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ImJustAnotherBrony
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Joined November 2011
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66w, 7hSad
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18w, 8hCompleted Story Compendium
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Applejack finished up a letter to Rarity, explaining everything there was to know about how and why she sold the farm, it also included her new address in Appaloosa. She pointed out to Rarity that she would be going to pick Applebloom during her next extended weekend, and planned to explain everything to her at that point. She then went on to finish packing up all her belongings, filling boxes marked according to what should be inside. She walked along her walls and hallways, taking all her pictures down as she past each one. With each picture she stopped for a moment to relive the memories tied to it. Applejack looked around the house, it was depressingly empty, the furniture was loaded into a large moving carriage. Applejack walked up to Applebloom's room. She had already packed away all her remaining belongings, but she knew Applebloom would always be a part of this room, as long as it stood. There were a series of small hoofprints on the inside of the door, a reminder of Applebloom's short temper and how she loved slamming her door to show it. Various stains and damages littered the room, a permanent reminder of its previous resident.
"I'm really gonna miss this place." Applejack continued to walk through her empty home, her lip quivered as she held back her emotions. She didn't need to deal with the movers outside attempting to comfort her.
With every box organized into the carriage, Applejack walked out of the house, staring into the seemingly endless rows of trees spread across rolling hills. She shuddered and stretched her legs, preparing for the long trip to her new home in Appaloosa. The sun had just risen, and her day would be wasted traveling. After a long trip, upon arriving at her new home, she met Big Mac and a few other orchard ponies. Applejack was assigned her new position among the orchard workers. She unpacked and set up residence in her new house, and drearily began her new life as an apple farmer. Not a big change career-wise, but this new location lacked the homey feel Sweet Apple Acres did, this was a job, not a home. Applejack let go of her old life, she knew holding on to it would only mean holding onto regret. This was who she was now, a nameless number in a large group of workers.
Rainbow Dash shielded her eyes from the rising sun. She wasn't ready to get up, a few hours of sleep after her long night of traveling didn't cut it. She decided she needed to get some real sleep, but she wasn't going be able to sleep in this sunlight, or with the noise of a waking city beneath her. Rainbow flew up into the sky, surveying her surroundings, this city has come such a long way in three short years. From the dainty western settlement, to this booming city. Equestrian economy is a strange thing.
Rainbow decided to go see Scootaloo today, it'd be hard, but it needed to be done, and she planned to take any form of punishment Scootaloo could throw at her. She flew down to the window with the hanging rainbow flag. No sign of Scootaloo within, but the window was still open. It was pretty chilly out last night so Rainbow wondered why it wasn't shut. She let her nosiness get the better of her and went inside uninvited. She snooped through her drawers, looking through various papers and report cards. Rainbow really wasn't looking for anything specific, she was just looking. Rainbow sat down on Scootaloo's bed, pulling her sheets and blankets off the floor and covering up. She hadn't felt so comfortable in a pretty long time, this small bed although firm, was much nicer than Applejack's spare bed.
"I'm sure Scoot won't mind if I take a quick nap here" With a long yawn, Rainbow was asleep.
Rainbow stirred slightly at the sound of a door opening. She opened her eyes, and met the stunned gaze of her once adoring fan.
"Rainbow?! Okay, I've completely lost my mind now. I'm just going to go over here and pretend I'm still sane." Scootaloo walked over to the corner of the room, assuming the fetal position. She wrapped her hooves around her knees and began rocking back and forth.
Rainbow wiped her eyes, "Scoot? Sorry to drop in on you like this. I was really tired though."
"Oh Celestia... You're talking to me now. This is probably bad. I need help." Scootaloo walked up to Rainbow Dash, swallowing her enthusiasm. She closely inspected the blue pegasus, bumping her with her hooves.
"You feel real." She leaned in closer, sniffing Rainbow.
"Alright that's enough kid." Rainbow pushed her away. "You know I'm actually here, I really needed to see you, I missed you and was worried about you. But you do seem to be doing fine, so I guess I'll be going now."
Rainbow jumped up and headed towards the window, but was soon stopped by a strong tug on her tail. Scootaloo tried to yell at her with a mouth full of tail.
"Where the hay do you think you're going?! You think I'm doing just fine?! Have you even looked at me?"
Rainbow turned around to meet her painful eyes. She saw that Scootaloo seemed to have a black eye, there was a small cut under her cheek with two small stitches.
"Have you been fighting?"
"No!.. Maybe.. But only when I have to. That's not the point. I'm alone here and I hate it. I want to go to Cloudsdale and live with you like we planned. Why did you leave? I missed you so much."
"You know why, I had to. I wish I didn't though, I thought about you almost everyday and I missed you a lot. I came here because I was worried. If you really need anything just let me know, even though I'm not really in a place where I can help you very easily." Rainbow recoiled as she thought about the fact that she was homeless.
"I'm not sure what you're dealing with here, but I'm sure you're a lot better off than I am right now, and I don't want to drag you into my messed up life quite yet. Can you hold out here while I get things in order at least?"
Scootaloo hated the thought of Rainbow Dash leaving so shortly after arriving. "I don't want to, I'll go with you and stay out of your way, I just need to get out of here, this place is awful. I'd rather be homeless."
Scootaloo looked down and paced around Rainbow Dash, she stopped and looked up at her with her wide eyes, silently begging her to say yes.
"No. Just wait a few more days and I'll come back for you okay? It's getting really cold out and I can't have you sleeping outside." Rainbow Dash let her maternal instincts guide her decision.
"Celestia help me Rainbow Dash, if you're not back in in exactly four days or less, I'll do something horrible to you!"
"I promise I'll be back, don't worry." Rainbow patted her on the head and headed off. She flew out the window and headed towards Cloudsdale.
Rainbow Dash expected Scootaloo to be much worse off than she was, she had a place to live, she was in school, and she seemed well off enough. Rainbow decided it'd be best for Scootaloo if she stayed out of her life for now, she had no intention of returning to see her anytime soon. Rainbow knew she was in no position to take care of anyone, hardly even fit to care for herself. Rainbow came to a sudden stop, allowing herself to roughly crash into a cloud. She tumbled across the top of it until she found her balance and stood back up on her hooves. She painfully smacked herself in the face with her hoof.
"Damn it!" Rainbow had forgotten to look at Scootaloo's cutie mark, but it was too late to go back now. She decided to let it go, and continued on her way. She soon found herself in the tattered ruins of her old home, which she hadn't seen in years. She decided to get her job at the weather factory back and start over here, a new life for a new mare. Her dreams and ambitions were just a distant memory in the back of her mind. All she cared about now was moving along in life, trying to find her way, and making peace with her past. Nothing else mattered anymore. She'd become a member of a corporation, a working class pony hoping only to climb the corporate ladder to make a decent living for herself. Who could ever realistically ask for anything more?
Twilight found it hard to exert any form of emotion other than sorrow. Her horn being gone was by far the worst punishment she would ever endure. On top of that she received a devastating letter.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Your recent actions and lack of judgement not only resulted in you getting hurt beyond imagination, but it resulted in the deaths of several ponies around you. These deaths include the death of Constance Donahooves, an irreplaceable and more than valuable asset to the research team here at the DOS. I, by the order of the Celestial-Lunar Court, am stripping you of your position as head of research. You no longer have a place in the Institute of Arcane Studies nor the University of Magic and Research. I know times must be hard for you personally, but I'm sure you'll cope, and I hope you understand that these actions needed to be taken immediately. Criminal charges have not and will not be filed by us, however any outside legal issues have not been shared with us and we have no concern or opinion residing over them.
~ Board of Chairholders, Research Division.
"Well this is just great." Twilight apathetically rolled over in her bed, prompting Rarity to attempt to console her.
"It's not all bad Twilight....... Well okay it's all bad, but I want you to know you can stay with me for as long as you need to. I'm here for you and I always will be."
"... Thanks Rarity." Twilight's words seemed emotionless and the ungratefulness in her voice made Rarity feel awkward.
"Maybe you should get some more sleep dear, you're tired and have had a lot to take in." Rarity kissed her on the cheek and returned to her chair next to the bed.
Twilight just laid there silent, she stared at the floor over the edge of her bed. She listened to her heart beating, hoping with every fiber in her body that it would simply stop and this nightmare would end. She attempted to use her magic again, she just wanted to see if she could make her sheet move. Even the slightest effort she put into using magic caused her to get a searing headache, as if ten thousand bats were shrieking simultaneously in her mind. Twilight knew she had a hard life ahead of her, she used magic literally every single day, all day in her day to day activities. She knew she'd habitually attempt to use her magic at times, causing this pain. She wasn't ready to deal with this new life, or her mistakes. She wanted to find peace, but knew it wouldn't come easily.
"Rarity, would you do me a favor?"
"Anything love, I'll do anything you ask."
"Leave please, and don't come back, just forget about me as hard as that may be." Twilight swallowed her emotions, keeping her tears locked inside. This sentence was just as hard for her to say as it was for Rarity to hear.
"Twilight, please. Just settle down and get some sleep, this is the stress talking. You need me, I can't leave you alone right now." Rarity hid her tears as well, she didn't want to let it show, but Twilight had broken her heart with that statement.
Twilight wanted to take it back, she wanted to beg Rarity never to leave her side again, but she didn't.
"Rarity, I'm thinking clearly right now, I'm not tired, I'm not medicated, I know what I'm saying, and I'm saying you need to leave now. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, but I don't want to see you or be anywhere near you. So leave before I have to ask someone to escort you out."
Rarity was crushed, she felt like every once of energy had been drained from her body, and her heart was split in two.
"Twilight, why? Please tell me why at least. I feel I deserve that much."
"Well, you don't. Just trust me, we're both better off if you go." Twilight pushed a small button on the side of her bed, calling a nurse over.
As the nurse began to approach, Rarity stood up and grabbed her bag.
"That's fine Twilight, I'll leave, but if you change your mind about this you know where to find me." Rarity trotted past the nurse with tears pouring down her face.
"Twilight right? What can I help you with?"
"I just need some water thanks."
The nurse quickly returned with a pitcher of cold water. She poured a cup and levitated it to Twilight's mouth.
"Ya know you're really lucky to have a friend like that."
Twilight quickly gulped down the water. "What do you mean?"
"Well, she sat here for four days, hardly leaving your side at all. On top of that I over heard her begging the doctor to give you her horn, I mean, I'm a unicorn so I know she must really care about you to even consider that. I personally wouldn't give it up for anything. No offense."
Twilight felt terrible for treating Rarity the way she did, but she knew it needed to be done. "None taken, I honestly wouldn't have either."
The nurse trotted off, letting Twilight know she'd be near if she needed anything at all. Twilight felt more depressed than ever. She stood up and walked around her room, struggling to keep her balance. There was a plate of covered food sitting on the night stand next to her bed. Rarity must have forgot to mention it, it was probably hers, compliments of the hospital. Twilight was hungry, but didn't even consider eating. She ventured over to her window, looking up at the sun. The white moon was right next to it, passing just underneath. The Royal Eclipse Festival will take place in a few days. Twilight thought about how romantic it would have been to enjoy it with Rarity, and broke down. She went back to bed and buried her face in her pillows. She let the reality of the situation hit her like a ton of bricks, her life was over, there was nothing in this world left for her. She saw a glimmer of hope only a week ago when she reconnected with Rarity, but that meant nothing now. She'd only be a burden on her. Without magic Twilight had no talent, and no place in society. Her career as a teacher was no more, her knowledge was nothing more than a useless jumble of facts and research. All she had to offer to anyone now was information that was already known. Twilight felt herself sink into her bed, she tried to think of a way to fix everything but came to the same conclusion, she didn't want to live anymore. She had nothing left to live for, now that Rarity was gone. She severed her last tie.
Rarity stumbled through her apartment door, her home was empty again. Applebloom was back in school with Sweetie Belle. Rarity looked around for Opal, she was lying underneath the table grooming herself.
"Come here Opal I need someone to love me." Opal gave her a glance of disapproval and walked in the other direction.
"Well fine, you just abandon me too then, I see how you are!" Rarity went into her room and collapsed onto her bed, soaking her pillow in tears.
She also felt she had found a silver lining along the edges of her bleak and lonely life when Twilight showed up at her door a few nights ago. Now with that taken away, she found herself once again feeling alone, and more heartbroken than ever before. Rarity decided that this was probably inevitable and she would end up alone anyway, so she figured it'd be best to just continue her life the way she had been. Making dresses for whoever might want them, always looking out and hoping for a big break. Apathy washed over Rarity as she imagined the rest of her life while laying in bed. She soon cried herself to sleep, feeling that she'd lost all hope for a happy life. No other pony would ever be able to fill the void left in her life by Twilight, Celestia knows she tried the first time they split up, but nothing kept her mind off Twilight longer than a single night. All the drama wasn't worth it, she'd remain alone and focus only on her career.
"Love is just a filly's dream, nothing more." She thought this to be true for the first time in her life. She had a dreamless sleep that night, and woke up the next day feeling like she hadn't slept at all.
Three more days had passed, Twilight was finally able to leave the hospital, although she felt she had nowhere to go. With no job her rent wouldn't be paid, and she'd be evicted. She didn't even consider seeing Rarity again, instead she just made her way to her apartment's rooftops. She was surprised to find she was the only one there considering this was the day of the Royal Lunar Eclipse. She looked down on the streets, there were tons of ponies participating in parades and other celebratory gestures. Twilight found the empty rooftops peaceful, being alone was something she found strangely nostalgic.
Rainbow Dash left work early today, she wanted to see the First Annual Royal Eclipse Festival, even though she'd probably never want to see another one. She stood behind the crowds of pegasi, looking up at the moon as it slowly approached the sun. Her excitement was nearly nonexistent, she regretted taking time off work for this. But it was done so she might as well enjoy it.
Applejack was in the middle of her orchard, then she heard her coworkers begin to announce that the eclipse would be starting soon. She calmly joined them as the gazed up into the sky, admiring the brilliant moon as it approached the sun. The power of the princesses humbled Applejack, she couldn't even begin to imagine the power it took to manipulate such magnificent forces. She just looked on in awe as the event began to take place.
Rarity could hardly bring herself to even look out the window, the festival was a constant reminder of her utter failure. She decided out of curiosity to go attend the event, she wanted to see the dresses the princesses were wearing, she at least hoped they rivaled her designs. She walked out of her apartment and up the street to the parades. Upon arriving, she saw a huge regal carriage coming down from the palace. It landed on top of a golden stone monument, depicting the events of an eclipse at the base. The two princesses stepped out, each of them confidently wearing their new royal dresses. They were however in Rarity's opinion, quite mediocre and generic to say the least.
Celestia addressed the herd of ponies. "Welcome citizens of Equestria, to the First Royal Eclipse Festival! We are proud to announce that the New Lunar Law and Celestial Court are now united. We are a kingdom of peace and acceptance, and this festival will mark the end of an internal conflict that has effected all of Equestria for many centuries. We welcome you all to celebrate and enjoy this day of days."
Luna spoke next. "We will not only be united within the court, but within tradition. Things will be changing for all of us as we head into a new era. An era of love and toleration. A large series of laws will be passed today, same gender marriages will now be recognized by the Royal Court, discrimination of earth ponies in the educational system will no longer be tolerated, and foremost, the Cutie Mark Branding Administration will be hereby disband!"
Celestia put a hoof on Luna's shoulder, and gave her a nod of approval. Although Celestia didn't fully agree with all of Luna's ideals, she knew this union needed to be solid.
The two alicorns ignited their horns forcing the moon and sun to overlap. For a small moment of time the moon completely blocked out the sun. All the ponies below looked on in sheer amazement. The sun behind the moon seemed to radiate an intense fiery magic all around the moon, lighting the sky up in a way no pony had ever seen. The entire event was as beautiful and magical as it was hyped up to be.
Twilight looked at the magical event, appreciating the amazing talent it must have taking to pull this together. She stood up on the edge of the building, looking down at the dark ground beneath. She looked at Celestia and Luna, confidently standing side by side for the first time in over a thousand years. Things in the world were going to be fine, with the two princesses working together once again, no power would be great enough to stop them. The elements of harmony were no longer needed. Twilight thought about these facts, then she thought about her own life. It was the exact opposite. She sat down, letting her legs dangle over the edge of the building. She looked down, she wasn't sure but guessed she was about seventy floors above the ground. She closed her eyes and began to breath quickly.
"I love you Rarity, so much. I'm sorry..." She spoke quietly into the air, knowing very well no one could hear her. Then she was gone.
Applejack went back to her mundane life, the work never seemed to end, and she was fine with that. She knew the limits of her abilities, and they called for nothing more.
Rainbow Dash was less than impressed with the whole event, she returned to her activities. She wondered if anything would ever inspire her again, but didn't feel the need to go looking for any inspiration. She had what she needed and, and she didn't want to fill her life with anymore useless ambitions.
Rarity moped the entire trip back to her apartment, her head hanging low. She wondered if she'd ever see Twilight again, but forced those thoughts out of her mind. She knew Twilight didn't want to see her and that should be enough to keep her away. She went to her art table and began to sketch up a new dress. She felt completely uninspired, and found herself sketching a picture of Twilight's face. She crumbled it up and plopped down into her bed, staring at the now setting sun. She closed her eyes and imagined waking up with Twilight in her arms. Knowing it would never happen again broke her spirit, she drifted off into another dreamless sleep. She awoke the next morning, knowing she'd never find inspiration without love in her life, and without Twilight, she'd never again find love.
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Sorry you can't look past that fact. This was always intended to be a tragedy though, the happiness near the middle was meant only to amplify the sadness at the end. This isn't the type of review I was hoping for, because it doesn't offer anything to go on other than the fact that you don't like sad endings.
People seem to be saying the ending was a slap to the face, and I can kind of agree, here's mostly why in my opinion. While there wasn't much left to say, the small paragraphs at the end explaining what happened with their lives afterwords was in my opinion a bit short, and like I said there wasn't much left to say, but adding something to Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash's ending paragraphs would make the story a bit better, I believe.
But anyways, thanks for that story, I need to go shed some manly tears now 
Hope to see more from you! 4.5/5 Stars.
Well I'm not one for sadfics to be honest and I get that reality is a bitch but damn bro reading this put me in a funk. 
Emotions aside though, it was really well written and the execution was flawless. Everypony was well within character dispite them not being themselves, Fluttershy especially, but it was all in respect of making a good story. The reactions from the remaining of the Mane 6 were pretty accurate from a psychological point of view. All in all based on the quality, work, time, dedication, and effort you put into this piece I'll rate a 5/5. This was in fact a sucessful sadfic.
If I am so bold as to make a request though. Can your next story be more up beat or exciting in a fun way? Times are tough in the real world and only getting tougher, part of the reason I personally have turned to ponies. I can't speak for every brony out there but they do for me what cars can't and thats having a little shine of hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
All respects,
-Greasebrony
Wow, Twilight's ending to this tale, makes me question on whether or not the Princesses will save her from her fate ? 
Still, it was a great and entertaining story from start to finish despite it overall tragic tone. Since you wanted a serious review I will try to give it to you from ponies that I believe ended up a bit better to the ponies that ended up a bit worse...
is up first, since the first chapter and this storyline started with her. I guess, you can say that her flaws lies within her stubbornes and pride. As together they formed her overall refusal to leave her family home and hold regrets over her actions to her friends. While her Element of Honest DID crack in the midst of the story, I do believe that once she started to admit her own defeat and started being honest with herself, it was then I thought she was trying to pull herself through and regain her former Honesty. Also, out of all of them, AJ did make up with all of her friends, with the exception of Fluttershy and Pinkie.
is next given her Element of Loyalty. Her story was an interesting one as well. One that was full of tradegy throughout it all. However, when she met up with the other ponies again after so long, I think she was starting to come around back to her normal self. However, it was Fluttershy's admitting her role in Pinkie's death that caused her to revert to her old self, but in the end I felt that she has a chance again to start her life anew and maybe with 
by her side. However, I do think that her beliefs in how everypony close to her dies in someway, may damper her second chance with Scootaloo. Still, like Applejack, she has her friends again.
well, in my eyes the less say about Rarity the better. Except that in this case, Rarity did play a unique role of reminder of her former Element. As she was one full of guilt over her role in Pinkie's death, in a way. Still...when she and the others reunited it felt like it was starting to get back to a sesne of normancy for a brief moment. Rarity relationship with Twilight was an interesting aspect n the storyline, as I felt it maybe her way to deal with the guilt of her actions with Pinkie and Applejack of having someone familar and close to. Yet, as the story progress on it turns into real love and a full reminder of her former element. I do feel bad for her at the end and I will always wonder how she will deal with the upcoming changes surrounding her life. 
as ususal was her bookish self, but in a way it was different. As like Applejack she was strong and stubborn to admit her feelings with Rarity. Yet, when she herself reunited with her friends it felt like old times for while. Fluttershy's attack and admission to Pinkie's death truly put a damper on things with her and Rarity, Even, when she was hurt Rarity was by herside. However, I think that like Rainbow Dash, she didn't want Rarity to get hurt do to her actions which led to them breaking it off before it even began. Her ending lett things questionable as to whether or not she survives the fall.
was a shocker in this tale as her admission to the death of Pinkie Pie was something else. Which led to her change in her attitude and emotions. Whatever truly caused Fluttershy to switch into a 
that badly is one that will never be told to another pony. The only thing I'm sad for is that outside Twilight, none of the others know of Fluttershy's condition which now dies with her.
despite this story revolving around her death, it seems that her presence is still felt throughout this storyline. Laughter was truly the best medicine in sad times as it was rarely shown in the storyline. Plus, the reminder that Pinkie was the youngest of the group, truly makes this storyline more tragic than ever given her everyloving innocent moments. Her death should be a reminder to her friends of the good times and to remember to laugh once and a while. Her death should also be a reminder to all ponies to keep their innocence in their hearts and minds.
However, in this storyline I don't think so.
Still it was a great tale from start to finish, however you did leave some fates up in the air. Like whether or not Twilight lives or what will truly become of Rainbow's relationship with Scootaloo? I'm a bit surprised to see no sign of 
in this tale of yours given the CMC pressence in this story.
I was truly entertain by your creative way of thinking and I wish to encourage you upon whatever ideas you have for future stories. 
Serious Review?
I'll do my best but I can only think of a few things off the top of my head. I apologise if I end up sounding harsh; I don't intend to be but its just me being honest.
Lack of emotion. Take for example after Rainbow has told her story of when she did street races; she's just told her best friends that she joined an illegal group, got stabbed in the neck and almost died, proceeded to kick the crap out of the guy who did it when she was healed, then eventually the group she joined came under attack and her best friend in it died in her arms. After saying all this, the only reaction from her friends is Twilight giving her a simple hug before moving on to talk about Dash's change in behaviour. There was no shocked silence among the group, no tears of sympathy, nothing except a simple hug from Twilight; all Applejack did was make sure that was the whole story, while Rarity didn't comment on the story at all.
This happened a bunch of times through the story, and made scenes feel like they were rushed. What you basically need to do is add a lot more detail to such scenes and develop them more. Using the same example, go into detail about what each character is thinking after hearing Rainbow's story, and how they react to it, i.e. nervous shuffling, frozen in stunned silence, an almost lethal hug filled with tears and sympathy, etc.
This next point is based on opinion, and I feel mean but I feel I should voice it - the storyline. I think it was going great; a sad story about the death of Pinkie and how everyone coped, and how they're now reconnecting after seperating. I especially liked Dash's reaction and subsequent change in behaviour to Pinkie's death - isolating herself from everyone yet watching them at the same time - apart from when she did street racing, which was in itself a great story. It was all great, up until the part where it is revealed Fluttershy killed Pinkie. Again, my opinion, but from then on it started to get silly. Fluttershy being a mad homicidal pony kind of ruined the story from then on for me I'm afraid.
Incidentally, I have a question about that: Fluttershy had this Moriaty Syndrome, which she got from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which she in turn got from killing Pinkie, right? Assuming I've got that right, wasn't it the Moriaty Syndrome that caused her to kill Pinkie in the first place? If so, that would mean she contracted a disease after she already had it, if you see what I mean.
I'm probably missing/forgetting something that makes that question stupid, and apologies if I am, it's just a thought that occured to me.
Unfortunately, the only way I can think to end me sort-of-review is to continue my last point a bit and ask more questions. With that in mind, and with more apologies in advance if I sound harsh: the ending was unsatisfying. I can't perfectly understand wanting a sad or otherwise plain unhappy ending, but the ending lacked... closure? I think thats kind of the word I'm looking for. Basically it felt like it just suddenly ended.
As for the other questions I have, they're more just clarifications for someone who's always bad on picking up on such things:
Why did RD abandon Scootaloo completely again? I know she's no longer really the element of loyalty, but she did say to AJ that Scoot was the one she should've been loyal to, and she could see how miserable and physically damaged she was. She could've sorted out that job and her house and gone back for Scoots, or something.
Why did Twilight send Rarity away? Was she originally planning suicide and so thats why she sent her away, or was it for some other reason?
Finally (and this question isn't to do with my review-type-thing), I'm sure this was explained but I don't remember and can't find it - what happened to Spike?
In my opinion, it was a good story at least half of the time. I don't regret reading it at all, but it could've been better; it just needs a bit of development.
I hope I didn't sound too critical and unforgiving. I'm sure I did, but I hope I didn't. I look forward to reading whatever you might write next.
Blimey, I'll never be a good writer - that took me almost an hour to write, I think
Nice story to the end.....plot was simply awsome and how you manage to always trow curve ball at readers are just godly.......
A succesfull sadfic?? yes i would say so.... rating? 5/5
Im not sure what your going to write about next, i do strongly suggest that you might try to write another spinoff from this story....maybe another
story where the remaining 4 friends tries the best to recover what is lost.....their friendship...
i look forward for more story from you in the coming future....
Ok, serious review time
I've been with this story since the beginning so i feel obligated to do a serious review. Even though im better at putting input in chapter by chapter, you asked, so it shall be done.
Throughout the whole story you did a god job of conveying emotion...for most of the story that is. Like TimbukTurnip said the beginning of CH.10 was pretty weak. and another would be in CH.11 when fluttershy said "I'm sorry guys, I really think there's something wrong with me." And all dash does was say "Ya think?!" then fly away again, but that's just 2 of the very few things i had any problems with.
I always felt interested in the story and never felt like i was being forced to read something. I never skim over parts in a story unless it just goes on and on and on about how the sky was that perfect hue of blue and the sun crept over the clouds for 3 and a half freaking paragraphs. What im trying to say is i never felt like it needed to get to the point or hurry the hell up, it always went along very nicely. And that certainly showed in chapter 9, it had a little bit of everything, happiness, good characters, some violence, and in the end tragedy. To be honest i got a little misty eyed at the end of that chapter.
i like how you gave the story a flicker of hope at the reunion but brought it all crashing down when you introduced fluttershy, the title for chapter 11 is very fitting i might add.
I didn't get my hopes up for a happy ending to this story since this is a tragedy, although not all tragedy's have a sad/depressing ending, it would be foolish to get mad if it did. its fine to be disappointed in it or say you didn't like it but ive seen a lot of people get mad at a few authors for ending their tragedy story's in tragedy's, its like wtf dude really?
my opinion on this chapter is that it really stayed true to the tragedy aspect and you not ending it in, ''then pinkie shot up out of bed, breathing heavily'' is all i was really hoping for, the dreaming thing may work well in some cases but definitely not in this one.
all in all. i really enjoyed this story and hope you continue to write. i'll be sure to follow as to not miss anything.
it was a pleasure reading. hats off to ya!
Im a bit under the weather so this 'cereal review' will be relativly short. My sincerest apologies, you deserve better. This review focuses more on your writing style than the story. I feel this will be more beneficial to you as a writer, as you progress onto new fictions. My spelling is horrendous, so Im sorry about that. I also tend to use caps a lot. It doesnt mean Im yelling or angry or anything, just trying to get a polite point across. Anywho!
Cereal Review Thyme.
Comments: First off, well done on opting for a sad ending. most authers would go with the old standered 'glimmer of hope' type, but I respect your choice. It was very very very very very very very very goddamn very depressing and all, but I enjoyed it.
An important thing to note: I enjoyed this fiction, a lot. It was very good, though I felt with a bit of work it could have been GREAT.
If I pointed out everything I liked about the fic, You'd be reading for a while. Rather than do that, I'll simply say what needed work, and what was horrible. SPOILER ALERT: very little was horrible. very many was stellar.
Okay, so emotion. this was a pretty bad offense on your part, though easilty impoved on. I saw a lot of this in your writing:
" *description of action* She was trying to hold back emotions, etc etc etc"
That example isn't verbatum, but its pretty darn close. Its important that, when adressing feelings, to SHOW, not TELL. For instance, If Derpy Hooves was feeling guilty over eating the last muffin( random example), SHE would express it. You, the narrater, would not. When the narrator says "blablabla, feeling such and such emotions" or "wordswords she was trying to express yaddayaddayadda", it detracts from the story. Let the characters show us what their doing, what their feeling. Back to the Derpy example, heres something not to do:
' Derpy looked at the ground as she cried softly. As she licked the last piece of muffin off her face, she felt bad about eating the last muffin and wanted desperatly to apologies to Pinkie Pie. '
Thats not incorrect, per say, but Its an awful lot of TELLING, not SHOWING. Heres a rough, five second fixed version.
' Derpy's gaze fell to the ground as she pawed at the dirt. She turned her head to Pinkie, only to pull it away again in shame. Tears fell between her hooves as she regretfuly licked the last morsel of cupcake off of her face.'
Not perfect, but better. The key there was BODY LANGUAGE. When you feel angry, ashamed, sad, what do you do? Not what do you THINK, but what does your BODY do? Thats an important thing to keep in mind, espcially while writing emotional fics.
You did well at conveying each emotion ment to be felt by the reader, but again, through telling. Emotional fics are hard to pull off, and you did so admirably. While the characters were certainly more interesting in the beginning, when they got more 'air time', they managed to stay believable towards the end. Execpt, unfortunatly, Rainbow Dash. This is a shame, too, because you did a fantastic job of making her story interesting. The only real problem with her character was near the ending. Her actions, while understandable in retrospect, were left somewhat unexplained. At least, unexplained in a way that really stuck. Which brings us to another problem: pacing.
The only problem in character Rainbow Dash, and any others for that matter, had, was pacing. See, In the early part of this fic, everything was sort of slow goings. I mean that in a good way: things happened, all right, but they took their sweet time. This allowed for more in depth revealing of characters, and more importantly, character MOTIVES. Their ideas, their thoughts need a wide berth to be propperly explained and explored, and thats something you faltered at somewhat near the ending.
So thats that! I loved this fiction. really, really did. 4.5 stars and everything! Your story ideas are well done, you switch between grimdark and emotional without a hitch, and keep readers interested till the end. The only problems are ones easily remidied. Such as:
PACING - take your time. we will gladly wait for however long it takes to make a chapter as engaging as possible. This allows you to take your time in the story as well.
EMOTIONS - remember what I said about show versus tell. think body language and personality.
CHARACTERS - Haven't really touched on this, but its worth mentioning. allowing more time with your characters lets them grow and become more understandable. you should take as much time thinking about how your chars will act and REact in random situations as you do with the story, as a writing exercise.
FINAL VERDICT.
please please please dont stop writing. your very good, and despite a few issues managed to write a fic that broke my heart and brought back my lunch in the same chapter. Fantastic work!
lets see where to start
lets start with fluttershy,she was a psycho pony witch is not like her at all, you didn't say WHY she was like that ever in this whole story, she killed three pony including pinkie pie and almost killed twilight I didn't like that at all.
next we have rainbowdash you did her well in my eyes atleast (I can't talk for others) but you never said what happened with her and scootaloo.
next is applejack, there wasn't much of her in the story other then when their talking about all of them moving out of ponyville and her selling the farm.
Rarity is next and she was I think the only pony I didn't have a problem with.
twilight was ok other then not giving a dam about her so called "friends", I don't know what you mean when you say then she was gone in " 'I love you Rarity, so much. I'm sorry...' " She spoke quietly into the air, knowing very well no one could hear her. Then she was gone." but I assume you mean she killed herself which is something the twilight I know would never do.
also you didn't talk about what the princesses were doing till the end and that I think is a big part of the story.
so all in all I give you a 6 out of 10 for a well writen story but characters acting entirely out of character.
and there is my review.
PS. I might think of some other stuff later that I forgot to put here so be on the look out.
>>54549 Twilight commits suicide i think....rarity goes all emo....and the princesses seemed like they didn't care like dude Celestia would be doing everything in her power to help out Twi when her horn got broken and yet it seemed like she didn't care and were the hell was spike he should have heard about it from rarity or someone!
>>54627 >>55113 Guys please, Fluttershy's mental condition was explained through Rainbow. She contracted the PPTSD at some point earlier on in her life. She even points out that she was experiencing some of the symptoms of "Moriarty's Syndrome" since she was a filly, although she had no idea what it really was. She had plenty of time to develope her condition before completely going off the deep end. Keep in mind, Fluttershy's in show character often snaps when things trigger her anger.
Perfect review, this is exactly what I was looking for. As for conveying emotion, it's sometimes hard to use description of body language to create an image of withholding emotion. I'd probably miss the point completely. Also, to be honest, I tried to condense this chapter a lot, probably the reason most of you felt it was rushed. I wanted to leave some things open ended on purpose, I wanted you guys to feel the need to use your imagination. Anyway thanks again BlueEricsson, you've been a great step towards my improvement as a writer.
Twilight's fate was implied, however I didn't feel it'd be necessary to go further into detail. Rarity didn't go emo, she's just very depressed and for good reason f you ask me. Also I tried to hint at the message that there was an internal struggle within the palace, keeping Celestia too occupied to keep up on what was happening. Twilight was no longer her student in this story, which I did make clear several times. And Twilight is an adult taking care of herself. Celestia didn't realize what had happened because she's the fucking princess and has more to worry about than Twilight's situations. Most likely f she had received a message informing her what had happened, it would have been buried under dozens of others. And Spike is half way across the world living amongst the dragons. If you want to post a review, please make sure you think about what you're saying.
I think that if any of the mane 6 were going to lose it and become a homicidal maniac, the only choice would be Fluttershy. In my opinion, she doesn't stray from her canon character, she's just caught in between Fluttershy and Flutterrage, until Flutterrage takes over.
The loss of a friend and/or family member can do all this to anypony. This time, it just happened to our favorites. I feel at a loss, just sad and used. If twilight ever did get that depressed, I would see her as the one to commit suicide, though. But just up and leaving Rarity that way... I have no words. You do know that somepony somewhere is gonna write a happy ending to this, even with or without your consent. Like many have been saying, it was a major slap to the face, but that's the price of life, no? My one true wish, is that Pinkie would have just woken up from a horrible nightmare, it hurt everything without her in their lives. That day that the laughter died, was the day that the world just turned to ashes.
I loved this story, it was terrific, but... so sudden to end. The three left will fall to the same fate, maybe worse, but not a single one of them will smile again, and that's where the pain hits home. These ponies we all cherish and adore won't be there, or be them. This was a complete Discord-ish story with no sightings of him. I want my friends back.
I really appreciate the review. 
That was DARK, deliciously dark that is. Many are critiquing it based on the ending, but I find that such an ending is necessary to emphasize the tragedy of this story. Really, a happy ending would ruin it for me, it would seem all too out of place. Great story, a memorable tragedy, and truly an excellent work of melancholy. I enjoyed it, even if it was incredibly sad (as that's the aim). Cheers.
I didn't find this to be a slap to the face at all. I knew what I was reading right from the start; I got myself into it, so this is certainly something I can't complain about it. But to know that 3 of the mane 6 ended up dead surprises me. Pinkie's death shocked me at first, but I grew used to it. I expected Fluttershy to die having seen what she'd done, however, the whole wing ripping and horn removal was crazy and felt painful to read. But what really got me was Twilight's suicide. I was hoping she wouldn't do it, but she did.
This was fantastically written and actually had a lasting impact on my feeling of sadness. The bitter-sweet ending relived some of the sadness, but after 15 chapters of it? Haha, anyway. Thank you for this delightfully depressing read. I do wish you luck on your further endeavors in the world of fan fiction. Until next time!
Whenever Twilight started whispering to herself on the roof I started crying because I thought she was going to jump. overall it was a great story with few errors but I'm not going to go into the errors because I could give a shit less if you accidentally put the same word twice or misspelled something, who gives a shit. Your stories are amazing and anyone who says they are bad are just haters.
this story is like classical music you have the crescendo then the decrescendo finally coming to a close and having the "song" captor the emotion of the "listener", in other words good work i love your story's and will continue to read them you are an amazing author and in my opinion and amazing person,thank you for writing and never give up on it you have a gift of taking emotions and turning them in to amazing story's.
"I love you Rarity, so much. I'm sorry..." She spoke quietly into the air, knowing very well no one could hear her. Then she was gone.
gets me everytime.
every.
time.
Five times reading this full story now, thank you again, I've thanked you probably over 20 times before but this is just amazing. There are just times when... I need some things like these, and there are not alot out there as perfect as this one.
and I know all my comments/art has motivated to make more work, so if it's fine with you I wonder if it would be possible to make another story similar to this one, I love sadfics, especially when they have ships in them
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