”

“Mostly because he hides the moment he spots us…” Sunshower adds. “Honestly… You’d think we were going to molest him like Fleet does…”

“It doesn’t help that B.C. got all of us unilaterally banned from his lab…” Moony continues, smiling not unlike a cheshire cat.

“Not that it stops B.C.…” Sunny joins his sister in grinning fit to split his face.

“Can’t you two just -”

“Nope!” the twins reply in vehement and cheerful unison, interrupting their hapless victim.

“I am not looking at any diagrams!” Wave shouts, losing his composure for a moment.

“But we worked so hard on them!” Sunny whines, giving Wave puppy dog eyes, “I mean, I had to annoy Bliss for a full hourrrrr to get her to agree!”

“Now now, dear brother,” Moony sighs, looking at her brother, “if he won’t look at the diagrams, then we’ll just have to not use them.” She then smiles and nods. “Just means we need to pull out the big guns.”

“Plan B?” Sunny asks, perking up.

“Plan B,” Moony agrees with a firm nod.

“Oh, Celestia…” Wave sighs, putting his face in his hooves. “What is plan B?”

“Glad you asked!” Sunny shouts, slamming his hooves against the table causing a loud bang. The room goes silent for a moment as everyone stares at him. Ignoring the looks, which are mostly rolled eyes and sighs, Sunny points over to the rest of his squad a few tables away. “B.C! Hot dog, stat!”

Bear Claw stands up, picks up a hot dog and chucks it at his superior officer, who catches it and sits back down quickly putting an arm around Wave’s neck and pulling him close.

“Now, Wavy, this is a hot dog,” Sunny says slowly, waving the food in Wave’s face.

“No, that’s a bratwurst,” Wave says in a deadpan.

“Wave… I never realized you knew your sausages…” Moony says with an over-dramatic gasp.

“I am not going to feed you two anymore by replying to that,” Wave growls, attempting to get back to his food.

“Oh come on! This is the best entertainment I’ve had all day!” a new voice interjects followed by a tray hitting the table. “You walked right into that sausage joke!”

“Oh, great…” Wave sighs, putting his head against the table.

“Hi Blaze!” Moony greets the other female Wonderbolt with a smile.

“Speaking of food related things,” Sunny says slowly as he looks around, “eat any tacos lately?”

“No! They stopped serving that stuff after you two….’ Blaze comments as she starts to take a bite of her jalapeno sandwich.

“That’s too bad. Better not keep Windy waiting too long,” Sunny continues as if it is the most normal conversation in the world. “Now where’s our favorite narcoleptic? Did you wear her out already? It’s not even past noon!”

As if the question summons her, High Winds sits down next to Blaze and yawns. She looks over at Blaze, who is glaring and all but emitting steam from her ears, then at Sunny, who is wiggling his eyebrows at the other Wonderbolt.

“Did…” High Winds starts, yawning heavily. “Did you break her again, Sunshower?”

“Why, whatever do you mean, Windy?” Sunny asks in an affronted tone as he puts a hoof to his chest. “I would never break your favorite bath toy!”

“Oh…” High Winds yawns again. “Okay.” She then starts eating her own food.

“Now, where were we?” Moony says as she chuckles and shakes her head. “Oh yes!” She turns back to look at her brother. “Still have that sausage?”

“Hmmm?” Sunshower hums around the bratwurst in his mouth. He looks down at it, then at his sister before eating it quickly. “What? I was hungry…”

“Well, great,” Moony sighs. “How are we going to teach this robot the true meaning of Hearth’s Warming now?”

“Plan C?” Sunny suggests with a shrug.

“I don’t know… We usually save that for the press,” Moony raised eyebrow. “I mean, it might overload his poor, little, well-trained mind!” She taps Wave on the head with one hoof.

“I know, dear sister, but desperate times call for desperate measures!” Sunny declares, thrusting a hoof up into the air dramatically. “Now, come, let us show soldier-colt here what must be done!”

“What are you two…” Wave starts, looking between the two siblings, his eyes widening as he notices how they’re looking at each other. “Oh, no… NO! You two are not doing that!”

The twins ignore him though, slowly leaning closer as they give each other the most obvious bedroom eyes ever. Wave flattens himself against the table as the two draw near, Sunny reaching up and gently caressing Moony’s face with a hoof causing a blush to rise on his sister’s face.

“Oh, Sunny, your hooves are always so gentle,” Moony whispers softly, her ears going back against her head.

“Only when they touch you, dear Moony,” Sunshower replies in a voice that causes even High Wind’s ears to perk up and a slight blush to rise on her face. “For I could never bear to even slightly bruise your beautiful face.”

“You always know what to say to make my heart melt,” Moony giggles like a filly, their faces so close to touching. “I know it’s forbidden, but… Sunny I…”

“Hush now, sister,” Sunny coos, putting a hoof over Moony’s lips. “You don’t need to say it…”


Art by Inis Ealga (FiMFic)/(DeviantArt) - Digitized by Inis Ealga - Recolored by me

Right as they're about to kiss, everyone at the table watching with a mixture of interest -- mostly Blaze -- and disgust, there is a loud cough from behind them.

“If you two are done making me want to vomit rainbows,” a gruff voice growls, “I would really like to have a meeting with my squad.”

“Thank you!” Wave shouts, his wings springing out and striking both Sunny and Moony, forcing them away from each other. “Thank you, sir!”

“Awww,” Sunny groans. “You never let us finish Captain Tightpants!”

“Perhaps because there are no press ponies present,” Silver states as he sits down on the other side of Moony. “And nopony wants to see you two make out in the middle of the mess hall.”

“Wow, I have to ask,” Moony says with a straight face. “Do those pants cut off the blood to your old stallion’s pride?” Silver doesn’t even react, just starts eating and ignoring the two trolls. Sighing, Moony looks to her brother, “Come on, Sunny, let's go back to B.C and Azzy.”

“Oh… Okay,” Sunny sighs, then pauses and looks over to Blaze who has returned to eating her sandwich while grumbling about the trolls. “But first, I have a question for you, oh dear Blaze!” Blaze looks up with a glare and opens her mouth to likely tell him to buck off, but Sunny cuts her off. “Can you tell me how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a High Winds?”

High Winds does a spit take, Wave’s wings spring out again, and Silver just sighs and scoots away a little. Blaze all but howls with fury as she goes to launch over the table at Sunny, but before she can, Sunny pulls a whip cream pie out from beneath the table and thrusts it forward into the enraged fire handler’s face as he gets up and sprints away with his sister not far behind.

Howling with laughter, the two make a tactical retreat towards their squad before Blaze can recover. As they reach the other two members of Squad Twelve, they find them ready and waiting for what is to come.

“Prepare for combat!” Moony states in a commanding voice as she slides behind the table. “Our foe shall soon recover from the surprise pie attack, and we must be able to retaliate as we retreat!”

“Yes ma’am!” Bear Claw and Azure shout in unison as they salute. As they go for their food trays, they hear the blood curdling battle cry of Spitfire’s sister as she sprints towards them.

Squad Twelve is unfazed, however, as this is a foe they know well. Standing their ground, the squad readies their edible weapons, preparing to toss them on the word of their commanding officer.

“Steady!” Sunny says, hoisting a bowl of chili. “Do not fire until you see the cream upon her face!” Blaze draws closer, Wonderbolts diving out of the way or even cheering her on. “STEADY!” She is nigh upon them when Moony raises her voice.

“ALL BATTERIES, OPEN FIRE!” Moony shouts, her squad instantly reacting and unleashing a barrage of food.

Blaze is pelted by the food, raising a wing to shield herself as she lands on a table. Reaching down, she scoops up a plate of food and readies to toss it.

“Blaze, put that down!” the Wonderbolt whose food is being commandeered for ammo protests.

Blaze doesn’t reply, instead she throws the plate towards Squad Twelve as she starts to advance again. As she draws close, B.C. looks to the twins and smiles.

“We can hold her, you two should retreat while you can!” He chuckles as he readies a pastry.

“Are you sure?” Sunny asks slowly. “We could never abandon an ally in the heat of battle.”

“Worry not, Sunny! We’ll live to fight another day!” Azure agrees as she chucks a bunch of apple slices like throwing stars. “We’re too pretty to die!”

“Alright, Celestia be with you both!” Moony chuckles as she motions to her brother. “Tactical retreat, Sunny!” The two then make a dash for the door as their squadmates keep Blaze pinned down beneath a rain of food.

As they come to the door, it opens up and the twins skid to a halt so they don’t run right into the lead squad. Soarin is the first through the door, and sighs heavily as he looks to his wrist as if there was a watch on it.

“Is it that time already?” he asks in an off-hooved voice. “I could of sworn it wasn’t Thursday yet.” He opens his mouth to say more, but a pie suddenly flies out of nowhere and smacks him in the face. As it slides off, he grumbles. “Why is it always not apple pie?”

“Aww, but Commander!” Sunny says in a high spirited voice. “We thought you loved cream pies!”

“Only if it has a dash of rainbow sprinkles, dear brother!” Moony corrects as she slides up beside her brother, both of them wearing wide grins. The twins then laugh as Soarin gives them a very disappointed glare and walk out the door, pausing a moment only as they reach Fleet who is doing her best to not laugh. The captain of Squad Twelve hands Fleet a rainbow-sprinkled cream pie with a little flag that says ‘To Cmdr Soarin; Love Moony and Sunny’

The twins then exit the mess hall, and head down the hallway, giggling and snorting as they go. As they turn the corner back into the lobby, Sunny looks to his sister and smiles.

“So, how long do you think it will take for them to figure out it isn’t really a cream pie?”

In response, Moony holds up a wing and extends three feathers. “Three,” she puts one down. “Two,” she puts another down. “One.” The roar of fury that comes from the hallway behind them all but rattles the windows. The troll twins just burst out laughing as Wonderbolts and Auxiliaries nearby look towards the hallway as if Tartarus itself had opened up.

“Let’s go to the gym and start practicing before he can kill us!” Sunny suggests quickly as he grips his sides.

Author's Note:

So! Syl and I are the authors on this chapter, collaboratively written, starring Captain Moonbow ("Moony") and Lt. Commander Sunshower ("Sunny"). You can expect Zoljen (with Lt. Azure "Azzy" Star) and Jim Hoxworth (Lt. Bear "B.C." Claw) to come out with their own chapters, starring their own alt-OCs. :trollestia: I'm just a custodian of those chapters, but we're posting them all in once place for ease of reading.

Hope you enjoy! :scootangel:


ADDENDUM: PenumbraGlow0290 just drew some AMAZING art for this chapter, so I had to upload it!