• Member Since 26th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Alchemystudent


Loves to read and write, I decided to try writing fanfiction after a long hiatus thanks to ponies

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Source

It's hard being the big sibling to a hero, knowing that any moment could be the little one's last. Big Mac knows this well, because his little sister is the element of Honesty. He now spends an afternoon thinking about his place now, and what he means to the world. Who is he compared to a mare who beat gods, and is he still a hero to someone.

Cover art by, Mirelmture

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 10 )

Kind of want you to do multiple chapters with each of those characters. It was just too good.

Hmm. I suppose I should leave a little bit of criticism behind here.

This story is very, well, shall I say middle-of-the-road. You have some pretty strong characterization on Big Mac's part, but there's several places where your haste to get this published shows very plainly. My primary concern is the overall tell-y nature of the narrative. So many places you could have shown us the depth of Big Mac's struggle, but instead quickly explained it in shorthand and moved along with the story. It cheapened the emotional impact, and by the end of the fic, I can't say that this story really delivered what it intended to do.

Also, using phonetics in the dialogue (e.g. Replacing "I" with "Ah") is something that should not be done. It affects the way the dialogue reads negatively. Your dialogue isn't the worst case of Suthernur Sindroam I've ever seen, but I would recommend laying off of that because we already know that the Apple family drawls. Focus more on word choices, not on trying to sound out how they say their words.

In conclusion, I applaud your efforts for being so speedy on the delivery, but a few more hours to let this thing get properly done would have probably worked wonders. On my completely arbitrary grading scale, I rate it 6/10.

Getting a copy editor to look this over would improve things significantly.

looking back at the farmhouse, she smiled softly to himself as he thought back to years before, in a bedroom not too far away and a little filly.

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It seems unlikely that her leg is broken if she can still limp using it. Better to describe it as injured.

TYPO: This is an important one. He's called "Big Mac." Sometimes someone might call him "Mackie," but never "Big Mack." Also, the "Mac" or "Mackie" needs to be capitalized. I've seen his full name spelled as "MacIntosh" and "McIntosh," with or without the "a." This is all an English translation from Equestrian, anyway.

Okay story. Was agreat read. BTW there's an error here.

Kicking a rock, Big Mac shook his head, “And now she’s facing the scary things all the time.” He continued to walk down his path, hearing the voices of his little sister playing with him, running past the orchard, and laughing all the while. Turning his head to look at one tree, he thought he saw Applejack at the age of five sitting against the tree and crying over a cut on her foreleg. He blinked away some tears as he remembered how he came running to her the moment her heard her crying, and how he began to fix her little accident, “Are they doing that with you now? Are they fixing up your little booboos, keeping an eye on you while you sleep? What am Ah saying,of course they are. You don’t need me now, you’re a hero.”

Such a sweet short story between AJ and Big Macintosh!

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