Warning: the following story is my attempt to write a ghost story.
Filliedelphia's police were called to respond to a concerned call to investigate someone screaming at the Sanctuary Mental Hospital, a condemned lunatic asylum outside of the city. They quickly found that the supposedly haunted hospital not only contained three corpses, but a changeling that was strapped to a rotting bed, screaming his head off.
After identifying the bodies and picking up some clues, detective Hoof Print is called to interview the only living witness to the crime. Bringing his tape recorder with him, he begins the interview with the question: What was doing at the abandoned mental hospital to begin with?
Special thanks to Shadeol for proofreading.
Chapters (10)
This is certainly intriguing. But I think you should try to edit (or have someone else edit) both the chapters you've written so far and the ones you write in the future. Don't misunderstand me, though. This is a fantastic creepy story and I look forward to any updates. However, these chapters feel more like a rough draft than anything else and it's somewhat distracting. Other than that, this is a really enjoyable story. It's wonderfully unique and disturbing. I eagerly await the next chapter
6552686
At least I tell you upfront about it.
As with any of my stories, if you or anyone else want to volunteer to edit this, please PM me.
6552750 Because scary day is a few days away.
Intense. I like it. Please update soon.
Wow. This is great.
Those things are real. They should bring in a medium or a zebra and then tell about the spirits from beyond.
Spoopy! And very good too.
For some reason, I want a sequel.
This was a dang spooky story!
6552750 I'm the same way!! I don't know either!
Whyyyyy?
Somepony should give this fic to lost Narrator.
I bet she'd do a reading of it.
that mare really likes here scary fics.
SO creepy! O__O
I kinda want a second part to the story too.
if you write it, please make sure that place burns down or something.
MORE! i NEED TO KNOW MORE
Step 1: Call the human Airforce Base.
Step 2: Tell them to bring the biggest bomb they have, and bring at least ten of those.
Step 3: Blast those bombs on the wretched building.
Step 4: Repeat step 1 through 3 until not a single chunk of rock is identifiable from that building.
Admen? Do you mean abdomen?
This....is really good so far. And I'm also glad that they didn't just convict him of murder straight away.
*reading the end*
Wow.
Geez. It seems that the only sane people in that place are the patients. Seriously though.
RUN RUN RUN RUN
or
FLY FLY FLY FLY FLY
My god. I honestly have no clue. I mean, it would be good to hear that he is innocent. Also, if he did kill those students, how did he strap himself to a bed? I'm thinking that either the fungus, or the building itself should be labeled as an SCP.
6655387 What's SCP?
6655418
It's like a wiki based on a fake government organization. I think it came from a creepypasta on 4chan.
It's awesome. There's games on it too. It's creepy stuff bro.
Oh, and SCP stands for Special Containment Protocol. But their motto is, Secure, Contain, Protect.
It holds monsters and anomalous objects. There's even FiMfiction groups and stories on it.
"Accoutrement." Seriously, using big ten-dollar words is fine and all, but at least have a dictionary on hand or something. That one was just kind of embarrassing.
That was hella scary. I would hate to be put threw that.
corpses*
What was (the changling)* doing at
Just wanted to point these out in the summary :)
Putting in my to-read list!
A few missing words and spelling mistakes, but not bad. I'm not used to a story that is tell instead of show, so it was hard for me to keep up because I felt like I was reading a script of ponies that were not in full character, for example: I don't think a cop would straight out say to the victim that thry are a suspect, (because most people clam up and shut up after that), and I don't think the changeling- after being tortured for so long and so badly- would seem like he a clean/clear mind to talk to a stranger who thinks he's the suspect and has no right to believe him, (and could just throw him in a mental hospital where the changeling would probably go even more mad since he can't take the sight of a lab coat). This is just my honest opinion and take on the story, no negative behind it! I shall continue to chapter two now! *trots over*
A little jumbled up and confusing, but not enough to turn me away from the third chapter.
So, wait... he was cut open down his stomach, then just wrapped himself up? I'm pretty sure he can't walk around or play without at least stitches being mentioned, unless I missed that part? Also, I don't know if it's just me, but saying, "he used his horn" / "i used my horn", sounds off. I'm probably just used to people saying, 'magic'.
This changeling should be demanding to return to his hive and never trust any literal pony again if this happened to him.
Eh, I feel like it's missing that special 'hook' that a creepy pasta ending usually has that make people all excited about it enough to pass it to their friends, but I don't get that from this one. If there is a bonus ending or extra chapter, let me know!
6990781 Now I have three questions for you: was Andrew insane, hallucinates the whole thing, or was it ghosts? What do you suggest for that "bonus chapter"? And did you enjoyed it?
6990812 I was able to finish the story, if I didn't like it, I would have stopped, not commented, or thumbed down, ( something I don't do unless it HEAVILY deserves it), which this story does not.
What I REALLY enjoyed, was the idea that the fungus poisoned the mind and the wounds were self inflicted. However, you wrote yourself in a corner trying to say that Andrew was innocnet, but not innocent, by you writing him into what we're lead to believe as impossible situations for him to be the bad guy.
Bonus chapters of the victim trio eithor going mad from the fungus and killing themselves/each other, OR a fellow police officer with a bad mask suddenly attacking his fellow team, would be great. Maybe even have Andrew attack the main cop later on with another interview visit, if you want to go a scientific route.
I would do a, 'show don't tell', story for the trio though.
You could also play as a mad pony with an abundance of magic, possibly a patient forgotten, or a doctor in training with an obsession to become his dead mentor, that is the one that created all the 'ghosts', and is found later.
6990855 I confess, this first ghost story is in a style that I'm not very used to. Since this is in a form of a tape recording, telling was the only way I could do it. Originally, the way that I wrote it was intentionally make it verge enough for readers to blur the lines between the supernatural and insanity like in the the 1960's "The Haunting."
And to be honest, you've just helped me figure out how to promote a character in a future story I want to do. About a psychopathic, manipulative but elegant doctor, and I think you've just pointed a way I could do it!
Perhaps this time, as a bonus chapter, it will be told through the lenses of a camera... I think that once I'm done with my current story, I think I might be able to give you that extra chapter.
6990906 I'm glad that I could inspire! It could be the trio/mares restored camera, and possibly you could play on pumpkin spice as being the only real ghost since they found her remains, she could possibly be the one that played with the camera to add more depth to the story. I look forward to it!
6990919 You'll find that I have a unusual talent, in that whenever someone points out a plot hole in the story, that I'm able to turn them into plot points. So don't worry, once I'm done with that fairy tale story, I'll look over your comments and questions and weave together a chapter. One I think will be longer then two-thousand words.
6990974
Dun, dun, dunnnn!
This is giving a sense of terror and exhilaration at the same time! Should I be scared? I think I should be. I don't know anymore.
And I thougth this was done...! NOPE!
Some grammatical errors here and there. But otherwise a very intriguing story. I had thought the last chapter was the end of the story
7014148 I understand, I thought back in October that I was done, but then an idea popped in my skull about how I could introduce a character for a future story.
Oh god.
Oh no...
This is worse than I thought.
Poor Andrew. Poor Book Binder. Poor Carrot Bit. Poor Cloud Buster.
Fuck my life, I actually want to see a movie adaptation of this story.
7027344 Hmm... Difficult, but not impossible...
Oh f
Poor Andrew.
I hope the guy is dead by the end of the sequel, accident or otherwise.
7013910 Now it's done.
6990781 In case you haven't heard, I've added a couple chapters to Sanctuary. Of course, I'm going to try to get in contact with the guy who helped me edited this. I want to see what you take is on this.
It's "tail", not "tale"
7032890 my bad, it has been fixed.
Just finished reading this story, wow I really enjoyed it. I love all the confusion of the situation in story how I was desperately trying to gather all the bits and pieces to understand what was going on in the hospital and has peeked me on the edge of my seat of that time. I still wander how long Andrew was actually taped in the hospital and how the doc mange to make him his mindless slave and how actually manage to get out of that state of mind, as it all the fungus infection that made that made him believe everything that Lovejoy said; how could he had been hallucinating and be mind slave at the same time? are there actually any reference material that you used to do this story or did you just used the reference that you can get from triller books, movies and video games?
So far, the sequel is great but this gives me a lot of ideas of how the doc can do even more mind games to his retirement town that he is living in.
7060245 To be honest, when I started to write this back in October, I wanted to do a kind of ghost story with the idea of an abandoned asylum with an unlikely character. The details of the first five chapters were inspired by documentaries and ghost hunts in American lunatic asylums between post-Civil War and 1980's from lobotomies, electroshock therapy, and yes, sometimes human experimentation outside of the law. From places like the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum where it once served both a mental hospital and an orphanage. Or Waverly Hills Sanatorium where they experimented on the patients to find a cure for Tuberculosis. (Plus, I admit, the let's play of "The Evil Within" game was an influence as well.)
As for the possible use of the fungus during his retirement... I'm still trying to figure out how to weave that in.
Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!