My name is Sunset Shimmer, and I wanted to speak to my newest friend, the human version of Princess Twilight Sparkle, about something which I've been keeping a closely guarded secret. Because of what happened at the climax of the Friendship Games, my heart is telling me to reveal what I've kept from everyone I know. Why choose her? Because she and I are really close... in more ways than one.
While I've used the magic journal to speak with Princess Twilight, there is the other journal... the non-magical one which I've been using since as far back as I can remember. You may think that what I wrote in this journal isn't anything serious, but when it contains secrets... personal secrets about my life from past to present...secret feelings about my friends... it becomes a completely different beast altogether.
I know Twilight will be there to help just like how I helped her, but will our friendship... all of my friendships be destroyed upon revealing these secrets to her?
Note: This story takes place after Friendship Games even though all three movies will be present in one form or another. Also, the Equestria Girls comics will be present as well with some having more scope than others. There is also some mild sexual moments between Sunset and Twilight. Edit: Added in the comics to the note.
Edit: Starting from Chapter 8 and onwards, this story now has an editor: icecreammac
Edit2: Replaced the 'human' category with the 'Equestria Girls' category.
Edit3: Second Place in the 2015 National Pony Novel Writing Month.
This seems interesting. Added to the tracking list. Also, First view?!
I'm willing to follow this story. I have two criticisms, though. My first is that the dialogue seems too formal to sound normal. It feels like I'm reading historical literature rather than a fic about a couple of teens. My second and more important criticism is in regards to your use of quotation marks. Put simply, don't put a space in between the quotation mark and the word following it. Example:
See that first quotation mark, followed by a space, and then the word "I"? That space shouldn't be there. It should be written as
That space was pretty distracting, honestly, and took away from the emotion of the story, as did the too-formal dialogue. That said, these are easy fixes, and I'm still willing to keep reading. Good luck!
This is like-worthy, very like-worthy, you did a good job here, the writing was pretty easy to comprehend without many (if any, though I'm drowsy-reading at the moment.) notable grammar hiccups. I'll follow this for a bit.
This bit seems... odd to read, "making" is redundant, getting rid of the instance here may improve paragraph flow.
And I agree with icecriammac, to get rid of that "formal" feel, you can add contractions, and omit unnecessary words.
This is a fascinating beginning. Every monster has an environment in which it was incubated and this is the one in which Sunset Shimmer was turned into the pony and woman she became. One thing that I appreciated about Friendship Games is that they didn't make her all pure white and perfect. She still has a short temper and a mean streak when provoked (the way she was sneering at Cinch in the concluding confrontation shows that she still has a dark aspect to her).
I suppose that's something that Sunset and human!Twilight have in common. Although they've both dedicated their lives to fight for the light, they'll also spend the rest of their lives hearing the seductive voice of the Dark Side whispering in the back of their minds, encouraging them to use the quick, easy path of manipulation, intimidation and force and trying to fight off those temptations. They will both, but Sunset especially for her far longer immersion in the Dark, will always be a little bit anti-hero.
FWIW, I've long wondered if Sunset is genuinely mentally ill. She sometimes shows the symptoms of manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Hmmm.. Too early in story to tell if I'll like it but don't hate it and willing to read it.. for now
6548045
I've always done that with my stories where I have a quotation followed by a space, and then proceeding with what's being said. It's just my own little quirk which I've been doing for close to 30 years now.
6549217
This is a story which has been on my mind for some time now, and I really wanted to write it because I can relate a lot to Sunset seeing as I've had some unfortunate experiences myself. Originally, I was just going to have Sunset on her own, but then I added in Twilight for someone for her to talk to, and also allow her to understand just what Sunset has been through in both Equestria and the human world.
This sounds like a good start. I can't wait to read more.
6557501
Chapter 2 is up right now, and I'll be adding Chapter 3 within the next few days which is probably going to be shorter than the previous two as I need to set up the events of "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer". I am including the Equestria Girls comics into this story mainly because of what Sunset did in those, yet the "Equestria Girls" comic in the 2013 annual will be touched on briefly as Sunset only appears in the one panel of that one.
Still an enjoyable chapter. I'd like to once more raise the issue of the flow of dialogue. Simply put, it's way too formal to sound natural, using the conjunction "for" far more than necessary. I think the oddly formal dialogue is best demonstrated here:
I'm having a hard time believing that anyone, let alone a young adult, would speak like that, especially the latter clause of the sentence. The formality really only makes sense with Celestia, since she's royalty. Other than with her, though, I suggest making the dialogue more informal. Try saying the dialogue out loud to see if it sounds good, because right now, it sounds weird.
Other than that, though, I enjoyed what I read. I can't wait until we get through her origin story and get to her relationship with the others.
Interesting. But this sounds more of a Trixie fic than a Sunset fic.
6568453
You do bring up a valid point, and I agree that I'm using the word "for" far too often, so I'll cut back on it for the next chapter. I read the quote from the chapter you provided... it really didn't sound all that good to me. Glad to see you're enjoying it though.
6569249
It will really become Sunset oriented once we get into "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer", and what she does in the human world.
6571169 I'd also like to add onto icecream's point, in that they're also incredibly verbose.
A lot of that comes from the formality already mentioned, but there were a lot of times I'd find myself only reading the first part of a sentence and it'd still be a full and complete thought.
Still though, I'm definitely enjoying this so far. Partially because it's nice to see a Sunset that isn't an orphan
6571169 I'm glad you saw my points, and I am indeed enjoying the story.
6572256
Surprisingly, I've actually applied icecreammac's advice to my main story, "The Legend of Sunset Shimmer: Majora's Mask", and it makes certain sentences flow a lot better without the use of the word "for" in that context. The reason why I went with her having a family is because she mentions is in the Holiday 2014 special in the comics when Applejack asks her about how she spends the holidays.
I originally was going to have her parents treat her cruelly, but I went against that as it would have been too unrealistic, so I went with them ignoring/neglecting her instead.
I've said this before but this is very much turning into the story that explores one thought I've had regarding Sunset - that she may be truly mentally ill. In this story she's been shown as having elements of paranoia in her behaviour patterns
That set aside, I do like how you portray young!Sunset's behaviour. It's interesting that there is no one 'smoking gun' or glaring incident of abuse. Rather, it's a steady drip-drip of small matters over many years on top of possibly an existing neurochemical disorder that slowly drove her into something bordering on a psychopathic behavioural disorder.
6576861
All of these small events are leading up to the first big one which is what was seen in "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer" where her life completely changes, yet I'm going to go into more depth than the comic as I feel that (the comic) didn't really go that far enough. There is a strong sense of paranoia inside her heart as Sunset is constantly worried about how Science Twilight is going to react, and this is going to be tested once we get to the more... "interesting" aspects of Sunset's life.
I was going to go with the family abuse angle, but when I read what I wrote down later, I didn't like it, and changed it to where she was simply ignored which results in her wanting to be the best as a means of proving her parents wrong.
This is getting very good. I still can't wait till we get to Sunset in Canterlot High. I'd like to say that I like your slight change in writing style. It no longer seems too formal (except where it makes sense, like with Celestia and the nameless instructor). This makes the story flow more easily. There were a few things I found odd, like here:
It seemed odd that Sunset just seemed to know the reason for Twilight's panic. A similar oddity showed later when Sunset wrote about the instructor's reluctance to follow Celestia's order. However, I'm willing to believe that these are things she figured out later before telling this whole story (it is written in past tense, after all).
Lastly, Twilight slapping Sunset out of nowhere and immediately showing regret and sorrow seemed odd, but I'm willing to believe that Twilight was simply still panicked from the ordeal.
At any rate, good story so far. Can't wait to read more!
6579750
You know, I was actually thinking about that scene between Celestia and the instructor, and trying to figure out a way Sunset would be aware of it... and I did come up with something which is probably the obvious solution.
All Sunset was doing was just looking down at the journal in silence, and Twilight suspected the worst because the former started acting like a statue, but I can understand it being confusing. Twilight was panicked because she was afraid something was going to happen to her friend, and the slap can be considered a knee-jerk reaction created out of frustration. I actually tweaked the ending of this chapter slightly because I already used one description of what was to happen, and replaced it with something more closer to home.
I already know how the next chapter will go, and it will provide more depth than "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer" as I feel that comic didn't provide all of the answers fans were looking for. I feel certain questions were ignored, so I want to try and answer them.
Okay, I liked this chapter. Again, can't wait until her time in the human world, but I'm not trying to rush you there; I know these things take time, and I'm more than willing to wait. As for criticisms, I have a few, and I'll be using quotes from the story for them. Firstly:
Pretty sure "orgasm" is the wrong word to use here, especially since people usually don't have all sorts of horrible thoughts when they climax.
To self-proclaim is to proclaim something about oneself. As these ponies are proclaiming something about Celestia, it's best just to use "proclaim".
Next is a bit of confusion about Sunset's test. The judges said it was her final test, but Celestia said it was her mid-term. Which one is correct?
Don't have characters say things like "sigh" or "groan", as it sounds like the characters are literally saying those words. Simply say "she sighed" before the speaking part. It makes more sense that way.
I believe that's all I have. Great work, overall. Can't wait for more.
And things finally reach a head! Loved this chapter. I know I just now left a comment on Chapter Four (I didn't know Chapter Five was up yet), but I'll go ahead and give a separate comment for this chapter. I just have a few concerns.
The all-caps makes it seem like she's shouting, so I stumbled when it said that she was mumbling. Perhaps remove the all-caps and just type it in regular print. Italicizing the word "am" would still give her quote the emphasis needed without the mixed signals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the portal only stayed open for about three days, not moons. "Moons" is another way of saying "months".
When using quotation marks inside quotes like this, use single-quotation marks to remove initial confusion on where the quotes end, like so:
Other than that, there were some minor spelling/grammar errors, but nothing too big and nothing a good self-edit or editor can't iron out. Looking forward to more!
6589211
I like your feedback a lot, and upon seeing what you pointed out, I should be able to go back through, and make the appropriate edits where necessary. Guess I made a mistake by having Sunset say 'I am ready' in all capitals, for she is supposed to be mumbling that to herself as opposed to shouting. Also, I actually never knew that was how you were supposed to quote things without being where someone is talking, so I can fix that as well.
Also, I thought using the word sigh wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I guess it is when you consider that it just happens to be there for no reason. Finally, I've been trying to figure out how to get this story some much-needed referrals, but I'm not sure how that's supposed to work.
6591038 I'm glad you like my feedback. I try to help as much as I can, and I feel it's a sign of maturity in a writer if they accept others' criticism and use it to better him- or herself. Regarding quotes without actually speaking, it really depends on whether the quotes are inside another pair of quotes. It's better to see an example. Take these sentences:
In the first, the quotation marks around salvation were the only quotation marks in the sentence, so it'd be appropriate to use the actual quotation marks, even though no one is actually speaking the word. In the second sentence, though, the quoted word books is already in a sentence bound by quotation marks (that is, a spoken sentence). Since having regular quotation marks inside regular quotation marks is confusing, you'd use single-quotation marks. The same is true if you have a character quoting something another character said.
As for looking for referrals, I'm not sure what you mean. Referrals for what? It might help to ask around the groups on this site.
6591714
You know when you click on the statistics button that exists below the list of chapters, it shows you how many views the story receives every day right? There is a large space below that which is called referrals, and from what I've gathered, these are links that go to other websites such as Google, and DeviantArt just to name a couple of examples. A lot of stories have referrals such as these, yet I've never figured out how and why they appear when they do. I'd love for this story to have referrals as it would really bring it some much needed attention.
Also, your examples have helped me to figure out what it is you were saying before, and I'll apply them into future chapters.
6591762 Glad to hear you accept my advice, and I'm glad I was able to explain it better than I did before. As for referrals, I'm afraid I don't know much about that. I didn't even know that particular statistic existed. I suggest asking some of the mods or admins for advice or information.
6591813
In case you were curious, I've essentially covered what I needed from "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer", save for the final part where she goes through the mirror. Also, I'm not sure if anyone noticed that I used some concepts from the "Reflections" storyline as seen in the IDW comics when I mentioned Star Swirl the Bearded, and his connection to the mirror. I even threw in a reference to the "Sirens" comic from the Fiendship is Magic five part series.
I'll have to ask one of the admins who is approachable as I know a couple of them are just far too busy to be able to answer messages.
6591950 Glad to hear it. I'm stoked for her finally hitting the human world. I've never read the IDW comics, so I can't say I mind at all that you used a bit of lore from them. I think it adds to the story rather well. As for messaging admins, I suggest finding one that seems sociable, leave a message, and wait a day or two. If they don't respond, move on to another admin and repeat the process. Good luck with those referrals!
6591972
"The Fall of Sunset Shimmer" was a little too short for its own good, so I decided to expand on it using "Reflections" and the "Sirens", but in my own interpretation. Oh, and I received a message about referrals, and here is what the gist of it was according to Eldorado: "referrals track how people are finding your stuff from outside fimfic. If nobody follows external links to it (like if they Google the title, or if someone posts it on a tumblr or Facebook page), and all traffic is from fimfic itself, it shouldn't display referrals"
This is looking good Ganon. Can't say I'd write it TOO differently. I'm looking forward to further chapters.
6592135 That's pretty easy to understand. Let's hope you can get the word out. I know one way I found a lot of fics is through TVTropes.
6593049
Strange thing is that I never did anything to get those referrals... they just ended up happening because other people somehow did it.
As for TVTropes, I tried going there once, yet I couldn't understand a single thing about it. In any case, I should have Chapter 6 up sometime later this evening as it's currently in the works.
I'm taking a page from the first Equestria Girls movie in terms of how one needs to adjust to a new place... or world.
6593830 That's how referrals work. Someone hears about your story (say, for example, on TVTropes) and decides to either Google it or follow the link on TVTropes itself (if there is a link), and bam, there's a referral. You don't have to do all that much yourself other than write a story people will want to read.
Anyway, can't wait for Chapter Six.
6593920
Then I hope others will be able to get me those referrals as it would be nice especially since I enjoy writing this story considering how often new chapters come out. Chapter Six will be shorter than the previous two as I don't want to give away too much all at once, especially during this current stage of the story.
Aw, yeah, finally past the portal! As far as criticism, goes, I have two things I've seen consistently done. First, when you have an ellipsis (the "..."), don't put a space after it (they're like dashes in that regard). As for handling quotes, if the quote ends with a period, but the full sentence is still going, replace the period in the quote with a comma. Here's an example quote using both pieces of advice:
You see I've added no space after the ellipsis, and I've put a comma in place of a period at the end of Bill's spoken part, since while the quote may have ended, the actual sentence is still continuing with "Bill said...".
I hope this helps, and I can't wait to read more!
6595269
The "..." where I put a space is something I've done in every chapter, and actually they are seen as grammatically correct as I've seen it on other stories, but I can easily change it to make it look proper although that would mean going through every chapter. As for the other part with the periods and commas, that's just me wanting to go with something that I like, but I do see what you mean.
Liked this chapter too. I did flinch a bit at the shipping, but I can put up with it.
I really loved how you portrayed Celestia. You really made her feel like a powerful regal being.
6596082
There is only going to be mild shipping in this story which would be the equivalent of a small crush or something like that, and it was explained in the long description in case you were wondering.
You know what the most interesting part of this was the insight into Sunset's need for external validation. In the end, it was always about external things and the appearance of being great. The instructor was wrong - it wasn't ego that was making Sunset's behaviour so anomalous but, if anything, a massive lack of self-esteem that was manifesting itself in aggressive-defensive behaviour.
Celestia, on the other hand, had seen them come and had seen them go over the millennia. She knew what she was dealing with and she clearly hoped to salvage the talent that lay beneath the insecure filly desperately seeking validation.
Poor Twilight's anxiety attack, though! It's interesting that she's on medication for anxiety (or possibly depression?). It is also interesting that poor Sunset had a second brain-lock when she saw Twilight's leg!
"Reaf dna Erised Tsetaerg Ruoy tub Ecaf Ruoy Ton Wohs I!"
It seems that some magics are repeated time and time again from universe to universe. Also true from universe to universe is the power of such ancient and powerful magics to ensnare and corrupt the unwary and those who have yet to learn the wisdom to control their minds.
I wonder if Star Swirl built his portal into the ponyverse's pre-existing MIrror of Erised? That was dangerous but it is in line with his apparent arrogance about his ability to control such dangerous magics.
You just have to wonder how different Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle's lives may have been if Sunset had decided to go over and play with that little filly who seemed to be having such a good time (if only to get in with Celestia's niece). Still, even setting aside the 'what if...?' it is clear that Destiny has a funny way of showing a pony a glimmer of the future in the least expected ways.
Star Swirl was always a bit insane and his inability to comprehend friendship ultimately left him paranoid and isolated. Celestia's mistake with the portal into the Dark Mirror Universe was a great one indeed. However, that did in no way justify him going behind her back instead of patiently instructing her as to where she went wrong.
Of course... By this point, Sunset was developing full-blown paranoid schizophrenia. Her ability to reason clearly was increasingly impaired and it was unlikely that she could properly respond to any stimuli. Celestia's fault was to see wickedness when there was illness and need for gentle but firm care.
That bit where Sunset punched herself was alarming. I have a horrible feeling that, if the others of the Seven were to restrain her and pull up the arms of her shirt, they'd find scars of various ages running up the inside of them.
I strongly suspect that most ponies have a complete Body Horror moment when they first use the Mirror of Worlds.
6596358
I based Sunset's reactions to her new body on what Twilight herself went through, but not with a focus on humour given Sunset had just had her dreams denied, so it was more towards misery as opposed to awkwardness. Since the conclusion of "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer" has her entering the human world at night, I made certain to retain this in addition to the quote she says, but I went even further which reinforces the fact that the comic was just too short, and therefore much was missed out on.
I've read your other comments as well, and I do appreciate the effort you put into them where you go into so much intricate detail, yet I wanted to respond to this one in particular because of Sunset's reactions. She's going to be experiencing something else not before long, and if you've watched the first movie, you should have an idea as to what that is. The movie didn't really go into much depth about it, and instead just had it as a pointless inclusion, but I'm expanding on it because it's significant... I just hope Sunset doesn't get too weirded out when she sees that car.
Whoa! This has been the best chapter yet! I'm really into it right now.
What I like the most is how much this is tying into the comic. It is quite brilliant. Especially the use of her quote from it. I can't wait to read the next one tomorrow!
6599739
I've actually gone much further than what is depicted in the comics, as I felt that some of them didn't do enough because of how short they were, or recent events came out which effectively retcon a few things here and there. "The Fall of Sunset Shimmer" is a good example of this as I added in concepts that were introduced to the comic mythos a year or more after the comic was originally published.
Out of curiosity, will Sunset meet her human self? Cause if so, I'm worried about what will happen.
A good read. It could use an editor or self-edit to iron out some of the kinks, but they don't ultimately detract from the experience, which is good.
6602876
Would you like to be the editor seeing as you have been correcting me on a number of errors, and I have taken your advice to heart on certain things which have improved the experience.
6602617
Good question, but I don't think so as the writers haven't hinted at anything of the sort. That's essentially a can of worms I'd rather not have to deal with until they make the first move.
6604426 I agree. Maybe next year when Equestria Girls 4 cones out, huh?
6604426 Sure, I can be your editor. You may have to set some ground rules with me about some grammatical quirks you knowingly make, such as putting a space after the opening quotation mark in a quote. Doing so is, as I've said, incorrect, but I've kept my mouth shut about it and accepted it as part of the story, since you told me it's something you've done for a long time. That said, I'd love to help you iron out some of the wrinkles and help you make this story shine.
6604666
I'm not going to be going through the first seven chapters as those are already available for people to watch, so you can begin from Chapter 8 and onwards. I'll make the necessary changes in the long description when Chapter 8 gets published, so that people know that there is now an editor.
Glad to hear that you're accepting of my quirks, and while I could stop doing them, they're essentially hard-wired into my brain which makes me continue to do them. The space after the opening quotation is something I've been doing now for about 15 years, so that's an example of having gotten used to doing it that way.
All you need to do really is looks for mistakes, anything that sounds confusing, and so on so that I can apply the changes, yet given how I upload a new chapter every other day, I need such edits done in one go. Luckily, the chapters are short in length compared to my crossover stories.
I'd rather not have any major plot points altered as I do know where things are going.