- Member Since 23rd Sep, 2011
- offline last seen Apr 18th, 2021
bendelsohn
I am the ginger brony. I occasionally write some stuff about ponies. Most of it is trollfiction. Some of it is actually a little bit good.
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Why is this happening?
What caused events to come to this point?
Why the HELL would Twilight fight CELESTIA of all ponies? For ANY reason?
You need to answer this before this story can be good.
MOAR@ Make a prequel and sequel!
Imust save this to my list. This sounds incredibly heart-breaking and awesome
Reasonably written but without any prior explanation or leadup to the battle there really isn't much emotional involvement. Nor is it explained why it is necessary to perform this ritual other than the 'it's tradition' excuse.
just one word WOW
Why *click* won't *click* this *click* story *click* LOAD!?!? *clickclickclickclickclick*
Interesting, but as stated before, we don't have much of a reason to even care about 'the rite' or anything else involved because we don't know why it's even around in the first place. 'The rite' is never explained and just seems to be there, and Celestia fighting Twilight just seems incredibly unlikely.
A noble effort, but it'll need more in the future.
Great concept but it is missing any sort of build up that would of made it a five star story otherwise. Perhaps this should be a start of a story where in you go backwards to tell the actions resulting in the intro. I always love those but even if you do not follow up on this I must say it was an enjoyable read and concept I have yet to see done. I quite enjoyed it and you will receive a solid 4 star rating from this reader and many wishes for the fiction to continue. I look forward to your future efforts!
im sad noe I hate you
Bit too sudden and out of character without explanation to be engaging, but a decent enough read for someone with a minute or two to spare. Since it only takes that long to read :P
Okay, good show. That was well-written, and I only noticed the odd mistake.
As others have said, some elaboration on the events leading up to the rite of passage would be welcome, as would an epilogue.
Considering, as you said, that this is the first non-trollfic you've written, it shows that some trolls actually do have skill, and I'm glad this troll has chosen to try something serious.
Good effort, but it lacks the elaboration and build up necessarily to make it truly effective. Keep writing!
you celestias dead ...... oh and what the others said
OOC, nuff said.
Still a good read however.
This is horribly horribly OOC and has absolutely no reason to take place. There's absolutely no context or explanation given, and it doesn't fit properly with a great many elements from the show. It's not even particularly well written. This story simply doesn't need to exist.
Are you sure this isn't a trollfic? It's certainly bad enough to be one...
Thank you all for the feedback (even you, HtMD, even if that last bit was uncalled for)! I wrote this mostly as an experiment to see if I actually had any talent for real writing. I have to say, I think the result could have been much worse. Most likely, some kind of prequel will happen at some point. It might take a while though. Because of how OOC this is, coming up with a logical back story could be a challenge.
I like it but I have to agree with HtMD you really need to expand on this.
But its a change from all those confounded happy go lucky pony stories :3
Nice.
“I just copied you DNA. If you die, I can use this information to make a copy of you. It will be physically identical to you in every way, but without the memories of what I’m telling you now. Instead, it will have false memories of what it did in Canterlot.”
Celestia began again. “You are fired from your position as my advisor. Please pack your belongings and leave the castle by noon tomorrow.”
Celestia knew exactly what the curse meant she had to do. She could feel the message being sent into her thoughts. For the rest of her life, she would have to kill anyone who would take her soul.
images.google.com/imgres?q=trololo+man&hl=en&biw=1366&bih=638&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=327SpTZhmlGg-M:&imgrefurl=http://www.paulandstorm.com/archives/show-080-the-man-who-buys-the-carpet/&docid=50hMSCxd7WdrOM&imgurl=http://www.paulandstorm.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/0.jpeg&w=480&h=360&ei=7Q7fTq75KsXLhAfnsoyKBQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=392&vpy=151&dur=1236&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=127&ty=100&sig=103733434116259828552&page=1&tbnh=137&tbnw=183&start=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0
----
On a more serious note, it was alright. Gave a bit of a background to the original chapter. There are a few little spelling and grammar errors throughout, The story itself is pretty darn unbelievable though. It's a very far out concept. Twilight is a good bit more in character in this chapter. Celestia not so much. I think you put a bit too much effort trying to cover the shortcomings. E.g. In having Celestia say that she can recreate Twilight with new memories if she fails. Which defeats the purpose of this whole thing, because she can mass produce Twilight to fight her anyways...
The Star Swirl and Discord bits are interesting, I like the idea of Discord cursing Celestia in this way and seeing how she would cope, but using Discords soul was a poor move as technically he comes back. Surely he couldn't do that without a soul of his own, no? Also, Star Swirl sounded older and more in tune with politics and therefore would be more able to take on royal duties, whereas Twilight wouldn't have a clue based off of what we've seen. Final point on this... where was Luna, and why wasn't she informed of the fight between Celestia and Twi? :S Would she not have a massive role in her sisters attempted suicide? Especially seeing as it revolves around granting another the powers of Celestia. :P
All in all a decent read. Not the best, far from the worst. 3/5 Just need to work on characterization and keeping it consistent throughout the story.
“I just copied you DNA. If you die, I can use this information to make a copy of you. It will be physically identical to you in every way, but without the memories of what I’m telling you now. Instead, it will have false memories of what it did in Canterlot.”
Celestia began again. “You are fired from your position as my advisor. Please pack your belongings and leave the castle by noon tomorrow.”
Celestia knew exactly what the curse meant she had to do. She could feel the message being sent into her thoughts. For the rest of her life, she would have to kill anyone who would take her soul.
cdn3.hark.com/images/000/033/471/33471/original.0
Derped the image for this bit in the last post.
Hmm it is nice that you went to the lengths to explain it, but it still feels unnecessarily grimdark (the curse really doesn't make much sense). I would've just said that it was customary every 300 years or so for Celestia to battle with whoever was regarded as the most suitable ruler, who would take their alicorn powers if they won (but didn't kill them).
55262
>mfw I didn't think of mass producable Twilight fallacy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Vh6cD4OaFc&feature=related
GAH. I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE SURE THERE WERE NO OBVIOUS SECOND WAYS OUT.
Please excuse me while I go demolish the first building I see.
????
WE ARE CONFUSED BY THIS.
TWILIGHT YOUR TAKE:
now we just need the sequel
59039
Not likely to happen, unless I really get a lot of feedback that indicates I should.
It is moar epic then Chuck Norris!!
155676
Blasphemy!!!!
have a sequel of twilight bringing back celestia. twould be awsome
that is in my opinionwould love to see how its done.