I contribute to the abomination machine that is My Little Pony fan fiction.
After an aerial accident during the end of the Summer Sun Celebration years after Rainbow Dash perfected the Sonic Rainboom, something goes wrong. She now finds herself experiencing the journey through the afterlife told through a written account by Rainbow Dash herself. What will become of the Element of Loyalty?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is quite a beautiful piece you've written here.
You've got two thumbs up from me.
Also... Poor Pinkie!
This made me cry! It was such a great story! Amazing!
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Thank you very much for the sincere compliments, I'm glad I can make people cry from my writing, (and hopefully feel better in the long run). Your compliments build up my esteem up to write more, so I thank you for commenting on my story with such sweet comments.
why does chapter 2 say 0 words?
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Cause it's just a picture
653779 oh ok. lolz.
awesome job. tracking and faved! keep up the good work!
Beautiful.
Please update. I cannot wait for an update. Please update. I'm begging you. I will make fluttershy cry if you do- Oh I see. Threatening gets people no where. Anyway take this to profess my love for this story and my sorrow for its temporary end.
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I don't care what you do to Fluttershy, she's my least favorite pony. This is suppose to be a one-shot fic for me. More of experimenting and practicing first person narrative than anything really. How would I update this exactly, where else would I take this story? Rainbow Dash is dead, she can't come back to life. But... I have thought of once writing a sequel to this, but it seems highly unnecessary. Well I thank you for nice comment, it was really thoughtful and something different than, "this made me cry, good job". So again, thanks
ALRIGHTY MATE. This is going to be short and personal, the technical errors are too minor and numerous for me to detail them.
So the best way I can describe this fic is with a nice little beverage analogy. You see, I enjoy boozing from time to time. Nothing like a shot of straight vodka (it's actually terrible, but hopefully you understand). The sad part of your story is vodka. Harsh and effective, moving. But that's not all that's in your story. It's also ridiculous. Ridiculous, silly, fruity. Like hot chocolate or a latté, things that I also enjoy. But what you've gone and done is mixed them together. And the end result is something that really doesn't do the purpose of either drink. It's not strong/tragic enough to get me drunk/sad. And the sweet and happy part is tainted in such a way that it's hard to enjoy too.
Now, that sounds really negative (I know I'd NEVER want to drink a vodka chocolate). However you're doing a lot of things right. For example, I'm perfectly okay with your portrayal of Rainbow Dash, her characterisation in this piece is just fine. This fic is also filled with little pieces of unassuming comedic gold. Like this:
Not sure if the rhyme was intentional, but it's brilliant either way.
So I'm seeing some potential, in either comedy or tragedy (I was definitely feeling it for Pinkie when Dash died. Then you had to go and ruin it with Dash's apparent apathy). Aside from the tech errors and weird formatting (sometimes your dialogue is arranged like this:
), there's nothing wrong with this story. I giggled, and I frowned. I just feel like the way you've juxtaposed two completely different messages and objectives comes out as a messy, forced jigsaw as opposed to a well blended... thing.
Seriously though, get an editor or proofreader. There are tons of able and willing folks on this site that will help you make your story error-free.
Overall, this is at around a 6.5 for me, but that could easily be brought up to a seven or eight with some good editing. Keep writing, as always - you'll get better, 94.75% guarantee.
-ReasonandRhyme
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Thanks for the review. This was one of my first one shot fics so thanks for beating me lightly on all the mistakes I made
Really clever story, loved the paths to heaven bit, suits the element of loyalty to stay loyal even beyond the end
Amazing truly amazing. I love this story fav and liking thanks for the big smiles.
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No problem
Awesome work dude. You did a good job making this story. *Talks to the orcs behind him* Give him a Ten out of Ten!
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Thanks Azog! By the way, you were pretty bad ass in The Battle of Five Armies.
5710228 Thx! XD
That was pretty good yo. Only prob I really had with it was Dash being happy. Dying and leaving your entire world and those you love behind doesn't sound like something to be happy about.
But eh. Everyone handles death differently.