A guy. A guy who writes stories.
Stories about ponies.
(And sometimes robots).
2w, 4dIn this talk, drinking and sexual jokes, some are included. 1 comments · 46 views
7w, 5dI am going to regret this. (read: random request thread!) 14 comments · 94 views
17w, 4dAND THEN I WAS PONY 4 comments · 78 views
18w, 1dReciprocity: A soundtrack! 0 comments · 49 views
21w, 1dGIANT ROBOTS 5 comments · 83 views
33w, 6dStuff! 4 comments · 65 views
38w, 4dOH HEY YOU GUYS 2 comments · 160 views
52w, 3dFAILURE. It happens. 3 comments · 76 views
55w, 4dProgress (or lack therof) report! 2 comments · 72 views
57w, 9hThis blog post is not about ponies. 7 comments · 54 views
Meanwhile, a unicorn and an earth pony remained blissfully unaware of Rainbow's scheming as they ate their meal.
"Y'know, I wouldn't reckon you'd fancy a joint like this." Applejack said between mouthfuls of her sandwich.
"Why is that?" Rarity said.
"Well, ain't this place a li'l . . . plain, for you?" The cowpony leaned back in her seat and looked around, almost as if she were embarrassed by the establishment. "I mean, they ain't even got candles on the tables, n' I bet you're gonna complain that we ain't got enough forks or whatever for a proper fancypants dinner."
"Please, Applejack." The corner of Rarity's mouth turned up in a grin. "Do you really think I'm that shallow? Just because I have carefully refined tastes doesn't mean I can't appreciate something a little more down to earth, hm? Besides, this diner's open at all hours, which can be quite useful if I need some quick refreshment right after finishing a project at 4 in the morning."
"No kiddin'? Well, that's good to hear."Applejack smiled, relieved, "it's just that, ah, I wasn't really expectin' to see you here so soon, y'know? Was kinda hopin' I could take ya somewhere nicer. Y'know. For our first date. Eheh." She scratched at the back of her neck and smiled apologetically at Rarity.
"Ah. Yes. That." Rarity said, very carefully, "I'd actually been meaning to talk to you about that." She closed her eyes for a moment, taking time to compose her thoughts. "As, to be honest with you, this isn't a first date--"
"Shoot, you're right!" Applejack said, pounding the table with a hoof. "I mean, there was that time we went ta Cafe Clydesdale, n' Rainbow Dash made a big scene with Twilight for some reason! So this is what, our second date?" She laughed, and pushed her hat back. "Ain't gonna try gettin' fresh with me, are ya?" Applejack winked suggestively at Rarity.
"Ah, no." Rarity sputtered. "That's not exactly what I meant--"
"Aw, don't worry, sugarcube. This whole thing's pretty new to me too." Applejack looked down at the table and her freckled cheeks began to flush. "Why don't we just take it slow for now, kay?"
"Yes. Slowly. Good idea." Rarity said, and took another sip of her coffee. She peered carefully at her blushing friend, and realized that breaking the news to her was going to be even harder than she thought. There'd come a proper time and place to break up with Applejack- just not then and there. All she had to do was get through a perfectly friendly diner dinner without any other . . . complications.
How hard could that be?
"Okay, got it." Fluttershy said, flitting back to the rooftop perch next to Rainbow Dash.
"Perfect!" Rainbow Dash grabbed the pen and paper from Fluttershy, and immediately set to work. "You came just in time! I think Applejack's in trouble, and I know just what she needs!"
Rainbow dash hurriedly scribbled out a few more words, and smiled to herself. "Oh man, this is going to be perfect. All I need to do is get this note to Applejack, and everything's gonna be fine!" She tore the paper from the pad, folded it, up, and looked back down into the diner. "But I'm gonna need your help, Fluttershy."
"Oh, anything to help." Fluttershy said. "So long as it's not, um, scary or anything. Is it scary?"
"Naaah." Rainbow Dash said, and took to the air again. "Now, follow me, and keep quiet! We're going to have to be super sneaky."
"Okay, I'm really good at being quiet," Fluttershy whispered, quieter than usual.
Rainbow Dash nodded, then silently glided down to the back of the restaurant. She nodded over her shoulder at Fluttershy, then crept in through the kitchen door, planting each hoof carefully so she wouldn't make any noise on the tile floors. Rainbow Dash went through another door into a storage room of some kind, to judge by the boxes of dry food piled upon the shelves.
"Alright, perfect." Rainbow Dash said, "now we just need to wait here until a waiter comes in on his break--"
As if on cue, a young colt in a striped apron and matching hat walked in.
"You!" Rainbow Dash pointed at the server. "Take off your pants!"
The waiter's mouth dropped open, quite justifiably. He stared at the two pretty mares for a moment, and finally managed to speak. "This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me."
"Too slow, get him!" Rainbow Dash yelled, and pounced upon the hapless waiter. Fluttershy just watched in horror as her friend quickly subdued the waiter, relieved him of his uniform, and bound him up with a nearby extension cord.
"Still the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." The waiter said.
"Quiet, you." Rainbow Dash stuffed an apple into the waiter's mouth.
"What....what are you doing?" Fluttershy murmured.
"It's all part of the plan! See, you're gonna wear this outfit as a disguise, and distract Rarity." Rainbow dash smirked, and placed the hat atop Fluttershy's head.
"I don't think that's going to work. They'll recognize me even if I've got a funny hat on."
"I know. That's what the fake moustache is for."
"You have a fake moustache?"
"Well, no." Rainbow Dash said, and looked at a broom laying in the corner. "Which is why I'm gonna make one. C'mon, we don't have much time!"
Applejack, Rarity realized, was actually pleasant company.
Not that she'd ever thought otherwise, of course. Once she'd decided not to dwell too much on the date/not date issue, the evening became a lot easier. It was just two friends, good food, and pleasant conversation.
"Like I said, ya got your work hats, n' ya got your fancy hats." Applejack shook her own hat from her head and put it on the table as a demonstration. "Mine? Mine's a work hat. I don't care iffin' it gets wet or dirty or sweaty or whatever- it can take a beatin'. My pappy gave me this hat when I was just a tiny filly, n' it's held up since then, n' I bet it'll hold up for a long time comin'."
"Makes sense." Rarity leaned in to look at the hat a little more closely. "It's constructed exceedingly well, but the felt's pliable enough that it'll just bend if pressure's applied, instead of tearing or warping."
"'course, there's a lotta folks who just got fancy hats, n' they try ta make like they're wearin' a work hat." Applejack took the hat in her mouth and flipped it back onto her head with practiced ease. "It's kinda insultin', iffin' ya ask me. Ain't honest."
"Ah yes, there's nothing quite as irritating as a poseur. Why, the last time I was at an art gallery opening in Canterlot, I came across an artist who claimed to be one of the leading painters in today's postmodernist movement, when anypony who looked at her work could obviously see it was merely neo-romanticism mixed with a bit of absurdism. Interesting, yes, but hardly revolutionary."
"Uh." Applejack said. "I guess ya had to be there?"
"I suppose so." Rarity said, if a little awkwardly. "I- wait, is that Fluttershy?" Rarity craned her neck up to get a better look across the diner. Sure enough, Fluttershy was trotting over, wrapped up in an ill fitting hat and apron. What was more distracting was the bristly, magnificent moustache taped to her upper lip. "What in the world are you doing, Fluttershy?"
"Maybe it's pegasus stuff." Applejack mused aloud.
"Um. Who's Fluttershy?" the moustachioed 'waiter' said. "I'm not Fluttershy. She doesn't have a moustache. Not that I've ever met her. Because I haven't. Because I'm not Fluttershy. I am just. Uh. A waiter."
"Riiiiiiight." Rarity said, and got to her feet. "Darling, are you feeling alright?"
"Oh. I'm fine. Perfectly fine." Fluttershy's moustache wobbled, and she reached up to hold it back in place. "But. Um. Miss Rarity. You, um, have a phone call in the back." She nodded. "It's for you. Just you. Very important."
Rarity squinted carefully at Fluttershy. "I...see." she said, carefully, and looked over her shoulder. "Applejack, I do hope you won't object if I take a moment to...sort this out."
"'course I won't. Anythin' I can do to help?" She began to stand.
"Not yet, I don't think." Rarity sighed, and shook her head. "But rest assured, if there's anything you can do, I'll be sure to let you know. Go ahead and order another round of coffees. I'm paying."
"Aw heck, I can't letcha do that. You paid for dinner on our last date."
Rarity winced, just a little. "Ah, yes. Well, tell you what, we'll sort it out when the check comes, hm? I'd like to talk to Flutter- er, I'd like to talk to our waiter, first."
"Um. Okay. Time to go. To the phone call. That's important. If it's okay with you." Fluttershy bustled Rarity away from the table and to the back.
"Huh. N' here I always thought Pinkie Pie was the crazy one." Applejack mused.
"Finally!" Rainbow Dash flung herself into the seat Rarity had just vacated. "I thought she'd never leave!"
"Rainbow! What the heck are you doin' here?"
"Helping you out, that's what."
"I don't need your help."
"Hey, don't argue! We don't have much time." Rainbow Dash reached under her wing and tossed the slip of paper onto the table. "When Rarity gets back, read her this."
"What is it?"
"Poetry!" Rainbow Dash couldn't conceal the smugness in her smile. "Girls dig poetry. Or, well, I don't, but I bet Rarity does. So I'm helping you out by writing some love poetry for you! I totally got the idea from Daring Do and the Baron of Bergerac. Just read this to her, and she's gonna be all up ons in no time!"
"Why do I get the feelin' this is a terrible plan?"
"'cause you haven't read the book, that's why! Just read the poem!" Before Applejack could object any further, Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and zipped back out of the diner. "Don't worry! I'm gonna hide out and keep an eye on you guys in case you need help!"
Applejack gingerly unfolded the paper, eyes skimming over the hastily scrawled words.
"Aw hay no."
"Fluttershy," Rarity peeled the fake moustache off of her friend as soon as they walked into the back room. "Tell me what's going on. Now."
"I'm sorry!" Fluttershy squeaked. "It's just that Rainbow Dash told me to distract you so she could talk to Applejack!"
"Why would she want to talk to Applejack? And-" Rarity paused as she saw movement from the corner of her eye. "...did you tie up the waiter?"
"Rainbow Dash did it!" Fluttershy's lower lip quivered, and tears began to form at the corner of her eyes. "She said that she had to give something to Applejack and it'd fix everything!"
"Oh no." Rarity facehooved. "I can only imagine what Rainbow's 'help' will entail. I know she means well, but...Fluttershy, could you do me just a teeeeensy favor?"
"Right. I want you to find Rainbow Dash, and keep her away from me and Applejack for the rest of the night. Can you do that?"
"Good. Now, just let me talk to Applejack, and I'll sort this whole affair out myself." Rarity shook her head, and trotted back into the diner. Hopefully, Fluttershy could keep Rainbow Dash distracted long enough for Rarity to say what she had to say.
She found Applejack where she'd left her- the only new addition to the table was a slip of paper she was staring at with a befuddled expression.
"Everything alright, darling?" Rarity said.
"Sure, just fine." Applejack replied. "Just, uh...just got this here note. From Rainbow Dash. I said it was a stupid idea, but she told me to read it--"
"Well, I suppose the evening couldn't get any stranger. Here, let me see." Rarity levitated the note from in front of Applejack, held it in front of her eyes, and read aloud:
"When it comes to beauty and class,
There's nopony who you don't surpass.
A flick of your mane,
drives me insane.
And I can't take my eyes off your- "
"I told Rainbow Dash I didn't need no poetry! Or, uh, I should have." Applejack blurted before Rarity could finish.
"Well, it's certainly...direct, I'll give it that." Rarity said, laying the note face-down on the table. She sighed, and then sat down in her chair, leaning in to look at Applejack. "So you say Rainbow Dash gave this to you?"
"Mmmhmm." Applejack nodded.
Rarity mulled the information over for just a moment before the epiphany struck her: Rainbow Dash was trying (in her own, reckless way) to seduce Applejack, thus giving the cowpony a reason to end the not-relationship before it even started.
"Gasp!" Rarity said the full word.
"What's wrong?" Applejack said.
"It's all falling into place now." Rarity chose her words carefully. It was bad enough Ponyville's fastest flyer was interfering, but having to explain it to Applejack would make it even more difficult. "I know exactly what she's trying to do. Fluttershy told me the whole story about how Rainbow Dash was going to . . . help. She means well, I suppose. But it's entirely too difficult to get her to change her ways once she's set her mind to something."
"Don't I know it! That there filly's 'bout as stubborn a pony as I ever met."
"Perhaps the...second most stubborn pony I've ever met." Rarity said with a sly smile. "But, that's beside the point. The real issue is that she's going about this all wrong."
"I know, right?" Applejack shook her head. "What happens 'tween you n' me ain't her business, or anypony else's."
"Exactly! I fear this whole thing is getting entirely out of hoof." Rarity looked up, meeting Applejack's gaze. "So, before things get even worse, I'd like to be a little more direct-"
"So would I." Applejack said, nodding. Suddenly, she turned and yelled across the resturant: "Hey, Rainbow Dash, watch this!"
Before Rarity could react, Applejack lunged across the table and pulled her into a passionate embrace. Their lips met in the sort of kiss typically reserved for the covers of tawdry romance novels, if one could look past the napkins and condiments scattered about.
After a momentously long few seconds, Applejack let Rarity go, gasping slightly for breath. Even though her cheeks were flushed red, her lips turned up in a broad, dopey kind of grin.
"Wow." said Rarity. She felt a not-entirely-unpleasant shiver run from the tips of her ears to the end of her tail. "I...wasn't expecting that. Wow."
"Heh. Hope I didn't get too fresh with ya, sugarcube. But, like ya said, direct action. Show off a bit, so somepony gets it into her head that I can fend just fine for myself." Applejack shot a glare in Rainbow Dash's direction, and then returned to smiling down at Rarity.
"Mission accomplished!" Rainbow Dash threw away the menu she'd been hiding behind and pumped a hoof.
"Um." Fluttershy stuck her head out of the break room. "Does that mean I can take off this moustache- oh!" She stared at the little tableau at Applejack and Rarity's table. "This is getting complicated."
"If by complicated, you mean 'sexy awesome,' then yes." Rainbow Dash said.
"But. Um. Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy scooted up next to the other pegasus and whispered, "How is this supposed to help Rarity break up with Applejack?"
"Why would we want to split them up? I just went through all this trouble to get them together! Writing poetry's not easy, you know!" Rainbow Dash's voice echoed from the walls of the diner.
"What?" Rarity wriggled out of Applejack's embrace, finally regaining her breath. "Fluttershy, is that true? Have you been helping Rainbow Dash all along?"
"I don't know!" Fluttershy hid her face in her hooves.
"Hold up," Applejack said, "this don't make any sense. Why'd Rarity wanna break up with me when we've barely even started gettin' all relationshippy."
"Um. Well." Fluttershy opened one eye, just a little bit, "I think it was because Rarity said that there were a whole bunch of misunderstandings and those have lead to more misunderstandings and then whenever she tried to bring up the subject you just kept on getting more and more, um, interested. At least, um, that's what I've been noticing. I could be wrong. Please don't be mad at me!"
"Don't worry, Fluttershy. Ain't nobody's mad at you." Applejack said. She looked over her shoulder at Rarity and pulled in a deep breath. "But...I just wanna hear it straight from the horse's mouth, 'cuz it sounds like nopony's got the full story here. 'Cept you, maybe. This all true? Were ya really doin' all this ta break up with me?"
Rarity winced. "Well, yes, but-"
"Alright then." Applejack said, and pulled the brim of her hat down. "That's it, then. Wish ya woulda told me before. Coulda saved me a lotta--"
"Stop interrupting me!" Rarity said, frustrated, "that's how we got into this whole mess in the first place! Every time I tried to tell you exactly what was going on, you never let me finish!"
"Ain't my fault every time ya said somethin' ya got all swoony and dramatical!"
"I am not 'swoony' and 'dramatical.' In fact, those aren't even real words!"
"Well, excuse me iffin' I ain't up to your fancypants vocabulizin'. Or maybe I just ain't refined enough for you, issat it?"
"That's not what I said!" Rarity scowled. "Honestly, Applejack, you're making this entirely too difficult."
"Am I? Well, fine!" Applejack spat, "ya wanna make it easy? I'll make it easy. Iffin' you wanted ta break up with me, then all ya had to do is say so." The cowpony breathed in deeply, and then turned her back on Rarity. "Might as well end it now 'fore it gets any more embarassin'." Without waiting for the unicorn's reply, Applejack trotted out of the diner.
"Fine!" Rarity shouted at the closing door. The restaurant remained quiet for a few moments as the few patrons present all turned their attention to Rarity. "What're you all looking at?" she demanded of them, her voice emotional and shrill.
"Um. Rarity? Are you okay?" Fluttershy murmured.
"Absolutely not!" Rarity pounded the table hard enough to splinter the wood. "Can't you see what a delicate emotional state I am in?"
"Eek!" Fluttershy hid behind Rainbow Dash.
"My apologies, Fluttershy." Rarity rubbed at her eyes, where tears of frustration certainly were not beginning to threaten her carefully applied makeup. "It's just this whole evening's gone in a direction I wasn't planning on, and . . . I just don't know what to do next!"
"Need some help?" Rainbow Dash said, "'cause I've got an awesome new plan lined up. All we're going to need is a dozen roses, a whole bunch of rope, and a mandolin."
The corner of Rarity's eye began to twitch as she glared at Rainbow Dash.
"I'll...take that as a no."