Chapter 4:Twilight's Dream
Twilight was walking out of math class when she saw Moka and Tsukune talking in the hallway. Yukari and Kurumu were chasing each other threw the hall and Mizora was holding her yellow sucker in her mouth. Rainbow ran outside and Pinkie was following her and so was Rarity and Applejack and then Fluttershy. Twilight then ran out the back door and saw only Fluttershy's yellow sweater in the way and her large, fluffy, pink hair in the way too. Twilight then saw Moka, Kurumu, Yukari, Mizora and Tsukune come outside too. Then Twilight saw what her friends saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike.
''What are you all doing here and how did you get here?!?!''Twilight asked, looking more confused then ever before in her entire life. ''Well Spike gave me a spell book and I did the spell and that was pretty mean Twilight.''Sweetie Belle explained, her light purple and pink curled hair flowing like a river in the sunset.
''What was pretty mean Sweetie Belle?''Twilight asked, looking up at Sweetie Belle.
Sweetie Belle didn't reply, she just stared at Twilight and her hands suddenly glowing the same color as her magic aura and her eyes the same color. Sweetie Belle started floating and she put her hands out and lifted Twilight with her magic. ''I'm more powerful then you Twilight and me, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Spike will become rulers of everything in the WORLD!!!!!!''Sweetie Belle yelled.
''Wake up Twilight!''Applejack said as she shook Twilight. Applejack's blond hair getting into Twilight's purple hair and her red scarf shaking along with her. ''Come on Twilight!''Rainbow yelled, knocking over Applejack and Rainbow was on top of Twilight now. Rainbow's multi colored hair got in Twilight's face but she still was not waking up.
''Finally your up Twi, we needed you to wake up because Tsukune invited you to a swim at the beach.''Applejack explained, jerking Twilight up with only one hand.
''He only wants to see you in your bikini, and thats why we have to get you one!''Rarity said, holding one that had the same colors in her hair and in the right order. Pinkie Pie started bouncing randomly and started smiling wide and her fusion skirt flying up and down. ''So he said he wants to meet you at 5:30 and it's 5:24 let's start getting ready Twilight!''Rarity said, taking Twilight to her dorm room and starting to get her ready for her big date. Yay
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6512755 Why'd you delete my comment? You thanked me. I'm guessing it was fine.
6513267 It was a mistake sorry~Twiliy T.
6513274 In that case, I'll rewrite my criticism. I'm glad I had it saved. Seriously, though, stop deleting comments. It'll do more harm than good. Here you go:
Okay, I read the whole thing. Get ready, because I'm unloading a boatload of constructive criticism. Before I begin, though, let me warn you about something. Never delete comments. I read those comments, and they were mostly sound criticisms. Deleting them just makes you seem like you can't take criticism, which is petty. Not only that, but since you're only ten years old, you really should be absorbing all the constructive criticism you can; it'll make you a better writer. Don't equate criticism with hate. I know that many see criticism as a bad thing, but it's really not; it helps you grow as a writer. Embrace it. With that out of the way, let's move on to the criticism.
General Issues
The biggest issues I noticed pervading the story were poor spelling, grammar, capitalization, and syntax, along with a very great many number of space issues (namely, lacking spaces where they really were needed). I also noticed pacing issues. Everything happens so quickly that nothing ever really sinks in, and thus the reader doesn't take anything seriously. The chapters are short, too. Expand the scenes in each chapter. This will both increase word count and engage the reader more.
Another issue I noticed would be a few instances of too many puncutation marks. Never use more than one exclamation mark per sentence, no matter how loud the character is shouting. The same is true for the interrobang (the ?!). They become redundant and look unprofessional.
The dialogue is also jumbled and stilted. It doesn't sound realistic. Take this example from Chapter Three:
No one talks like this; it's rushed and seems odd. You also don't need that last clause after "replied"; we can see the question. Also, how does Twilight know the curriculum? Here's the same quote, but corrected:
Simply put, this sounds like much more natural dialogue.
Lastly, I noticed you mistaking the word "threw" for "through". "Threw" means that someone tossed something, while "through" is the action that everyone was performing in this story (moving through a doorway).
Chapter One
First off, your use of more adult language ("bucking" and "hell") came off as unnecessary and immature. Also, as far as we know, "hell" doesn't exist to Equestrians. You would've been better off using "Tartarus", since that exists in Equestria and would be similar enough to hell to use.
So Twilight gets a letter and is told to go to school. She assumes the school will be in the human world due to her past times in that dimension. Why does she conclude this? What was her reasoning? We're never told, so it seems like a huge leap in logic that Twilight really wouldn't make in character.
Chapter Two
You mentioned Rarity making an "Awesome Face". What exactly is that? It doesn't make sense in context.
The girls were talking about Twilight's tiredness as being unused to getting up so early, since it's been a while since kindergarten. Magic kindergarten isn't the final level of magical education (which the girls and Twilight seem to be implying). That's why it's magic kindergarten. Twilight would likely have gotten up early for her studies with Celestia, along with running the library/castle. In fact, Twilight's an early bird, from what we've seen, so it doesn't make much sense for her to be so tired unless she was up late the previous night. I know this seems like a lot of explanation for one issue, but issues like this are important to get right; characterization is very important, since people will have trouble connecting to characters if they act differently from what was previously shown in the actual work they come from.
Don't use the phrase "main six" (or "Mane Six", for that matter). It's fine in discussions, but in narration, it's simply unprofessional.
Next is this:
Why? I see why they'd have their Elements, but why won't they need each other to activate them? Why can they become ponies again? None of this makes sense.
Celestia mentions that the girls must stay in the school for two years, but doesn't explain why. She's not explaining anything. This is huge; the girls are leaving their whole lives behind for two years, with no explanation of the reason, and they're just okay with it? That makes no sense.
Chapter Three
Firstly, don't use the abbreviation "CMC". You didn't use it in the actual text, but you used it in the chapter title, which shouldn't be so. That isn't my biggest issue with this chapter, though.
I'd be hard-pressed to believe that there are just transdimensional spells hanging around in books that foals can get their hooves on. But even if there were such spellbooks, how would Sweetie Belle possibly be able to cast them? Even with her training from Twilight, this is transdimensional magic. This is big stuff, mainly associated with such beings as Celestia and Starswirl the Bearded. I simply can't believe that Sweetie could pull this off.
Chapter Four
The random dream sequence at the beginning was unnecessary. If it was meant to be important, let us know, but don't simply tell us. Have Twilight have a sense of foreboding or dread. Have her mull over her dream. Show us that the dream is important.
Moving on, we missed some good stuff. Apparently the cast of Rosario + Vampire and our equine heroines are friends, but we missed when they first met (except for Moka, but there wasn't much there, either). That could've made for interesting reading. Also, I doubt Tsukune would invite Twilight to swim just to see her in a bikini. When the guy has a hard time getting comfortable around a succubus, then I think such things are far from his mind. Then again, maybe that's simply Rarity's take. If so, then that's fine; it adds to her character.
Lastly, there's that huge, weird space at the end of the chapter. What's up with that?
Conclusion
Okay, I think that covers all I have to say. I suggest getting an editor. It'll do you a lot of good. Please take this criticism to heart. I know that reading criticism can be hard sometimes, but it's the best way to grow as a writer. Good luck in your future endeavors!
6513291 I appreciate the complement! I know it's a good bit of effort, but if it helps new writers, then I've accomplished my goal.
After reading the first four chapters I must admit that I am in a neutral zone. I do hope that you take some time and keep up the inspiration to keep writing and hope for the best of luck for your future chapter.
Good story so far. Also, can I have a link to the cover art?
I have to say, this is REALLY impressive for a 10 year old. You deserve a like, and a fave.
http://rainbowdasssh.deviantart.com/art/21a-544812147
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Thank you so much, that is one of the best comments that I've gotten. I really do enjoy reading comments like yours. It gives me more motivation to keep writing!!!!
6513594
Thank you, and I will! I think that I'm doing well for a 10 year old!