I'm a writer with a deep love for stories of all genres, particularly those tales with no need to conform to one standard.
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The Pony Variety Show!
Energetic crowds of fans bustle into the theatre, with ponies and bronies alike chuckling and commenting about the last episode. The entire room is alive with activity as stage crew hide scenery behind curtains, lights are adjusted overhead, and the rapid clatter of hooves on wood can be heard backstage. Pinkie Pie peeks through the big red curtains, and starts waving at you all with a big grin on her face. She abruptly disappears when somepony's hoof drags her back.
As everypony is seated, the lights begin to dim, and Spike emerges onto the stage wearing an enormous curly black afro. Tapping the mic once to be sure it's on, the tiny purple dragon begins the show. "Welcome ladies, gentlecolts, and bronies of all ages to the Pony Variety Show! I'm your host, Spike Spiegel, hahaha! First off, I wanna thank all of you for some of the wonderful suggestions and interesting feedback we've seen here on PVS, and send special thanks to Zannpony, who's been in near constant contact with the cast since our first airing!"
"For today's show, we've got 'The Shining' starring our very own Shining Armor!" Derpy holds up a sign with APPLESAUCE in large, bold letters. "A feature request of 'The Sparkle Zone' featuring Dr. Whooves and Derpy!" At the mention of her name, Derpy reemerges holding a sign with CHERRY written on it. Spike pauses to fumble with his note cards, which end up all over the stage.
"One moment please!" The tiny dragon asks as he picks up the stray cards.
"Why's that little dragon leaning over?" Asks Geri Fore, the taller of the oldsters up in the viewing box.
"Oh really? With those stubby legs, I thought he'd just rolled onto his face!" Mr. Waddle replied sarcastically.
"Dohohohohoho!" The box erupts in laughter.
Standing back up, Spike glares at the jokesters before resuming his reading. "Our third act will be… wait really? Big Macintosh is going to do a piece? Well okay, if that's what you all wanted." Derpy reappears again, this time holding up an EXIT sign. Spike raises an eyebrow at her before turning his attention back to you. "Of course, no show would be complete without a sneak peek behind the scenes with our very own delinquent duo, Bluenose and Yellowbelly!" Derpy emerges from stage right, holding up a sign that says EAT AT JOES in bright neon letters. Spike stares for a moment. "Where did you even get that!?"
The curtain falls and hooves clatter as the stage is set for act one, The Shining 'Armor'!
* * *
The curtains flow open revealing a bedroom on the right side of the stage, leading to a bathroom with a locked door, which has a small window leading to a snow covered night outside. Princess Cadence has her head stuck out the window, and is looking down at Spike, who's standing in the snow staring up at her. As the scene begins, Twilight's voice resounds softly from overhead.
"Trapped high upon a mountain in a vast, snow covered lodge, 'John' Armor," Shining Armor pokes his head out from behind the curtains on the left and smilies nervously at the crowd, "has gone mad! With axe in hoof, he hunts his wife and son through the hotel, with strange thoughts running through his sick mind."
At this, Cadence begins her lines, which she reads slowly, her eyes roving back and forth over a cue card on the right side of the stage. "Oh no Spi- I mean Danny! I seem to have gotten stuck and can not escape! Run while you still can!" She puts a dramatic hoof on her forehead, then looks over and smiles at all of you.
"Psst! Cadence!" Rarity whispers from behind the scenery. "Don't look at the audience, and try to sound more convincing!"
"Oops!" Cadence whispers back. "Sorry!"
At that moment, Shining 'John' Armor comes out from the left side of the stage, his mane made stringy, and a five o'clock shadow dyed onto his chin. He advances imperiously on the door, puffs his chest up, and begins delivering his lines in a nervous, wavering voice. "Come out, come out, wherever you are."
As Cadence struggles again to squeeze through the all too small window, Shining Armor calls again. "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!" Cadence squeezes back through the window. She hurries over to the door, leans against the wall next to it, smiling like a clown and repressing a fit of giggles. Just behind Spike, you see Rarity facehoof, shaking her head.
"Not by the hair on your chinny chin chin?" Shining Armor asks, then lets his voice grow stern. "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"
He lifts the hefty fireman's axe, and buries it in the door with a resounding thud! Cadence squeals, more in delight than fear. Shining Armor promptly drops the axe and leans up against the door. "Are you alright Cadence!? I didn't hurt you did I!?"
"I'm fine silly, you're messing up the scene!"
He breathes out a sigh, looking embarrassed as the crowd starts laughing. "Oh, okay then."
Behind the curtain you hear a gentle thudding as Rarity beats her head into the wall, while Spike stands there, repressing a huge grin.
Shining Armor begins beating at the door with the axe, cutting chunks away from the wood. In response, Cadence continues to scream, though she doesn't seem to have a problem chuckling under her breath between each gasp. Finally, the reluctant Guard pony busts a wide hole in the door. Dropping the axe, he leans his head through and gives his best scary face.
"Here's Shining!" He calls, eyeing Cadence, who promptly covers her mouth to stifle a giggle.
Pulling his head back, he reaches a hoof into the bathroom, struggling to unlock the door. With an all to cheerful grin, Cadence lunges forward, sinking her teeth into his leg! Shining Armor yowls in surprise, pulling his hoof back, slamming the still biting Cadence's face into the door.
"Oww!" She squeaks, letting go of her husband's hoof and feeling her face.
On the edge of panic, Shining Armor races around the front of the stage to her. "Cadence! Are you okay!? I am so sorry!"
Smiling she grins up at him, one eye starting to swell shut. "I'm fine you silly goof! You're not supposed to be in here though!"
"I… I know… I just can't do this…" Looking up at the control box above the audience, he frowns. "I'm sorry Twilight. I didn't mean to mess things up like this." He turns back and kisses Cadence's nose.
Suddenly an odd clatter can be heard backstage… A clicking sound, then the rev of a chainsaw..! Suddenly the bathroom wall starts to disintegrate as the whirling blade mauls the flimsy stage board! Looking back, the couple's eyes grow wide! Peering through the gap is a bizarre leather mask, hiding a pair of adorable blue green eyes!
"I'm so sorry everypony, but the show has been cancelled." Fluttershy's voice whispers, just a bit too raggedly… The chainsaw blade starts hacking through the wall again, ripping the scenery apart!
"Fluttershy got into the caffeine again! EVERYPONY RUN!" Pinkie Pie yells from backstage!
In a sudden burst of panic, ponies and bronies flee towards the back exit, struggling to escape as the murderous ball of adorable, chainsaw wielding madness comes tearing through the stage! You find yourself jostled about amidst screams, unbearably cute, maniacal laughter, and the roar of screeching metal death!
* * *
Slowly but surely the crowd gathered once again in the theatre, several seats in the front row replaced by folding chairs, and splinters of wood disbursed liberally through the room. One section of chairs was even inverted, attached to the ceiling by no visible means. Spike steps out onto the stage, mic in hand. "Sorry about the delay everypony! Don't worry, the SWAT teams have the situation well under control!" Silent stares greet the worried announcer, who continues his narration nervously. "Since we've normalized the situation, let's get on with PVS shall we?"
"Ahem." He begins slowly, reciting the haunting lines in a flat, emotionless voice as an eerie sound begins to play in the background. "You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead." Spike's narration cut off as as his eyes caught sight of a sign shaped like a star sticking up from behind the curtain, with TWILIGHT SPARKLE written upon it. Recovering from his surprise, the baby dragon continues his narration. "Uh… oookay… Your next stop, the Twilight Zone."
The lights suddenly drop to black, hiding everything in a cowl of darkness. Then before you all a swirling pattern of purple, glowing magic begins to spin. Twilight's voice resounds from the stage as she steps through the curtains her horn glowing. "Imagine a world, if you will. A world without magic or guiding principles to help everypony. A world, without HARMONY!"
"Uh, Twilight? Isn't that just… like anywhere else?" Spike's disembodied voice asks.
"Spiiike! You're ruining the moment!"
"Jeez, sorry…" Spike complains at the prissy pony.
"As I was saying, a world without harmony! Dr. Whooves and Derpy emerge from the Tardis, thinking them safely back in Ponyville. Little do they know, they have entered the Twilight Zone."
As she speaks the last line, the lights come back up, revealing a stage prop Ponyville. Several ponies are walking about aimlessly. Then a large blue cardboard box with PLEEZE BOX written on it in crayon walks in on brown hooves. The box thuds down, nearly falls over, then rights itself. Dr. Whooves emerges, brushing the back of his head in embarrassment.
"Sorry for the cheap prop everypony! The real Tardis is broken…" His eyes lower and his voice grows flat. "…again."
Derpy promptly zips out next to him, the bubbly pony's eyes crossing comically. "It wasn't my fault this time!"
"Well no, no it wasn't…" Dr. Whooves replies. "So where are we exactly?"
"We're on the stage, silly!" Derpy giggles.
"That's not your line!" Twilight hisses from behind the curtain.
"Oh, okay!" The googly-eyed pegasus replies.
"It would seem we are back in Ponyville! Finally, after all of our adventures, we can finally relax!" Dr. Whooves laughs, gesticulating dramatically.
"Umm… what does gest… gestic… what does that word mean?" Derpy asks, pointing at the last sentence.
"Dear, we shouldn't be breaking the fourth-" Dr. Whooves pauses, thinking about this for a moment. "Well technically it isn't the fourth wall, since you're not referring to the audience, but to the text the audience is being conveyed through, in order to clarify their perceptions… So you'd be speaking in awareness of an alternate reality that views ours as fiction and is reading it right-"
"Enough already!" Twilight yells, then calms herself. "Do you mind getting back into the alternate reality on the stage? Pleeeeaaaase?"
"Oh yes, of course… My apologies.." Dr. Whooves replies distractedly, counting invisible fingers as he continues to try to decide what level of universe the readers are to be referred to as being present in.
"So anyways!" Derpy calls in an attempt to reseat the story. "Oh my! Why were you so rude to me!?" She practically shouts at Lyra, who is walking up to her.
"What..? But I haven't even done my part yet." Lyra replies in confusion as Derpy suddenly flies away, pretending to cry with all of her might!
Twilight rushes onto the stage, a series of notes floating with her as she calls after the overzealous pegasus. "Derpy wait! We haven't even gotten to the part where we analyze the intangible yet ever present power of morals on a society versus the more direct, harmful effects of living a selfish existence! Come back!"
"So if we take into account that there is a universe inside a universe where we are putting on a skit portraying yet another universe… Of course! This is merely a recursive reality! Derpy, I know what you just… Oh, were we supposed to be getting back to the story?" The Doctor ends his speculations, realizing that a very frustrated Twilight Sparkle is glaring at him.
"Aaagh!" With a frustrated yell, the unicorn's notes go flying in every direction as she trots off the stage.
"Well somepony has a bit of a temper, doesn't she?" He asks you, then turns and follows after her. "So what is your opinion on this recursive reality?"
Spike scrambles onto the stage, looking a bit flustered. "Sorry about the act folks! We'll be back in a moment!" The red curtains fall.
* * *
Suddenly a puff of smoke erupts, filling the stage. As it begins to clear, you see Princess Luna standing before a podium. Next to her, Discord grins mischievously, his hands folded behind his back. Patriotic trumpeting begins to play on the audio system as Luna speaks.
"CITIZENS! PONIES AND BRONIES ALIKE! WE ARE HERE TO ANNOUNCE OUR INTENTION OF RUNNING IN THE ELECTION FOR RULER OF EVERYTHING! DISCORD HAS GRACIOUSLY OFFERED TO BE OUR VICE-RULER, AND WILL BE RUNNING WITH US!
From behind the curtain, Twilight's face goes pale. "Wait, what is she doing!? She can't do that! Spike, why is she running against Princess Celestia!? ON OUR SHOW!?"
Spike looks over at her for a second, then replies calmly. "Well, you said anypony could put up any commercial interruption they wanted, so long as it met PVS guidelines for submission. Princess Luna wanted to do a campaign rally, so she is."
"Oh nonononono! This is not good!" Twilight trots back and forth, one moment ready to lunge onto the stage, the next about to head for the control room. "What if Princess Celestia is upset!? What if she banishes ALL OF US to the moon!? We can't just let her go on with this, and with Discord as a running partner, no less!"
"Well why can't we? Isn't that the Princess' problem?" Spike asks.
Out on the stage, Luna continues her campaign speech. "IF ELECTED, WE SHALL CREATE POLICY TO END THE OPPRESSION OF OUR SUBJECTS! NOPONY WILL BE GIVEN ANY SENTENCE OF BEING TURNED TO STONE, SENT TO THE MOON FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, OR BACK TO MAGIC KINDERGARTEN! FURTHERMORE WE SHALL INCLUDE AN ALL CHOCOLATE RAIN POLICY, AND ENSURE SWEETS AT EVERY MEAL TIME!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders start cheering and whooping from the back of the room at the announcement!
"OUR VICE-RULER OF EVERYTHING WILL NOW SPEAK!" Luna announces, backing from center stage. The draconequus steps up to the podium.
"Thank you, Princess." He bows politely, then turns to the audience, turning the podium into a cheeseburger as he leans upon it. "It is my distinct honor to accept this invitation to become Vice-Ruler of Everything. As such, I want to publicly assure you that I won't be ruining all of your lives completely. In fact, I have several innovative policies in mind that will improve the lives of ponies everywhere! For example, isn't it tiring to trot about on your hooves all day? I say yes, it is! That's why when I'm in charge, I'll give you all a brony, complete with milking kit, for your very own to ride on."
"I also think that the economy is a mess, and want to revise it to an entirely mud based system. After all, there's no way to simply possess all of the mud, and if somepony tries to hoard it all to themselves, it'll dry out and become worthless dirt! I'm telling you the mud-based economy will revolutionize the way you pay for things!"
"With that, we feel it best that you decide whether to have us instead of a ruthless dictator ruling over you! Soon enough, Celestia will be out of office, and my master plan will be complete! Muhuahahahaha!" Discord laughs, rubbing his mismatched limbs together. Looking up, he holds out his limbs and puts a huge grin on his face! "Luna and Discord, 2012!"
Another poof of magic consumes them leaving the stage clear once again.
* * *
As the curtain drifts open, you see the empty stage, fully illuminated, and occupied only by narrow round table with a basket of apples atop of it. From the right side of the stage, a large red draft pony plods slowly, to the table. With his teeth, he picks up one of the big, red, round fruits, and begins munching.
Munch, munch, munch… gulp.
Munch, crunch… gulp.
Crunch, munch, munch… gulp.
Having finished the apple, he looks out at everypony staring at him. "Eeyup."
The crowd bursts out in cheers! Ponies are pounding their hooves as bronies whoop, jumping up and down all about the room! Some of them are even leaning on each other's shoulders, crying tears of joy at the incredible spectacle as the room is swept up in ecstasy! Many are completely silent amongst the masses, their mouths agape as they stare in wonder at what they just witnessed, their eyes shining like stars! Above the audience, the two old ponies shout out their delight!
"Bravo!" Geri Fore's voice rings above the crowd!
"Bravo, bravissimo!" Mr. Waddle joins the call!
"Encore! Encore!" They both shout, waving their hooves at the stage!
"That was spectacular!" Geri Fore says to his companion, elated with what he saw!
"Stupendous!" His shorter companion replies, equally thrilled!
"Utterly genius!" Geri yells!
"Absolutely brilliant!" Mr. Waddles agrees!
"I don't get it." Geri suddenly stops, staring at his friend.
"Me either." Mr. Waddles returns the look.
"Dohohohohoho!" They both burst out laughing as the curtains sweep down, hiding Big Macintosh, who is reaching for another apple.
* * *
"Well that was… interesting." Spike stares back behind the stage left curtains as he steps out. The sound of munching can still be heard. "Anyway, as always, PVS is never a dull place, and these two make sure of it!"
The two troublemaking changelings, Bluenose and Yellowbelly, flit from backstage on their gossamer wings, waving clasped forehooves in the air. Spike continues his narration. "Our hidden camera crew can go anywhere and do anything to find you, our viewers, the funniest moments behind the scenes of PVS! Today, we've got a private scene out of one of the staff's most… passionate moments." Spike raises his eyebrows, grinning slyly at the audience.
As the crew abandons the stage, the curtain sweeps back, revealing a massive screen. The lights dim all about you as the screen grows brighter and the film begins to play.
* * *
The scene starts dark, showing the hall backstage. The faint skittering sound of insectoid chuckles echo in the empty hall. The camera turns, showing a door with a star. TWILIGHT SPARKLE is printed on the star in bold letters, a sign you're sure you seen earlier in the show. Silently, the door comes open, revealing a glimpse of the room. Everything is black, save for the computer screen illuminated outline of Twilight, sitting at her desk. The lavender pony is holding a tissue, whimpering softly as she watches the screen raptly.
"You're marrying him?" A masculine voice asks from the computer's speakers.
"I can't believe you'd do that to my sexy hunk of manmeat!? Bella you're so mean!" Twilight moans through tears. The screeching giggles nearly burst as the two pranksters zoom the camera closer.
"Jake I-" The voice of Bella Swan comes this time.
"You don't deserve him, traitor!" Twilight's voice grows anxious with indignation.
"You knew he was listening!" Bella sounds hurt.
"He deserves to know." Edward explains.
"He didn't deserve any of this, you monster! You're just out to hurt him!" Twilight practically yells at the screen, gripping it with both hooves!
"Jake stop!" She calls after him.
"Bella, let him-" Edward starts, but is cut off by the angry girl.
"Does she really care..?" Twilight whispers to herself, scooting back into her chair again as she squeezes a Jacob plushie to herself.
"Come on, Jacob… Listen! Get her to change her mind!" The unicorn leans closer to her monitor, the light catching tears crawling down her face.
"I'm done… I'm so done..!" Jacob responds.
"W-w-what can I do?" Bella begs.
"You can't do anything, I can. Like going out there and killing something!" The angst ridden werewolf says sharply.
"No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that!"
"Oh my delicious hunk of manmeat! You can come hunt me! Hunt me please!" Twilight's voice descends to a moan again as she stares fixed on the screen, her eyes drooping seductively.
"Well maybe I'll get myself killed and make it simple for you."
"No!" Twilight and Bella yell simultaneously. Twilight all but throws herself onto the screen, as if trying to embrace the fictional character.
"Just… Jake, stay…"
"Why? Give me one good reason…"
"Because I don't wanna lose you!"
"Please Jake, don't turn away now! You can make it right!" Twilight pleads, her voice dropping to a whisper. Unable to handle themselves any longer, the two pranksters burst out laughing, their skittering giggles surprising their victim, who tries to whirl about in her seat, arms extended to cover the screen. She overbalances, and with a cry of dismay, tumbles to the floor with a crash! "Woooaaaah! Ow!"
The camera suddenly jerks away as the twin troublemakers make a hasty retreat from the scene of their antics, laughing uproarously!
* * *
The screen goes dark and the lights come up. Spike stumbles out onto the stage, uncontrolled mirth sending the tiny dragon into cheerful spasms! "Hahuh huhuhuhuhahaha! Wow, Twilight! I had no idea you were into being hunted!"
"Shut up Spike!" Twilight hisses from behind the curtain through clenched teeth, glaring daggers at her assistant!
"Oh, and that line about 'making it right'! Priceless! Hahahaha!" Spike continues the ribbing, turning the embarrassed unicorn red and forcing her withdraw from the stage.
"Oh hey, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie calls cheerfully. "I had no idea you liked that movie too!" The clatter of hooves can be heard as Twilight retreats, followed by the chattering pink pony.
"Well, that's it for this week's show! I'm your host, Spike the dragon! Come join us next time for the Pony Variety Show!
* * *
As the press of the crowd makes it's noisy way out of the theatre, you see the requests booth sitting waiting, the Cutie Mark Crusaders all eagerly staring up at you. Scootaloo speaks up first. "So, are you here to make a request for next week's show!?"
"We could really use your help with suggestions!" Sweetie Belle flutters her eyelashes at you as she tries to draw you in with an adorable smile.
"Otherwise, we maht hafta take more time doin' the show!" Apple Bloom finishes, and the three scoot up next to each other, all of them giving you a big, please help us out smile.
Upon leaving your suggestions, ideas, and comments on the show, you make your way amongst the still giggling ponies and chuckling bronies out into the warm, sunny day.