Ahuizotl stands above the remains of his mortal foe. Mrs. Do’s sudden passing evokes a great many feelings in the ancient immortal.
Triumph is not one of them.
Fourth Place in the August Write-Off - I Regret Nothing.
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- Member Since 2nd Nov, 2014
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
The Cyan Recluse
I'm reclusive. It's right there in the name.
The Cyan Recluse
Joined 2nd Nov, 2014 ·
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Ok actually liked the twist that the one Ahuizotl was morning was Dareing's mother, some how I don't see Dareing ever saying Jjnkies.
That was a fantastic plot twist. Well done.
6466066
You know, half the people who reviewed this story in the Write Off hated the 'Jinkies' and felt it broke the immersion of the story. The other half thought it was hilarious and a wonderful addition. In the end I decided to leave it as is instead od removing it. I figure that if nothing else, it gives a hint that it isn't Daring Do he's talking about.
6467190
Thanks. I appreciate it.
6468739
Well jinkies is a fine word, I like it, I just don't see Dareing saying it, makes me think her mom was more nerdy.
A nice short story with a little twist at the end. Well done. (Also, first like!)
loved the story, it was sad and emotional, with a great plot twist to the end fore shadowing maybe future stories.
Awesome little short story you have here, I must admit, I wasn't expecting that twist at the end. I do feel somewhat bad for both of them however, him for being unable to comfort her and her for losing someone so important (trying to avoid spoilers makes me sound like a moron since I can't go into detail about who I am talking about lol).
I admit, I'm with the group of people who thought jinkies was both funny and a sort of nod to all those old cartoons some of us grew up watching.
And while I see if far, far to often in story comments saying that you should write more a story (I myself am guilty of that), I mus admit, I wouldn't mind reading something from his point of view as he does battle for all those bobbles and trinkets, perhaps even from both of their point of views.
Still, weather you add more to this or not, it was enjoyable. So... bravo.
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That was very well done. The writing was excellent and I really liked the way you twisted things from his perspective. It didn't quite have the literary depth of Coming Home, but it was still great.
Really enjoyable and just-heartwrenching-enough.
I do hope that Ahuizotl does someday let Daring know that he didn't actually kill her mom; it'd be sad if she spent her whole life driven by hate.
That's very strangely heartwarming. I wonder if Ahuizotl would try to teach Daring Do's daughter things, in a strange villainous way of respect. The voice you gave him was so interesting to read.
That was rather touching. So much effort put into making sure one young girl would get to be happy and get to do what she does best. This should have been placed higher.
The sight of your dead mother fills you with determination.
Is this an UNDERTALE fic?
This... is something that actually makes sense... I could even see Ahuizotl going so far as to construct temples with death traps and stuff, spreading rumours of a "doomy talisman of doom", then plan an evil plan for her to foil.
I like how he's not evil, he just like playing the villain...
6466066 Yeah, I hear ya.
I can hear Velma Dinkley (of the Mystery, Inc. gang) saying that, but not our dear Daring Do.
And to the author, nice spin on this. You had me actually thinking that it was Daring right up til the end there.
Bravo, and well done, sir!
Or madam, as the case might happen to be.
If it wasn't almost impossible for me to actually cry then I would have shed a good bit of tears from this story. You madam have done a great job.
Oh, that was nice! For once, a perspective I truly didn't see coming.
Have a like and a fav.
What a swerve there at the end! And how nice to see a sympathetic Ahuizotl.
Have a like!
Ahuizotl is perhaps a little bit lucky that he can have it both ways, both giving purpose and excitement to his own life while dropping hints to Daring Do as to where new artifacts to be found are located, inspiring her to continue her own adventures. One wonders how long he can keep this scheme going, with perhaps a Daring Do III or Daring Do IV.
I suppose, in any case, that once he no longer has any of Daring Do's descendants remaining that pester him, I could see him finding one of his fellow immortals (Celestia, Luna, Discord), regaling them with the tale of this feisty mare and her family line that gave his life meaning for a brief blip of time, then sealing himself away again.
You could perhaps link his monologue about the passage of time and the meaningless of physical objects that will eventually become dust to the more metaphysical, emotional, etc. If Ahuizotl possesses a sufficient enough memory, in ten thousand years he may be the only one who remembers Daring Do, with none of her books remaining.
Wow... just... wow.
Well after all where would a villain be without a hero to fight him?
Second time... Dang! What a good story. Sad at the same time.
Read the story again & again, & decided to edit my comment: Sad but in the end... a sense of hope. A drive for perseverance... Behind every cloud is the brightness of the sun.
A good story. I hope he continues to lead Daring's descendant on an extended merry chase.
I freakin' love this.
Well, that settles it. I like the way your mind quirks. Have a watch!
Bravo. Great read
At the end, I'm assuming the filly is Dashing Do, but you've got Ahuizotl calling her Daring Do.
7659427 Actually, the mother is Dashing Do :P Daughter is Daring Do! In otherwords? Daring's mother woke him, and he simply allows Dashing's legacy to continue for her daughter, allowing her the same fire to burn. She needs the adventure too, and Ahruizotl will grant it.
6661304
You mean Dashing Do's daughter, Daring Do.
Hi! I love your story, it's such a touching take on the idea. Do you mind if I refer to Dashing Do in an entry for the Smoking Tiger Collective please? I thought it might be a nice way to tie in.
Well, heck. This was more than depressing.
Dang that was super sad
Excellent! Cohesive backstory, and great pacing. You probably did right to exclude the additional tidbits, to not ruin the flow, because I can't see any way to improve upon it.
(Personally I would have enjoyed a brief farewell from the villain and a change of tone, sort of "holding hands" as the time was up, but a majority of readers would surely find it cheesy, so you did the right thing.)
Now THIS is a "redemption" I can get behind. He was NEVER a villain, he merely played along. But saying "I want to protect things" after "I will unleash 800 years of unrelenting, SWELTERING HEAT!", that is just STUPID. However, if he knowingly PLAYED a villain, especially with nonlethal traps and dummy followers, well, not much is lost when he is revealed to be something else.