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Bad Horse 1410887

Joined April 2012
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    Bad Horse's Stories (14)

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    Harry descended the stairs to Spike's lair and, though he knew from experience how much easier it would be for Spike to penetrate his mind if he arrived angry and resentful, he fumed once more at Headmistress Sparkle for not making an effort to find somepony, anypony, other than Professor Spike to teach him occlumency.  Everypony but her could see that the dragon wasn't just twisted and cruel - he was dangerous.

    "You're late, Trotter," said Spike coldly, as Harry closed the door behind him.

    Spike was standing behind his desk with his back to Harry, removing, as usual, certain of his thoughts and placing them carefully in Twilight's pensieve, which stood on a tripod in the corner behind his desk. He dropped the last silvery strand into the stone basin and turned to face Harry.  Harry looked up into the glittering reptilian eyes for a moment, then quickly looked down at the legs of Spike's desk.

    "So," Spike said, in a voice that could almost be called quiet, if it were not so deep and resonant that it set Harry's bones shaking.  "Have you been practising?"

    "Yes," Harry lied.

    Spike grinned, showing rows of razor-sharp teeth.  "Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" he said smoothly. "Horn up, Trotter."

    Harry moved into his usual position, facing Spike with the desk between them. His heart was pumping fast with anxiety about what Spike was about to extract from his mind.

    "On the count of three then," said Spike lazily. "One - two -"

    Spike's office door banged open and a smaller dragon sped in.  "Professor Spike, sir - oh - sorry -"  Malfeasance looked at Spike and Harry in surprise.

    "Well, what is it?" asked Spike.  "Trotter is here for a little remedial dragon magic."

    "They've found Hoofbert, sir, he's turned up jammed inside a stall on the fourth floor."

    "Very well, Trotter," said Spike, "we shall resume this lesson tomorrow evening."

    He turned and swept from his office with majestic malevolence, as only a dragon could.  Malfeasance mouthed, "Remedial dragon magic?" at Harry behind Spike's back before following the professor.

    Harry looked over his withers, his heart pumping even harder and faster.  He walked to the pensieve and stood over it, gazing into its depths.  He hesitated, listening.  The office and the corridor beyond were silent. He gave the contents of the pensieve a small prod with the end of his horn.

    The silvery stuff within began to swirl very fast.  Harry leaned forwards over it and saw it had become transparent. He was looking down onto a street… in fact, he was looking down onto Main Street in Canterlot.

    He took a great gulp of air, and plunged his face into the surface of Spike's thoughts.  At once, the floor of the office lurched, tipping Harry head-first into the pensieve…

    And the first thing he saw was his father.

    It was as though he were looking at himself, but with deliberate mistakes. The prince's eyes were blue, and there was no scar on his forehead; but they had the same long face, same flawless white coat; the prince's mane flopped between his eyes exactly as Harry's did.

    "I'm bored," said Hoity-Toity.

    "This may interest you," said Prince Blueblood quietly.  "Look who it is…"

    Hoity-Toity's head turned.  He became still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.  "Oh, excellent," he said softly.

    Harry turned to see what they were looking at.  And there he was, walking down the path towards them.  Harry stared.  Spike-the-teenager was barely half the height of a pony, with scales that were rounded instead of dagger-like, and eyes larger than his mouth rather than the other way around.  You could even call him cute.  He had a naive, trusting, happy look, like a foal in a field on a summer day.

    "How are you today, Spikey-wikey?" said the prince loudly.

    "Uh... fine, I guess," Spike replied uncertainly.

    "I don't think that's the correct answer," the prince responded.

    "It isn't?  I think I feel fine..."  Spike raised a claw to feel his forehead.

    "I think," Prince Bluebood said, "you meant to say, I'm fine, your highness."

    "How would you know that?" Spike asked, puzzled.

    Hoity-Toity let out an amused whinny.  The Prince's horn glowed with a blue light, and Spike was unceremoniously hauled into the air by his tail, so that he was hanging upside down in the middle of the street.  A yo-yo and a slightly-gnawed ruby fell out of his vest pockets onto the cobblestones.  Several watching ponies laughed.

    "Leave him ALONE!"

    Blueblood and Fancy-Pants looked round. Blueblood immediately turned his attention to straightening - and then slightly dishevelling - his mane.

    It was a unicorn mare. She was almost as pure white as the prince, with three blue diamonds for her cutie mark, and a thick, curled violet mane that fell past her shoulders, and startlingly blue eyes - Harry's eyes.

    Harry's mother.

    "Is everything all right, Miss Rarity?" asked the prince.  His voice was suddenly pleasant, and deeper.

    "Leave him alone," Rarity repeated.  She was looking at the prince with every sign of great dislike.

    "I might... for a kiss," said Blueblood.  "One little kiss and I'll never point my horn at old Spikey again."

    "I would rather kiss a diamond dog," said Rarity.  But she looked at Spike, hanging in the air, and her eyebrows rose in worry, and then fell in resignation.

    Spike, still hanging upside-down, called out, "No, Rarity - don't!  I'm fine!"  But she was looking at Blueblood, the way a pony might look at a lion it knew it could not escape, and took a hesitant step towards him.

    The little dragon took a deep breath, and said as loudly as he could, "I... I don't need help from a FILLY!"

    Rarity blinked.

    "A-and..." Spike added, "a sissy one, at that!"  He looked away from her, hiding a tear, which rolled up his face as he hung upside-down, then dripped silently onto the cobblestones.

    Rarity came to a halt and delicately stamped one rear leg.  "Fine," she said coolly.  "I won't bother in the future, Spike.  And as for you - " - she turned to the prince - "messing up your hair because you think it looks cool, abusing anypony you please just because you can - You make me SICK."  She turned and trotted away.

    Spike crashed to the street as Blueblood turned to watch her go.  The prince's brow furrowed in anger, but he said nothing.  Harry could see the little dragon literally bite his tongue to keep from calling out as he, too, silently watched Rarity leave.

    She didn't look back.

    "How does a mare with such sartorial taste have such poor taste in love?" said Blueblood casually, as though the question were of no importance to him.

    "Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited," said Hoity-Toity.

    "I see," said Blueblood, who looked furious, and alarmingly calm.  He bent his head downward, eyes narrowed, and snorted softly.  Then he whipped his head around, and his horn glowed; and Spike, who had begun to scramble away, was once again hoisted into the air.  "Who wants to see a dragon dance?" Blueblood asked the onlookers.

    Suddenly Harry felt himself also rising into the air; the summer's day evaporated around him; he was floating upwards through icy blackness, a claw tight upon his upper foreleg with a pincer-like grip. Then his hooves hit the stone floor of Spike's lair and he was standing again beside the pensieve on Spike's desk in the shadowy, present-day dragon magic master's study.

    "So," said Spike, gripping Harry's foreleg so tightly it was starting to feel numb.  "Been enjoying yourself, Trotter?'

    "N-no," said Harry.

    Spike's jaw quivered, his teeth were bared, and his eyes were cold and intense and even narrower than usual.  "Amusing pony, your father, wasn't he?" he said, shaking Harry so hard his glasses slipped down his nose.

    "I - didn't -"

    Spike threw Harry from him with all his considerable might.  Harry fell hard onto the floor.

    "You will not repeat what you saw to anypony!" Spike bellowed, and green flames licked at Harry's mane.

    "No," said Harry, getting to his feet as far from Spike as he could.  “No, of course I w-"

    "Get out, get out, I don't want to see you in this office ever again!"

    And as Harry hurtled through the door, a thrown jar smashed into the lintel over his head, and something black and powdery and nasty spilled from it onto his mane.  He ran out the open door and galloped along the corridor, stopping only when he had put three archways between himself and Spike.  There he leaned against the wall, panting, and rubbing his bruised foreleg.

    Comments ( 13 )

    #1 · 49w, 3d ago · · ·
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    I read all the Harry Potter books, but I never appreciated Rowlings' style until I tried to change it.  Sentence after sentence, I copied the original, sneered a little inwardly, rewrote it reflexively in my style, and then looked at the result and said, "Wait, her way's better."

    This is not simply pasting in different character names, although I would have done that if the resulting story had made sense.  Most of the changes are in the middle third.

    It's interesting how large changes in the backstory require tiny changes in the story that produce large changes in its meaning.  For instance, when Snape calls Lily a mudblood, he's letting out his own twisted feelings that he's been suppressing.  Afterwards, his loathing of Harry is partly self-loathing, because he knows it's partly his own fault that he lost Lily.  When Spike insults Rarity, it's deliberate, in order to stop her from kissing Blueblood.  And when he loses Rarity as a result, it's not his fault.  Which makes a person more bitter?

    kavic did the artwork.  I'm very pleased with it.

    And, yes, 'pensieve' is capitalized in the books.  That was a mistake on Ms. Rowling's part.  I have a note from Professor McGonagall.

    #2 · 49w, 2d ago · · ·
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    >>704550 u retard again?

    stupid spammers :ajbemused:

    #3 · 49w, 2d ago · · ·
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    Wait. Rarity married Blueblood? And that's the only thing I take from this? Meh.

    #4 · 49w, 2d ago · 3 · ·
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    >>702723 I looked at this a while ago and read your comment, then did a few other things, then came back and read it again because I've been thinking about how to reply, and lo and behold you've edited it. I don't know if remember what you said the first time but I felt like it raised a few interesting points about the story that are now lost.

    Like me, I sense that you edit for conciseness to the point where the words lose their power. I learned to do this after reading The Elements of Style, which (idiotically, I now believe), implied that you should count the number of words in every sentence and see how few you can get away with, as if every superfluous word cost a kitten its life or something. When really, most readers don't give a darn about word count and just want a good story.

    This crossover must have been a really interesting and difficult writing exercise, then, as you mentioned. J.K. Rowling is clearly a master storyteller and a lot can be learned from her. It makes me want to start writing some short stories in different author's styles just to try them out. (I tend naturally to write in Victorian prose because of my Dickens fetish, which means lots of annoyingly long sentences, commas, and semicolons; I should try something like The Road to take me out of my comfort zone, eh?)

    Now I want to comment on the actual story but I have an exam in less than 2 hours. Sorry. :twilightblush:

    Oh, and re: your missing cutie mark comment, PRAISE THE LORD you didn't give him a lightning bolt. :twilightoops:

    #5 · 49w, 2d ago · · 1 ·
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    What ze buck is zis sh*t?

    #6 · 49w, 2d ago · · ·
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    >>704770

    I'm also a victim of the Elements of Style, and of many writing classes/seminars/workshops, etc.  I'm increasingly of the opinion that the entire literary establishment has been off doing its own thing for the past 100 years, and no longer has any notion of what makes a good story that people like to read.  If one of them accidentally writes something that people do enjoy, they're embarrassed by it, and try to claim that it was meant ironically.

    But it seems I have no notion of what people want to read, either - this story has 3 thumbs-ups and 5 thumbs-down.  I remember a Yu-Gi-Oh self-insert that was a sequence of random battle scenes, with no punctuation or even paragraph breaks, that did better than that.  So I'm scratching my head over the strong negative reaction.  Do people just get to the end and say, "Oh, that was sad, I'll give it a thumbs-down"?  The most-favorable interpretation I can think of is that they feel that the one remembered scene would not be enough to change Rarity's feelings that much.

    #7 · 49w, 2d ago · · ·
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    This was a great short story verision of one the key chapters in "Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoneix", J.K. Rowlings really knows how to write. :yay:

    Intresting to see that Blueblood is James Potter, Rarity is Lilly, and Hoity Toity is either Sirus Black or Petter Petigrew a.k.a Wormtail. :twistnerd:

    #8 · 49w, 2d ago · · ·
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    >>705177 You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear someone else say that. :pinkiesad2:

    It's probably being downvoted immediately for the premise, rather than any actual problem with the story. Harry Potter fanboys are flankhurt because you messed with their characters, people who expected comedy got bored in the first five seconds (MLP mashups scream comedy, apparently), and so on. I don't read crossovers, myself, and the only reason I even commented was because I found your author's note so thought-provoking. Oh, and your username. :twilightblush:

    #9 · 49w, 1d ago · · ·
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    omg this is sooooo bucking awesome :pinkiehappy: i love harry potter so this is extra awesome have a stach:moustache:

    #10 · 49w, 1d ago · · ·
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    Hmm.

    Having not read the books myself I have no idea whether this is simply copied from the book itself and the names and species changed to reflect MLP-- but if not, I must say it's an interesting idea and I would like to see more of it.

    Too bad it's marked complete; I would like to see something more along these lines.

    #11 · 49w, 1d ago · · ·
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    >>709730

    Thanks!

    I would guess that 3/4 of the words are copied.  Most of the changes are either in the descriptions, in character reactions where the original wasn't appropriate to the new character, moving small bits around as a result of other changes, or in the middle section.  Also, the original is much longer.  For instance, the red parts below are new.  I moved the pensieve because the original location on the desk was physically impossible, moved "looked down at the legs of Snape's desk" into a different paragraph because it had been dangling by itself between paragraphs in a way that had suggested Harry saw something there instead of making it clear that he was avoiding Snape's gaze; and changed the descriptions of Spike.

    Spike was standing behind his desk with his back to Harry, removing, as usual, certain of his thoughts and placing them carefully in Twilight's pensieve, which stood on a tripod in the corner behind his desk. He dropped the last silvery strand into the stone basin and turned to face Harry.  Harry looked up into the glittering reptilian eyes for a moment, then quickly looked down at the legs of Spike's desk.

    "So," Spike said, in a voice that could almost be called quiet, if it were not so deep and resonant that it set Harry's bones shaking. "Have you been practising?"

    #12 · 5w, 3d ago · · ·
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    I'm confused by this.  I wasn't going to bother trying to puzzle out a reason for it to exist, but then my subconscious suggested that maybe it was a writing experiment.  (But even so, I don't necessarily see why it's here?...)

    It's interesting what this says about the characters (all of them).  Canon!Spike probably would do that.  I think it says different things about Spike than it does about Snape, but I'm not sure.

    Why did you decide to make Spike Snape?

    #13 · 5w, 3d ago · · ·
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    >>2400373 It was a writing experiment, but I was also interested in the story. I made Spike Snape because of the parallels between their unrequited loves.

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