Join Pond Water, a Unicorn all the way from Trotland, as she lives her life, starting from beginnings of hardships and great misfortune, to her adulthood, where things didn't get much better.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 1st, 2023
The PatioHeater
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The PatioHeater
Joined 8th Jan, 2012 ·
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Okay, well, one thing that would really help is spacing between paragraphs. It's a little annoying to face walls of text with little or no space.
Second thing I noticed was that sometimes you slip between tenses; that is, most of the story is told in the past tense ("island was small"), but at some parts you have it in the present ("island is small"). Make sure you are consistant in your tense.
I would also advise you to try and show us earlier on in the story how Goldstar's parents stand to lose a lot from their daughter's... condition. Instead of a paragraph talking about it, try to put in little snippets here and there in the narrative. For example, you could have Goldstar's dad run into somepony that he knows in the hospital or something. As it is now, her parents act like jerks and we the readers have no idea why, which makes it sound forced and unnatural.
As you go through her early life, you are telling us much, much more than you are showing us. Your story could be much more effective, I think, if you were to write about a particular instance of said time period instead of telling us a generalization. What I mean is, you might consider replacing the events of "Goldstar when she's two and a half" with the events of "the third day of August, six days before Goldstar's second birthday" or something.
[Silly me, I forgot to say that I liked it...]
704753 Thanks for the comments!
That last one sounds particularly promising, or something like that. The next chapters I have are much less like the first and are more going through an event/interactions between characters.
This is one of the first things I wrote way back in december when I was new to it all, so I knew it wasn't too good. And the formatting used to be much, much worse (the entire first scene in the hospital was in 2-3 paragraphs...).
Maybe, what I shall do is rewrite it and make it better, for I have improved since writing this. But that may take a while with all my other projects I'm working on.
But yes, thanks again!
704844
I don't know if you necessarily need to rewrite the whole thing. Certain parts, though, I think would dramatically benefit from a rewrite, such as the parts I mentioned with Goldstar's early life.
Also, if you ever want a proofread for this, I'd be willing to give it a go.
705552 You can proof read if you want, I have the next three chapters ready to go anyway. I was just waiting for opinions on the first three before posting, and it appears that no one is really paying attention to it...
If you can really be bothered, tell me somehow, and I will give you links to a GoogleDocs!
I still stand by my previous comments on what is written here. If you wanted more readers though you really should have used an image. That title, well, I know you were struggling for one, but that is not good. Not at all. The description also sounds a bit... cheesy, and its all one sentence. Anyway, don't give up on this story. It's one of my favourite things you've written. You probably still have my old commentaries, but if you want me to try at them again then you only need to ask.
710540 I know the title sucked, as well as the description. I really couldn't think of anything...
As for proof reading, I'm good. That Brony Tom guy is doing pretty good at it (he's actually pointing out tense-ical mistakes which I would have never noticed). You can if you want, of course, I'm not gonna stop you. I do believe you have all the chapters still.
But I'm actually much more enjoying writing a Big Dash fic at the moment, which is actually goinng pretty well, despite the pairing...
I love how no one's favourited this! Means I can ingore it until I want to write some more of it!!!
Y'know, this story actually gets better. She moves to Equestria, meets a good friend, lives happily for a while, then it turns out it was all an escapism fantasy thing which ends when the police find her in her real parents house, abused and neglected. But it ends happily when a nurse adopts her under her fantasy name, but then ends sadlier once she reenters her escape fantasy with the difference being the nurse now plays the role of the friend, and then she cries becuase Pond's still in her fantasy world and she can't do anything about it.
so yeah, a real mind melter. Kinda explains the bad quality in the first chapter as she gets better at imagining it all with age.
Too bad no one cares enough for Pond for the rest of her life to happen.
Pond Water is interesting to me. The way the story is written makes me want to read what happens next in her life and what hardships she faces. This is great so far.
2797046 really? You are the only person to actually favourite this story, and so I thank you for that! I put a lot of effort into this at one point. I have other chapters complete so I'll post them just for you! But that will be it, I'm afraid. I may come back to this premise again and rewrite it as I had some ideas recently, but that is very unlikely.
Glad you're enjoying it!
2812702 This is more interesting than some of the other stories I have favourited. It draws you in and makes you want to know what happens to Pond Water next in her life. I am happy for more chapters, and wish you luck with the rest of your works and such. I feel this should have been better known, so I made a blog post with a link to this story in it.
2812702 It is also on my list of fanfics that I felt were good on my page
2812791 Thanks! Now I feel I should reopen this fic in my mind...
2815782 I'm not that popular, but I hope I can help. I wish you luck on your writing.
2816504 Thank you! And any publicity is good publicity
2816646
Pond Water kinda reminds me a bit of Quasimodo, except she's not ugly.
3001066
Hmm... interesting. Never thought of it that way before...
So Pond Water got a possible boyfriend, has finally started to talk (like a professional), and made those jerks shut up!
So Pond Water gets a rainbow swordfish for a cutie mark and Telsa gets expelled in the same year. How quaint.
So we FINALLY get to see the canon characters from the show!
For a moment, I thought you meant the Bat-Mare.
How could anypony tell their tragic story as if it were nothing?
3001438 If I'm perfectly honest, at that point in the story, I had no idea at all to where it was going. I was going to have some ridiculously cliché love story crap between Pond and Dove, which was the first idea. Some other thing about her dying from not being able to vent her magic. I'm sure there was a third, but can't quite remember it.
I do have one idea I'm not going to share with you as I still may rewrite it with this idea which may actually make it good, but other than that I can't be bothered with this story anymore.
It's a shame really. I really like the characters in it...
3002310
Aw, that's alright.