well, for what my writing advice means anything (which it really doesnt since my works... are crap.).  This is a giant wall of text. Try splitting it up every once in awhile so its easier on the eyes.

Pretty good!

Punctuationn and capitilization errors everwhere! I'd receommend getting those fixed. Overall, it's a good story that I'd love you to add to soon.

>>688215688215 Thanks, I hope to add another chapter tomorrow and continue adding them once a week. Actually glad someone is enjoying this i'll be honest my heart sank when I heard the dislike bar raise

I'm liking this, i can picture it in my mind :D

>>688260688260 Thanks....I think

>>688246688246 I clicked the like button. I really know how you feel. On the first one I submitted, I currently have, like, 10 likes and 11 dislikes. it's so irritating! It made me sad to see so many dislikes. A couple wouldn't be too bad for me, but once it got more dislikes than likes, it started getting a little bit depressing.

You'll improve over time, just like me and everyone else. I'm always glad to give out tips. That doesn't mean I'm any better at writing than you, because I'm not, I just always did my G.U.M. homework and always read things on how to improve writing skills. Sometimes I wish it was as easy to improve writing as it is for Sims.

This looks great, is this going to be like MLD? If it is, i'm fine with that. If you need any help just ask me and I will do my best. Good luck!

Oh yea, I forgot, approximately how old is the Rainbow Dash in this story, is she the same age as the show? If so she would be heavier than 15 pounds. I'd say mabey 100-150 in my opnion.

>>688319688319

My welcome?

Anyway; good original idea, not the best grammar, but nobody's perfect, and you haven't written a 'dead end'ing at the end of the chapter. I suggest you find a pre-reader if you want get all of those mistakes that your own eyes ignore. Keep up the good work though!

I'm following and really curious to see where this goes.

Great chapter.  

somehow is this a bit like my little dashie ??

Yay! Another chapter!

>>690854690854 let me guess mat has the mane six

Never expected that!   Keep up the awesome work!

Wow! Your typing out chapters fast!  Keep going, I must know how this story turns out.

>>698902698902 Thanks, I plan to upload the next one by Sunday, and upload them once a week. Thanks for reading

I like how this story has been so far, keep up the good work... I mean... if that's o.k with you.

So I was wondering if you are going to be putting out chapters everyday.  I hope so.

yay another chapter!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

this story is really good. please continue

yay applejack!!!

Another Brilliant Chapter!

This story should get featured, seriously its the third most captivating story I've read on this site!  (please don't be offended by third, because the other 2 are EXTREMLEY good).

I might also add that this story is proceeding at an ideal pace, not rushed but not dragged out too much either.  

I am looking forward to more awesomeness from you!

(PS  I noticed particulary [did I spell that right?] in your earlier chapters that people were giving you a hard time about grammar and punctuation.  DON'T let them get you down as I haven't spotted any errors so far that would compromise someone's understanding of what's happening in the story, and that's all that matters)

yay exsplaination time

Image: http://www.theminimalists.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Explanation.jpg

One! One demotivational! Ah Ah Ah!

so much Dashie win

sir if you keep this up... i dont know how much more daaaw i can take before my heart gives way

>>790544790544>>795411795411

I know the meme but are you guys doing this cause the main charecter has a heart problem also? BTW this chapter was released on my B-day so thanks for the awsome gift!

>>801461801461 nope i had actually forgotten about his heart problem when i posted that

>>801461801461

Then may I say Happy birthday, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

Death is watching.

15 pounds? Celestia damn, if she is a normal sized Pony then i'd guess like 300 lbs(If she had bigger wings), and 4 ft tall.

PUNY PONY, HUMAN SMASH YOU!

Feed the shy.

Applejack is success pony.

The cutest ever.... fucking d'awwwwww, HNNNNNNGH!

In case your wondering, no this is not the last chapter. Far from it in fact.

If you don't already feel free to read my bio. There you can ask questions I don't answer here in the comments.

Thanks for the read guys, please like/favorite this story so we can try to get this bad boy featured

>>829229829229

Cool comment bro.

>>829364829364

Image: http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0/0/2/4/2/9/5/0/damn-straight-43659033712.jpeg

love this story, keep going dude

Can i make aguess to the reference may have been morning star shime song by hair

“In my opinion the surgery was a complete success, congratulations”

Image: http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/gallery/aww-yea-guy/aww-yea-meme-original.jpg

Cancer can eat shit and die! I just lost my grandfather to stage 4 liver cancer in March

Corbin Lee Miller R.I.P.

Great procced to the next chapter

awesome story!! cant wait to read more.

>>832003832003 I'm sorry for your loss

I appreciate the input on my story and I only hope you continue to enjoy it.

>>830670830670 No, in all honesty I hadn't even noticed that reference you mentioned.

Thanks for keeping up with my story by the way, it really means a lot

>>851748851748 oh.....well then *slowly retreats back into the shadows*

If you need help I'm willing to edit. If you decide to use me send me a message and ill get back to you to work out the details

awesome chapter man! can't wait for more!

>>864661864661

I just may do that thanks. (Sorry it took me so long to reply, had some family issues I had to take care of)

>>887662887662 its fine and of you do decide to use my help send me a private message and ill get back to you to work stuff out

What can be said about this chapter?

I actually enjoyed typing it but am a little nervous on what you guys think. As I said earlier, if you could please leave a comment telling me what you think, it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, the next chapter might come out a little late next week, since I have a bit of writers block.

noooooo next week well better buy popcorn and cola because this is going to be a long week without the next chapter

Despite your apprehensive mood toward this chapter I liked it. I can only imagine what the news is about.

i think this is going to be good

>>904478904478 it was a really good chapter

Let me guess, Pinkie Pie is on the news

Oh noes Pinkies ln the news !!!!!

Shit just got real

this chapter was really good. i don't see why your so iffy on it but i think it's great . can't wait for next week to see what it is on the news that was so important.

stache for you

THAT would be a shit-storm.

It was good but the whole Pony X Human thing makes me a bit uncomfortable... But I got over it; this fic is too good to give up on!

Phew.... I thought that shit was about to go down.... LET THE HAPPY TIMES CONTINUE!

Guys liking girls?! Woh, man, that is like totally wierd.  As long as their sentient and act alike to Humans.... then they're all the same to me.... GIVE ME SOME OF THAT RAINBOW DASH!  

Kissy kissy.... with....Rainbow Dash....mmm, OHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH.  Then bad news on tv.... what the hey, man way to ruin the great mood.

I really f****** liked that chapter. Keep up the good work, i'm proud to be your Chairman!

FUAAAAAAARKKK

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOdmELly0AU

>>904478904478

Ok, I saw several errors that can be easily rectified, hope this helps.

We shared a long hearty laugh for a moment before I soon caught myself staring into the ruby red eyes of the Pegasus Rainbow Dash has violet or purple eyes.

And near the top when Rainbow Dash says that somepony spread the rumor she is a filly fooler (comicon why????) there is a new line in the middle of a paragraph. On a related note please indent every time you make a new line, even for dialouge.

I hope I have helped and one more thing, please don't make this a clop fic.

Hmm... I wish I came sooner.

Plot wise, I have not criticisms. However, the main thing I have issue with in this chapter is the punctuation. You missed a lot of ending periods, commas after the end of speaking parts, and at one place, put "your" instead of "you're". Nothing serious, but little things that distracted me.

Either way, I will continue to read... hopefully not a week after a chapter is posted...

I know it's short. I know it isn't by best chapter; but it's all I got for right now.

You try dealing with writers block for a week with no way of getting over it as well as family stress I'm not going to go into

Big thanks to Sonic Flameboom for helping me through is chapter, without him you wouldn't even be getting this...

I hope this family drama will be done by next week so I can continue but if not I have another little project I'm planning to post to make up for it. Also, please read my blog, I put more of update there instead of here...

Till next week (or whenever)

-Matthias (SonicsDemon)

>>930460930460

1) I'm not a clopfic writer. So you don't have to worry about that.

2) Thanks for letting me know about the eyes. Dont know why I thought they were ruby.

>>938947938947

Sorry about the whole punctuation thing. My computer likes to auto-correct for me sometimes even when I don't notice. THAT and sometimes I get too into the moment to realize I put the wrong form of "your". Hope you continue to enjoy the story.

oh dear

>>939479939479

Anytime!  

I know this is wierd criticising my own input but you should probaly change the following:

"I wondered whether she liked Matthew in a similar way to how Rainbow liked me"

It makes more sense that way (in my opinion anyway).  The original way I wrote it sounds kind of lame.

That was a very heartfelt moment, and for the record... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW

>>939479939479 Well, I do not want to start your story for you, but now there are a lot of different paths you can go from here. When I have writer's block, I do a brainstorm of all of the things I could do with the story. For instance, you can do random pony choices for who is in the estate, then make a brainstorm of all you can do to have the audience enjoy the encounter. (Suspense, False-identification, etc.) Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.

I don't have an image to obnoxiously point out that this chapter was indeed short, albeit well done, so have some unrelated:

Image: http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/funny-gifs-the-appropriate-nwa-song.gif

Is It Rarity?

love this story!!! its by far one of my favorites. i cant wait for the next chapter. awesome work.

Oh... Sounds like we're going to have a nice helping of didn't-see-that-coming.

>>939509939509

No problem, hope I was helpful and nice with the not so sublte Doctor Who refrence. It would have been much easier to use the sonic.

take this you deserve it

Its either pinkie or rarity

Oh no!

will read later

mostly because i am about to pass out

Aww... I jelly.

nice chapter.

>>10240621024062

Image: http://www.morethings.com/fan/boondocks/return_of_stinkmeaner170.jpg

Actual comment

Daww.

>>10246181024618 Your comments have yet to prevent me from laughing. Thanks for keeping up with the story my friend

>>10248431024843

Glad to see at least one person entertained by my antics. By the way, if you ever need an extra proof-reader/pre-reader, hit me up.

Want some unrelated? Here ya go:

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S_5HXcpLekI/AAAAAAABShE/w5JW8u_2j4g/s400/Haters_Gonna_Hate_23.jpg

>>10248761024876 I just might do that, thanks

>>10248951024895

Cool. You got a skype, per chance? Mine is kinda lonely, considering I made it at like exactly midnight last night. (Not joking, as soon as I got done, my computer said "00:00" and I'm like "that shit can't be a coincidence lol")

Moozik:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rc_ZnX_23KI

>>10249171024917 Ya, I do. However I have no idea how to add people..

>>10249261024926

Give me your skype name thingy and I'll add you.

>>10249911024991 sonicfishstudios. I made it with a buddy

I dunno, he jumps to calling her AJ way too quickly.

Good story so far otherwise. There were another few problems I noticed but nothing major

scrubs

that is the reference

doctor dorian

scrubs.

>>10273731027373 THANK YOU! My God finally someone got the reference. You win my respect points my friend

hm some what short chapter has me unanused BUT STILL THIS STORY IS FUCKIN AWESOME!