• Published 27th May 2012
  • 5,543 Views, 845 Comments

Fallout Equestria : New Roam - Delvius



The city of Roam is tortured by ambient and open hostility. Finally, a Praetorian arises to protect the city like the Legionnaires of old, and nothing will stop him. Nothing but himself, that is.

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Chapter 20 - Hearts and Minds

Chapter 20
Hearts and Minds
"A better world starts with a better self."





The day had grown old astoundingly quick during my training session. By the time I'd decided to cease depleting my energy reserves, it had already reached the hour of eleven. Sweat trickled off my hide as I lowered my gladius and pila (plural for pilum -- the Roaman throwing javelin) and took off the set of iron training armor, and so with a towel I'd brought with me I began wiping myself. Surprise filled me as I saw a bowl full of an assortment of fruits on a corner table, and as I made my way over to it my eyes chanced to spy a great many mares galloping off, giggling and attempting to hush themselves as they went.


But I didn't mind them; in my action, I'd allowed a ravenous hunger to fester in my belly. Making sure to wipe off my sweaty limbs before touching the provided food (which, in their abundance, would have sufficed for brunch), I dug in and started sating my appetite. After I'd devoured an apple and grabbed another, I made my way over to a balcony and stared off at the scenery.


It was good that Vesperius had allowed me to use one of the many training rooms available on the mountain slopes; for one thing, they'd seemed like they'd never been used in a while -- I felt good using facilities as they should have been used -- and for another, my session made it clear to me that I needn't work on my stamina, for it was absolutely well-built. If anything, all I needed to work on was how to control the force of my strikes; the bronze dummies that had stood proud upon their stands now had a great many dents marring their surfaces, and the mock armor they wore would... need some refurbishing... okay, they absolutely needed to be replaced. The weapons, too, had bent and broken under the force of my strikes; all had suffered significant damage but my gladius, which had seen use for only a little over a month compared to the years borne by the rusted iron weaponry.


But as I marveled at the sight of the activity on the fields below -- the marching of Legionnaires, the hovering of aircraft, the grazing of the cerati -- the queerest intuition filled my head, alerting me of a presence fast appraoching. The faintest whispers and giggles from the mares behind me shushed quiet, and the softest clang of metal boots vibrated through the floor. Someone was here with me.


I hadn't even turned around yet when a praetorian trotted over and leaned against the railing along with me. I stared at him, and when he turned to look at me I saw he was masked with silver. A few moments went by in silence as he turned away and looked over the scenery.


"Quite the sight," he commented. "I don't know why, but Roamana's purple just blends so much better with the lush green than the bright red of Equestrius."


I turned and looked over the scenery as well, making sure to give attention to the colors that danced on the green field below. "I agree," I replied, trying to get over the bits of awkward at the sudden conversation. "It doesn't contest for the eyes' attention as strongly."


We both watched as an aircraft took off from the mountain slopes and flew off somewhere into the city. "Oh, there's that. There's also the fact that purple is the color that represents Roaman power," he said matter-of-factly. "And really, no other color captures the Roaman spirit quite as well."


"Except gold and bright red used on the same banner," I said. "Just imagine them on the same flag, flowing in the breeze and showing off their bright colors in the midday sun. Glorious, serene." I took in a deep breath as a breeze blew our way. Ah, fresh, cool air.


He nodded in agreement. "I've observed that exact kind of scene enough times to agree with you," he said with a relaxed tone. "So we have an agreement. Red and gold and purple -- the colors of the Roaman nation."


I smiled and nodded. "We have an agreement."


I don't know why, but we started chuckling in unison. It didn't last very long, but it was a shared joy. And really, after having lived in the hell of the wasteland for a month, sharing almost nothing but problems and pains, just having a nice, slow, peaceful conversation with a stranger was a welcome change of pace.


After our laughter ended he amiably patted my shoulder, saying, "I think you and I will get along just fine." He took in a deep breath and let out a carefree sigh. "It's nice to have new company here in the Forum. Really, I could only have gone on for so long before losing my mind to the changeless routines and the unbearable silence of our duty-filled days."


"Then you and I have a similarity already," I said, and a curious glimmer lit up from his shadowy eyes as he looked at me. "I myself can't spend very long without needing to talk to someone about something."


He smirked. "I see. That's good, at least I now know I'm not the only one not suited to quiet. And really, silence is a Roaman citizen's enemy; we Roamans are meant to orate and converse and recreate, not spend our days in silence."


"Of that I agree," I replied. "Roamans are meant to think and express their thoughts in words and actions, and in a manner both shameless and plain for all to see. We're different from other peoples like that; we delve into and think upon the world, and from it gain wisdom, whereas others merely think of themselves or those close to them. Silence leads to stagnation, and stagnation, once it has been accepted as a societal norm, leads to degradation."


He nodded. "Indeed. It would be a shame for a people such as us to degrade." He looked at me with a curious glimmer in his eyes. "You know, I like how you think. I don't quite care that you're a pony; all true Roamans know other true Roamans when they meet them, and you my friend are most definitely-..."


"I've heard just about enough of this," interrupted a voice, dark and harsh.


The curious glimmer in the praetorian's eyes died. "Oh, not him again..."


We turned and caught sight of the golden-masked praetorian commander from the day before. He stood under the doorway, fixing us both with an unflinching gaze that made my acquaintance stiffen as if petrified.


"What do you need?" I asked rudely. I hadn't forgotten his 'welcoming party' the day before, or how he struck Zaita with a bolt of lightning.


The praetorian struck me with a hoof. "Shut up!" he hissed, then stood up straight and rendered the Roaman salute. "Praefect! I was just making sure that our guest felt welcome and-..."


"Get out, tribune," the praetorian praefect ordered.


The silver-masked tribune almost ate his words as he replied, "W-with all due respect, sir, I was only trying to-..."


"Get. Out."


The tribune gulped and gave me a quick glance, then with his head bowed he trotted over to his superior, rendered the salute one more time, and silently left.


Despite what you might expect from people like this guy, he didn't scold me. Not at once, anyway. Rather, he actually looked over the wreckage I'd caused and, after giving me a dark stare, started cleaning up.


"What are you doing here?" I asked, scowling. I was having such a nice conversation with an individual of like mind, accompanied with a relaxing scenery to boot, and this guy just barged in. For that, I couldn't care less what he thought of me.


He paused his actions long enough to rasp out the simple words, "Cleaning up."


Well, wasn't that obvious. "Why?"


"We praetorians have tended to Roam since long before you were born. We policed the streets, supplemented defensive operations, watered the gardens and plumbed the aqueducts. All in the name of Roaman power." He said nothing as he reverently placed the iron suit back onto its stand. "We continue that duty as much as possible; if the Forum is all that remains for us to protect, then we watch over it and live our lives for it, and for nothing else."


"For absolutely nothing else?" I asked as I trotted closer. "Not even for the sake of living, or for the sake of seeing the sun rise ever morning? Or the moon and stars at night? Or even for catching glimpses of good here and there?"


"Not even for those," was his simple reply. I stared off into his shadowy eyes as he continued, "Not even to serve the Legion; we have no allegiance to them. Nor to the senate formed by the zebras below. And though we place ourselves at the service of Vesperius, we do so only in the hope that one day he'll be able to bring peace to the capital. And if he does... well, we praetorians will have a whole new city to bring order to."


I breathed a sigh of disagreement. "Seems a bit... excessive. I mean, I care for the city and the people of Roam too, but it isn't my only cause for living, and it certainly isn't my on my priority list to let go of all that I have for it." I paused for a moment, thinking. "Or maybe I was willing to let go of all I had, a while back when I had little else to do... or maybe I still wish to give all I am, but don't feel it. What's certain is that... people... came into my life. People that want me to stay alive. I don't think I could live with myself if I abandoned them to give all I have for Roam."


"Then you aren't worthy of the title of praetorian," he spat scornfully, stepping close and nearly touching my muzzle with the metal of his mask. "Whatever that idiot of a tribune told you, you aren't one of us, nor even a Roaman. Praetorians live to protect and serve the city at all costs, body and soul. Anything less isn't worthy of the legacy of glorious Roam."


I tried to take a step back to free myself of the growing tension of the conversation, but he pulled me closer. "I look into your eyes, and I see a disillusioned vigilante who is only better than the common rabble in that you have the sense to know where all loyalties of the world should be directed. Yet still you're nothing more than a lost pony, going about and declaring Roaman values when you haven't the authority to preach in the manner you do."


I growled angrily. "Get your damned hooves off!" I snapped, yanking myself away. I glared daggers at him and pressed his plated chest. "It doesn't take a trained Legionnaire or a professional soldier to take up arms against the degeneracy plaguing the Roaman world. If anything, restricting such opportunities to they who'd be 'professionals' only adds to the problem. Need I remind you that Marius and Julius started out as mere citizens? There are many out there that have the potential to follow in their steps; I've actually been out there! I've actually walked the streets and spoken to the populace, whereas you've all stood here! What does that say of your case, huh?"


"It means we know where our duties are and where true Roamans stay," he spat. "Out there, there's none but barbarians. Languishing zebras with rotten minds. What embers of hope burn out there soon perish in the sea of evil. That foolish second-in-command of mine fails to see that. What you've seen are merely barbarians influenced by Roaman ideals, and as such appear to your impudent mind as true Roamans; bah, profligates! They are not worthy of the ground they stand upon. Only within these walls do true Roamans still practice their culture and ways, not out there."


I seethed at his words, angered at the idiocy of this pompous imbecile. "Then why don't you go out there?" I whispered tensely, my voice dripping with barely restrained hate. "If you truly care for Roam, why don't you command your troops and go out there to help fix the problem? Why stay in here where you do nothing but patrol halls and watch statues?"


His silence stretched on for a moment as he breathed calmly, serving only to compound my anger. At last he spoke with similar repressed contempt, "Because there's nothing out there worth saving. Nothing but scum and degenerates. Like you."


I snorted and hurriedly picked up my things, not wanting to waste my time or ruin my mood hearing this bullshit. Lies, all of it. There were people out there worth saving -- Boagrius had stood honorable as a slave in a crowd of spectators; Delvius had decided to lighten up the moods of others with his story; Conductor gave up his cutie mark to serve his settlement! If anything, they were more worthy to uphold Roaman values than this misguided bastard was.


I stomped out into the halls, causing several mares to gallop off as they saw me. The praefect had done nothing to stop me nor had he given me some final fucked up piece of his beliefs; for that I was glad. I had enough to think of without letting such poison rot my mind and kill my time.


And yet, for all my vexation, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Him and whoever thought like him. So lost, so cold and unwelcoming... it was people like him that needed my patience and understanding. They were part of the problem; pride was their vice, or rather too much of it. There weren't enough people like the tribune I'd met earlier, and that only compounded the problem. If I was going to change society, the first step was to understand its inhabitants. And to do that I needed to talk to those who'd already had experience with them, like Vesperius.


'That... or think like them,' offered a little part of my head. I considered it for a moment, and suddenly I felt ill, warm. I coughed, losing concentration. Then just like that I felt good again.


I didn't think of it, or anything else for that matter. Important as it all was, first I had to address more immediate concerns. Not big concerns like my ambitious motives, but smaller problems, ones that didn't quite give me a headache or cast thoughts of an uncertain, possibly dark future into my mind. Not thoughts of Tom and Tod or saving the world or any such things. Just small, normal things, like making sure all my friends were fine.

* * * Magnus et Potens Roamanus * * *

I didn't quite know what I'd expected to find. I'd been awake for five hours after sleeping for fourteen, and had since exercised my stamina and my strength. And while certainly my friends had tremendous endurance to have followed me in my exploits, I had expected them to still be asleep, recovering their strength.


Thus it was that surprise overcame me when I saw Skyfire, Doomtune, and Doodle sitting upon the couches about the table, all amiably splitting bread and sharing fruits. The sight of two mare servants tending to them, pouring wine into goblets and supplying bowls of fresh porridge, only compounded my initial bafflement.


Doodle's eyes widened the moment she caught sight of me, and she pulled her head off of her platter -- her face speckled with crumbs and cheese as she gave me a gigantic grin -- and galloped over to me, nearly tripping a zebra over.


"Mishter Gowdweeth!" she mumbled through a full mouth as she strangled my foreleg in a hug. "I wash wondewing where you went, luyk mish Shkyfire and mishter Doomtune! Then theshe nishe zebras came over and gave ush food! Ishn't that nishe?"


I looked to the others, who met my gaze with easy smiles of amusement. Doomtune spoke, "Yeah, she was looking all over the room for you, even rummaging through table drawers and grape bowls." He let out a little sigh and murmured, "Her screeches could wake a deaf bat..."


I nodded and smirked, "Oh yes, I can imagine her filly-aged vocal cords could make the perfect sonic weapon." I looked down at Doodle's cheeky grin and gave her a pat on the head. "Go on then, go and eat. I've already had my share of food." She gave me a nod and trotted back, then planted her muzzle in her porridge; she made quite a mess all over the table, flinging goop in all directions as she literally gulped the stuff down -- at the rate she was eating, she'd devoir everything in a hundred miles in just a day.


I couldn't help but smile with amusement at her childish antics; Flav was right, children were quite the gift. Of course I didn't want kids, but they were nice to have around. I trotted closer and found a comfortable spot to sit upon.


"So, where've you been?" Skyfire questioned as I sat myself opposite her. She was soaking her piece of bread in a generous dose of olive oil and cheese, and had a smile on her face as she did so. I guess sleep and a proper meal can make anyone feel cheery, huh?


"Training in the practice rooms," I replied, before taking an offered goblet of wine. After thanking the zebra mare (who gave me the most sheepish smile I'd ever seen from a zebra) I continued, "After that I had a lovely little conversation with one of the praetorian guards." Then with obvious sarcasm finished, "And after that, another lovely conversation with another guard; this time it was the same one who tried to arrest us." I rolled my eyes.


"Training huh?" she asked with a sly grin, looking me over. "Oh yeah, as if you weren't enough of a prime example of masculine beauty." She gave me a little wink.


"Thanks for the compliment," I said simply before downing the wine in great gulps. It wasn't as strong as the undiluted dosage Vesperius had offered me, nor was the warmth it spread through me as pleasing, but it was good enough for being just a few months old. I had to suppress a little cough afterwards, though; it was then that I decided to intake alcohol more slowly.


She frowned at my response but quickly recovered. She put on a forced smile and said, "Yeah... uh, yeah sure! Friends compliment each other, right?" She gave a fake little chuckle. She frowned once more, trying to hide her face by looking elsewhere.


"They do," I replied as I took a small sip. Then I took greater concern over her disposition. "Why the long face? I would have thought that the idea of being able to have a day without getting shot at would make you smile."


"Trust me, it does," she said insincerely, looking out the balcony. "Yeah, nice clear skies... a pleasant breeze... green grass... you know, it-it's all nice." She lifted a goblet filled with wine and held it close. "And, er, the wine! Yeah, tasty stuff... so, yeah. Today's awesome."


"So you say, yet you look as though you've been told ill news," I pointed out. By then the topic of our conversation had taken Doomtune's curiosity, and he sat against his backrest and stared at us as we talked. Doodle, typically, did not seem to care at all.


She grimaced but didn't say anything at first. Then she said softly, "I guess I look pretty depressed, don't I? Well... don't mind it." She gave me a tiny, mirthless smile. "Just... problems I'm still trying to get over. Thoughts I'm trying to sort out. Emotions I'm trying let go of. That's all, nothing else."


I nodded. "Now's the best time for all of us to work our thoughts out, I suppose. As in now, before we go out again and-..." I stopped myself short.


Right... our stop here wasn't going to be permanent. We'd gotten here and... then we'd go out again. For what I couldn't say. Try to find out Tod and Tom's motives? The history of Roam's destruction? Maybe take care of those mountain guns or that black cloud to the south? All of the above? I'd spent so much time thinking of getting to the Forum that I'd forgotten to figure out what to do after. Now I felt directionless, and it made me frown. I had such a huge ambition but no plan to achieve it, and that made me feel stupid and incompetent. Now I needed to think of a plan fast. Much suffering would befall innocents if I couldn't achieve my goal of knocking some sense into bad people's heads, and every second was precious.


But as I racked my head to start coming up with basic points of my plan, I suddenly felt something in me. A twinge of a sort, a desire. Something more than just saving people for the sake of saving people; a... what was it? It was a strange feeling... a desire for... what, glory? Power? Like Julius when he was fulfilling his ambition? No, no it couldn't be... I had no practical use for such things. I didn't want to be an emperor like he did. All I wanted was a better world.


But to make the world better, I needed an image good enough to inspire those around me. It had to be flawless, a universal and unquestionable image of honor that all would praise me for. Honor and integrity that no one would speak up against, not even that damned praefect. And the love of the people, yes... like Flavianicus had; I'd need that too. I'd need them all to hail me as the perfect Roaman and emulate me. And rewards! Yes, rewards. Perhaps a little authority and influence for all my hard work, that would be nice...


Well... it all technically added up to power... but it wasn't wrong if I naturally got it instead of, say, killing some senators to get theirs, right? Now that was bad; working for my power and earning it after having obtained the goodwill of the people? That was good. A sly smile crawled onto my face as I began fantasizing of the awe I'd inspire, all the people chanting my name as I trotted down the Road of Triumphs...


"And?" Doomtune queried, directing my thoughts away from glorious little fantasies and wiping the smile off my face. Right, friends now... more important things later.


I sighed and sat straight up, asking the servants to kindly leave for a moment. They hesitated a little but went out. When they'd gone I turned to face my companions. Then I started to have second thoughts, which was when I truly took notice of our lacking member. "Where's Myst? I don't exactly want to speak of this without her company."


"She's... well, still asleep. On your bed," Skyfire answered, seeming reluctant and even a little pained saying it. Then she frowned again, ears drooping. Doomtune took particular notice of that.


"Well... I guess I can talk to her about this in private later, but as for you..." I sucked in a breath to continue, but then looked to Doomtune. "Yeah, just so you know, you aren't really involved in this; what I say doesn't really have that much sway over your actions, after all."


"Depends on the words," Doomtune shrugged. "Now, you were saying...?"


I cleared my throat. "Yes, well... Skyfire, you think you should stay here?"


My question seemed to bring up all sorts of barricades in my friend's head. "What do you mean 'stay here', huh?" she asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.


I took in a bracing breath. "Well, I've said this before, but... you know you don't have to come with me right? You and Myst could stay here, in the Forum, away from the outside. Leave all the dangerous work to me. You could have a life here, away from all the violence."


She rolled her eyes and groaned. "This talk again? More 'Goldwreath should suffer all kinds of shit for us'? Yeah... no. I don't know why you keep thinking like this, but just because you're the 'Praetorian' doesn't mean you should be the only one of us fighting the good fight." She sat up straight, crossed her forehooves and harumphed. "I'm sticking with you; if I stayed here, what would I do? Stare at statues and banners all day? That just ain't the kind of life for me; maybe it is for a hermit or something, but not me."


I raised my hooves in a gesture of submission. "Alright, no need to get all fired up. I was just... presenting an option. It's just... you know, I want to keep you guys safe. A person's defined by those he calls friends; what will define me if I have none? Irresponsibility and incapability to protect those closest to me? I don't want that, and I don't want you to come to harm. But if you're deadset on staying with me... your choice."


She took in my words with a little frown of contemplation, but then nodded. "I understand. You're concerned for us. I get that. I'll try to take some weight off you and try not to do anything... reckless, if I can help it," she said, giving me a genuine smile all the while. "One of the things I like most about you is that you actually care about people, and not just what they can do for you in return. Not a lot of people like that, and those that exist, well... they don't usually last long." She frowned again.


Doomtune scooted over and patted her. "If it's any consolation, once your Enclave hears of your team's sacrifice, I'm sure they'll honor them justly."


"They won't," Skyfire said, shaking her head. "You don't know them like I do; those assholes on the council wouldn't even welcome pegasi back from the surface with warm greetings, much less honor them at their deaths." She scowled angrily, but relaxed soon afterwards. Then she looked to him and smiled. "But thanks. It's nice to have a little fantasy to look forward to."


I kept silent this time, unlike before where I'd tried to console her. I'd said all I could to ease her pain before, now it was her turn to do something about it. Sometimes silence was the best move to make, and removed the risk of saying something wrong that would just pick open old wounds and cut deeper than before. If her getting over it completely required a little angst here and there... so be it.


Suddenly Doodle sent a splash of porridge flying at our faces, speckling our cheeks and mane with olive-smelling oatmeal. I wiped my eyelids clean and looked at her, who grinned so madly wide at us her face trembled with tension.


"Fi-niiiished!" she sang out, taking an unnatural amount of pride at having finished her meal. Then she looked at each of us frowning at her, our bodies coated in oats, and her grin disappeared. "Whoops, eheh," she chuckled. "Sowwy..." she pouted.


"I certainly hope they taught you table manners over in Fillydelphia," I grumbled as I wiped my face. The others did the same, trying to be patient with her antics. Doomtune, who'd had the least experience with her, let out many a deep breath to vent his annoyance.


It was as we cleaned ourselves in silence that a group of eight praetorians stepped into the doorway and into the room, surrounding the couches without making any eye contact. Once they'd enclosed is in an octagonal formation and stood at attention, another praetorian commander entered the room. No, not a commander, a tribune. This was the one masked in silver; my new acquaintance. I smiled.


"Praetorian," he rasped, nodding respectfully. "Legate Vesperius wishes your company and that of your entourage as soon as possible; we are here to escort you when you are finished with preparations."


I rose my eyebrows at his words. "Well, after a month of fighting for opportunities to voice concerns, now I have the opportunity given to me? What a change in fortune!" I said aloud, clapping my hooves in glee. I gave him a little smile. "You can go ahead and tell him we'll be right there; a little bit of cleaning is in order, as you can see."


"We shall wait, my praetorians and I. We prefer to personally escort our charge," he replied simply, and put his forehooves behind his back in a waiting gesture. His praetorians followed in kind, and soon we were in the presence of some very quiet and ominous guards. Doomtune froze where he was, looking at them with an upraised eyebrow, while Skyfire and Doodle shared the same look of... something between awe (especially for Doodle) and general curiosity.


They weren't demanding anything, but I felt it wrong to keep them (and my first major freely-given opportunity to speak my concerns) waiting, so I got up and rushed into a washroom I'd never known the guest rooms had and cleaned myself off straight away. The others were far slower and less eager in their response, but they did as I did, albeit with some hesitation. They didn't seem to like leaving their brunch half-finished.


Their hesitation -- especially Skyfire's -- caught my attention. What, was the state of Roam's affairs not more important than one meal? She and Myst had been so willing to stay awake with me yesterday despite their exhaustion. Were they... pretending to be of like mind; trying to look like they had the same goal as me? Why? To... to not disappoint me? The thought of their pretending to have similar intent sent shivers down to my hooves and gave me pause just as I backed out into the main room.


Thus it was that much of my eagerness to speak of my concerns were replaced with actual concerns. And thus it was that I made sure to scrutinize her appearance the moment she came out of the other washroom -- blank, downcast eyes; tentative hoofsteps; slow breathing... all suggestive of lack of enthusiasm.


So they were pretending. At the very least, Skyfire was pretending. I felt crushed, like I'd been tricked for who knows how long. And it was quite possible that I had been deceived, maybe from the very moment her motives for staying with me were revealed in the tunnels, maybe even before that. Suddenly I doubted her and her every move, and tremendous suspicion bloomed in my head, questioning not for the first time her true motives for staying with us. The only thing I could think of was how to force her true intent into the light, plain for all to see and scrutinize her like the treacherous, pretentious snake she was. And if she wasn't hiding anything at all? Oh well, one potential threat gone, then.


Wait... what the fuck was I thinking?


I smacked my face so hard my muzzle bled out a drop, but at least the pain cleared my head of my venomous thoughts. Where had that come from? I was overreacting, damn it! Of course they wouldn't look all too eager; for all I knew, they could have still been sleepy! Hell, maybe they just didn't want to put on a smile; lots of people didn't smile at every good fortune. How could I possibly question her now, after all she'd gone through for and with me? If anything, I was the one with possible ulterior motive, what with all my ambitions flying around in my head. They didn't deserve that kind of suspicion because they weren't me. They weren't failures at the things they were supposed to do, and I was. In the Stable I'd failed to stop a crime and save my mentor, then the day after that I failed to prove my innocence; out here I was failing to be the the Praetorian everyone thought I was, instead being so weak and doubtful as to let my petty emotions get in the way of my duty; and at last to my friends, to whom I was failing to be the strong shoulder they could lean on simply because I couldn't keep myself in line.


In the end, the only thing I was was a pony trying so very hard to stop failing, and failing even at that. I was capable of nothing of importance, and everyone suffered for it.


I cast my eyes down, taking those thoughts in. 'Nothing but a failure...' I frowned. Suddenly I coughed, feeling sore in the limbs.


'And the metaphorical gates are open,' said Tod. He laughed, 'This is going to be so much fun.'


I didn't get a chance to react. My body at once felt feverish; weak, numb -- so much so that even expressing my pain hurt. All the sensations overwhelmed me and sent me thudding against doorway, incapable of focusing on any coherent thought. I shut my eyes closed as hot, agonized tears gathered. My heart thundered as shakes ravaged my muscles, weakening my legs and sending me to the ground. A terrible headache erupted inside my skull, my veins throbbing with each heartbeat. Vertigo flooded my senses as the world seemed to revolve around me.


I felt armored hooves grab me and yank me up onto my limbs, and I opened my eyes. The praetorian tribune rushed me over to a couch, and there I lay still in absolute agony. I couldn't even vent my pain into any emotion; just existing was a pain, much more thinking and feeling.


Skyfire galloped over and took my face in her hooves. "Goldwreath? Goldwreath, what's wrong?" she asked in a rush. I just stared back at her with an agonized gaze, my throat dry and sore. She brought a hoof to my brow and her eyes widened. "He'-he's burning up like hell!" She rounded on the praetorian guards. "We need to get him to a bed; you have medicine and icepacks around here, don't you? Painkillers? Knock-out liquid? Go and get them, quick!"


Everything after that was a disorienting blur. Even when I closed my eyes, my head swam and every external stimulus sent waves of throbbing pain to my head. Every touch on my flesh elicited a groan as they hauled me off to my room and laid me as gently as they could on the sheets next to Myst, whom they at once started trying to wake up. Sweat dribbled down my face as the sensations grew more intense, and I cried aloud and fought with every fibre of my being the horrible feelings and fragments of poisonous thoughts and jeering laughter echoing maddeningly in my head. I tore at the sheets in my anguish, wishing I could just end my suffering.


I felt Skyfire on the bed with me, struggling to calm me down and get me flat on my back. Her aggressive attempts only served to intensify my pain, and soon I found myself gasping in complete exhaustion as my body strained itself in every manner possible. It was then that she managed to get me on my back, and through the blur of my vision I just barely managed to spot a syringe in her mouth. I struggled straight away; the very feel of their breath on my skin felt like fire, a needle would be excruciating.


The praetorian guards came over and held me down, and I screamed as my joints felt like red-hot metal gears grinding to force mechanical motion. Many a word and sentence they uttered fell on my ears as nothing more than garbled hums, and my only comfort in all my misery was that what they were saying was, presumably, all attempts to tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn't believe them in the slightest.


Then I felt the needle burry itself in my forelimb, and I screamed so much it echoed in my head and dried my throat. Then the liquid started flowing in my veins, and all I was met with was blissful unconsciousness.

* * * Magnus et Potens Roamanus * * *

I awoke to the ear-splitting groan of thunder and a flash of lightning, both sending tremendous waves of searing pain through my senses and into my brain. The fever had only heightened; the pillow was hot from the heat of my neck. Every motion, no matter how small -- from the roll of my eyeballs to the beat of my heart -- felt volatile, ready to serve in my destruction... somehow. I felt beyond sick; this was no mere affliction of the body, that much I could say. It was a battle raging inside of me, making a warzone of every aspect of my being, and I was losing it on every turn. From the physical standpoint alone that much was obvious; every breath felt like I was inhaling acidic gas, and my muscles -- who'd earlier that day felt on their prime -- now felt like gelatinous goo inside my limbs. The sweat on my face didn't feel like sweat, it felt like lava. And my head, oh gods help me, my head...


I covered my ears in a futile attempt to protect myself from the roaring of the storm outside. "Myst... S-skyfire..." I groaned aloud, twisting in the bed to get as little stimulus as possible. My effort only served to send me rolling off the edge, and I swear my bones cracked as I thudded to the floor. I barely suppressed my scream.


Vibrations resonated through the ground as several unknown beings approached me, and as gently as they could laid me onto the bed again. I wailed from the burning pain of their touch on my skin. Voices called out names, asking them to come quick. Blurry smudges moved in my vision, and I felt the sheets being pulled over me. The mere warmth of the cloth felt like fire, and I screamed.


"S-top, you-you're hurting him!" I heard voice stammer, and all the metal-clad hooves withdrew and left me to the passive sting of the sheets. Then I felt a hoof on my shoulder, lightly and softly turning me onto my back. This touch only hurt slightly; it was so soft, so kind... I didn't deserve it. Failures like me deserved this kind of suffering. And as if agreeing with me, my body then stung as though I'd been boiled in acid, and Tod laughed in my head. I couldn't even gather enough will to curse him.


"Goldwreath?" Myst asked in the haze of my vision. She had tears on the brims of her eyes, and her voice was barely recognizable through the eery wheezes and taunting growls echoing in my head. She gave a little hiccup and let some tears slide across her cheek. She didn't say anything, but instead drew me into an agonizing embrace.


"M'am, get back!" a praetorian guard ordered. "We don't know if his illness is contagious, whether it's bacterial or stress-induced. Best to take precautionary measures." Myst didn't flinch at his orders, but rather took me deeper into the embrace. Her tears felt like boiling liquid metal sliding across my flesh, and I grunted from the heat.


"Myst..." a stallion said softly, tiredly; it was Doomtune, I think. "Just do what he says. It's bad enough to have just him like this, it would be even worse for the both of you to fall ill." I felt a tug as he tried prying her away. "Come on, he needs to be left alone first."


"On the contrary," said a voice, clear as the trickle of water in a sound-reflective room. What's more, his sound didn't hurt in my head nor did it sting my ears. With my eyelids feeling like overheated shutters, I slid them open and glanced around. My vision had deteriorated badly; at least before the needle I could tell the name of the blurs, now everything looked so distorted I couldn't tell the wall from the ceiling.


But Vesperius was as clear in my sight as he would have been to any normal zebra or pony. He stood under the blurry doorway, looking at me. Then he approached, taking deliberately slow steps until he came to the bed. Then he sat on the side and put a hoof to my brow; I flinched from the contact, but it didn't hurt -- it was the only thing that felt even vaguely clear and peaceful amidst all the muddled sensations and thoughts swimming in and out of my head.


"This is... no affliction of the body alone," he said with a grimace as he withdrew his hoof. He looked behind him at one of the vaguely purple-black blurs. "Quickly, get the sacrificial bowl and marble platform, and also one of the baby cerati. I must call for the gods' attention on this matter."


"You're serious?" Skyfire asked right next to me, sounding irritated. "Look at him, he's dying over here! We need to get his fever down, not kill something to call on some deities that don't likely even exist!"


"They're as real as the sickness that plagues your friend," Vesperius retorted. "And even if you were right, which you are not, it wouldn't matter. I have no medical knowledge whatsoever, and the doctors are still coming to deal with his physical situation. That is where they can help; I can only assist by asking for divine intervention. Would you rather I just sit here and do nothing?"


Skyfire didn't answer, and to that Vesperius muttered, "Good. Now if you truly want to help, get another icepack; his temperature hasn't lowered to the past few, which is a very troubling sign." Then he leaned close and started inspecting me. He couldn't keep his hoof on my neck for more than a few seconds; apparently my temperature was that high. "What could it be..." he murmured, "Bacterial infection isn't quite likely. Does neutralized Black Cloud cause fever? No, it explodes when it wakes up... stress is the most likely culprit. But he's a very healthy stallion physically... could it be placebo effect? Some poisonous thought? What an evil thing it must be to cause such dire afflictions. And his coat; Jupiter save him, he's so, so pale..."


He turned around for a moment. "Ah good, give it to me." In his hooves suddenly appeared the blue blur of what must have been the icepack. From the crunch of ice in his hooves, it must have been a solid block. He wrapped it up in some cloth and laid it on my brow, and I immediately wished he hadn't. The sudden application of such extreme cold felt like I'd had an icicle speared through my brain, and I jerked violently to fling the block away. The ice flew through the air and crashed into something metal, and a praetorian guard yelped in surprise.


There was a moment of groaning. "It... it melted, sir," the guard -- nothing more than a blur -- said as he handed the icepack over to Vesperius.


"Get another one," Vesperius ordered as he looked down at the supposedly liquefied ice. When the guard came back Vesperius tried placing another on my head. This time I stopped him.


"Please... don't..." I coughed softly. "It's not worth it... I'm not worth it. Just... just leave me to die here; that would be an appropriate end for inadequate scum like me." I felt... wrong, in every manner possible. Emotions were like mud -- useless and insignificant. My body and mind alike felt like a pressure cooker; the tension inside me would just keep growing until everything left me like steam, and then I'd be either hollow and lifeless if I survived or... dead. I preferred the latter. Death at least would provide me a break from all the echoing, maddening whispers and ghostly noises in my head; worst of all was the piercing ring, unending and impenetrable...


My words had earned me the silence of all in the room, that is until Myst's sobs broke out next to me. A flicker lit up in Vesperius' eyes -- the flicker one gets when one suddenly understands something no other does. "The Great Destroyer..." he growled in disgust. He took in a bracing breath and ordered sternly, "Everyone, outside. This is not a problem we can deal with conventionally. But there is a way for us to assist."


"H-how?" Myst choked out. "How do we help him? Please, he's even more unlike himself than he was a few days ago..." She let out in a shaky exhale, "Only this time he might die..."


"He won't," Vesperius assured her, looking at me all the while. "Not unless the gods have abandoned their plan for him, to which I know... rather, hope, that they haven't." Doubt sprang onto his features as he felt my temperature again. "You must all help me; follow me to the gallery of the gods, and after the sacrifice, we pray. This fever... any other person would be dead. It's not natural."


"No... don't..." I groaned. "It's not worth the effort..." I said, swaying my head left and right, trying to catch the barest of cool breeze from the outside to relieve some of the blistering heat. Suddenly my throat felt like it'd grown into a colony for ants, and I coughed out every last bit of moisture in my mouth, feeling my vocal cords shred from the exertion. "Just... leave me..." I rasped.


"Stop it!" Myst snapped. "Goldwreath, we are not going to let you lie down on this bed and suffer until you die of-of dehydration or suffocation or... or anything! Doodle and I are crying for you; Skyfire's been flapping her wings off to death looking for people who can help; Doomtune's been delaying going back to Madran just to see if you'll recover!" She held my face in her hooves, her body trembling. "So don't you dare tell us to let you die! Please, don't... please..." Her hooves trembled as she held me close.


There was a momentary silence. "Very, very troubling..." Vesperius mused. "In any case, we certainly aren't bowing to his wishes. Quick, get his memoriam galeam... his memory orbs should keep his body awake in all senses save mentally, thus he can keep fighting -- the best weapon in a mental fight aside from positive thoughts is a blank mind, incapable of self-destruction. Let him sleep only when his body forces it, for I fear sleep will... greet him with many a nightmare." He left the bed and trotted a little off. "Come on, then. The doctors should be arriving soon. Best we get on with our part in taking care of this... most disturbing occurrence."


"We can't just leave him alone," Myst said firmly, sniffing. "I'll do this, but... someone has to be here to take care of him. To give him water when he wakes or to help him up if he falls. That's all I need," she continued as she stroked my mane gently.


"I hadn't planned on leaving him alone, don't worry," Vesperius replied. "Tribune Justinian and his praetorian controbernium will stay here with him and make sure he comes to no possible harm. Besides, after we're done praying, you can stay on this bed with him and watch over him the entire night if you so desire. Have no fears of infection; this is no bacterial sickness."


Everything after that was a mixture of smudged up sights and stimuli. I knew they were leaving, albeit tentatively. I tried my best to not listen to their assurances of survival; it just didn't seem likely, and their words of kindness were wasted upon me, a failure. What's more, it caused me heartache to hear their anguish. When they'd gone, I was left alone to groan to the rumble of thunder, the heavy trickle of rain, and the searing flashes of lightning.


I felt a metal surface on my head, and I hissed in pain. The two guards strapping my memory helmet on were being very gentle, but every second my condition deteriorated. Soon they'd attached it to my head, and I felt an additional weight on my skull.


"I'm not... worth it..." I moaned weakly as my world started slipping off into another.


'Good that you know it,' Tod laughed, then growled in a low, vicious tone, 'Because I'm not done with you yet.'

ooooOOOOoooo

And I was in. Damn it. Why couldn't they just leave me be? Why not just let me die like the scum I was? I didn't deserve all their efforts. Now they were probably expending precious time and energy on me.


Just like in the real world, everything inside this orb also felt wrong, terribly excruciating. Only this time I couldn't yell or groan in my agony, and that only made me want to scream more. Yet I couldn't help but feel like I deserved the pain; if I didn't become the Praetorian everyone needed after all this pain, then maybe I didn't deserve to have their admiration.


'Damn it Goldwreath!' yelled a voice in my head. 'Stop thinking like this, all this suicidal lack-of-worth nonesense! You're only feeding-...'


'No!' growled the horrendously savage voice that was Tod. 'He's mine now!'


'Not if I have anything to do about it!' snapped the other.


The voices fell silent, receding into nothing more than ambient groans and whispers in the back of my head. At least the pain had receded, even if I could feel the sensations creeping in on me from the edges of my perception. With the decline in the pain, my vision cleared a bit. Now I could at least see what was going on in the orb.


Just like the world my physical body lay in, it was raining. I hadn't felt my host in my pain, but now that I could I realized that Veltrio was actually soaked head to hoof in rainwater as he trotted up a concrete road. The wind howled in my ears, making it impossible to differentiate the orb from the noises in my head.


Suddenly the roar of water increased, reaching almost deafening levels. Ahead, clear in the absurdly acute eyesight of my mutated ('or is he 'chimerafied?'' was what I asked myself) host, was the thick downpour of a waterfall raging off a cliff, onto the mountainside, and down into the foggy depths of the land below. My host followed the road until he came under the cover of the mountain, and the rain ceased bombarding me with fat drops of water.


The temperature of my flesh heightened, literally roasting the outer layers of Veltrio' skin. It was excruciating to both of us; more so to me because my afflictions heightened my perception of temperature to agonizing levels. The pain receded, and my host's flesh was dry.


Next Veltrio galloped quickly off the road and into a small cave on the dry mountainside. Once within, he tore off his weathered leather jacket and laid a backpack on the ground. He opened it and pulled out the typical operative black combat attire and quickly put it on. Once the helmet was fixed in place, my host incinerated the backpack and jacket with a quick, controlled blast of high-pitched noise that burst from his eyes. Then he turned around to face the rain.


The HUD lit up, revealing all sorts of information that I didn't care for. The only thing that caught my attention was a flashing notification, labelled 'INCOMING TRANSMISSION'.


Veltrio activated it with a stare, and at once the clear voice of Decarius sounded in my ears, "In place at last. Good. The others are still making their way to their positions, but your role can be initiated now."


"The target is Fluttershy," my host said flatly. "I'll need to get close to her. Her bodyguards should make easy prey, then I'll expose her to the gift until her mind is mine. After we've tricked her to assist us, we'll report back to Leviathan and cruise back. The plan is simple and we're prepared, my lord."


Decarius snickered, "Glad to have bred such determined operatives. It'll be a little more complicated than that, I'm sure you know, but I believe you can handle it." He let out a deep, relaxed breath. "Carry on then. Bring glory to Roam."


"Will do," Veltrio deadpanned, and the transmission went dark. My host trotted close to the raging waterfall and stood there, staring into the waters. The rain started getting noticeably weaker.


Before I knew anything else, Veltrio's mechanical body pushed him forward in a savage dash and he leapt into the air, piercing through the waterfall and diving through sky. An alien sensation spread through me as a sickening tearing of flesh rippled through the air, and bones cracked and reformed on my spine. Green reflected off the nearby raindrops, and before I knew it... he was flying. No matter how unnatural the wings I felt were, I could recognize the feel of those appendages anywhere.


He spread out his wings and broke his downward momentum, then flapped with monstrous energy to soar high up. Every second the storm grew thinner, and as my host crested the top of a raincloud, I saw why.


There were about a dozen pegasi, all working hard and flying in every direction, kicking clouds to pieces and pushing them off elsewhere. Veltrio growled angrily at the sight, and bolted forward like a bullet.


The first victim was a young mare, couldn't have been over twenty. Veltrio impacted with her, grappling her and squeezing her head in as he flew around to get at the others. The second mare hadn't even noticed the brutal death of her companion, and didn't get the chance to fly off before Veltrio ripped the corpse's spine out and lobbed it through the air, spearing her right through the eye. The bodies fell towards the ground and would have alerted everyone below to what was happening, but then my host focused on them with pure fury, and slowly the corpses disintegrated into ashes as they plummeted towards the earth.


It was now that the ten other pegasi had noticed what was transpiring. They flew off in panic, with two guard stallions clad in a golden armor being brave (and stupid) enough to come flying at me. Veltrio wasted no time in flapping his wings and bolting towards them. The impact bent their armor and their bodies slid across Veltrio's back as he continued flying towards the fleeing ponies, ignoring the guards for now.


They were all clumped up into two groups of five, easy prey for my host's next move. First he landed on one of their backs and tore off the stallion's wings. A visible green wave rippled though the air and towards the ripped off appendages, rapidly mutating them into two blade-tipped fans. Those he tossed into the other group as they attempted to flee, killing two more and causing mass confusion as the others impacted with the limp bodies. The remaining seven this time flew off in entirely different directions, flapping like they'd never flapped before. They flew and flew, disappearing into the mass of rainclouds that surrounded my host.


They'd probably thought they got away. They were so wrong.


My vision became dominated with green, and I felt a tremendous power pulsating with every beat of Veltrio's heart. My host raised his forelegs up, and thunder growled as the clouds seemed to lurch inwards with unnatural speed. Veltrio jerked his hooves downwards, and seven flashes of vaguely green lightning erupted from within the dark clouds. Seven charred pegasi fell, plummeting to the misty earth below. After focusing on them for a while, my host had set them ablaze as well. No one would ever know what had happened.


"When this is all over, all these deaths will be vindicated," Veltrio declared, turning around midair. Behind him were the two guards, armor smashed and coats bruised. They looked beyond enraged; I knew the feeling, I'd been there before. They were so angry they probably hadn't thought of running away or backing down, even though they saw very clearly what it was they were facing. Brave fools... but fools nonetheless.


"You abomination," one of them growled, flying off to the side to flank my host. "I don't know... what you are, but you will feel justice's burn for your murderous deeds."


"Of that I must correct you," Veltrio snickered. "See, the faults of my brethren and I are purely societal constructs. In the new world, barbarian, all honor and and pride will be Roam's, the rightful ruler of the world."


"You're a fucking maniac," the other spat, bringing a spear to bear. "You and all your fellow... what, are you some disillusioned Lunar guard or something?"


"Maybe I am a Lunar guard, and maybe we are crazy!" Veltrio chuckled. Then he fixed them both with a stare, red reflecting off the inside of his visor. "But it doesn't matter what we are. What matters are our plans," he growled in a low, foreboding tone.


They scowled at me and raised their weapons to attack, but they'd already started turning to stone. Their limbs dragged them down and slowed their momentum as they flew, and their terror became more evident with every second they descended. They flapped hard, struggling, while my host just hovered in place, laughing with sadistic amusement at their futile efforts. "This," he jeered, "Is why pegasus biology is weak -- wings are often too weak to bear truly heavy loads."


Soon their descent increased in speed, and eventually they didn't have wings to flap with. Nor hearts or flesh, or an expression that could change. For the rest of their freefall into the cloud-obscured land below, they were nothing but statues.


"Thank goodness they'll land on the rocky mountainside," my host commented as he flapped there idly.


'Give him up!' bellowed Tod's voice with an ambient rumble like rolling boulders on a mountainside. 'He's mine now!'


'You possess no one!' boomed the voice with an echo like battlecries. A scuffle ensued, and once more they receded into the depths of my mind.


With the pegasi gone and none to keep the clouds at bay, they eventually started reforming. Soon the thunder began to rumble again, and lightning flashed. Veltrio flew to the edge of the darkest, biggest cloud and slowly descended onto it. To my surprise, his limbs made physical contact. It baffled me; I'd thought only the natural magic imbued within pegasi alone allowed us to step on clouds, yet... here he was. An abomination, trotting on and defiling the home of my race.


"Are your operatives in position, Tecton?" Veltrio queried.


"We're in the crystal tunnels, still looking for a feasible exit," Tecton replied. "This place disgusts me; there's remnants of changeling cocoons everywhere."


My host nodded, "Alright. When you've found a way onto the surface, you know what to do and where to meet up."


Veltrio trotted a little closer to the edge, waiting for some sunlit clouds to disperse. It happened quick enough, and my eyes were met with color -- faint patches of dark white and dark red, shadowed by the presence of the rain clouds but tinged dark gold by afternoon light. The clouds moved on to the sides, and I saw it.


Canterlot, the capital of the Equestrian nation. Perched atop its mountain, just like it'd looked in books and films, too. It was majestic, easily the equal of any Roaman structure save the Forum. The waterfall I'd just been under stemmed from within the city. It was also huge -- not nearly as big as the original Roam, but it must have been an immeasurably difficult task to construct such a feat of architectural ingenuity onto the slopes of a mountain. Roads of concrete snaked all over it's level foundation, disappearing behind the dark forms of shadow-darkened spires and low-rise rectangular structures. Little black smudges moved slowly across the dimly-lit streets, melting into the darkness cast upon the city by the storm. Lightning flashed and stabbed the mountain and the city, but up here it was calm, peaceful even.


I would gladly have had him stay there longer just to look at the scenery, but suddenly, "We're on the streets. Assuming disguises now," Tecton said.


"Walls are clear!" another voice declared.


"Guards neutralized, bodies copied," another deadpanned.


"Emerging from the river; heading up the slopes now," said another. Various more reports called in, all confirming success.


My host smiled cryptically and replied to them all, "Very good. Blend into the populace, meet at the designated location. Begin Operation: Misguidance. Roamana potentia summum, amici." He took in a deep breath and looked over the city. Hexagonal patches of blue rippled across my suit, and before I knew it the black armor looked like pony fur. My host smiled again and looked off the edge of the cloud, scanning the stormy, vaguely sunlit city below.


Just as he was about to jump, a silhouette appeared from the horizon and into the sunlight, cruising across the sky. It was no single entity, though -- they were pegasi, all carrying a chariot across the sky. Several dozen of them flew in formation around the cabin; within it must have been someone important to have so many guards escorting him.


My host's smile widened. "A better disguise would be preferable..." he murmured. "And who better to get close to all the important people than he who protects the capital?" He laughed aloud, "Prince Shining Armor... your nation will burn!"


And then he took off, laughing as he neared the heavily guarded sky chariot.

ooooOOOOoooo

I awoke to pain, and lots of it. Every stimulus hurt like hell... but not as much as it had. My fever was still terribly high, but I'd stabilized at least. That much I could tell from the nearly normal beat of my heart. I opened my eyes a crack -- my sight had cleared a bit too, which was good. The rain hadn't lightened up, though; in fact, the storm that howled beyond the watery shield surrounding the Forum had reached hurricane speeds. Several distant grey outlines of buildings steadily declined, then collapsed into the earth. I could see with relative clarity the two praetorian guards standing on the balcony, staring out into the stormy, starless night.


I felt the warm metal of a spoon on my lips. "This won't help bring his fever down, but it will give him some strength," explained an exotic tune of a voice; I knew who it was. I'd saved her the day before from the axe of a minotaur.


I turned and spotted her. Zury was her name, if I remembered clearly. She wore her tribal clothing, supplemented with a Roaman toga on top. She had in her left forehoof a bowl of steaming liquid, and in the other the spoon she was trying to put in my mouth. My eyes glanced aside and I spotted my friends, sitting quietly in the corner, looking at me. Zury jerked back at once, setting the bowl down and calling my friends over. Two other entities in the room I hadn't perceived at first now came into my view. Doctors, from the look of them.


Doodle and Myst rushed closer, the former jumping onto the sheets, crawling up the pillow to be right behind my head. She placed her forehooves onto my forehead, looking down right into my eyes with a fillyish pout. The latter's worry was far more serious-faced. She wasn't just worried, though. She was exhausted, too. I could see it in the shudder of her breaths, in the disfigurement of her normally elegant mane. It made me wonder how much they'd done in their efforts to save me.


She sighed tiredly and leaned close, nuzzling my neck. "Are you feeling any better?" she asked softly. Skyfire came up behind her and handed her a goblet. For a moment I was worried it was wine -- I didn't want her to get addicted to anything just to relieve the anguish of seeing me like this -- but I relaxed when I saw it was just hot chocolate. Myst took it hesitantly and took a little sip.


I breathed slowly for a moment. "Little bit," I rasped. "Head feels like I'm fighting the battle of Teutoberg forest all over again; limbs... feel like they have no bones, and warm goo for muscle." I gave her a rueful little smile as I suppressed a cough. "But... I can think now, and at least the sounds of your voices don't sting like a blade, so yeah... better."


She let out a relieved breath and lay her head down onto the sheets, fighting to keep her eyes open. "That's good," she murmured. "For a moment there we thought you would have... burned up or, what I feared... died screaming." She shivered and looked up at me with a frown. "You just need rest, that's all. What Vesperius said was right. No bacteria, just... stress."


"Not just stress," a zebra mare doctor said primly, looking at a projected hologram of my brain. "His brain is alight with immeasurable activity. It's producing so much heat, yet... he's still alive." She glanced over at us, then trotted over. I hadn't noticed the thermometer underneath my foreleg until she removed it. She looked at the temperature and frowned. "No case of stress has ever caused a one-hundred degree fever..."


"That hot, huh?" I coughed, feeling my stomach lurch. I suddenly tasted bile in my mouth. "I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound... natural."


"It isn't," Vesperius breathed from under the doorway. We all looked over at him. Like my friends, his face was glistening with sweat. He approached us. "Like I told you all, this fever... no affliction of the body alone. It's being caused by something else, something far more... sinister, cruel." He scowled, then put a hoof to my brow and sighed, "Feeling any better, at least?"


"A bit," I answered as Zury cautiously approached and got the spoon into my mouth. I gave her a glance and took a sip of the greenish liquid. It tasted like grass and carrots. Myst and Skyfire gave her a little more room to work with, and soon she was the only mare within hoof's reach. "At least I can talk and hear and see without feeling like I'm being scalded by oil."


"Thank the gods," Vesperius murmured, taking a deep breath. "Then our prayers are answered, or at least the gods have given the matter their attention. See, I told you both they'd listen to us," he said, glancing at my two friends. Skyfire rolled her eyes. Vesperius gave her a little frown and shook his head, but then smiled as Zury continued her spoon feeding. "You are... Zury, yes? The mare Flavianicus mentioned to have been unconscious after the little spectacle in the Colosseum?"


Zury paused and looked into his eyes tentatively. I knew the look she gave him; I'd seen it on shy mares like Myst and Kira before. The only difference was that Zury wasn't cringing. Slowly, she nodded, "Yes... chieftain."


"Chieftain?" Vesperius asked with a confused little smile.


Zury gulped and looked around, eyeing the praetorian guards with a mix of awe and fear. "Yes... my... tribe called all leaders of peoples chieftains. The leader of the Picts my clan called chieftain, even if they themselves called him king. The Briton warlord we called a chieftain as well." She frowned as though ashamed and looked around. "Why, does it... not apply to you?"


"Ah yes, you aren't Roaman," Vesperius murmured. "Not that that's a bad thing, mind you. I knew several good tribals. Some for their personalities, some for their abilities." He paused, smiling a little, and continued, "But to answer your question... on a purely technical level it applies to me, but I'd just prefer if you called me Vesperius or Legate." One of the doctors snickered and shook his head at the confused look on the tribal mare's face, but Vesperius silenced him with a sharp glare.


"I will... call you that... Vesperius," came Zury's slow but steady reply.


"Good," Vesperius smiled. "Now Zury, I believe I speak for all those concerned here when I ask: what are you doing here?" Zury paused her spoon feeding and gave him a confused look. I wanted her to continue; she was right, the soup she gave me wasn't for curing illness, but it sure as hell made me feel my limbs coming back to life. Plus it was tasty stuff. Myst noticed my desire and gently took it from her hooves, then proceeded to feed me.


"I don't understand," Zury said uncertainly, bowing her head submissively.


Vesperius smiled with amusement at the mare's timid disposition. "You knew very well we had doctors; everyone in the Forum knows by now that Goldwreath over here is sick. What I want to know is: why did you volunteer to provide your medical knowledge when he's already in the presence of the best doctors in the Zebrican wasteland?"


"You flatter us, my lord," said the mare doctor with a hint of pride. "We aren't the best doctors in the Zebrican wasteland. At the least, we're the best doctors in the city of Roam."


"All well and the same," Vesperius replied, waving his hoof at them dismissively as he stared at the bowed tribal mare, waiting for her reply.


Her sentences came out in slow segments, but they were clear and said with certainty. I found her manner of speech queer; in the Colosseum, her pleas had come out quick and loud. Perhaps she spoke differently when was nervous? "We of my tribe... we believe in repaying favors. He saved my life, now I do what I can to save his, even if... he is no longer in dire danger of death."


She suppressed a nervous choke as she reached a hoof up to her shoulder, then pulled the cloth down. She pointed at a tattoo snaking down her foreleg. The pattern was strange: a set of blood drops, all falling into a bowl within which were various organs. "My tribe made me their doctor before they were all killed. I thought that maybe I could use my skills again. It's been so long since I've been able to tend to a patient; I was... scared my brew would not help."


I slurped the spoonful of hot liquid quickly, then suppressed a cough. "Oh, it's helping for sure," I rasped, trying to focus on the rejuvenating sensation of the soup coursing through me instead of the hellish heat burning in my chest and on the pounding in my head. I groaned a bit as a sharp stinging sensation arced down my spine. "Still feel like hell, though." I breathed slowly for a moment before asking, "You sure you're in condition to be up, though? You were out cold when I saved you." My heart started pounding as I strained myself to speak. "And... what about... your sister? Is... is she..."


"Shhh..." Myst shushed as she covered my chapped lips with a hoof. "Rest and conserve your strength. You're not well yet." She sighed and brushed my cheek softly, then told them all, "We should let him sleep. He's been through so much... let's let him rest."


Vesperius nodded. "Yes, that would be prudent. But no sleep, not unless he absolutely has to." The graveness of his tone earned him the questioning stares of everyone in the room. He shivered, staring off as though he were having a vision. Myst gave me a worried frown, then leaned close and nuzzled against me.


"Alright," I said softly, grim at the thought of forcing myself awake. "I'll do my best to stay up." Suddenly my chest throbbed and my lungs squeezed, and a series of wheezes and high-strung coughs made their way out of my mouth. Zury came over and landed two soft blows to my chest, and my lungs went calm, albeit a bit stiff. Weird tribal zebra stuff right there.


Vesperius spent a few moments in silence, quietly impressed at what she did. "Very well," he said aloud. "Everyone, outside. Don't worry, he'll be right here in case you need to get to him. Just leave the equipment running to monitor his life signs. Come on, out," he continued, getting off the bed and shooing off my friends. The doctors left without a word. Doodle let out a fillyish whine and clung to my face like a parasite before Skyfire pried her off of me. Zury went out next, giving me a concerned glance before trotting out.


"That goes for you two as well," Vesperius told the two praetorian guards, who the whole time had stood silent at the sides of the entrance to the balcony. The guards looked to each other and held their position, then bowed in unison and trotted out. Vesperius looked at them questioningly as they did. "Justinian's praetorians seem to have an interest in you," he murmured.


"Justinian?" I coughed out, eyes widening. I'd heard the name mentioned before, but I hadn't realized the zebra it alluded to until now. Myst looked between me and the doorway, tentative to leave.


"Yes, Justinian," he replied. "One of the most senior of the ghouls the praetorians are, I believe. You must have been wondering what they were under those masks, well now you know," he said simply. Then he gave me a questioning look. "Why? You know him?"


"Memory orbs," I wheezed. "I... saw him, heard him speak. He was escorting Cadian, the Caesar's son, up those stairs outside."


Vesperius nodded. "Ah, so we know of him in a similar way. I myself saw him several times over from old surveillance footage, and was quite surprised to find that he was alive when they introduced themselves. He also has a fondness of cake, from what I've seen. Almost ate half of Cadian's on one of his birthdays."


I nodded, curious at the new information. I opened my mouth to speak, but he silenced me, saying, "Ah ah, curiosity! Listen Goldwreath, I've seen you and heard you speak through more ways than one; bots, helmet cams, radios, etcetera etcetera. I know you're curious of the past and now have a few new questions, but now is not the time. Assign curiosities and amenities to the proper time and you'll find yourself less stressed; that's how I deal with my work." After a moment he added, "Also the only reason I haven't committed suicide with paper cuts yet..."


I deflated a little. Of the few things that I was still sure of, being a curious pony was one of them. I mean, what had happened to him? Why was he a ghoul and praetorian tribune? Such questions flew around in my head, begging for resolution. To not get answers when I had inquiries infuriated me, and was a frustrating component of my relationship with Tom. But Vesperius was right. My head hurt like hell, and new information would probably be lost in the soup my thoughts were being reduced to.


Myst finally sighed and kissed my cheek softly. "Get better soon," she whispered in my ear, then started trotting out, her head bowed from exhaustion and worry. I deflated even more as I tried to speak, but couldn't get out any solid words to try to get her to stay.


Vesperius stopped her with a hoof after he noticed my struggle. "Ah yes, you. You remember what I told you all earlier?" he said softly. He leaned close and whispered in her ear (yet I could still hear them), "His illness is caused by poisonous thoughts and malevolent intent. Terrible, terrible intent. You can help him; you're one of the few who can." He glanced over at me and continued just as quietly, "He needs you tonight, and you him. You're a couple; Venus would have you two comforting each other in this time of need."


Without another word he turned and left, leaving Myst and I alone in the room. She seemed to be thinking as she stood under the doorway, her back faced to me. She glanced over her shoulder and looked at me for a moment, then gulped. Blushing, she closed the door and slowly trotted closer. Just then I started hearing bits of the talk my friends and caretakers outside were having; most of it was just garbled words and phrases, drowned out by the rain and the thunder beyond the Forum's shield.


She climbed onto the bed slowly, looking me over awkwardly. She wiped the sweat off my face and lay down, on her side and facing me, as she tapped her hooves anxiously. Her eyes widened and she clambered off quickly. "Soup! I should get the soup..." she said in a rush, nearly bolting to the door.


"I think I'm about as strengthened by that stuff as I can get," I rasped, stopping her dead.


She turned around and gave me a nervous little smile. "Okay then! Eheh..." she chuckled a false chuckle, then blurted out, "Oranges! They have vitamin C, good for fever!" She turned and went for the door again.


"And only work against bacterial sicknesses," I said, straining myself to speak. I frowned at her. "Myst, if you feel uncomfortable with the thought of being with me tonight, you can go if you want. Otherwise, it just hurts a damned lot to even speak," I rasped.


She wanted to help me. She just didn't know what exactly to say or do. She had no real medical knowledge, and all that could be done was apparently let me rest. I could understand that she'd be nervous to be around me; when you just enter into a relationship with someone (and I only recently learned this), such drastic changes as sleeping on the same bed could induce all kinds of anxious thoughts. Sure she was worried for me and would take care of me, but that didn't change the fact that we had just recently gone into this whole 'relationship' thing, and ever since then it'd... developed quite fast.


She sighed and turned around. "No, I'm fine." She gulped and trotted over, then hesitantly got onto the bed. "But... you're not. I'm worried about you." She scooted a little closer, pressing softly against my side. "He told us lots of times that this fever's more than just stress. He said he knew it was being caused by something you thought, or something you think you thought. I don't really know what to believe right now, though." She sniffed and looked me in the eyes. "So is it... true? Did you think something... I don't know, bad?"


I breathed slowly for a few moments, looking away and into the rain. "You could say that," I replied hoarsely. "But you know, it's better to know that I fail all the time than to lull myself into thinking I'm anywhere near as good as people think I am." I covered my face in shame.


She took my hoof and gently laid it on the side of the bed. "Why do you say such things? Why keep doubting yourself? Why can't you ever just... feel good?" she asked quietly, her face a reflection of the pain I was in. She sniffed and shut her eyes, then buried her face in my shoulder. "Why don't you ever see yourself the way others do?"


"Because I have to live with the knowledge that I'm nowhere near as good as they think I am, and because every second I'm not good enough more people die," I told her. Then suddenly I blurted out, "Myst, am I crazy?"


She looked at me in shock. "W-what?" she stammered. "Goldwreath, you're not crazy. How could you even think you are?" she asked, askance.


I frowned and looked away again, and after gathering up enough breath said, "Because every second I keep living I feel myself getting dragged into insanity. I'm just not prepared for the job I took on, alright? I came out here wanting to do some good -- and I have, I'll acknowledge that -- but... but it's not enough." I sank my head in the pillow and sighed. "Every day I ask myself all these... questions. Every day I get myself involved in other people's battles, try to do good -- succeed and fail -- collapse when the weight's too heavy, then pick myself up and carry on. That's been the pattern of my life out here -- but for what? What's it all for? Why do more people need to die because I can't get out of this rut and just be good enough?" I asked with a strained, tense voice.


She gave me a pitiful look. "You can't always be good enough to do everything, you know," she said softly. "No matter how hard you work, people will die. It's the truth of the wasteland. Sometimes, the only way to save them is to lose your own life. But then you won't be alive to save others." She sighed and put my head in between her hooves. "You just can't take the entire world on your shoulders and expect to succeed."


Her words cut right to the very heart of my ambitious little head. "Like hell I can. Augustus did; Julius Caesar did. Scipio Aemilianus took on Carthage, Roam's greatest enemy at the time, and beat it. And what were they but mere mortals, equal of any in all terms but determination and mindset?" I snorted and gave her a sharp stare. "If they could force the world to bend to change, then I can too. And I will, even if I have force the necessary common sense and reasoning into every last Roaman and barbarian that exists on this planet. For the glory that was Roam, I'd sacrifice anything."


Just like how her words appalled me, mine likewise shocked her. "Including yourself?" she gasped. Shaking her head, she responded, "Goldwreath I know you want to see the world change and want things to be better... but, really, there's just some things you can't do. Not even with friends and allies; everyone has limits. You can't keep thinking like you need to be able to take on everyone's hurts and problems just to be 'good enough'. You're already so, so much better than most. Why can't you just accept yourself as you are?" She stared off into my eyes, silently begging for an answer.


I let out a long breath and shook my head. "You just don't understand," I muttered, looking away.


She leaned close, placing herself partially on my chest. "Then help me understand," she urged.


I snorted, "But it's already plain to see, you're just deciding to not accept it. I'm weak, Myst. But I want the world to change now because it needs it now. So how does someone weak force something necessary? He becomes stronger through training. But even after all I've gone through, I'm still weak. So I need to train more, even if I tear myself apart doing it. Why? Because I believe that the prosperity of a billion future lives is worth more than just one me. So much more is at stake than just my existence, so if I have to sacrifice more than I can give or kill more than I can live with, I will do it all if it means this world gets its shit together."


"But... b-but what about you?" she asked in a rush. "Don't you think you should live to see that world? Don't you think that, maybe, you need to sacrifice less now so you can help out more later?" Her tone trembled with heartache, then with a voice so quiet she whispered, "Do you even care about yourself?"


"Do I even care about myself?" I scowled. "Myst, if you haven't noticed, it's survival of the strongest out here. I'm not nearly strong enough now to adapt to whatever the wasteland can throw at me -- hell, we barely survived together against what we've faced! So I'll need to train, to strengthen myself in every aspect so I can beat the shit out of this corrupted world and make way for a new one. When that is done, and if I still live, then I will know I deserve to exist on this planet. If I die, then that's that. Can't you understand why I need to question myself? Doubt is useful -- it shows me where I need to improve. It shows me where I'm weak. And most of all? It makes sure I never grow too sure of myself."


She frowned, deflating and melting into the bed. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I... understand," she breathed, soft and meek, and sniffed.


"Do you?" I prodded. "Because I'm so sick of having these kinds conversations. I don't want to be weak again, not like I was at the library or after you put me in that orb, and not like I am now. I want to get past these weaknesses so I can focus on what needs to be done, not muddle myself up with all these... these emotions."


She didn't answer, and it irritated me. "Or are you just saying you get it? In fact, why are we even talking about my motives when there's more practical things to discuss? Why are you so worried about why I do things?"


She kept her silence and buried her face against my neck, sinking her head into the pillow. I felt hot tears against my skin, and it baffled me. "Myst?" I asked, concerned. Maybe the tone of my voice hurt her? Or my words? Maybe I'd accidentally insulted her somehow? Oh, suffering to me if I was the cause of this...


She tore herself away from me just enough for me to see the deep pain in her eyes. "Because I don't want you to be hurt, alright?" she sobbed out through a shaky exhale, blinking in her tears. "I don't. I don't want to. I've seen too many good people die because they wanted things to change or because they didn't try to restrain themselves. I couldn't stop it, not even once. Not even for those I cared for. I care so much about you, and I'm scared that... that you'll die just like them. That I can't do anything to protect you like I couldn't do anything to protect them."


She turned away, trying to keep herself quiet as she buried her face in the pillow. Her words cut right at me again, and I realized that she quite simply cared too much about me to let me just do whatever I wanted. And damn me, she was right to care, too; if I had just gone out and done things, heedless or otherwise of the consequences, who would remind me of the immense danger when I was too blinded by my vision to care if not her? Who else cared enough to tell me straight in my face that I only had one life? Gods, I was talking and thinking like I had a thousand minds and a thousand souls to spend.


She was right to warn me not to sacrifice everything all at once, but I was right too, to some extent... sometimes everything you had was what was needed to get shit done! But doing that would hurt her, and more importantly kill me... crap, decisions, why are they always so difficult? I honestly didn't give two shits about what parts of me I'd lose, but she did because she cared for me. Roam or her? Glory and power or her? The choice... it was so fucking hard. Damn it... damn it, DAMN IT!


'You know which is the better choice, Goldwreath!' Tod barked. Then he chuckled and drawled, 'Imagine all the people that will never be born if you don't succeed. All the people that will never get the simple pleasures of being able to laugh or talk or see. All the couples that will never spring up, all the heroes that could have spawned from the Roaman people but couldn't because you were too fucking selfish.' He let out a vicious little growl. 'Let her suffer. You know that, in the long run, it's the right choice.'


Yes... it was the right choice...


'Don't listen to him, Goldwreath!' Tom grunted. 'You know you can't trust him. When has he ever wanted what was best for you or the people of Roam? He's the one trying to indoctrinate everyone he gets his dirty little claws on! He's a liar, you know this! Even if what he says is true, he'll find a way to twist you up and make sure you never succeed!' He groaned as if in pain, then huffed out, 'You... need to listen to her. Don't... throw all you have at once... it's never... a good idea.'


... but that was right too. Which one, which one? It was all a matter of what was more important. Did I care enough about her to never push myself too much so she could be with me, or did Roam matter more? Moreover, did all the people whom I could save matter more? Thousands now, billions later... all that versus one her and her love for me. Then again, what were the chances I alone could even succeed? What were the chances I alone could force the world to bend? It needed an example of change, and I could be that example, but in the end... I just had to hope they followed.


The world didn't revolve around me. The thought broke one part of my heart to miserable bits -- and worst of all was that those parts were those I had grown so used to -- but it also revived another. And this other part, it felt... strange, at the least. Like the fitting of new clothes or the usage of a new uniform, it needed getting used to.


'You know which is the right choice!' they yelled in unison.


Yes... I did. It was so perfectly clear. Roam had conquered everything, and so deserved everything completely. After all, what could have possibly been more important than the city that made the world?


The people of that city, of which Myst was one of, obviously.


I threw my hooves at her and grabbed her shoulders, then yanked her close and muffled her sobs with my chest. I couldn't do anything else as the deluge of hot tears soaked my fur, and like hell was I going to do anything to ever hurt the only mare who'd ever loved me even with all my failures and flaws. She tried to cover her face up with her hooves, but I nuzzled against her and pressed myself right up against her cheek. I couldn't help myself; tears of a bittersweet mix of relief and pain flooded to my eyes, and I did my best to keep my own sobs in as I held her closer to me as she poured her heart out.


"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay..." I stroked her mane quickly and held her close even as her cries started turning to choked coughs and retches. "Shhh, it's alright, it's alright... I'm here. I'm not dead. I'm alive, and I plan to stay that way. Don't cry, everything's alright..."


She coughed and strained her thrumming voice to speak. "Y-you're just saying that!" she retorted, then twisted around to face away from me and furiously wiped her tears. "That's what they said, too. Right before they did something stupid. They got themselves killed, okay? Now you'll get yourself killed, too. And I'll just stand by, unable to... un-unable..." Her words were cut off by a violent shudder as she fought to regain her breath. Even after she'd done that, she couldn't even continue. Instead, she just kept crying in long, guttural sobs.


Gently, I placed my hooves on her shoulders and turned her back around, even if she threw herself at me in futile resistance. I didn't mind. She needed to be cared for. Just like I did moments ago, when I'd been pulled so far as to believe that pushing myself beyond my limits was good. She'd helped bring me back from near-crazed levels of thoughts, even when my stubborn pride and self-destructive desire for improvement caused her pain. I could return the favor. I pulled her closer, holding her firmly as she rammed a hoof against me and cried noisily against my tear-soaked fur. "Shhh, quiet now... such a face shouldn't be marked by tears."


I'd made her cry, but every moment that went by the thought of her anger and pain being caused by more than just my behavior grew more certain. Everything she mumbled from in-between her retches and sobs pointed to it. And as her blows grew stronger, even still did I make sure she felt that she wasn't alone in her anger and pain, no matter what had made her feel this way. I'd felt those two emotions aplenty. I could help her bear them.


At last her blows softened and altogether stopped, and her noises quieted down to sniffs. I still didn't let up, and held her as tightly as before.


When she finally gathered herself up enough she pulled out of our embrace and looked up at me with bloodshot, puffy eyes. She couldn't meet my own for more than a moment, and she looked away shamefully. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and started turning away again.


Not for the last time, I stopped her and turned her back around. "For what?" I brushed her mane out of her eyes, caressing her cheek.


She gave a hiccup. "Goldwreath, I know you," she said, twisting the sheets in her hooves. "You love the city. The monuments, the history, its language. I saw it in you every time you froze up, like at the library and when we got here." She looked away and closed her eyes. "And I also know that you really want to make it better. I get that. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I just don't want to see you get yourself killed trying to save it. Or even worse... go crazy. I've seen it too many times to be okay with it happening anymore." She let out in a shaky exhale, "I'm sorry for making you choose."


"Between you or the city?" I asked. Slowly, she nodded.


I gave her a crooked smile and looked outside the balcony and at the city. Slowly I said, "You were right to make me choose. It got me out of my disillusioned, fanatical mindset." It had hurt, sure. Left me feeling... oddly empty, even. Hollow. Like I'd had my goal made impossible or irrelevant, leaving me without purpose. Maybe even made what was left of my ambitions a little more complicated to pursue.


But it didn't matter that it hurt because she was right. What good was a city without a people; a culture, a society? Roam was decaying, both societally and physically. To stop both forms, I had to rectify the former, not the latter. Having that truth crammed down my throat right when I was going on an impassioned rant was... unexpectedly shocking, but I was enlightened, somewhat, by having my false notions swept away. After all, since when was an enlightening truth ever learned easily?


"Oh, don't say that," she begged. "You're not crazy. The city means a lot to you, I know. And you're right, a billion lives is... is worth more than just you. I'm just saying that you shouldn't-..."


"Get myself killed trying to save them, because then I'm useless when people need me," I finished for her. I glanced over at her and gave her a thankful smile. "But that's why you were right to make me choose. See, I was more than willing to throw myself into a grinder if it meant a slight increase in chance that the world would change. And that's where I was wrong. That's where I was blinded by desire and ambition." I sighed, "I don't even have that much of a solid plan on how to change this place, and already I was talking like I'd come up with the solution. And since I don't have a plan, best to take cautious steps. And since I'm being careful, I'll not get myself killed. That's all you want, right? For me to be careful?"


She sniffed again and hugged me. "It is..." she murmured.


"Then that's all there is to it," I said simply. "Unless I come up with some ridiculously suicidal plan that has a hundred and one percent chance of success, I'll be careful. That I promise you, because you're right; what good am I if I'm dead?"


"I... still feel bad," she said quietly. "I just don't like how I had to make you choose me just to see it. I basically told you to choose between a life with me or a billion people. I... feel so selfish." She gave another hiccup.


"And that's where you're wrong," I said. "Myst, in making me choose you saved me -- and therefore whoever I may save -- from needless death and suffering. My goal isn't one that can be accomplished by mindless sacrifice, I get that now. It can only be accomplished through careful, thoughtful actions that set examples for others. And if my words aren't enough to make you feel better, there was another reason I chose you." I looked away again and into the city; the storm had lightened up significantly. There was a much larger number of blue lightning bolts, though.


"The city doesn't matter," I told her.


She reacted like I'd told her I wanted to commit suicide. "What?" she gasped. "W-what do you mean it doesn't matter? You've been fighting and nearly getting yourself killed for it!"


"The city doesn't matter," I repeated. "It's made of brick and concrete and marble. It has no emotions, no ability to love or to choose or to hate. Roam's just a place. What matters are the Roaman people, Myst. They make Roam great because they can think and act, for better or for worse. I fight to make them fight for the former. And you?" I asked as I turned back around to put her face in between my hooves. "You're one of those people. And that's why, as a protector of the people and as your special someone, it is doubly my duty to choose you over some thousand year-old monuments."


She gave a tiny smile and looked away, blushing. "Oh... well, when you put it that way." She gave me an adorably timid look with those shy eyes of hers. "So, um... you're not mad at me or anything? Not... upset that I made you choose?"


I smiled again and pulled her closer, resting my forehead against hers. "Not in the slightest. Why would I get mad at the one who made me see what's actually worth fighting for?" I thought for a moment, then added, "I'm a little worried now, though." She gave me a concerned look. "You weren't just crying because of the things I said, were you? That was also about something else, wasn't it?"


She sighed and closed her eyes. "I... don't want to talk about it. Not now." Her eyes fluttered open and gave me a pleading look. "Just not now. Please?"


My lips curled into a gentle, understanding smile. "Alright. But if you ever need to talk about it, just let me know."


She smiled in return and stroked my neck. "Thank you," she said with genuine relief, then kissed my cheek. I recoiled a bit from the act, but gave her a loving smile and rested against her again. She pressed her forehead against my own, then breathed a blissful sigh as I wrapped my limbs around her and held her close. I could feel her heart beat getting stronger, her breaths becoming warmer. And so were mine...


Suddenly my internal temperature spiked, forcing heated air out my nostrils and mouth alike. My vision became blurry and I broke away, swaying my head in burning dizziness as I sucked in cooler air to attempt to get the heat down. Then my lungs spasmed, and throat-tearing retches blew out my mouth. I fought to get myself under control. Myst recovered from her initial shock and wrapped me up in her hooves, massaging my chest from behind until the tempest passed.


When I finally calmed myself enough to not writhe in the pain, I gasped out, "Right... I'm not well yet." I hiccuped as I fought down another wave of coughs before they could happen. "Oh, this vexes me terribly..." And had ruined our calm, peaceful moment of cuddling.


"Shhh, just rest..." she whispered in my ear, turning me onto my back to more effectively massage my burning torso. She was no masseuse, but I must admit it felt damn good. She gave me a kind, caring smile as she sat down onto the bed next to me and continued rubbing my front from there. "If you need to sleep, then go to sleep; you look exhausted."


"So do you," I managed to breathe. "And besides, remember what Vesperius said? 'No sleep, bad dreams'. I don't really know if it's true, but I'll go along with it for now if it means I don't worry more people."


She frowned in contemplation as she worked her hooves in circles over my chest. "You sure?" she asked. "Don't you think that you need to really give your body a time to relax? After all you've been through?"


"After all we've been through; I'm not the only one in the group, you know," I replied. "And... much as I don't like it, yeah I'm sure." I looked her over and smiled. "At the least, I'm not going to be alone. Tonight, I believe, would have been... very different, and very different for the worse, if you weren't here." Yes, it would have. I might never have had my misguided passion for Roam rectified, for example.


She gave a conflicted half-smile, still thinking that I should sleep. Then her eyes lit up, and she gulped, the half-smile fading. "Well... I guess you're right," she said tentatively, her massaging rubs turning to soft, slow caresses that ran up the length of my chest. "After all, I wouldn't want you to be asleep..." She gave me a warm, tender smile.


I gave her a queer look. "I'm not sure what that means..." And at her blushing but otherwise calm, somewhat expectant face I asked, "Are you alright? You seem... rather... I don't know, it's a look on your face. Something I remember seeing in some old romance movies, but I forgot what that look means..."


"You really don't know?" she asked, her expression amused at my obliviousness.


I gulped anxiously, my heart thundering in my chest. "Well... no," I admitted, and she gave a soft giggle. And to that I added quickly, stopping her laughter, "Wait! That face, it means... that... you... are... very, very... happy?" I finished lamely, giving a sheepish smile.


"Are you absolutely sure?" she asked, brushing my cheek with a hoof. Then she stooped down and lay down against my chest, looking up at me.


I was absolutely confused. "Er... ye-... no-... uh... y-yo?"


Yo? YO?! I wanted to face hoof so badly. What kind of a response was 'yo'?


She stared up at me, her sad frown evidence of her disappointment. Thankfully she wasn't mad. I could feel her heart rate going down, and with it, my own. I didn't know why, but I had the distinct feeling that I'd missed something really important and obvious...


She sighed and lay down next to me, pulling the sheets over us. Despite her disappointment, she managed to give me a small, amused little smile as she snuggled against me. "Never mind." She nuzzled closer and wrapped her hooves around my neck.


"Goodnight, Goldwreath," she whispered.


"You're going to sleep?" I asked with a frown. I'd thought she'd be up with me...


As if reading my mind, she answered with a little giggle, "I... had other plans, but... your cluelessness tells me that maybe it isn't the right time."


"Right time for what?" I questioned.


She pointed over at the corner, at her things piled neatly in a bundle. "Tomorrow when you get the chance -- and I'm sure you will, because you'll be in bed resting -- you should read some books I have in there. They're books about... well, remember our time in the library?" she asked, raising her head up as a glimmer of hope ran through her. "Remember what section we were under?" She bit her lip again, her heart rate escalating as her hope grew.


I thought, but my body and mind didn't cooperate. "I'm sorry Myst, but... I'm really not in my element right now."


She sighed as her hope died, then she rested against me again. "Oh, Goldwreath..." she murmured sleepily, laying her head against my chest, "Just... nothing. Yeah, it means I'm very... very... happy..." I waited for her to maybe give a clueless stallion a little more context, but she didn't. Soon her heart rate went down, and she started giving off the quietest of snores. She was asleep.


I tossed my head aside, tapping my lips in thought. "I... I missed something. I know it. But what?"

* * * Magnus et Potens Roamanus * * *

"I give up," I groaned to myself as I wiped the sweat off my face. "Mares are hard to understand."


Two hours. Two hours of forcing myself awake and trying to think of what I didn't understand, and now I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep so badly -- hell, everyone outside was asleep; that much I could tell because all noises had died down like half an hour ago. So what was so wrong if I got a little shuteye too, nightmare or no? Really, the only ones who would have been awake at that hour were the Legionnaires.


Besides, the one thing I knew that nobody else did was that Tod had done... something... to cause me my illness. Whatever it was, I didn't care. And the fact was that, ever since my enlightening conversation with Myst earlier, he'd gone silent, just like the storm, which had been reduced to nothing more than a drizzle accompanied by the occasional lightning bolt.


So what did that mean? That Tom had kicked him out of my head? That I'd beaten him somehow? There was only one way to find out, only one way to know the extent of the damage that had been done.


I lay down and rested my head against my sleeping marefried, basking in the warmth of her soft fur. Moments like these... we all needed more. Especially me, I think. But right now my moment of peace had ended, and there was an enemy to be confronted.


I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to overcome my senses. I was scared for sure, but I had to find out what was going on in there. And as the darkness warped into view from the edges of my sight, I saw flashes of blue and green light up the shadowy depths of my mind, and I fell through distorted skies of nightmarish grey towards the bottom.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


I crashed straight into the ground right in the middle of a literal raging storm, with rainclouds of blue striking a green-tinted earth with an energized deluge of sizzling water. Thunder roared in my ears and wind smacked my face as I struggled to get up, only to be toppled over by the luminescent tail of a large green serpent writhing across the dirt, scrambling away from the burning curtain of water. My eyes widened as the tail flung itself around, nearly crashing into me. I barely managed to roll aside as the appendage flopped about, liquefying dirt with it's touch.


I hadn't even gotten up yet when a colossal, bipedal being made of blue cloud and crackling lightning flew through the wind and rain and stomped right onto the serpent. The giant reptile hissed aloud, struggling underneath the titan's heel. The blue being only raised a glowing blue sword and brought it down onto the creature again and again. The dream world shook as the serpent's cries resonated through the earth.


The storm stopped all at once when the clouds seemed to funnel down to the earth, gathering into a tiny ball of crackling energy above the blue being's head. With the rain gone and the winds dead, I managed to get onto my legs as Tom drew forth bolt after bolt of lightning from the whirling sphere, striking the wriggling snake with brilliant, electrifying fury.


Slowly did my hooves bring bring me close until I was merely yards away from the scintillating, cloudy legs of the blue being I'd come to know as Tom. Up close like this, his power was truly a sight to behold. I would have been petrified at the sight of its awesomeness if I had been normal Goldwreath, back in the Stable, with no knowledge of the things I knew now -- with no thought of beings of power or chimeras or any dreadful things, and back when life was so dull and eventless that merely having my name mentioned over the intercom was an adventure.


Tod the snake managed to spy me with those reptilian eyes of his, and before the next bolt could strike him he gave a savage squirm, toppling Tom. The serpent hissed and launched itself through the air at me. But then Tom recovered and, swinging his sword through the air, brought it down atop Tod's slimy head right as the snake was about to sink its luminescent fangs into me.


Tom pinned Tod down, pressing the serpent's head down against the blade and causing a sizzle as the sword diluted Tod's green form. "Goldwreath!" Tom said in a rush, "You shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous. Tod has done enough damage to your subconscious, now you make your conscious mind vulnerable to attack as well."


Any regular person... any normal person would've been speechless, unable to answer the likes of these powerful beings. For who would ever think of their dreams as dangerous, exotic realms? Who would think cautiously of the luxury of sleep? Not any normal person; they'd look forward to it. No, the difficult, fantastical, and ever-changing life my friends and I possessed made us into different things, not meant to view and live existence the way others did. Just like Flav had said they would be, our days were more difficult, more eventful, because we chose to make it that way in order to pursue a worthy cause. And now while that difference and determination made us more worthy for the great rewards fate had to offer, it also earned us the burning spite of those who opposed us. Like the raiders. The slavers. The chimeras. Tod.


The question bugging me now was: would my sacrificing of a normal life -- and in addition my taking up of terrible burdens -- be vindicated and rewarded, or would my efforts fall flat on the earth to be trampled on by my victorious enemies?


"I know, Tom," I answered evenly. "But you must understand this is my mind. Whatever happens in here is a concern of mine." I brought up a hoof and rubbed my forehead. "Still, just thinking of my own head as a conflicted warzone is... indicative of brewing insanity. I feel very strange."


"You're not insane nor strange," Tom grunted as he shoved Tod's serpentine head against the sizzling blue blade. "You sentient organics are meant for lives far more eventful than what most of you have. You and your friends are the vanguard of a growing breed of people who'll be more involved in the workings of the universe and of society than even you are now." Then he growled as he pressed Tod's head harder against the blade, "All that needs to be done to make sure that process goes smooth as it can is for obstacles like this thing to be removed! You're lucky I can't destroy you like this, creature."


I opened my mouth to speak, but was beaten to that intent by Tod's impish voice. "Oh, the irony," he spat, then snickered, "So, you call me that now, huh? And to think, millennia ago you called me-..."


"Shut up!" Tom snapped, yanking his counterpart up and piercing the sword right through the serpentine creature's belly. At once the form started devolving, turning instead into something with more semblance to Tom's shape. "You lost the right to be one of us long ago! Don't you dare even think of us in that way ever again!"


After that Tom went into an absolute frenzy, ripping his sword out and literally cutting up the cloudy form of Tod until he was nothing more than a pony-sized wisp of cloud in his blue hand. For a moment Tom stood there, panting heavily and tightening his grip around the comparatively small being. "There is nothing left for you there. Only our hatred." And with that, Tom slammed the green form into the ground and with a mighty stomp blasted him into oblivion.


The world seemed to brighten up a little.


After a moment of silence, staring at where Tod had been, Tom stirred and faced me. His eyes, both glowing orbs in a cloud-face of blue, seemed tired and even a little sorrowful. "So you wished to see the state of your mind?" he drawled tiredly.


I casted a glance off to the sides. "You mean this isn't my head?" I asked, looking over the flatland.


He shook his head. "Not quite. This... 'place' is a constructed realm I made. Here I forced Tod to do battle with me, while your thoughts and motivations conflicted." He seemed quite irritated as he continued, "Your ambitious, headstrong pride and self-destructive doubt fed him terrible power. I almost lost the fight."


I frowned, looking away. "Sorry about that. I wasn't in the right mind. I... I see that now. It hurts a bit, but it's good to know I'm now in the right mindset. I am, right?"


He reached up a ghostly arm to grab the crackling spherical cloud, then absorbed it into himself. "Mostly," he sighed, rubbing his foggy forehead. "At the least you are now aware of your wrong. Furthermore your current state of mind is far better than the one I had to work with for the last week, so I can't quite complain."


"Well... good to hear," I replied. "So if this is just some constructed realm in my head, could you take me to my actual head? Show me what my mind looks like if it had a form? That is why I came here, otherwise I would've followed Vesperius' advice. Still, I don't quite see the nightmares he was talking about."


"That is because I won the fight," he told me. "Had it been the other way, you could have been greeted by the harnessed manifestations of your worst fears and anxieties, far far worse than that mental simulation Predator gave you a while back."


I shivered. I remembered that simulation. Seeing my friends die right in front of me, burning... too weak to stop it, too cowardly to act. It was just plain horrible, and never again did I want to experience anything of the sort. "Thank you for winning, then," I said, gaze cast down as I poured every bit of humble sincerity I could muster. "I don't want to ever see another vision or dream like that. Ever."


He nodded. "You're welcome. Glad to see some appreciation. Now, as for your head..." He lifted an arm, and seeming to crawl from within its open fist were motes of blue wisps, which spread out with incredible speed to the very edges of the visible dream world. At once the landscape started morphing, melting into a disorienting vortex of colors.


"Well, here it is," he said simply, and for several terrifying moments it felt just like when Predator had first put me into that simulation of his. Just feeling like it sent chills down my spine; the only clear sensation I felt as my head swam, waiting for the end of it. My only comfort was the knowledge and hope that Tom wouldn't do that to me.


The sensation faded, much to my relief. I found myself standing atop a cylindrical structure, like some kind of skyscraper businesstower. The concrete was clean and the metal polished; the sunlight clear and bright in a blue sky, unobscured by the faint curtain of ever present smoke. Birds flew by, flapping multicolored feathers in the cool breeze. VTOLS and fleets of gigantic airships sailed like grey clouds through the bright sky.


I gave the sight before me a good, long, perfectly awed look, before casting a questioning glance at Tom. The cloudy form of his face seemed to shift, curling into a smile. He looked at the edge of the building, then nodded over at it. I made my way over there, greeted with the growing sight of a horizon marked with skyscrapers... and massive patches of white rooftops... and then a squadron of VTOLS flying below... and then-...


I fell hard on my haunches, something that'd hadn't happened for a long time.


It... was alive. The city, completely restored back to its former glory, such as I could never have imagined. How to even begin describing its majesty? There were streets lined with green trees. Countless zebras and the occasional pony swarmed over the vast marble ground below, busily trotting here and there. Grandiloquent, titanic statues made of bronze stood at every corner, showing off shamelessly the power and pride of Roam. Spiraling towers pierced up into the sky like glimmering blades of glass; wide, dome-roofed temples of the grandest and most inspired make jutted up from the landscape like fortresses on hills. And then there was the Forum, towering above it all. Then the Colosseum... the Circus Maximus...


"What is this?" I let out in a shudder. "Is this paradise?"


Tom chuckled. "No, though I'm certain for people like you it must be." He walked over to stand beside me as I looked at everything Roam had been, and all it could be if every wastelander within it directed their efforts to achieving... this.


"This, as requested, is your mind -- this... entire world," he said aloud, gesturing an arm at the landscape. "Everything you see here represents... something; whether it be a subconscious desire or a conscious sensation or thought. Your every new learning and every mindset actively changes this world."


"I... don't quite understand," I admitted.


"Don't attempt to," he replied. "Long have sentient minds attempted to understand themselves, whether through invasion or manipulation. It never ends well; it's a rule in the universe -- full understanding of anything is impossible. We... creations quite simply don't possess the qualities to perceive everything. Perceive more, but never all. And besides, existence would be awfully dull if one knew all; no more adventure to learn or to meet or to achieve." He crossed his cloudy arms and craned his head backwards, glancing up at the sun. "In any case, all you need to know is that this is your mind, or rather as close a resembling image as I can construct for you to perceive and interact with. This place presents to you a great opportunity to learn of yourself in ways no other could, but it also has potential dangers."


Well, that was much simpler, and indeed all I needed to know. A smile crossed my lips. "Wow," I murmured. "So this is what my head looks like. It's so... perfect." And that concerned me. It was too perfect. My mind wasn't nearly as peaceful or organized as this. I frowned and slowly cast a look up at him.


Tom seemed to sense my intent, as he sighed when I turned to look at him. "But there's more to it than this, isn't there?" I asked, and he bowed his head. "And it's bad, isn't it?"


He stood there, contemplating. Then after a moment I was wrapped in a blue sphere, and a bright flash blinded me. When the world returned to my sight, we were on the streets right below the building we'd been atop. Nobody seemed to notice my sudden appearance, but they did notice me. They gave me good smiles and greetings, like I was some kind of minor celebrity, yet somehow they were cautious and even twitchy in my presence, as they would cast glances over their backs.


I would have gladly gone off to mingle with them, but then I noticed that all the military personnel in the area was giving me the most disdainful scowls.


"Stay here," Tom said. "And wait. He will come for you. Try to remember that everything you see is a construct of your mind."

"Who will?" I looked over at a pair of praetorian guards, both giving me horrible glares. They didn't let anyone stop them as they made their way over, violently shoving out of their way all who dared step between then and me. More praetorians joined them, and any who tried to stop their approach they started beating in the streets, much to my horror. I tried to stop them, as did others, but Tom stopped me and forced me to watch as the guards started killing everyone in their path with their blades as much as their hooves. I clenched my eyes shut and looked away, trying to focus on breaking free.


"It's all a construct of your mind's conflicting dogmas and principles," he told me solemnly. "Treat none of it as real."


"Cruelty is cruelty in whatever realm or in whatever form, and must be stopped in all cases. I won't tolerate it in my own mind!" I snapped at him, trying to not hear the screams as the slaughter went on. "Now, let. Me. Go."


"But that's the problem," he replied grimly. "Your rules don't apply that much in here anymore because this isn't just your mind now."


That stopped me harder than a bullet, and distracted me such that the slaughter had ended by the time I'd gathered up the wits to ask, "What do you mean?"


He let out a tired sigh. "Goldwreath, if this were your mind alone this world would be changing faster than you could keep up with. Towers would fall and turn into golden blocks; the sky would turn into fire only to fall to the earth and become water; the earth would tremble ad then be still as a corpse." He looked down at me with pitiful, sad eyes. "But it isn't, because your head is shared now."


Again I questioned, this time in a harsher tone, "What do you mean?"


This time Tom didn't answer my question, but instead looked over the streets as if in search. More guards appeared from out of the crowd, starting to form a circle around me and tossing away the bodies of the slain as if they were trash. The people wailed from their wounds and retreated, seeming agonized at needing to abandon me. "Tom!" I hissed, darting my eyes between the guards. Suddenly his restraining arm had gone. "Tom!"


He had disappeared.


I was alone. Without context or aid. Surrounded by some very disgusted looking guards who'd killed people for reasons I didn't know. I was at a loss. Appalled by their casual cruelty. What to feel or to think or to do, I didn't know. All I knew for certain was that I wasn't as welcome here as I'd thought.


There was one among the bodies who was alive, though. A little zebra colt who was brave enough to get up and dash in between two guards and rush me, the most frantic look on his face. Just for doing that he seemed to have earned as much disdain as the guards gave me.


"Generalis, generali!" he said in a rush, tugging me to come along. I was too take aback by him calling me 'general' to move, and that made him more frantic. "Quare venisti hic? Ocius hinc opus est ut ante-"


An energy lance speared him right through the throat, and his flesh sizzled and smoked. His blood was splattered over my face, but I stared into his eyes and held onto his hoof until the spear lifted him up and tossed his corpse away. "Quid est cum omnibus rebelles?" the guard who'd speared him asked with casual indifference to what he'd done.


"D-do you realize what you people have done?" I growled, my breathing frail and shaky. "You... you just killed innocent people! For little more reason than because they were trying to stop you!"


One of them shrugged and cleaned some blood off his armor. "Meh. Rebels deserve that kind of treatment. It's not like we should just let them live. That would commission a great many more offenses."


I screwed up my face and snapped, "But they weren't 'rebels'! How could trying to stop injustice be a rebellious act?"


Another of them replied much more seriously, "Because they stood in our way and didn't believe what we believe. You of all people know this." He gave me a malicious little smile. "After all, any potential threat must be eradicated immediately, right? Isn't that what you used to believe in; what you still believe in?" He smirked and looked away. "Must've forgotten how he used to deal with rebel scum before he joined them," he murmured.


I wanted to scream. To attack. To make these... corrupted constructs suffer. To make whatever part of me who'd ever do this to innocent people die to my hooves. This wasn't me. I'd made mistakes, but to attack non-combatants with blatant disregard was completely put of the question. A great rage boiled inside of me, and I readily let it burst and guide my actions. I lost self-control and charged. And they laughed and prepared their swords and hid behind their shields, waiting to impale me.


But before any of us made contact a voice, loud and booming yet suave and charismatic, stopped us all dead. "Ah, ostendat faciem suam et tandem!" said the voice, and a large red drake blasted through the air above us before landing on the marble streets with a loud thud. It breathed fire at any lingering citizens, frying several to a crisp. I watched in horror as their burning forms wailed and galloped away. I growled, then I took a good long, hateful look at the person atop the drake.


He was an imposing figure clad in gold-engraved obsidian armor, with plumes and a cape of purple and a face masked with black iron. He must have fought much, as his coat and armor was so bloodstained it was hard to tell his true color; he was no zebra, that much I could tell from his tail. The dark glimmer in his eyes gave me the strangest chills, like I knew who he was...


The guards, seeming to think nothing of the danger I could have posed, then all turned to him and rendered the Roaman salute. "Imperator!" they all said in unison.


Just hearing that word blew all sorts of fuses in my head. I stared at the armor-clad figure with shocked disbelief. Emperor? My own mind had gone so wild as to create someone who was an emperor? Just... what the fuck. How? I didn't have any part of me that wanted to be emperor!


The emperor responded with a dismissive wave. "So," he said with a drawl, "When did the general of the rebellion become so stupid as to walk amongst Roam's citizens -- my citizens -- and not expect to be caught in the act? No disguise, no escort, no weapon... it's almost as if you were mocking my ability protect my own domain!" He laughed, and his troops joined him.


I shot them all glares. "But this is my head." I scowled. "You... things... are the ones who's invaded it. I don't even know how you people came about!"


"Say what?" one of them taunted. Then he hid behind his shield as I tossed the nearest rock I could find at him.


"I said this is my head!" I yelled, gesturing a hoof at them all. Then I looked up at the strangely attentive, almost stunned, emperor sitting so highly atop his fire-breathing drake. "All of you! You, you, you, you, and YOU are all some fucked up images conjured up by some even more fucked up part of my head!"


The notion of them being mental constructs must have caught them all as hilarious, because they all started busting their lungs in laughter. Drunkards would have made more sane people. My mouth curled up into a disgusted, disbelieving grimace. I needed an explanation; an answer to the question 'why did these things exist'. 'Conflicting dogmas' Tom said; what conflicting dogmas?


'You've left me for so short a while, yet already you act is if you had never been in my shoes,' a voice said sadly in my mind. It was the emperor's voice.


Slowly, I turned and looked up at him as the world seemed to begin melting into a mural of wet paint. His eyes were sad, lost even. The laughing praetorians, and the buildings and the corpses, receded into ghosts, and the world faded out of reality and into a black emptiness.


And then we were alone, standing opposite to each other. We didn't move, only look at each other with questions in our eyes. Questions and emotions, like two long lost brothers finally seeing eye to eye after a lifetime of separation. Who was he, I wondered. And yet, somehow, I seemed to feel like I knew him more than I knew anyone else.


Finally he sighed, "Why have you come here? Why have you chosen to taunt me with your conscious presence so soon after you've abandoned me?"


"I didn't," I replied. "I came here to see what has been happening inside my head."


"You mean our head!" he snapped, lunging forward a few steps. But then he stopped, looking at the ground in apparent shame. "You see? You've already forgotten I exist."


I shook my head. "But I don't even know what you are," I said again, softer this time and without any insult.


He let out a small, mirthless chuckle. "Easily rectified," he murmured. Then he brought up a hoof and tore something electronic off his throat, letting it drop into the void below. Then he brought his head up and removed his helmet, mask and all.


It cannot be...


"You are I," he said in my voice, looking at me with the same golden eyes I had. His fur hadn't been coated in blood, it was just him. Did I really look like I'd bathed in blood? "We are one and the same. Goldwreath is my name, as it is yours. We share the same dreams and aspirations, the same ways and means. We are one, you and I." But then he frowned, turning aside. "Or at least we were, until you abandoned our unity and left me alone and our being splintered."


"H-how is this possible?" I brought up a hoof to my forehead. "How, how?" I begged. "When did I abandon you? When did I... do any of this?"


He gave me a tiny little smile. "Earlier tonight, when you chose to relinquish yourself, you left me. You betrayed me and all the parts of you that fought and bled for your ambitions. And I say your because since then you gave up your old self -- me and all I represent -- to make way for a new one. But that is the way of the world, isn't it? You abandoned me for something you believe is better."


"But... but we're the same!" I cried out. "Why did you not... accompany me when I chose to abandon those wrong aspirations?"


My words seemed to be insulting him, as he scowled and held in tears. "Because they weren't wrong! Because you've chosen to follow the path of the weak, and I've been shown the way of the strong! And I thank the one you hate and call Tod for that! He has shown me the true way to achieve glory for Roam, and it is not in saving people! No, it is in eradicating those who stand in my way so that they never threaten and defile Roam again!" He growled and glared at me. "And you? You've left those beliefs. Roam will never rise because of you. That is why I had to take them up. Because you relinquished them. The true way to save Roam, given to us by Tod. And now you would believe me a monster, but I am only everything you are. Except better."


"Listen to me, you disillusioned imbecile! Tod is a deranged maniac, whose teachings are wrong, you understand? You can't trust him." I stomped for emphasis.


"If you tried to understand him you'd find that you can!" he shot back. "You see? YOU SEE? Even now I show you the irony of your ways. You hypocrite! You believe yourself strong but are actually weak! You've changed so drastically at the request of... of a mare! Mark my words, when the time comes you shall see that the qualities I possess that you've abandoned could have saved Roam!"


I took in his words and growled, then repeated with undaunted determination and certainty, "You can't trust him."


He too seemed to take in my words, and with similar certainty continued, "I weep for you. You and all that you've done to your half of yourself. I shan't make your mistakes."


He drew his gladius... my gladius. "I see it now, you know. The truth. The truth you can never see. And I also see that he is right. I see that you have abandoned Roam, placing instead some... some random mare and her wishes as your first priority. I see that you are unfit for the task of saving the city. You are misguided, but believe yourself in the right. You have tossed away everything that makes you strong, believing them to be weaknesses and mistakes, and have created me. And now you face me, and can only question, 'where did I go wrong?' Well, I'll tell you where you went wrong."


He scowled and picked up his helmet... and now that I gave it a good like it was actually my helmet, but refurbished. He tore away the faceplate and placed the rest of it on. "You were wrong to believe in the goodness of people. They're degenerates, all of them, with no quality and no capacity to 'do better'. That is why they must all die, and the rest forcibly indoctrinated to become civilized. Then the world can be rightfully Roam's."


I shook my head. "You're wrong," I said flatly.


We circled each other for a few moments, staring into each other's eyes with restrained pity. He didn't want to do this I could feel it. He just felt that I was so wrong in so many ways that I had to be removed... somehow. And I felt the same way about him. Would killing me in this place make him 'me', though? Would it even matter? We stopped opposite each other and stood still, both of us tense. I didn't have a weapon, how could I fight? My only hope was to wrestle the gladius from him and hope that doing... any of this... wouldn't have a profound effect on... me.


We sighed in unison. Then with a cry, he charged.


Two blue bolts of crackling lightning struck him right in the face, seeping in through his eyes to fry his insides and sending him thrashing to the floor, wailing in agony. I could have taken that chance. Attacked, pulverized him and maybe even destroy... whatever he was. But something stopped me just then. A strange mix of understanding and pity. This wasn't his fault. Whatever he was, he was just another being caught in the crossfire of conflict and forced to believe lies. He was no monster, but a confused anomaly. And as I looked down at his flailing form and into my own agonized eyes, I knew then that I couldn't in good conscience harm what was, in essence, myself.


Tom landed next to me with an ominous thud, and looked down at me with a solemn stare. "You've seen enough. Come, let us depart." He stretched out an arm down at me, "Take my hand."


The other Goldwreath crawled, his body still alight with crackling electricity. And then more bolts struck him, slamming him against the ground in a spasming fit. And as he tossed himself about, he accidentally flung his gladius right at my hooves. Casting him one pitiful glance, I stooped down to pick it up.


"No!" he spat, dragging himself across the floor and stretching out a hoof. "You've left me with nothing but the darkest corner of our mind and your most hated hated qualities. Take nothing else from me, give that back!"


So he wanted it back. Just like me, whenever someone else took it. "Here," I said lowly, taking slow deliberate steps towards him, much to Tom's visible surprise. I took his hoof into my own, and gently placed the sword within. "Take care of it, even if it is just an image. We both value it, at least." Despite everything, I gave him a smile. "After all, we're one and the same, right?"


He looked up at me with disbelief, his face wide-eyed and mouth agape, like he hadn't expected me to actually grant him his wish. But then with the sword in his hooves he gave me a victorious smile and lunged up at me, grazing my neck. I staggered back just as he got up, and with another cry he pressed forward, the gladius aimed at my heart.


It was then that Tom, in similar fashion to when he'd saved us from Tod's chimeras, appeared in a nova of blue right between us, blasting us both back. He brought out his sword and sliced the air in front of the other me, cutting a sizzling gash right across his chest, and then grabbed me. Then without a moment's delay he whisked us off into the black void above, which was now a swirling whirlpool of fantastical colors and disorienting patterns.


But as we flew up higher and higher into the air and into the vortex, my other self cried out from below us, screaming.

* * * Magnus et Potens Roamanus * * *

I sat atop the hill again, the same place I'd been on in the great moment of doubt before I'd decided to help Roam. Of course back then things were so much simpler... so much more normal. After all, what regular person would have a being of power conjure up a place of comfort after having met himself in a more disillusioned state?


I had been sitting there for what must have been hours, thinking. I was quite certain time in the real world was going on much more slowly. After all, Tom, for how much he said he cared for me, would never have spent this long here when he'd kept leaving me to watch over others.


The silence stretched on to lengths I should have gone insane with, but at last Tom said, "I suppose you need answers? I can give them, though I'm certain some would cause you some discomfort."


"I've thought," I told him, "And in thinking I've come to realize answers aren't that important. No, answers are just the front of the explanation, plain and simple. What I really need are the explanations." I turned around at last and looked at him. "Can you give me those?"


He nodded. "I've spent a month preparing for this moment," he told me, "For this is the meeting I promised you I'd tell all." He sighed and rubbed his forehead with two fingers. "I must admit, though, that I would've preferred it when I could come to you willingly instead of being forced by circumstance, but a promise is a promise. Go ahead. Ask."


Despite the craziness that had become my life, I actually managed to find some comfort in finally getting this opportunity, which I had waited for over two long weeks for. "Thank you," I said with utmost sincerity, and began my interrogation with the all-important question, "Now, what was that back there? All that... was that really... me?"


He shifted uncomfortably. "Where to even begin..." he murmured. "Well, there's only one answer. Yes, that was you. Or rather the corrupted parts of you, and those aspects of yourself that you have... tossed away." He looked away and clicked his tongue. "For you see Goldwreath, your life as it is is very difficult for many reasons, but foremost of which is the single, fundamental truth: you are indoctrinated."


That word alone sent all kinds of nasty thoughts up to my head. "What do you mean 'indoctrinated'?"


"It means what it means," he said, tapping a finger against my forehead. "You are right, Goldwreath, your life is very... extraordinary. Fate has made you its plaything. That brings with it many good things, and many bad. In this case, you have been given a mind literally split between yourself and your indoctrinated self." He withdrew his finger and sighed, shaking his head. "What you saw just now was the physical... or rather mental manifestation of your indoctrination; that being, that Goldwreath, was everything your subconscious un-indoctrinated self segregated away. And why did those parts of you get segregated? Because they are no longer compatible with the newly acquired, accepted doctrines you've taken up."


I brought a hoof across my face, trying to digest all this... highly... confusing information. "I don't understand," I groaned. "None of this makes sense."


"Yes, I can understand that for you it may be difficult to understand. All you mortals tend to have difficulty with matters not dealt with on a day-to-day basis. But let me put it in a another way you may understand." He stood up to his full height, and with an upraised arm summoned before me a grand host; thousands of ancient Roaman legionnaires, all lined up in formation at the base of the hill. But among them were mixed barbarian warriors -- mercenaries, I think.


"Imagine this army is your head," he told me, "And the Legionnaires there are the readily accepted, typical things you think of and turn to in times of distress. Those are not taboo thoughts, so you can find comfort and familiarity with them." Then with a gesture of his arm he separated the barbarian mercenaries from the Legion.


"Now these barbarians here are another tale. They are unconventional and frightening, not acting the same way or thinking in like manner to the Roamans. They are the parts of your head that Tod used; your greed, your jealousy, self-doubt, self-loathing, suspicion -- all the bad, weak things that all people possess that he could easily twist. They are the parts he took and used to poison your mind until he eventually came to have such control as to directly influence your actions, but not so far as to outright control them." And just to make his point clearer, he then had the two opposing armies charge each other. Like waves of flesh and steel they ground into each other's lines like swarming enemy ants, slaughtering and killing en masse. "The reason why he has managed to use them to gain such a foothold is because he has managed to give their ways of reasoning some credibility, some truth."


"But what of the other me?" I asked in a rush. "If he is indeed the manifestation of all of my corrupted self, how did he gain sentience?"


"You have Tod to thank for that as well," he scoffed. "You see Goldwreath, you are a very... polarized person. At times you give mercy, yet at times you deliberately kill when it isn't quite necessary. At times you try to understand, at times you neglect. Your differentiating dogmas can't quite coexist in relative harmony like those of so many others, and so you pose quite the obstacle for Tod. He can't mix into you like water in sand; you've managed to resist him to the point that he's grown desperate, stupid enough to attack when I had so recently destroyed his largest chimera force and essence hub. So since he couldn't outright take you, he did the next best thing: he took the few parts of you he controlled, and he gave it a mind of it's own. And he made that part believe in him, and not in you; he made it loathe you, feeling like you'd abandoned the right path when in fact you hadn't."


I turned and looked away, looking at the ground and licking my lower lip as I took that in. "So I have a sentient entity made of all my bad qualities roaming around inside my head, actively trying to take control of me. Great..." I groaned, then sat down on my haunches. "Fucking... great..."


He sat down with me as well, patting my back amiably. "I understand this is all a lot to take in-..."

"No fucking shit," I interrupted.


"... but let us take comfort in the things we can take comfort in," he continued.


I sighed and looked up at him. "Oh yeah? And what things are those?"


He smiled down at me. "Victory, for one thing." He gestured out over the army, and at once the Legion started gaining more cohesion, forming a solid line of shields. "And an unconventional one at that. You see Goldwreath, when you relinquished your pride and ambition earlier tonight at the request of Myst, you actively rejected many of the corrupted thoughts fluttering about inside your head. That single occurrence, that one moment of caring emotion, has won you more mental liberty than a whole month of struggling. Now that you have rejected those vanities of yours, and now that you know they are weaknesses in this mental war, Tod will be all the more hard-pressed to find a way to get at you save exhausting direct attacks."


"That's great and all, but that also kind of picks wide-open a still-fresh wound," I said sullenly. "I don't like having abandoned my ambition, Tom. I wanted it so badly, and, I admit, all the power and glory that could have come with it. Sure I still get to pursue it, but... just not in the way that'll get to goal fastest."


He nodded in understanding. "And I get that, but think of it this way." He gestured over the Legion again. "You see Goldwreath, Roamans were very self-centered in many ways, especially when it came to status and popularity. Such is the same with you. Sometimes you think like a politician; thinking of others as threats and detriments to your goal. The trick is to think not like that, but like the soldier." He conjured before me a Roaman zebra Legionnaire, standing tall on his hindlegs and looking straight into the air with stern determination. "Soldiers don't fight primarily for glory, they merely follow orders. They have dreams, but more often than not they aren't nearly as grand as those politicians and commanders would have. They're simple people with simple desires most of the time, and often want nothing more than the safety of their homes, and often just think of money or power as bonuses, not primary incentives to service."


"Huh," I mused. "That actually makes sense. Most of it, anyway."


"I'm glad you see it, then," he replied. "So do you think you'll be able to do that? Set pursuits of power and prestige aside, and accept them only when the situation hands them to you?"


It took me a lot to get it out. Like there was some obstruction in my throat. But then I found that I was simply hesitant, and didn't want to. "I'll do my best. That's all I can give," I said flatly.

He cocked his head sideways, then sighed and glanced over the battle again. "Very well. No one can give more than what they can. All I ask is that you be careful, you understand? Care-ful. Any emotion and intuition in your head can be very dangerous, and whether it is natural or corrupted, I cannot always say."


"I'll do my best," I replied, gaining the same cocked head and sigh. We sat there for the next few minutes, watching as the battle raged on for eventual victory to the Roamans. My mood was muddled up with all kinds of emotions, but I did find some comfort in their raging victory cries. More comfort than I thought I could find, actually.


"So what are you exactly? What are you to possess all this power and knowledge?" I asked at last. It was the second major point I had lined up for my interrogation. "If there's any time for me to find out, it's now. You promised, you know."


He stretched forward an arm and rubbed it along the back of his head. "Well, I've prepared to answer this for two weeks now. I guess I knew this was coming. What do you want, the straight answer or the longer answer?"


I gave him a strange look. "The... short answer, if it means I get it right away."


He nodded. "Alright then. So comes the moment." He took in a bracing breath, and with finality said, "Now, different cultures know me by different names. The majority of the tribal zebras call me by the collective name 'the Stars'. Many peoples during the war alluded to me and my kind every time they said 'alien'. The Roaman culture, however, calls me differently. To them, I am Jupiter god of the skies. I am also Neptune, ruler of the vast oceans; and they also call me Hades, ruler of the dead . I am, to put it short, the gods and goddesses of Roam."


Well... damn.


I don't know why, but I was strangely calm. Maybe if I'd learned this the first time I'd met him it would have made me hyperventilate in shock, but after everything I'd seen and felt and gone through... honestly, knowing that my guardian was a nigh-omnipotent alien with nigh-omnipotent alien enemies kind of made everything make a little more sense.


My calmness was such that it got Tom concerned. "Are you alright?"


"Oh yes, I'm perfectly fine. I happen to like the prospect of having gods who are also aliens in my life and in my head." I groaned and covered my face. "You know, when I woke up earlier, I'd hoped for a slow-paced day where I could rest and talk with my friends like any normal person would. Now I'm sick, literally fought myself, found out what you are, and -- fuck it my life is screwed up beyond all repair, there's no point in trying to circumvent that." I shook my head and leaned tiredly against a nearby boulder.


He gave me a sympathetic look and scooted a little closer. "To be honest, though, I'd assumed you had already figured out what I was. Haven't my allusions to the gods been enough?"


I scoffed. "I guess my mind's slower than I'd thought it had gotten." I groaned again and looked over at him. "What allusions, though?"


"Well, for one thing my use of lightning. For another, the time I told you you were saying things in my name. Also what Vesperius said; that the gods were watching over you."


"I don't believe in omnipotent deities. Still don't. You're not actually 'gods', are you? Gods as in, 'we control the entire universe' kind of crap. Do you actually control all of the universe or something?"


He shook his head. "No. And I don't intend to explain exactly how that works right now. That is an explanation for another time."


"Well, there you go. No such thing as gods, only powerful beings. They're different. So excuse me if I didn't catch on you being 'the gods'."


"Alright." He drew back in a gesture of submission. "I can see that you'll need some time to get over all that you've learned tonight. I can imagine that anyone in your shoes would need a good, long, relaxing rest to cope with this kind of stress."


"Oh please," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "How could I possibly find some sanity and normalcy in my life at this point? How could I live 'normally' anymore when I now know that aliens and what ancient people called gods actually exist? How could I possibly spend another day not bothered by... by all this shit?" I threw my hooves aside in my exasperation.


"Well then," he said, finally getting up and stretching. His blue form flashed and rippled, and suddenly he looked like an extraordinarily tall zebra wearing a long white toga, and in his hooves he held a bolt of blue lightning. "If you really feel that way, it's all the more reason to try to find some relaxation. Trust me when I say it'll really help you, however ridiculous you feel your life has become. That's all I can say to you after all I've already said. Now, as for me..." He looked over at the horizon and lifted his blue bolt into the air. "... I must depart. There are other prayers to answer and sacrifices to tend to aside from those meant for you. Many, in fact; the Roaman people still have faith in their gods, despite the apocalypse. Remarkably logical and industrious spiritual people."


Before he went, though, he turned to face me. "You should wake up before I leave, though. It's significantly more exerting on my part trying to leave a mind when there's a dream barrier to break through than if there were none at all. Sounds strange to you, I know, but believe me when I say that I'll need all my energy when I try to make the people feel like there's still someone above them that takes care of them."


I sighed and lay back against the rock. Then I got up. "Fine, how do I do that?"


"It should come naturally," he told me, and I gave him a questioning look. "It's already six AM."

I gave him a quizzical look, then rolled my eyes. "Right, so I guess you'd know when I wake up too. Tell me, is there anything you don't know, considering that-..." And then suddenly I collapsed onto my back, watching in immobile paralysis as the world melted, gathering up into a whirlpool that funneled down onto my forehead and entered my skull.

Bur right before I entered the physical world again, Tom stooped down and said softly in my ear, "You should improve on your social skills, by the way. You missed quite the opportunity last night."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Considering what had happened in my head while I was out, it really didn't come as a surprise that I had a headache. Then again I'd had headaches with such frequency the last month that I'd gotten used to them.


'Relax', Tom had said. It was a lot more complicated than just doing that. All my problems, all my concerns and troubling knowledge all just piled up together to form one big, dark, ominous cloud of worry that just wouldn't go away. And I had no one to freely share it all with, not even Tom, no matter how well he knew my head. How could I ever relax anymore, anyway? How could I ever look at anything and just see it as... just that. 'It's just a statue' of Jupiter. No, it has Tom carved all over it. 'It's just a normal zebra with scaly patches of fur'. No, it could be a fucking chimera. 'Oh, it's just Predator trying to save lives and make my day easier'. Oh wait, no, he fucking killed them all!


I tensed and slammed my head back against the pillow, groaning. There was no chance this relaxing business could possibly work, no chance it could even start, no chance I could even approach my friends about-...


"Goldwreath?" Myst murmured sleepily, pressing up softly against my neck and rubbing a hoof across my chest. "Something wrong?"


Well... on the one hoof, Myst's fur was of just the perfect softness to make me feel like I was having my flesh massaged by thousands of expert masseuses. And on the other, it's not like I didn't want to not relax, I just couldn't see how I could ever feel normal or good again after all I'd gone through.


Just then she shifted, climbing onto my chest and looking at me quizzically. "Goldwreath? You look... troubled. Are you feeling okay?" She placed a hoof to my neck. I was about to respond with a 'no' -- even if I wasn't quite ready to give an explanation as to why -- when she suddenly piped out, "Hey! You're not sick anymore! Oh, this is just wonderful, I was so worried about you!"


She took me into a tight, warm hug, squeaking in glee all the while. I decided to just go along with it and took her in. But honestly, I just couldn't keep the hug false when I was having such soft, heavenly fur rubbing against my own. So I just sucked it up and embraced her, basking on her touch.


She pulled away, giving me a beaming grin. "Oh, this is great! I-I have so much I want to do with you that I couldn't because you were sick but no you're not so I can and now that I can I-..." She stopped mid-rant and gasped. "The books! Oh yes, the books that I really think you should read because I think you'll like them not only because they're about stuff I think you'll like but also because they have stuff that I'll like too so we can both like it and read together and-..."


"Okay, you need to gather up a little breath before you suffocate," I interrupted, grabbing her shoulders and giving her a reasonable smile. "And don't make too much noise. The others might still be asleep, you know."


She was trembling with anticipation and the remaining ecstasy of her gleeful surge, but steadily relaxed until her smile wasn't as wide as Doodle's. "You're right, you're right. Eheh, I got a little carried away there."


"Yeah, you did." I brushed the mane out of her eyes. "You were like a little ball of ecstatic energy back there."


She gave a cute little giggle. "Well, I was just really excited. I like reading, you know. I didn't get a lot of time to do it while we were out there, so I thought maybe I could do it now." She gave a shy smile and added, "And maybe I could do it with you."


It was six AM. No one was awake. I always woke up at that time, and when I did I'd either train or... well, read. So I supposed reading with her wasn't such a drastic change from my usual morning routine. Not like I'd exercise anyway, I'd just recovered from one hell of a fever. I gave her a sincere smile and said, "Well then, grab your books. I'm available the whole day."


She nearly jumped straight out of the bed at those words. Actually she did, but not before giving me a quick thank you and a hug. She came back with an extraordinarily thick book in mouth and jumped onto the bed, ducking under the sheets and emerging right in front of my face. She placed the book onto my chest and shot me an excited grin.


"Cute," I chuckled, smiling and shaking my head. I grabbed the book and opened it on the first page while she pressed right against me, looking at the text. "What book is this, anyway?" I asked her.


She let out a carefree sigh, then responded in a relaxed tone, "Something called 'A Night In The City of Roamance'. The author made a terrible pun there, but I think it's good. You'll like it you know; it's about how a mare and a stallion found each other through mutual interest in all things Roaman, and through obstacles great and small managed to come together."


Well, the idea was pretty used up. But hey, if she thought we'd both like it, then we'd both like it. And I did, just after reading the first few pages. The author just had this way of saying things in the most optimistic light such that just saying the character got off the bed sounded like he was having a party.


I was surprised to find that I'd read almost the whole first chapter in just under an hour. Myst just listened all the while, giggling when I said a word wrong and telling me which words she liked the sound of. "Isn't this just relaxing?" she asked me.


I didn't respond for a good long moment as I thought it over. Was it relaxing? Definitely. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely. Did I like making her feel good? No doubt about it. Most importantly: did it do us both good? Hell yes.


I smiled and lay my head against hers. "More relaxing than you could imagine," I told her sincerely, then added quietly, "And more important than you know."


Alright. Maybe my life wasn't that bad just yet.








Footnote: Level Up
New perk gained: It's My Mind, Level Two -- He almost got you there, but he didn't. For your enormous efforts at resisting Tod's corruption, you gain another Mental Resistance point.

Detrimental perk gained: Not In The Right Mind -- Well, you put a whole new meaning to having a split personality. Other Goldwreath, who manifests all kinds of bad things about you, will attempt to take over you from time to time. When this happens, you get -1 to all SPECIAL attributes, -10 to all skills, and -1 to your MR attribute.

Follower perk gained: Soul Talk -- Myst knows what to say to get someone to think. When she is with you, she can automatically persuade various characters to act for your benefit.