An attempt to try a rekindle that old flame... try being the optimum word.
Twilight Sparkle has been a princess for some time now and Celestia thinks it is about time she had someone to care for her needs since she is too busy going places where the map knows where they are needed. So she hires one of the best butlers from an organisation called "True Valets", A butler company that only serves the best and is highly recommended among all who can afford it.
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The butler and hell part I first thought it was from Hellsing ultimate xD
Good story and you could continue with this one for a long time. I did catch some mistakes. " He stopped all causes in such a short time " is an odd expression and doesn't make much sense. How about "but he stopped them already" ? First sentence "around" should be "on" and "looking worried for the poor mare..." should be "worriedly at..." or something of that sort. Saw some tense conflicts and a 'their' that should have been 'they're' and stuff like that but it isn't enough to make it unreadable.
Like I said; the idea and the overall writing is good. Twi should have a servant or two. Keep going.
6598952 Really? Because that is a rather famous quote from the anime "Black Butler"... spoiler, the butler is actually a demon. That's right, it's a pun.
t08.deviantart.net/eLs6LFNqG-ecNXcWNMhHeetsRJI=/300x200/filters:fixed_height(100,100):origin()/pre12/65d3/th/pre/f/2014/161/9/f/sebastian_michaelis_i_am_one_hell_of_a_butler_by_bakura108-d7ls736.jpg
Though, of course, this story probably isn't going to do that... that would be blatant crossover material and this has no crossover tag.
6599114 never watched that show.. I'll watch it when I finish soul eater
Aw, I was hoping it would be Sebastian, but he will suffice I suppose. Looking forward to the next chapters!
If I couldn't spread the magic of friendship, what kind of a butler would I be?
OK, the story has my interest. :| *follow!*
This isn't too bad at all. As MLP is about friendship, I'd like to see Twilight help this guy discover friendship. He clearly takes his job very seriously and I doubt that leaves him any time to connect with other people. That's just a thought.
Has potential. If it's really inspired by Black Butler in significant plot/motivation-related ways, it will need a Dark tag pretty quickly, of course.
Excellent first chapter. You have captured my attention.
Oh yeah! I liken this!
Half feels like it should have a crossover tag, but otherwise, it seems like a decent concept. Work on the technical parts of your writing, though. The grammar isn't all that great in some places, while in others, you straight-out drop the punctuation. Near the end, there's a section where you completely forego the quotation marks on the dialogue.
Hmhm... lets see some more of this.
Well...as long as we don't see death scythes that are actually chainsaws then this thing shouldn't need a crossover tag.
I have to watch Black Butler now, so I'm adding that to my already long list of things to watch/read. Thanks!
I like it, I like it, though that ending was a bit rushed...otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.
I think the whole "what's going on" thing distracted from the flow. None the less it has interesting potential if handled correctly.
This would make an excellent later chapter, but at the moment it follows the "lets get everything out of the way and not let the audience ask any questions" cliche. But the source material had everyone questioning things, wondering what's going on.
If you recall the original show of Black Butler, Sebastian is already in charge of the house hold and dazzling the house (and audience) with his charm and skill by the first episode. The young master was the leading support in the first couple episodes, taking a bit less action and spotlight than the butler, complimenting it instead of competing with it. Though some character chemistry is bound to be different, I admit, I think if you started out with a different chapter it would entice the audience better. Say... after the butler is already at introduced to the core cast but the main plot hasn't been revealed yet. (not all of the main 6 have to be introduced. Twilight and Rarity being the only ones used to him is fine.) then this could be entwined later as a flash back. (and maybe tweaked to fit new ideas you may have)
Interesting. So rather than a true cross-over, it's more a parallel world idea, where beings have counterparts of themselves across worlds. And the closest equivalent that the PG world of Equestria could have to an immortal murder-happy demon butler is a precognizant unicorn employed by a mysterious organization. I suppose he can also tap into True Valets' limitless resources as well, as an equivalent to some of the more reality warping things Sebastian was capable of. Still, it'd be nice if some group was to invade the castle just so we could see him fight them off with the cutlery. Those were always my favorite scenes.
His name does confuse me. I assume it must be a pun, because a google search for "Ettore" says it's a brand name of squeegees. Personally, I'm going to nickname him Seabiscuit, because it's both a horse reference and a pun off of Sebastian.
[Edit]: a revised search says that Ettore is actually a normal Greek human name, which means loyal or steadfast. So I guess it does fit a butler.
Black Butler
There is something wrong with this part...It doesn't make sense...Or not quite clear.
I feel it needs some reword.
Is this based off of Black Butler?
sees story slowly mouses over to the story clicks it
intruiged
finishing story facepalm
*reads title*
img.pandawhale.com/68246-Leonardo-DiCaprio-Django-nod-b-VWkJ.gif
"Good morning, Mistress. Today's breakfast is an Eggs Benedict with a Jasmine tea, I pray it is to your liking."
Interesting story but it needs cleaning up.
The easy part is mechanics. Grammar, spelling, all that. There's nothing atrocious but a proofread would be advisable.
Harder is style. A lot of the scenes are rough, without a lot of details or with awkward phrases. Mayor Mare's few lines are a good example of collections of words that I know what you were trying to say but don't actually make sense.
I'd stare too if someone killed three beloved cereal mascots near me.
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/01/15/article-0-0D03E99900000578-898_472x424.jpg
What? Is it something about Pinkie? Is cupcakes canon!?!?
6862766 DEATH TO THE HERETICS!
Is the title a quote from the story?
6604433 Don't you hate it when the author doesn't respond to your comment?
6600636 How do you know that? There's no crossover tag.
There's some tensing issues going on here (lots of interchanges between present and past tense), as well as a variety of "almost right words" and awkward phrasing, but nothing a quick pass through a proofreader shouldn't fix. And just a few really awkward passages such as:
Also, my one actual nitpick: Putting Iron Will at 20 feet tall? From what I remember from his episode (and how most people portray him in stories) I'm pretty sure he's about 2x pony height. (So about somewhere in the Ted Cassidy range.)
6967081 , do appologize for not responding, but I do have other important things to be doing. One of them is get better from dam flu. But the title is a quote from an anime called black butler.
Is this inspired by black Butler?
6970485 yes this inspired by Black Butler, any other questions? I'll gladly answer them?
6971619 not really. Its good though.
Will Pinkie Pie be making some muffins with Demon Spice?
6971847 shhhh.......she might hear you?!
6967819 Thank you for the advice and help, at least someone is giving some advice than leave me blank for a proofreader.
Cue megalovania!
[youtube=youtube.com/watch?v=ZcoqR9Bwx1Y]
This is a great story so far. I wader if the butler training is more akin to Shou Lin monks where the training is growling in it physical demands and repetitiveness was well as every mistakes do it dealt with swift and painful corrections.
author WHAT ARE YOU
organized and incorrect spelling too the s should be a z
AJ
7426792 ...What am I, I wonder? Am I just another person sitting at the edge of a computer screen reading comments, writing my stories or just simply reading a nice joyful fic. What am I, I wonder? I do not have a proofreader so it would be difficult for me to sort out spelling and grammar as of now. That is why the chapter I am currently working on is running a tad bit late. Also, I would like to point out I am English, or British if you think it would be a suitable substitute, and we have different spelling. Like, you spell Colour like Color, we spell a lot of "S" instead of "Z". I am not incorrect and I am neither correct, it is a way of how you spell it. Another point, Ajay and Aj are technically the same... just one is shortened or if you want to be complicated I guess?
Hope I do not sound rude because my speech does sometimes come across as rude.
You fucked up, Ettore. You have muffins to deliver. :|
i knew he was trouble
great to see an other chapter of this chapter again.
Do you have Microsoft Word? It has a great grammar checker that is sure to pick up on most of the goofs here.
"He has incredible magical ability if he was able to blind everyone in the room."
What?
Making a bright Light is considered as incredible?
Fucking hell, it dosent take alot to impress these ponies does it?
I have to ask, is he supposed to be modeled after Sebastian or Claude? Or maybe Ash?
7722648 He is suppose to be inspired by Sebastian but I have not idea what other people would think he is like. To be honest, Its been a long time since i watched Black Butler, Only because of my drawings and models from Uni as i have a lot on my plate as of now.