Alicorn OC's200 stories ·462 members
Alicorns Rule68 stories ·67 members
Alicorn OC stories63 stories ·171 members
Crystal corn's2 stories ·7 members
When a small, white filly with a silver mane and tail moves to Ponyville she is sure that everypony will love her, after all, everypony loves a princess, right? This tiny alicorn is far mistaken, for all her so-called 'friends' think that she is just a fake and a wanna-be. How will she prove herself? Only time shall tell, alongside the help of three familiar faces.
Credit goes to MagicalShield for the cover art. Thank you so much!
Page generated in 0.135 seconds
Total duration
928 users online
1,509,062 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I will address the elephant in the room first: alicorn OC's are very rarely well received. They are synonymous with poorly thought out wish forfilment self inserts; ninety nine percent of stories featuring them are of low quality. Your own OC is a mixed bag thus far: on the one hand, she isn't showing any signs of being overpowered and edgy, on the other, she appears rather entitled; her status has given her an unwarranted sense of superiority. It's not a good thing when I find myself agreeing with Diamond Tiara!
This needs addressing. An alicorn OC faces an uphill battle at the best of times; one who considers herself inherently superior based on her alicorn status is going to alienate readers in short order. Remember: if people don't like your protagonist, they won't like your fic. The fact is, you must ask yourself: does this character need to be an alicorn. I would say not. An earth pony can have just the same adventures with the CMC, and won't raise any of these issues.
That said, there is another real issue with this character: we don't know anything about her, up to and including her name! This goes back to likeability of the protagonist. All we know about her thus far: she's a white alicorn with a silver mane, she is from Manehatten, she knew Babs Seed and she believes everypony should like her because she's an alicorn. That's not nearly enough to win any reader to her side; entitled brats are not likeable. That's not nearly enough to carry a story.
Remember: in canon, there are only four alicorns; any more is contrary to canon at this time. If you must insist on having another, you must have a better justification for why she is an alicorn than "Because I'm the author and I want my OC to be a special snowflake." At present, she has just appeared out of the woodwork with no rhyme or reason for her existence. Again, you'll have a much easier time writing a normal pony.
Finally, to the mechanics of the story. The grammar and spelling are ok; I don't have many real complaints there. The prose is a little simplistic, but it's not too bad. The pace, on the other hand, is a problem; this girl has gotten to Ponyville, gotten to school, met the CMC, had two run ins with Diamond Tiara and joined the CMC and we're not yet two thousand words in. Slow down. Set the scene. Let us get to know your character (at least a bloody name!). Give each chapter at least a thousand words. At least. All those things I listed? They each need at least one chapter.
To conclude: first, don't make your OC an alicorn; it's more trouble than it's worth. Second, slow down. Finally, I recommend you read around the site extensively before you write more. Begin with the writers guide, then check out the top all time list, to see stories that work. To see what doesn't, check out groups like Rage Reviews, Plan 9 from Equestria or the Badfic Bin. You'll soon see why people are gun shy about alicorn OC's! I wish you look with your future writing.
Your oc is a little boring. She doesn't have much of a personality other than being nice. Most alicorn ocs are seen as mary sues. In order to make a good oc you must make them different from all the other ocs. You're trying too hard to make us feel sorry for her even though we know nothing about her. So far it seems like your oc is an angsty alicorn who is bullied because they're jealous because she's better than everypony else.
6506036 It's not a great sign when your comment has more positive votes than the main story... Or, just votes in general.
6506036
The protagonist doesn't have to be likable, they do have to be engaging. And this one isn't…
6507250
Indeed. There are several great works of literature where the protagonist, even in first person, is a truly wretched and despicable creature, most famously Humbert Humbert from Lolita. A more contemporary example would be Light from Death Note.
Writing such a protagonist whilst keeping your audience engaged with your story is rather advanced writing. Doing so with an alicorn OC? That's a hard ask indeed. As the author of this piece appears highly inexperienced, I was of the opinion that presenting the simpler option would be most prudent.
6507689
I understand but that cuts off a lot of options for a writer. I'd rather see inexperienced writers try hard to write characters that they care about then to artificially limit themselves to concepts that may not interest them. It's ok to stretch past your skill and fail, I'd just hope that they'd learn from it.
6507731
A good point, well made
6506036 Thank you for your comments and honesty. I have taken into account everything that you have to say and have spent a long time thinking about what I can do to make this a better story. However, I would like to say a few things:
I know that having an OC being an alicorn with no cutie mark is going to a very difficult character to work with, but I'll try my hardest to make this work. I made Dimond Tiara empathise the point that this is extreme because I wanted make it clear to readers that I understand this is going to be a challenge.
I know that in canon there are only four alicorns, however, my reason for choosing an alicorn protagonist is because, if I'm right, there was an alicorn in the background of one of the mlp shows, and it wasn't one of the princesses, I know that this was most likely just a mistake, but it got me thinking, what if there were other alicorns? This is why I decided to write my first fanfic about an alicorn, just because it's something I have an interest in myself and I thought it would make a good idea for a story.
I know that my story so far is very vague, but it's only the beginning. I'm hoping that in my next chapter you shall be able to find out more about my protagonist, including her name. I shall also try my best to slow the pace of the story because I understand that it's going very fast.
I hope that I can manage to turn my character around and make her more likeable.
Thanks again, The Corn.
Hi readers, I just thought I'd say thank you to all of those who liked! I know I've only got three likes so far, but it means a lot. Also, I'm fine with people disliking my story, but please, (if you don't mind
), could you tell me what you didn't like about it, it will just help me improve it in the next chapter, that's all. Thanks as always, The Corn.
...
Well, it was 'interesting', I'll grant you that...
Wow those votes are a bit harsh. I know how you must be feeling right now but please don't be put off writing. I personally could not get into this story because the main character was too bland.
It had NOTHING to do with them being an alicorn, in fact a story about an unknown alicorn or a filly being born as an alicorn would be really cool! The thing that put me off was that the main character just didn't have character. I want to know stuff like how smart is she, what does she do for fun, is there anything she's particularly good or bad at, stuff like that.
If you introduce that at the start of the story, people will be engaged, they'll know this character like a friend and want to see what happens to them. If you can do that, and do it well, then you can get people to like an alicorn OC.
Honestly I actually clicked the story BECAUSE it had an alicorn OC, I was glad someone was brave enough to do it, but I would recommend you try writing stories for some existing characters first to get the hang of characterization, and then try again with an alicorn OC once you're really confident.
Also, ask yourself this, "if this character was a regular pony in a regular episode, but still had the same personality, would they be fun to watch?" If the answer is yes, go ahead and write. If it's no, then work on the character more. Remember a good character has flaws and quirks, think about Twilight's stress attacks and adorkable behavior, Trixie's showing off to cover her own insecurities, Scootaloo's dream that due to her disability she can never achieve - you need a character like that. Someone interesting, someone you want to know more about.
Please, please don't give up on writing just because 11 Diamond Tiaras in the audience disliked this. Keep trying. Maybe one day you can show this fandom how cool alicorn OCs really are, if I don't get there first, hehe :P
6511363 thank you sooo much!
I wouldn't give up, I'm not that kind of person, but I must admit, this has been a lot harder than I thought, I knew it would be a challenge, and I knew it would be tough, but the amount of criticism I've got has been painful. I never knew it would be so hard trying to get this just perfect for the readers. They really are my top priority.
I'll try to make my character more engaging, but that is unfortunately something that I find rather difficult.
I wish you luck with any stories that you may write, and if they have an alicorn OC then even better!
Thank you so much, it really means a lot, The Corn.
6511395 Thanks for the watch :3 Good to hear you're not giving up, just keep trying. Every writer has some kind of weakness, for me I think it's pacing, every story it ends up all over the place for me XD If you keep practicing though things will get better, that's what I plan to do as well :3
6511430 you are most welcome. Thanks for your watch too, it's actually my first one.
The Corn
I'll give it an up vote if DT and SS get some SERIOUS punishment...
6511753 okay, that sounds fair, a heads up, the next chapter is about REVENGE!
It's Diamond, hard to believe no one point this before.
Of course
Your tiara
Attracted
6523746 Thanks. I think that I've managed to correct them all, but if you spot any more, please let me know.
The Corn.
Sex change surgery ?
Might have miscounted but I think that was 102 facts
Just for those who didn't know, I'm taking some time off writing The Other Alicorn to write another story called The Shipping Game. For those who like this story though, don't worry, I'm not giving up, I'm just taking a time out. Also, if you love shipping, I suggest you check out my new story, even if you don't like it that much, Id love to know what you think about it. So far Ive shipped Discord x Celestia and Discord x Pinkie Pie, but there is still LOADS to come! By the way, not all the ships in the story are going to be ones that I ship myself.
Hi. If anyone's got any questions about this story then feel free to ask. I'm doing some Q&A's over on my user page, so if you're interested then please check out my blog entitled Questions And Answers. Thank you. The Corn.
How do you spell da ja vu? I have a feeling I didn't get that one right...
Déjà-vu.
6738996 Thanks, I'll get that changed
At the end, looser is actually spelled loser. Just thought I'd let you know. Not to be a grammar nazi or anything. Other that that I really like it!
My dad had to prize me apart from my controller. I think you mean pry.
6748932 Okay, got that changed now, thanks.
In Pinkie's long speech there's just a few spelling errors. Corse- course, ba- be, friend- friends, and lastly names- name's.
I don't dislike your story! Just that I think you can actually make it longer and explore more to it.
I like this story!
7665396 Thank you! And thanks for favouriting!
Update plz?
7738144 I'm so sorry that the update is so late, I've had a lot of family issues lately, but hopefully the update should be finished by the end of the day and if you're lucky
So sorry again for it being so late I hope you enjoy the next chapter as soon as it's out.
And spoiler Her brother's going to come into the story soon... Maybe not next chapter but soon...
I hope I didn't change from past to present tense too much, I've been having trouble with that lately, sorry if I did.
Cornman.
8029827
Still waiting!
8446475
Sorry! Thank you for your patience. Next chapter should be out in October.