IM excited if no one else

edit: OH GOD THAT JUST MADE THINGS WORSE. Next please. These are, in fact, great.

It's here.  It's finally here!

EDIT

Whoa.  That first part and all the rhyming...now that's skill.  Great job!

Why would Celstia let him read such a horrible book! Talk about early implanted racism!

Beautiful language on Zecora.  I'm always impressed when people use her as a character.

I'm very excited to hear of Blueblood's quest and eagerly await more.

I like it! Zecora's a great character who doesn't get enough love. I love the story of Blueblood and the foals, so I'm really interested to see where this goes. It's enough to actually make me feel sorry for the dumb donkey.

Wow, you've actually made me feel bad for Blueblood. You raise an interesting point about the redundancy of a royal family when the two rulers are functional immortals. Hopefully our changed prince can find his own band of ponies to lead by himself.

I love how even the narrative from Zecora's viewpoint is in rhyme.  

I like your premise and I am looking forward to where you will take us on this endeavor.

more please. tracking this.

I have been waiting

^_^ thank you for putting up with my non-waiting  skill  

Another comment, the story i just read, now of all times has rhymes dancing in my head.  I hope you do go with sense and purpose. Or a readers revolt will be you.... something that rhymes

^_^ YAY. first post. Time to eat away at the new Chapter. NOM NOM NOM  Here is a link to the face i am making Amazing

Well, this is certainly taking a turn down a path which i did not foresee happening, but i like it. Keep it coming sir.

Yes, now that i have read this i am quite amazed.  I love the left feild turn of events. If i could like this more than once i could but sadly i cant. Grrrr.

What if it turns out Blueblood is stil high, the ghost is his deeply repressed resentment towards Celestia, and the approaching Cadence delusion is his sexuality?

What a twist!

""And so, we died," he sighed, sweeping a hand to encompass the castle and city around them."

Lyra would be so jealous!

>>783161783161

I kept thinking something similar- that maybe Blueblood was still drugged out of his mind when he met his "ancestor"; in other words, desperate to find some meaning to his life, he dreams up a legacy of betrayal and vengeance. Imagine how sad that would be, especially for Celestia, who only had her sister returned from the throes of madness a few years ago at most...

>>783441783441

Whoops!  I kept making that mistake, actually.  Apparently, my subconscious thinks undead ghost kings are supposed to have hands.  Stupid Shakespeare.

>>783455783455

Welp, at least Azure Throne doesn't appear to have died from ear poison. I've always felt that was a humiliating way to go; barely above strangled with own bow-tie.

Okay, i just got even more invested in this story of yours. Good show for throwing that wild turn out there.

Hah! Tricking another into sacrificing loved ones for revenge and calling up armies of the dead... Mayhap we should call our dear dead king "Frozen Throne" now, instead of Azure Throne.

I wonder what will come of this. I think Blueblood expected his people to have a pulse, among other things. That is, if they are even his. Grandfather blue has been going on about his armies, rather than theirs, and it's not clear his grandson is even needed anymore. Hmm- maybe he thinks once they've had their revenge, they'll just fade away? In that case he'd need somepony to take over. Nevermind that the living probably don't want the dead in charge anyhow...

Also, if I were Blueblood, I'd likely try and get a refund on that whole 'vision quest' thingie. Seriously, up till now, his destiny sucked.

>>784135784135

"Hah! Tricking another into sacrificing loved ones for revenge and calling up armies of the dead... Mayhap we should call our dear dead king "Frozen Throne" now, instead of Azure Throne."

Mildly unrelated rant ahoy!

If you ever have the misfortune to read Arthas, the official novelization of Warcraft III and prequel to Wrath of the Lich King, well, I'm sorry.  But you'll also notice that, in order to add "depth" to Arthas' character, they changed one of the basic motivations for his fall from grace.  In the games, he was clearly an arrogant, overconfident idiot with anger management issues who let himself get tricked into joining the Dark Side.  In the novel, he was really just grieving for his horse.  See, he tried to jump this ravine in the snow, but he couldn't see how far it really was.  So the horse fell and broke its legs.  And his guilt over that incident is what gradually turned him from a smart, kindhearted young man to a complete psycho.

I really don't like that book.

So, anyway, I'll admit, part of my inspiration for this story came from lingering resentment against how badly they'd butchered Arthas' origin.

Not that Blueblood's necessarily going to be putting on any cursed helmets or stabbing parental figures in their throne rooms.  ...Maybe.

Good Story, Since bring people back from the dead is possible now try to bring her back.  Since i can foresee a really really pissed off Shining Armor

Holy crap man >.> just pushing out chapters left and right i am quite impressed.

>>786391786391

Heh, thank ya.  I admit, writing that first chapter was an uphill battle.  I like Zecora, and I like rhyming, but I was worried that I was bogging down the story with unnecessary dialogue.  Now that we're into the action, though, I'm definitely feeling the writing bug.  At this rate, I might actually finish up by tomorrow evening...though I don't wanna make any promises.  Civilization V: Gods and Kings did come out this week, after all.

>>786412786412Perfectly understandable, I am still working on the diologe for my story. the chapter is done but i still needs work. it nice when you can finially see the end of the story, and all you need it to write it.

You're making me like this story too much, so far you've given an interesting plot, quick updates, and good dialogue. That's a hard combination to maintain for most people. Keep it up.

I'd just like to give a quick shout-out to Chengar Qordath, whose characterization of Cloudkicker and Bossomforth inspired their appearance here.  And by "inspired" I mean that I mean I totally ripped him off.  

either you wrote this up in the last few days and have just been in the editing process or you are a very quick writer. Which ever it is, well done.

Poo, thought i was going to be first again.  This story get better by the chapter and im glad Candance is not dead. ^_^ If i vagly remember a curtain Specular being worryed about his head being decapitated at the mountain. Also +1000 points for adding my favorite pony Derpy.

Oh, goody. Tyrantlestia. My favourite.

You're treading on dangerous ground, here. Be wary.

Yeah, I'm done with this.

Sorry.

>>788836788836

Well, to each their own.  Although if your primary complaint is that the lying, undead necromancer told a story about Celestia that you don't like, you may want to consider that the source might be less than 100% accurate.

Regardless, thank you for reading as far as you did.  Trust me, I get that this story isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea.  But it's a fun experiment for me.

Um.  Chapter 5 just got eaten.  I logged on with my phone to check comments, and, somehow, what should have been the above reply ended up replacing the entire chapter.

Contacting the site's support.  Maybe they can help?  Maybe not.

Balls.

EDIT: Nope, the chapter's vanished into the ether.  Well, looks like I'll be doing some rewriting tomorrow.

Okay, Chapter 5 v2 is up!  It's mostly the same, but I added a massive amount of exposition to the end that you might want to check out.  Hopefully, it doesn't come across as completely boring.  I just couldn't stop writing Blueblood talking to Cadence's decapitated skull.

So the original cadence might still be Alive. There is a hope

'Sudden but inevitable betrayal'? One of the best lines from Firefly, I agree.

This is an awesome story, too. And a war of undead vs. Equestria has spawned from Blueblood going to talk at a school. Cool. Wait, not cool, it's war and a thousand pony skeletons living a horrible unlife. But the story is cool.

Sweet, this updated only a few hours after I first read it. What luck!

YAY. litterally been camping the site waiting for this update

He just gave up, fell out of my chair laughing.

That... sounds like a very fun destiny. 'I am destined to fight a horde of reanimated dead, helping to bring together those who can defeat them, while making puns.'

>>787500787500

Shout-outs are always appreciated.

Annnd, that's it!  All done.  Except for going back, proofreading, and editing where needed.

Somehow, this story I projected to be about 12k words turned into more than twice that.  It's even longer than Coins and Crowns!  Frickin' ridiculous.

In the end, I had a lot of fun writing it.  Not to sound like a completely pretentious poser artiste, but I reached into some of the darker parts of my soul to write Blueblood, and I think it turned out well.

I also got to have a pony valiantly pun a dragon in the face of death.  So definitely a win.

Those of you who've been following along, thank you for the encouragement!  I hope you enjoyed reading this thing as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Also, in honor of the story going in a somewhat different direction than I expected, I've changed the title to "The Strange Destiny of Prince Blueblood," which I think better reflects the nature of the beast.

Thank you all for reading!  And please, any comments, criticisms, or suggestions for the editing process are more than welcome.

- Kavonde

good story Kavonde, you finished it alot quicker then i thought you were going to, but thats not a bad thing. Though now, im left wondering if there is potential for a third episode in this branch you have created.  

Redemption Fic statistics: Trixie: about 95% of the ones which feature her. Gilda: 60%. Chrysalis: 20%, generous. Blueblood: 2, not percent, just 2 that I've read. Including this one.

Also, this has been great.

>>796019796019 There is no greater win than shouting puns at an undead dragon while redeeming yourself for almost dooming a nation. Or at least very few.

>>796054796054

Yeesh... I hope not

>>796062796062

Is the other one "The Blueblood Chronicles?"  Because if not, I highly recommend checking it out.  Fantastic stuff.

(I didn't start reading it until I was about halfway through this, so our Bluebloods don't have much in common.  His is a much, much better pony.)

>>796084796084 Actually, I was thinking of Best Day Ever and its sequel, This Platinum Crown.  I'll be sure to read this Blueblood Chronicles story right away. It's odd how there are so few people redeeming Blueblood, when they do redeem evil chaos gods and invading buglike infiltrators. It's not even that it's the more extreme antagonists are in more dire need of redemption or something. Trixie, who didn't do too much antagonism herself also got heaps of redemption fics. So why pick on Blueblood?

It ended fantasically although i wont lie i WANT TO KNOW WHO HE IS DATING... >.< i know its one of those things were we can just choose and be happy about it but cmon. as a fellow author give a nigga a clue :p

>>796108796108

Well, I think there's two reasons:

One, he's a classic villain archetype, but he didn't actually get much screen time or any development.  We don't know what his motivations are, we don't know what happened to make him such a jerk.  He's probably the most flat and one-dimensional character on the show.  We know Trixie is aware that she's a liar and a fraud; we know Discord is kind of a goofball; we know that Chrysallis has mouths to feed.  But Blueblood?  All we know is that he's a jerk.  So, I can see why most folks never really stormed the gates and demanded 'fics of him.

Two, he was mean to Rarity, and Rarity is best pony.

>>797106797106

Hey, I'll give ya the same clue that Blue gave Celestia... It's someone she's met

>>796108796108

Okay, just read "The Best Night Ever."  Dude.  Just... dude.

Calling it fantastic doesn't do it justice.  One of the best stories, period, that I have ever read.

>>799683799683 Excellent.

>>799683799683

The best night ever is the reason i like Blueblood stories

HOORAY! A SEQUEL! :D

Your ability to write Zecora off as a wise healer is amazing, especially when she's still able to come off as wise while RHYMING PERFECTLY.

You know, I think I just have to track you as an author. :)

I'll be the first to say it, the part with him realizing he was on the mountain, and dozes of kilometres away was Canterlot gave me a Skyrimesque feel. XD

I personally think that the relatively small library of Blueblood adventures we have put together makes up for in quality what it lacks in quantity. Thanks for the fun read.

I have no regrets about the hour I spent reading this. None. Who did he start dating?

I'm really liking this so far.

One very minor language quibble: The word is "till", not "'til". Both "until" and "till" are full words with a long history of use, and one is not simply a contraction of the other.

>>817142817142

You are correct, sir!  Though "'til" (with an apostrophe) is used much more commonly in the U.S. (my base of operations) than "till," it does need an apostrophe to be correct according to the Chicago Manual of Style.  That li'l thing is one of my pet peeves, though; I hate little grammatical rules that (in my mind) don't serve any real function and disrupt the flow of a sentence.

Still, I caved on my abuse of elipses and em dashes, I s'pose I can start using "'til" correctly, too.  Well, when I change all the Cadences to Cadances (sigh) on my next pass, I'll fix that, too.

(I'm never going to understand why it's spelled with an "a."  I'm really not.)

Oh, ho ho ho!  Things are about to get good!  

The old spectre-turned-undead-skeleton isn't the only one who is proud of Blueblood.  I am, too.  Takes guts, bro.

Cue references to "Life and Times of a Winning Pony".  Ha!  I love that fic!

(Actually reads your comment about stealing those characters.)

>>787500787500  Excellent decision.  

The apology to Cadance's remains was poignant, but I hope it was unnecessary!

>>794335794335  Shining Armor was an incredible flaming plot about it, though, wasn't he?  Seriously.  Blueblood is STILL COMMANDING the army that could destroy him and all of Canterlot, even without Azure Thorne's reinforcements, mostly likely.  Plus, he's the real best bet for rescuing Cadance, as he is the only living pony with a good idea what is going on.  This version of Shiny apparently has less brains than brawn.

And, Cadance proves to be as much of a jerk and a moron as her husband.  In this world you've created, these two truly deserve each other!  Clearly, Blueblood was beyond the whole creepy crush bit, or he wouldn't have taken the route he did on the mountain.  He would have tried to force her to love him.  Doesn't really matter if it would have worked or not.  The point is, he would have tried.  But he didn't.

>>797736797736 I thought from the second I read it it was Blossomforth, though I couldn't say why.

>>818151818151 I hate "'til" with a passion.  In one of my college English classes, I was marked down a point for using "till" instead.  My next essay was all about how "till" was the correct spelling and "'til" was an improper back-formation that was 500 years younger than "till".  Not only did I get an A on that essay, I got the point back from the essay before it.

>>818825818825

Well, in fairness to Cadance and Shining Armor, the story's written from Blueblood's perspective, so we've seen him change a bit.  The last time Cadance saw him, he acted like a slasher movie villain and then used her in a really obviously evil arcane ritual, after which she was locked away somewhere for weeks with no way to contact the outside world.  Shining Armor, meanwhile... well, I didn't really get into his past with Blueblood (sequel hook?), but suffice it to say, the disdain was mutual.  Combine that with the fact that Armor'd been fighting all day and had seen a lot of good ponies die, and, well, he didn't take the news of his wife being sacrificed to raise the army of the undead responsible all that well.

As for Blue's new squeeze, well, that's a definite sequel hook.  Ideas are percolating.

As for "'til" and "till" and "until," I dunno, I might just be weird, but having two "Ls" at the end of "till" bugs me.  I realize there are legitimate etymological reasons for its existence, but hey, language evolves over time.  And if the ultimate purpose of language is to facilitate communication, why do we need two distinct but functionally identical words for the same idea?  Throw off the shackles of grammatical tyranny, I say!  Fight the power!  Free your mind!

I'm a literary revolutionary, man.  I'm a rebel without a clause.

Ending was a big letdown. This is supposed to be a redemption fic. Having him go through all his trials, grow as a pony and save the day...only to be called a creep and kicked out...leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Wow. A very good start. Pretty much everything I wanted to say about Zecora has already been covered above, but to reiterate anyway: you write her perfectly. It's not easy to make her rhyming speech work as normal dialogue, but you pulled it off. The rhyming narrative for the beginning of the chapter was a great touch, too. The "Oh, no, a cannibal!" line had me laughing for about a solid minute. I also like this take on her backstory. Very sad, but you feel that much better that she's found a good life and friends in Ponyville.

So, Blueblood has decided against suicide and is going on a vision quest. Not something I ever expected to read, but why the hay not? Can't wait to see where this takes him...

I'm officially calling it. Thanks to this chapter, Cloudkicker is now best pony.

This was so awesome! I wasn't sure what to expect, but this was really quite good. Blueblood's character arc came along nicely, and the ending was very satisfactory. Great job

Awesome story. I now declare Prince Blueblood the title of the Prince of KICKASS...mental kickass. I love that dude's snark so much and taunting an undead dragon requires serious kahones. I also loved how he pretty much told Rarity to stick her angry rant where the sun don't shine. Because seriously, every story with Blueblood in it has some lecture about his snobbyness or something. It's pretty much captain obvious by now and he's probably heard them all. No offense to Rare, but at that time, being near a prince that was mean to you for one night is a lot better than a skeleton army. So suck it up Rare.

I also liked how Blueblood just could not DIE. Not even if he wanted to. I bet so many fans out there want him dead or wrote about him dying, but this is much more interesting. Because of that, it also makes it almost ironic. Because when even BB is willing to listen to those fans and TRY to die, he can't. It's almost like Moe from Simpsons but we feel bad for the poor Prince.

Ad guess what? This story now has a TV Tropes page.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/TheStrangeDestinyOfPrinceBlueblood

It only took less than a week. Must be a new record.

>>819317819317

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work for ya.  Though I like to think that poor Prince Blue was just carrying on the tradition of some of my favorite heroes, like Peter Parker and Tyrion Lannister.

>>821399821399

Haha, yeah, I found that myself a few days ago.  I'm not sure who started it, but it was originally filed under the 'fic's previous title, "The Prince of the Everfree Forest," so I copied and pasted it all under the newer name.  And then added a bunch more.  And now I want to go back and add even more.  Stupid TVTropes...

>>769946769946 I don't think Celly would have given him that. More of like he found lying around somewhere.

Cloudkicker is best playa

Cadence is a bitch. Princess of love my ass.

>>785384785384 Seriously? Guilt over a freaking horse? Don't get me wrong I've loved and lost animal companions or pets or whatever you'd like to call them but I'm damn sure it won't destroy my life. Sheesh.

>>795608795608 Short but fun.

Definitely great stuff! I'm gonna hafta start following you. I have yto agree though, Cadence making him leave when she presumably could've taken off too left a really bad taste in my mouth. Especially as she didn't even seem to be that sorry about it. She jsut came across as very cold. More chrysalis cadence than the real thing y'know?

honestly though none of that stops this story from being tops and definitely on my recommend list.

This is going to sound pretty harsh in comparison with my last review.  This chapter wasn't as polished as the other story was.  

Often, the rhymes seem forced.  Take the first paragraph for instance.  The word 'fun' doesn't really fit in at all except to push the rhyme, and it's cut into a new sentence instead of continuing the previous one for no reason at all.  Makes it feel choppy.  You don't need the rhymes exactly at the end of sentences, just at the end of phrases.  

slung and fun?  

herb and nerve?  

Rhyming is hard, and I think you needed to spend more time on that.  

For the most part, the storytelling is solid, but there are a few little things.  

>Blueblood read a book on the Savannah?  Okay, that's fine, but there was nothing to hint that Blueblood ever read.  It's just dropped as a detail and never explained.  

>Zecora thinks he's smart after he's being such an idiot?  She might give him compassion and benefit of the doubt, but he's literally done nothing that would suggest that so far.  

>She also says she thinks he's humble.  You note yourself the difference between self-loathing and humble a bit later.  

Zecora seems well put-together.  She used to be terribly distressed, but now seems perfectly fine, and she doesn't tell how that happened, or even hint at a journey that allowed her to be.  There's no message of resignation and acceptance, of moving forwards, or anything.  That's not only missed opportunity for added interesting and depth, but it's also somewhat inconsistent characterization.  

To summarize:

-When you're doing something complicated and tricky, make sure you spend enough time ensuring that it will work, otherwise it can backfire.  

-Every detail you think to add in that seems to contradict what the reader would normally expect should be at least in part explained.  Even if it's just "though that is a story for another time" or some small note that you recognize it's unusual.  It seems your chapters are a decent short-medium length, and lengthening them a little with these explanations shouldn't hurt your pacing.  

Asking someone to look over your story can help you catch these things you might miss when self-editing.  I try to do that after the fact for people, but it's probably nicer to have someone catch these things before you post them.  I mean, it probably would sound less harsh then.  And you'd also then be more likely to feel free to make revisions and improve as a writer.  

I feel bad that I gave you the best review I can give, then I'm saying all of this.  I hope it's helpful.  Think it over a bit and let me know?  

>>822551822551 Exactly.

>>822764822764

Hey, when I say I appreciate feedback on everything, I mean it.  Thank ya for taking the time here.

On Rhyming: I can agree that if I really gave it a lot of effort, I could turn Zecora's rhymes into some true poetry.  However, I didn't drive myself crazy making every rhyme perfect, chiefly because the "real" Zecora's rhymes are far from perfect themselves.  I figure, she rhymes constantly, but not necessarily always well.  Sometimes, she's just more concerned about getting to the point of what she's trying to say than with making sure her wording's perfect.  And that first section, being entirely in her mind, was kind of my idea of how she goes through life when no one else is around.

In a later chapter, she talks about how she and her fellow shaman-in-training would play rhyming games constantly.  It's her way of remembering them, but she also doesn't obsess over it to the point of driving herself nuts.

On Blueblood's Reading: I do disagree with this point.  We know that Blueblood's fairly smart and has a decent vocabulary; these suggest, to me at least, a guy who cracks open the occasional book.  He later mentions that he and Cadance used to spend time in the Canterlot library, which I could probably add a mention of in Chapter 3, but I don't think it's asking the audience to suspend disbelief that he knows how to read.

(His vocabulary and deadpan humor are also what tip Zecora off to him having more than a few brain cells, by the by.  Not explicitly spelled out, but hopefully by this point the audience, by looking through his eyes, has accepted that he's a reasonably smart guy, too.)

As for the "humble" thing...hey, even Blueblood tells her she's wrong.  Though, I think she's actually right; by the end of the story, he's shown himself ready and willing to discard his pride in the name of pragmatism multiple times.   It's honestly one of the main attributes I wanted him to have; he never lets pride stand in the way of the smart thing to do.  "Humble" might not be the exact right word for it, but hey, if I'm not sure how better to put it, how would Zecora be?

On Zecora: I'm not sure what you mean by "inconsistent characterization."  She hit a really low point, but she ended up surviving despite herself and eventually found a new home.  Her story sort of parallels what Blueblood's going to go through.  I could have made her more outwardly damaged from the experience, but that seemed like unnecessary pathos.  Life sucked, she dealt with it, now it's better.  C'est la vie.

As for posting stories before I'm done obsessing over them, well, I mean no disrespect to FiMFiction here, but until I submit my stories to EqD, everything here is a rough draft.  I just make 'em public so people (like yourself, which I seriously appreciate) can look at 'em and give me some feedback.  It's also a healthy bit of ego-stroking, what can I say?  "Look, I'm writing this thing, and it's got all these little errors and mistakes, but people still like it!  "

I definitely understand where your criticisms come from, and I definitely appreciate the input.  I will take everything you said into account and give things another look, though I can't guarantee I'll change much.  Regardless, thanks for caring, man

To be fair, Blueblood did start a war, kill potentially thousands of ponies, etc. The fact that he helped end it only counts for so much when, without his stupidity, it never would've happened in the first place. So I say that Cadance's decision was justified. Blueblood got off easy, really, and the relocation to Ponyville obviously went well for him.

But yeah, this turned out to be pretty damned good. I went into A Teacher With No Class last night hoping for a dumb comedy that would make me chuckle for a few minutes. I wound up getting one of the most kickass/hilarious/generally awesome Adventure fics I've ever read. *shakes head* What a .

...and then you just about killed it with TwiBlood at the end, there. Just about. The rest of the story more than makes up for that most greivous of sins, though. Thumbs up.

>>823338823338

Huh?  TwiBlood?

*looks*

Oh.  Maybe I could make it more clear that she was basically calling him an idiot.

>>823345823345

Ah. That would've been my interperetation of that scene, but then the whole 'mystery ship' thing popped up... all right. Cool. My earlier 'gripe' is retracted, then. And I have no idea who Blue wound up with...

Oh wow, the first chapter made me cry.

Zecora's dialogue is perfect. There's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight until I finish reading this thing.

I noticed a little typo, I don't know if anyone else noticed:  "Being eaten by alive wasn't the way he'd have preferred to go"

>>823431823431

Well spote!  Thank you

Haven't read it yet, did read the story that spawned this one. I just posted a "wishlist" a few seconds ago. Lets hope they come true

Wow. Just, wow. A really good story I'll admit, Zecoras lines are certainly a hit

I'll keep reading this. Prince Blueblood is now just the underdog for me as I'm curious what will redeem him.

Also, I kinda can see where he's coming from, as I have nothing going for myself at the moment.

But I know there's people out there who love and admire whatever sad being I imagine myself to be.

It is all an illusion. Why am I posting this

Anyway, Hope this 'll turn out spectacular

This is one of those stories where the writing is solid, the plot is interesting and engaging, but the premise just doesn't sit well with me.

Let's see if I can sum it up: Blueblood feels inadequate so he goes into the Everfree to die, but instead agrees to be drugged by Zecora and go off on some ill-defined quest to find his destiny, which results, after some very unpersuasive storytelling from a ghost, in his betraying the supposed love of his life to wake an ancient evil which then leads to all-out war resulting in hundreds of not thousands of deaths.

This... does not make me like Blueblood, at all. He's an idiot. A very dangerous idiot. He did deserve to have the crap beaten out of him, though by Cadance and not Shining, IMO. His sentence should've at least been a few years hard labour.

The Idiot Ball certainly gets passed around, though. Really, Zecora is the one who bucked everything up in the first place, and then made it worse by lying. (Nice Karma Houdini there.) Cadance and Shining both have their own moments, and I'd probably argue that Luna and Celestia weren't at their cleverest either. The smartest pony in all of this seemed to be Cloud Kicker.

So, well-written and engaging story, technically very good, but I didn't like it.

>>827472827472

Hey, thank you for the compliments on the actual writing and for taking the time to read this, even if it didn't turn out to be your cup of tea.

Honestly, I'm kinda glad people are coming down on both sides here.  If everyone was going, "Blueblood is our hero, screw Cadance!" I'd worry that I'd wandered into Mary Sue territory with him.  So knowing that some people think he was an idiot is nice; I mean, frankly, he was.

"Remember, Derpy, when I promised to kill you last?"

"Yeah, you did!"

"I lied."

All joking about Commando aside, this really was a great story. I could appreciate how hard it would be to make all those sentences rhyme, and I loved the feeling of sympathy I got for a character who was formerly one of my most hated. Good job!

Rhyming narration, FUCK YEAH!

I see writers all the time get out of the task of rhyming by putting Zecora by herself and describing her mostly in third person omniscient.

But YOU'RE just like:  

"Fuck that."

Also very skillful in that even though BB wants to improve himself, he's still a stereotyping douche.

Something that you seemed to have glossed over though.  Zecora says that "I understand.  That's how I came to this land."  That seemed to impy she came out to die as well.  You explain how she's still capable of fending for herself, but it doesn't mentioned what gave her the WILL to live.  Overcoming suicidal urges seems like something criminal to forget about.  Right now it seems like she just up and forgot about her family and friends when she reached Everfree, and that's why she doesn't feel guilty.

I have yet ANOTHER QUESTION:

Where did you get the idea of Zecora's mark signifying alchemy?  Is that really what in means in some African culture, or did you just make that up?

>>831473831473

Eh, I think she basically, like Blue, lacked the drive to actually kill herself.  She tried to do it passively, but survival is probably the most powerful instinct any creature can have.  And I'm sure she still feels terrible about what happened, which is why she never went back home.  She's just kinda made peace with her self-imposed exile.  (I could explain this stuff in the story, but I dunno, I kinda like people to speculate )

Oh, and I totally made the alchemy thing up.  It just sounded logical

I can see where Cadance is coming from. If someone harbours a mildly disturbing lifelong crush upon my person, even after I marry, then proceeds to bring about my (albeit temporary) downfall, by involving me in some crazed thaumaturgists necromatic ritual, and still wants to bang me afterwards... I wouldn't piss em' out if they were on fire. (Now I probably need redeeming... Someone write me a personal redemption fic)

I realise thats simplifying matters somewhat, but still, Cadance's reaction is kinda understandable imo.

this is AWESOME, liking it alredy on 1° chapter, i tly love how you write

That.  First.  Sentence.  I don't know what you're trying to achieve thre, but I like it.  Why?  Because it sounds cool .

"with a white mane and golden hair" you might want to fix that. also the sentence it's in is a fragment.  

Cadence?!  She's coming back, right?  RIGHT?

>>785800785800 Shining Armor: "What do you mean you killed Cadence to raise an army of the dead because a ghost told you it would help you with your destiny?!" *angry Armor face*

I understand that Blueblood has had a lot of time to think and plan, but I feel with that huge explanation, you turned this guy into some kind of genius on tactics, magic and somehow batteries?  What happened to the incompetent Blueblood?  Even if he was willing, I'm not sure where he got all that knowledge and sense to apply it.  It's a Gary Stu moment to me, and I think you should have dedicated another chapter to lead up to it.  Nevertheless, I will continue reading this exciting fic.

Fluttershy... Is a freaking idiot.  Her friends, when assembled, become Equestria's WMD, and she decides to split them up so she can save her ANIMAL FRIENDS.  How many people DIED because of that decision!?!  If they had been at Canterlot at the outset of the invasion, they could have blasted this "Tyranny" guy the moment he stepped off the train.  It would have made more sense had Tyranny devised a way to seperate the Mane 6.  Possibly put some in the place of Zecora, Cherilee, Mac and the CMC.  Since we see that he knows about the Elemental Bearers, wouldn't it make sense for him to have made plans for them?  Right now it seems like the guy just lucked out that they weren't there.  

I'm not a fan of the reveal of the Big Bad (TM) and his Final Form (TM).  Am I the only reader who finds a line like "I'm so glad to be back in this form" a cliche?  If you like it so much, why didn't you change into it earlier?  Because doing it now is dramatic, that's why.  I also don't get why you decided to give him a look like Dischord's.  Dischord is a weird conglomerate because it suits his nature.  He's like shapeshifter that couldn't make a decision (seriously, this isn't the first fanfic that's suggested the dude has ADD).  I'm not even sure how him being the embodiment of tyranny works thematically with his other actions.  How does tyranny connect to shapeshifting and lies, which seem like Dischord's MO?  Or with raising the dead?  Or elemental creatures like the Windigos?  Are you saying the Windigos are actually spirits of the dead?  (Actually, that would make sense given that they're equine-shaped).  Why aren't there any Windigos marching with his undead army?  I was more interested in the concept of an old mad king and necromancer whose greed transcends death.  I was getting an awesome Lich King/Kel'thuzad vibe from him!

Your humor still shines through though.  I love the deadpan and the snappy barbed comebacks.  I laughed out loud (no, literally) when I read the rapidfire puns.  "You're a terrible parent" is a fantastic comeback from the villain in light of what's happened.  But this far in, I can see why this story has a mediocre rating compared to most extended, dramatic stories.

Something else that occurred to me:  what kind of imprisonment did Luna put Tyranny?  I would have imagined it would have been like Dischord's.  How was this guy able/allowed to walk around and speak?  That seems like just asking for trouble.

I love those final moments of almost beating 'the bad guy' where 'the good guy' says something really clever before defeating his foe in an awesome way.   

And of all the pegasi in Ponyville, why weren't there more helping Fluttershy with her animal friends?  Rainbow Dash was able to get all the pegasi in Ponyville to pull together for a hurricane, but she couldn't get at least five more to help with Fluttershy's animals?  Of course, if she did that then that first part wouldn't have conflict and it would be boring unless you made fun of the fact that it was boring and nearly pointless which would make this a comedy.  This is not a comedy, so you did the right thing.  (Sorry, it's late and I'm babbling )

>>837456837456

Again, I appreciate the criticism.  But I do think you're being a bit unfair.

Regarding Blue's figuring things out: I think you're applying attributes to Blue that I never included in the story.  He was never dumb.  A coward, a wimp, a snob, rather naive, and a maker of poor decisions, but not dumb.  I admit that his whole spiel there was pretty exposition-heavy (Blue was hanging all kinds of lampshades about it, too), but being intelligent is literally his only means of self-defense.  Also, calling him a "genius" is overstating it; as he said, he was just speculating, but was confident enough in his hypothesis to follow through with it.

Regarding Fluttershy: Dude, it's Fluttershy.  No argument that she made a poor decision, but... it's Fluttershy.  Of course she was more worried about the animals than anything else.

Regarding the Tyranny vs. the Element Bearers: They could have tried zapping him when he got off the train.  Hence why he crashed it into the station and had his troops jump off while it was still moving.  It would've given him time to assess the situation, had they been there.  Since they weren't, he just said "hi" to Luna.

Regarding Tyranny's Appearance: Actually, check out Tyranny's description again.  He shares some features with Discord, like the griffon claws and yellow eyes and scaly bits, but unlike his brother, he's got identical sets of horns, arms, and legs.  He's the same species, but not as chaotic-looking.

Regarding the Wendigos: I figured he just either paid 'em off, dominated 'em, or told 'em there was good eating in pony lands.

Regarding Azure Throne: He's got more of a story to tell, too.  That's something "The Prince of Ponyville" will go into.

Regarding Tyranny's Imprisonment: Ditto.

Regarding the Rating: I'm not sure what qualifies it as "mediocre."  It doesn't have a ton of page views, but then, I haven't really gone around promoting it anywhere and it's only been up for, what, a week and a half?  Besides, I'm writing because it's fun and because I'm trying to get my literary muscles back into shape.  High viewcounts, while awesome and gratifying, aren't my primary motivation.

Gah, I hope I'm not coming across as combative, here.  I'm just explaining my reasoning behind the decisions I made with the story.  There are some things I could improve (if I could figure out a way to show off Blueblood's intelligence prior to his showdown with Cadance, I would), but I did my best to think about the story as I wrote it and plug any plot holes I noticed cropping up.  I know it's not professional-grade work, but honestly, the whole reason I decided to start writing fanfiction about ponies was to hone my skills for eventually writing regular fiction about non-ponies.  This is just practice work that I'm sharing with fellow bronies on the interwebs.

Regardless, seriously, I appreciate that you took the time to analyze things so thoroughly and point out the things you think need fixing.  Even if I don't necessarily agree on every point, it gives me ideas about the sort of things I need to make clearer in future stories.

>>838374838374

In-universe, because everypony else needed carts, too, and she already felt bad about getting the biggest cart in Ponyville and didn't want anypony to be mad at her for being selfish.

Out-of-universe, because I only wanted to write Derpy, Cloud Kicker, and Blossomforth