Seems pretty good.

Rainbow went to college!!!!!

I cant wait to see what becomes of this

Hmm.... seems a little rushed and needs some polish, but not bad for your first fic. Keep working on it. There are some grammar issues that need fixing. For example, you should really separate lines of dialogue with some space, rather than having them in the same paragraph.

I agree with Lloxie about starting new paragraphs for new dialogue.  However, I really like your narration style.  you convey the emotion of the scene very nicely.  Not too overbearing, not too subtle.  I think you've got a good thing going here.  Keep up the good work.    

I'm wondering if this fic is going to be exclusively Twi/Dash or if Pinkie Pie will get involved and 'not help'.  

i'll track and see how this plays out. im not a writer so i cant comment in that area but as far as the way it felt to read i had no problem with it. easy on the eyes for lack of a better term.

Nice start for a first fic. Lloxie is definitely right about the structure of dialog. In general, only one character speaks in a given paragraph... though you can have multiple characters doing something. Just remember, the only way to get better is to keep working... though, as I said before, this is a great start for a first fic.

I'll be watching.

when can you pump out more?

Aside from what others have said, I think the dialog was a little rushed, and I'm not sure how they're supposed to trot 'hoof in hoof' (or hold hooves, for that matter); you might want to try and come up with something that would be more natural for ponies (have Twilight nuzzle rainbow dash instead of 'taking her hoof', for example)  The characterization seems good so far though, and I liked how Twilight took the first move.  Interested in seeing more, keep on keeping on, etc.

Honestly, it was a bit rushed, and I could put a bit more polish into it. I will probably have a new chapter tomorrow or Monday, and I am taking all of your suggestions into account. Thanks for all of the feedback!

I think it starts to intresting even I feel it is a little rushing. I guess Rarity and Applejack will have some problems to admit Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash's relation ship but it's good to there will be Lyra and Bon Bon in the strory.

Much better.  This chapter flows much more nicely than the previous one. I see you haven't lost your touch for gentle conveyance of emotion.  

I'd like to see some more Twi/Dash dialogue in future chapters.  Here it's a little sparse because they're nervous and that's natural.  But from here on, there should be some more dialogue.  Here there were a lot of narrative transitions and that's okay for this chapter.

Track

Bon Bon and Rainbow dash had got some matured adventure in the past? That's new but I can say I like it just like how Rainbow Dash was worring about how Twilight will react once she hears the story. Originally I thought Twilight would worried mutch about relation ship but I guess here it's Rainbow Dash's job. ;)

*insert track and 5 stars here*

Win win win win. Your story is made out of win.

@end

giggity

thats your first its pritty good if u ask me but im a sucker for twidash stories

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeHUQAnzpF0

I'm sorry but when Twilight told Spike to get back into the kitchen I just couldn't help myself and laughed as loud as possible.

Pretty good, but you must work on how you use dialogue by creating new lines with each line of dialogue unless it's connected to the same person. If it changes, you put double space then indent before you start the dialogue again for a different person talking. Take a look at my fan fics for examples ^^. Hope this helps.

Nothing! HA!

well this is definitely coming along nicely, can't wait for more!

OHNOES!! I forgot to track this D:

Anyways, Great job, this is turning out even better than expected

and I see that you played out the college thing ;)

after reading the first chapter, I can say.

Slow down, take your time with the dialog, and Skip a line when ever some one new talks, that way it is easier for the readers to fallow.

Nice, loved the little back story with Bonbon and Dash, that was new and welcome to see Good work.

but you are Rushing the Relationship to fast I think,  and when stories get rushed it is hard for the writer to hit the target there aiming for, well that's how it hit me any way LOL

this is getting better with each chapter you should be proud of your self good work.  But I still feel the relationship was rushed, but I still look forward to the next chapter with a smile

Chapter 1: D'awwwwwwww

Chapter 2: Hahaha! Twi's reaction to that story was hilarious. Maybe a bit fast on the relationship side, especially with Bon Bon right there, but Twi isn't exactly well versed in PDI

Chapter 3: decision made, tracking story now.

It was much easier to follow the story now that you've separated the speech, excellent work. As others have said, this gets better each chapter, I'm definately looking forward to more!

You're definitely getting better with each chapter, so good job!  It's easy to stagnate and not improve, so I'm glad you're not doing that.  You're updating pretty rapidly too, which is always a plus.  My main complaint would be that the pacing of events still feels a little rushed - Twilight hears about Dash's sexytimes in college and immediately jumps her? Twilight and Rainbow Dash get up, eat breakfast, and then are so exhausted from talking to pinkie that they need a nap?  I guess they could still be tired from the night before, but if so that should have been established earlier.  Everyone's still acting in character and the dialogue's good though, so it's not a huge problem.  I'm looking forward to the next chapter - there's a lot of potential in seeing their friends' reactions, as long as you don't fall into the trap of "Twi and Dash tell everyone at once, one line of response for each" that sometimes happens in these stories.

Just amazing man. I think you gave me a idea for a Twi-Dash fanfic. Danke! (Thank you in german, I took seven years of it throughout elementry school) o.o

I'm sorry for anyone who had the story marked as unread after reading the first time. A glitch in the site seemed to have reset the story so it hadn't been released, and removed any views or comments. Once again, sorry for the inconvenience.

Well, to bad my older comments did not get deleted, because you are doing great! the story is sweet and feels more real now, and I am really Liking it. Good work, you unproved so much, and so fast.

I only wish the chapters were longer    Keep up the great work.'

Okay, I think the story is pretty good so far, especially for a first fic, but there are some things I need to address.

(These are my opinions, do not pay any attention to them if you do not wish, they're just my suggestions.)

First off, the dialog looks better, now that you're starting a new paragraph with each new person speaking.  That is good, because any improvement is good, even if it is minor.  Next, which is largely my opinion, the whole relationship  seems rushed.  I mean, it kinda just came out of the blue, you'd think there would be more to it.  Nope, and even on the same day they are out eating and talking about the relationship?  I may have missed it in the first chapter, but I didn't notice it saying Twilight liked Dash too, just her saying she was interested.  I really don't see were this relationship spawned from so quickly.  This brings me to another thing, It says Dash is going to chose between her reputation or Twilight, I would assume this means she's afraid to let others know about the relationship.  Yet, she drapes her wing over twilight  and talks of it openly in public.  Now I may not have read far enough in the story for this conflict to occur, so you may just have to disregard that in general ( sorry if that is so )

Okay, next thing, that would have to be the kiss.  I must say, that part took one hell of a leap in their relationship, and I am quite confused as to were it came from.  Again, Twilight was interested, not head over heels in love, and yet after one dinner together and that story with Bon- Bon, Twilight was all over Dash.  Now I have no idea why that story would cause Twi to be filled with lust for Dash, and frankly I find it quite odd.  Again, that one part was one hell of a leap, it felt as if you skipped right over  parts of the story were the two's love could slowly grow for one another.  Where they could spend more time with each other and nurture the relationship, and then come to that point.  Not just happen abruptly and out of no where.

My biggest qualm with it is that it just seems rushed, in the future, try and slow things down a tad.

And so ends my long comment, wow that took way longer than it should have... and sorry for the length

Again, these are just my opinions, and I mean no misgivings by them, they're just my thoughts on the story.  

Oh wow, this chapter really improved a lot of things, I am quite impressed ^^

Sorry if this is a double post, it probably is, so sorry

Aside from what I said last about the rushing, this chapter was a lot better, and I really enjoyed it   Anyways the other comments already took what I was going to say, so listen to them.

Wow... again!  Just totally disregard my other comments from before, you seem to improve so much with each chapter!  Now the conflict seems to be appearing, and it has slowed down (I should probably have read the whole story before commenting ).  Anyways I am tracking this and look forward to see how much you improve in the next installment

My only suggestion is that you need to start a new paragraph every time a different character begins to talk in a conversation

It helps the reader keep an understanding of who's saying what

Other than that keep up the good work

I made that comment without realizing you already corrected that error

Anyway keep up the good work

ahh, the best pairing in MLP!

x ftw

This may be surprising, but Twi x Dash are not my favorite fics. Don't get me wrong, they are one of my top choices, but I personally prefer Vinyl x Octavia. (Note: Idea for second fic...)

>>4114941149 whats your top ship for Twilight and Rainbow?

mine is TwiDash :P

It's very well-written. Sometimes it can be a hard balance to fit the theme of FiM, but this is done well. The word-choice is a bit simplistic but it feels like it's right for it to be that way.

Thank you for the shout-out bud. I really loved that you took my advice and made your story look a bunch better! You out did yourself this time! I wil have chapter 2 of my Twi-Dash fic up later today ;D Keep up the good work!

Bon Bon relationship counselorCall our toll free number and make an appointment today!

>>4940849408

Just ask our handy secretary Lyra about any information you might need!

Nice chapter, I can now say that the conflict has arrived, and the story is now so much better, yay!

CURE YOU RAINBOWDASH! BEING ALL SELF-CONCEITED!

(It makes me sad )

Although, I really don't see how Twilight's plan is going to help.  She's going to go to each of her friends and telling them about her relationship with Dash, and then have them show Dash that it doesn't matter what others think? (Is that the plan, I may be wrong)  If it is, then I am interested as to how this is going to work out ^^

Then comes to the point with Dash, if his is how she has her priorities set, then it begs me to question if there was any love at all.  It says how Rainbow has always been looking a Twilight (I assume this means she was interested), and always liked her.  Yet, she doesn't like the thought of being known as a filly-fooler, how did she think this was going to work out?  With a mentality like hers, why is she even interested in mares if she thinks it'll destroy her rep?  That thought put the whole 'relationship' in question for me.

Besides that, your writing seems to have drastically improved!  The chapter flows well, and I didn't see any glaring grammatical mistakes, another yay! I will continue to follow this story

>>4946149461

Darn it, I meant curse

>>4945449454

Our Normie Business hours are 7-6, an walk ins are welcome on Tuesday's.  And if you are un sure pleas feel free to read our anonymous client reviews.

" Doctor Bon Bon, helped The Great and Powerful Anonymous, over come her self conscious felling about being rejected, and now Anonymous is happy with her New Great and Fabulous, Assistant and Mearfriend!

"When I came to Doctor Bon Bon, I was really shy, and I had a really hard time telling anypony how I felt, but after a few visit's I can Tell the pony I love how I really feel, and now we watch the sun set over the apple trees every day. I really think you should give Doctor Bon Bon a chant's. I am if you want to that is....

>>4951049510

Dude, you could write a fic off of this!

>>4953349533

LOL you can have the Idea if you like, I have a story already. or if you like we can do a co-story.

That was a really good chapter

Hoorah!

But now I have to wait for the next one

Haroo!

I like this

my brain doesn't

Brain, we're all gonna burn for what we did to you.

-( seriously i don't know why i'm still alive, i should've died from faggotry overdose a few moments ago )

BTW I like this plot. This is so far the only shipping story that I didn't read with overly dramatic music or any stupid shit.

Fast paced, no conflict at all between Twilight and Rainbow before immediately jumping into things. Also, you should really make a new paragraph when you change who is speaking.

Now that's just adorable :D

Flow needs work but c'mon I enjoy that Twilight here is being assertive and towards Rainbow Dash no less. Awesome sauce!

I'm shocked the plan went well!

:)

Very nicely written chapter, one down two to go.

d'awwww

Awww, I was expecting wacky hijinx. Or at least some hilarity ensuing.

Still, this was a really nicely written chapter, so I can't complain.

I know everypony expected hijinks, but that's only two of the four down. We also have the whole town to tell, and there may be quite a scene...

When a character thinks something, try distinguishing it from the rest of the text. Use italics, bold, even apostrophes if need be.

Not bad of a chapter. If I could rate chapters specifically id give this a good 3.6-3.7.

Twilight I see what you did thar!

Well, I can say that my soul is not at ease knowing that Twilight's plan worked out. Even if it was just stage one.

I can also say that I am enjoying the story very much ^^

Keep on posting the chapters when you can, there really isn't any rush.  As long as they keep coming out the way they are, it doesn't matter.

D'awwww, that was cute

Very nice fanfic! I enjoy it so far. You inspired me to write my own "Dear future Teteros" note-to-self, Tracking

Firstly, thanks everypony who left feedback, or even just a comment. I would like to say that the story has now reached OVER 9000 VIEWS!!!1!1!!1. Thank you everyone for reading, and more will be coming!

YAY IT'S BACK!!!!!!

Great chapter man, still lovin this story!

yus

YES!!!

YES!!!

YES!!!

FINALLY !!!

YES new chapter!

and really well written no less.

keep up the good work!

What the awesome people above me said

Regardless, this is a new development - Twilight? Nature? Enjoyment was had?  Vast amounts of time where spent?  A new branch of the adorkable Twilight has grown, the environmentalist.  What will come of this?  Most likely bird watching...

Also,  I can picture the infant Twi not only bringing with her the necessary camping equipment, but also a quantity of no doubt quirky gadgets and gizmos  with which unneeded experiments and unfounded studies will be carried out, produced by her yet undeveloped mind.  

Ugh... why am I typing like this?

its back!

Guess what's back?

Back again?

Skwoogle's back

Tell a friend

But this chapter is so full of daw it's great :D

>>107303107303

>>107361107361

>>107379107379

>>107408107408

>>107492107492

>>107617107617

Everything they said.

This is awesome

>>107848107848

And this guy too.

(Sorry, I didn't see ya when pressing the reply buttons)

>>108282108282

Special post for me!

Have a thousand internet points, on the condition that you don't wait so long to get the next chapter out.

The next chapter will be out sooner, the issue is all of the school work I have. I'm on a flight to Disney for the half marathon tomorrow, so I will be able to write quite a bit (the flight from Toronto to Orlando is a good 2.5 hours).

Thank you all for the positive comments, it make all of the writing worth it!

>>108410108410        >>108377108377        >>108282108282        >>107617107617        >>107492107492        >>107408107408         >>107379107379

>>107361107361        >>107303107303

awesome

I feel dash is being  a little to self centered about ti all, it is almost to the point of being dragged out..

Confound these authors they drive me to read at 4 am

anyway glad the story is back i missed it

Now everypony report to fimfiction (x3)

Now stop...

Its Autumn time

Okay little Bronies on woogle's lap

Guess who's back with a brand new chap

yeah i killed it

Wow this was a funny episode. I guess Rainbow Dash will soon tell the other three ponies (pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity) that she and Twilight Sparkle are dating.

>>166245166245

But remember, Pinkie was the first to know. You'll see...

I find it odd, Dash is hiding form her friends, but will walk down the street with Twi under her wing and kissing her?

>>166284166284

In chapter 7, I mentioned how she seemed to be getting better. She seems to care less about what everypony else says, and more about what her friends think. It also is later, when most ponies would be at home. The sun is setting, and I know there aren't a lot of people outside here in the autumn at that time. Finally, I think of the wing thing almost as if you were to offer your coat to someone. It's cold out, and the feathers would be quite insulating.

The pivotal moment of confessions... They come...

Also...

@end

Bow chicka wow wow~

cool chapter bro

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/6923e30ab2823c316c69669a640c1471/28907%20-%20DO_IT_FILLY%20Lyra%20irrational_exuberance.jpg

RD lookin to get some?

YAY!!! ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!

Good work, still loving this story

Meh. Not really feeling this story, things don't flow, characters seem wrong, relationships rushed. Sorry but I stopped reading after this chapter.

Looks like we'll be doing it alone Dash...

O_O the wording...

>>175282175282

How do you know it was not intentional......-.-

>>166284166284

Yeah that does seem a bit strange...Hey, you have your own Twidash to write what are you doing here, I've been waiting for like a month for a new chapter.

As for the story, overall it's shaping up really nicely, look forward to more.

Why do I have to like shipping? This story is great

I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

Okay, that's WAY too soon, but a good story nonetheless.

I approve of all these chapters!!

>>4104941049

Image: http://t.qkme.me/4o0r.jpg

it sais imcomplete...

PLEASE FINISH IT I MUST KEEP READING

out of all the shipping stories on fimfic, this is my favorite

keep going please its killing me

Image: http://i1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb461/LegionScavenger/why.jpg

*Wrong pony, I know but the point still stands.

>>331418331418

I'm sorry, but it was my plan all along. You'll just have to wait to see what will come next...