• Member Since 24th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 6th, 2015

korisfa


There is very little of interest about me.

E

Rainbow Dash has a sudden realisation concerning her friendship with Twilight Sparkle and she races through the streets of Ponyville in order to find her; what could it be that has caused the fearless pegasus such consternation, and how will Twilight react to the news?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 65 )

This should be canon. I don't think I need to say more.

This was sooo cute. Rainbow can be so adorable sometimes. One little thing though. I doubt Sweetie Drops told anyone other than Lyra about her secret identity, meaning that everyone else (including Twilight) would still know her as Bon Bon.

6337921

Thank you so much! :heart:

6337987

Mm. I can see your point, but I think that, either way, it would've caused a problem for someone. :rainbowlaugh: Rainbow Dash's softer side - crying for Tank, etc - is something that I love and I wish that we'd see more of it in the show.

A nice premise and a good idea for a fic, but damn clumsy with a lot of beginner mistakes. It's sadly clear the author is still just starting out, and the whole thing felt rushed and stopped before it got good. Not hopeless in any way, but could be a lot better too.

I upvoted because I found it sweet, but that might just be because I happened upon it in a bad mood and it cheered me up some.

“That's kind of personal, Rainbow Dash.” If she had been feeling confused before, the alicorn was now lost somewhere in the misty mires of outright befuddlement. Hang on, she isn't … oh, Celestia, she is, isn't she? It would explain the awkward behaviour around me today, anyway. “Look, I'm flattered, but ...”
“What? No, I wasn't asking you out or anything!” Rainbow Dash's cheeks flared bright red when she realised how she must have been coming across to Twilight. “No offence to you, Princess, but you aren't my type.”

Okay, that has the biggest subversion of fanfic land, in the history of fanfic land. I mean seriously, I took one look at that premise and thought 'hey, they forgot to add the romance tag'. A fanfic where RD is actually straight, a shocker. (Personally I think it's inane that she'd swing that way just cause she's a tom boy and the color of her hair.)

And you DIDN'T have RD apologize for the wedding incident when saying they aren't good at being friends! TWO SUBVERSIONS of the law of fanfic land! Nor have Twilight apologize for Mare Do Well.

I think I like you.

6341330

Actually, I've been writing for a long time; this was something I wrote in an hour or so to clear some of the mental fuzz I've been suffering from for the past few weeks, and it's pretty much turned out exactly how I envisaged it. If you feel that there are mistakes, I would appreciate you listing them rather than just saying that they exist. The end of the letter pretty much is a capsule summary of what I was aiming for: small and silly.

While I appreciate the upvote, I'd rather you didn't do it out of some misguided sense of pity or sympathy.

6341490
6341505

Bwahahaha! I'm glad someone noticed that! I set out the whole thing to make it look like (to the reader) Rainbow Dash was about to confess her feelings for Twilight, then swept the rug out from under you! :ajsmug: I didn't even think about the wedding to be honest, though that idea has been done pretty much to death so I'm glad that it didn't occur to me.

Obviously, an episode of the show with the Mane Six just hanging out would be pretty boring for an action/adventure/comedy show, but I thought it'd make an interesting premise for a story.

6342346 Like I said, I upvoted this fic because it made me feel nice. Believe me, that's quite a compliment.

From a technical point of view, I have no critique. You have a good grasp of grammar and the text was nice and clean to read.

The "beginner" problems I mentioned are more from the stylistic side. For example, you use "purple pony princess" allegories, as in referring to your characters by their coat colour or race, not their name. It's not wrong to call characters by their names and it's not repetition.

Other problem would be pacing. Your scene transitions are a bit jarring and sudden. The scene with RD and Twily in the hayburger joint felt like it finished halfway, from a good conversation that screamed "continue me" into... a laughter fade-out. Like I said, I felt this story had a lot more to give, but now we got the Cliff Notes -version.

Your fic is above at least 99.9% of the fics on this site. That's why I hope you keep honing your skills and keep improving. I suggest you check out some style manuals. I think there are some good blogs on this site pertaining specifically to writing stuff about ponies and how to use more general stylistic tools in them.

Happy writings!

6342530

It isn't wrong to call them by descriptive terms either just to break up a constant flow of Rainbow Dashes and Twilight Sparkles. The rule, as I understand it, is to stick to one and go with it, and not to try and find increasingly ludicrous terms to pin to them (azure athlete, lavender Element of Magic, etc). Blue pegasus was used as a description and from then on she is either called Rainbow Dash or the pegasus, and once, from Twilight's PoV, she's referred to as her friend. Pretty sure that isn't excessive or ridiculous.

The hayburger scene was supposed to feel like that; like I said, I wasn't going for anything grand or meaningful, but a simple, small and silly scene between two friends. You know, the pony equivalent to when your friend makes a funny face at you and you laugh for no good reason.

This was beautiful. You really captured the show's essence, far more than many on this site with far more views and likes.


6337921
Agreed.

6342560

Thank you. That kind of praise means far more to me than you'll ever know. :twilightsheepish:

While the pacing felt a little whiplashy (The burger scene feels so short) I really enjoyed this one.

6342859

So I've been told. :rainbowlaugh: But it was as I intended; I wanted it to feel small and silly, like a genuine moment between two friends, and not some big thing with loads of meaning and angst dolloped on. :derpytongue2:

So cute.

I could see this as an episode.

6341490

I know, right? At first, I was like "Here we go again, more short sweet Twidash fics...", but I was pleasantly surprised by what the story was actually saying!

6350339

Thanks. :heart: I'm glad my attempt at misdirection worked.

6350339

I agree. This actually address some fridge logic in the show WITHOUT tearing it a new one as a LOT of fanfic seem way too eager too (I'll admit I've fallen into that trap sometimes myself).

This was really good! Sure, it felt a bit rushed, and I'm somewhat certain AJ wouldn't say "Princess Twilight" in such a casual situation, but good work. Have a cookie.
Except I can't send cookie's via the medium of fimfic messaging.
...
Well now I just feel bad about offering.

6351631

Yeah, I did think about the Princess Twilight line for a bit; for some reason, I just thought it had a better rhythm to it than her just saying Twilight. :derpytongue2: :derpytongue2:

I want cookies now. :fluttershysad:

Thumbs up for no shipping.

6356401

:rainbowlaugh:

Nothing wrong with a bit of 'shipping now and then.

AWWWW!!!

This is such a sweet and adorable fic. You did a really good job with Twi's and Rainbow's interaction with each other and it is now going into my faves.

6360593

Thank you so much. They're my personal favourite characters, so I'm glad you feel I did justice to them. :heart:

6360624 you did their chacaters great justice. There is only one thing that could make this story just a little better. Extend the conversation between dash and Twi at the restaurant. The feels I got from reading that bit were so good I didn't want them to stop. :twilightsmile:

6360635

Better that it leaving you wanting more than going on too long and outstaying its welcome, though. :twilightsmile:

6360845
True
But.....
GIVE ME MORE FLUFFY FEELS!!!!!:twilightangry2:

6360854

:raritydespair:

Next time, I promise. :twilightsmile:

6360872
:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

Can't wait....
In the meantime haz a follow. Just because

6360878

Woo-hoo! More stalkers for my collection!

Dawww!

Can anypony else see this as an episode plot?

D48
D48 #33 · Aug 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

That was very well done. You said everything you needed to and nothing that you didn't for what you were trying to convey, and while you certainly could have extended it into just about anything else, there was really no need to do so. You also did a great job with Rainbow's character which is always nice to see because she gets screwed over a lot by writers who ignore huge parts of her personality in favor of one element (even the show is starting to do this :facehoof:) and Twilight was good as well.

Really my only little issue was AJ's comment about clipping Rainbow's wings because that is probably the cruelest thing you could possibly do to her short of actual torture. It is not a huge deal because Rainbow was not there to hear it and AJ was clearly speaking out of frustration, but it still felt a little extreme for AJ to even think of doing that.

Still, the story was great and I am a big fan of Rainbow so you get a follow from me so I get notifications about future stories where Rainbow is well written.

How is this not featured?

6366267

You know what? You're right. I've just realised that it's pretty much the equivalent to saying, "I hope someone severs your Achilles tendon," to a track runner or something. Yes, AJ is frustrated by Rainbow Dash's errant voyage into Ponyville, but I don't think that excuses such vulgarity. It's one of those things that I clearly jotted down during the planning phase and meant to replace with something a bit more friendly-sounding.

Thank you for your comment. I'm glad you liked the story otherwise; as I've been saying to the others, I just wanted it to be about what it is with no extraneous details.

6366934

Hehe. Yeah, I'm a bad person. :facehoof:

6366960

Most thought it was gonna be Twi/Dash 'shipping.

6367264

You need to get about thirty upvotes and a few comments while it's still on the frontpage (or thereabouts). Possibly, it might've happened a few days ago had I not got those three downvotes in quick succession, but them's the breaks. :twilightsheepish:

6367295 That sucks. This needs to be featured

6367303

I don't mind. The people who've commented have enjoyed it, and that's enough for me. :twilightsmile:

6367304 That's a good attitude

6367307

I'm totally lying. I want this sucker featured now! :flutterrage: Joke. :rainbowwild:

6367370

Well, while I agree in principle, it is also just a matter of convenience: 99% of the cast of MLP: FiM are female, so a propensity toward lesbian relationships is to be expected. If Dashie is a lesbian because it suits the story that's one thing, but if you literally just think that she is because of her hair/personality, THEN you're an idiot. :rainbowlaugh:

6368305

I wouldn't say it's down to laziness, but practicality; the show doesn't give us any information either way about the characters' sexuality, save Twilight's crush on Flash Sentry, Rarity's on Trenderhoof, and Spike's on Rarity. It's unlikely we'll ever get anything more than that (which is fine, it's a kids' show, after all).

6368311

Yes, it is. Drawn by this guy.

6368305 I mark her at being at least bi if not fully into mares becouse of the wingboner moments directed at Pinkie Pie and Twilight when they are revealed in certain outfits or other little hinty things.

D48
D48 #44 · Aug 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

6367295 I'm glad to hear that. It is annoyingly common for people to refuse to admit to their mistakes which is absurd because absolutely everyone does stupid things from time to time.

6368671 The other piece of that is that what few male characters there are get basically no character development. The only guys I can think of that really do are Spike and Big Mac along with a bit of development for Shiny who is firmly off the market thanks to Cadence. Even fandom does not really help much here because most of the notable background ponies are female so it is really not surprising the bulk of the ships are with the established females. OCs are notoriously hit or miss in fanfiction so people tend to shy away from shipping them unless they are very confident in their writing, and the undeveloped background ponies are really no different. That said, it is interesting to note that you almost never see Rainbow shipped with a female OC or crossover character so it is clear that there is a general awareness of this issue in the fanbase.

6368841 Frankly, it is basically a given that Rainbow is not interested in a relationship at this point in her life. Getting into the Wonderbolts is the kind of goal that requires her to give everything she has to even have a chance of succeeding which means there is no way she can afford to deal with romance until she gets in or gives up. She just cannot afford the time and stress of a relationship, and that is without considering the effect a breakup will have on her. Frankly even the time she spends with her friends is a bit risky for her goals in spite of the need for stress relief, although she does clearly work to make up for it with things like her physical competitions with AJ and the fact that she is frequently in the air working her wings when she is hanging out with them. This is actually a big part of why Soarin works as a partner because he is one of the very few ponies that will not slow her training down much if they were to date and his position as a Wonderbolt would be a huge help for getting her in which more than makes up for the costs. None of this says a relationship is impossible, but she is fully aware of this and will take it into consideration before agreeing to a relationship.

6368972

People think it makes them weak if they have to say that they're wrong. I blame school for this 'cause they have to coerce kids into giving apologies to other kids, and they hate that. Admitting that you're wrong is one of the strongest things you can do, especially if you use the mistake as a positive learning experience.

And you're quite right about the situation, too. As with real life, all the good guys are taken or undeveloped. :trollestia:

D48
D48 #46 · Aug 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

6368984 Yeah, I know exactly what you mean and could go on quite the rant about how much of a mess our school system is, but this really isn't the place for that.

And you're quite right about the situation, too. As with real life, all the good guys are taken or undeveloped. :trollestia:

That or busy with other things.

6369027

Please, rant away if you want to. :twilightsmile:

D48
D48 #48 · Aug 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

6369036 Nah, I don't feel like writing a book right now. And I'm not kidding, there are enough problems that going through all of them would actually fill a book. I actually have a friend who is thinking of doing exactly that.

6369067

I'd love to read it. The systemic failures of education are of interest to me 'cause I feel like school did nothing for me except give me a building to go to that wasn't home. :derpytongue2:

D48
D48 #50 · Aug 28th, 2015 · · 1 ·

6369071 Well, the book is quite a ways off and I'm honestly not certain if it will happen or not. I know he understands the situation and has done a lot of research into studies and other systems, but I do not know if anything has actually been written yet. Writing a real academic book like that is a major undertaking, especially for someone that has not done so before, so there is no way it will be done any time soon. There is also the question of publishing because I get the feeling that a lot of the publishers of academic works will be reluctant to take a risk on a nobody with a book about how fucked up their primary clientele is.

As for school, it is actually worse than that. Outside a handful of small programs, the American school system is actively harmful to students. It is built to crush creativity, problem solving, and independent thought which are all increasingly critical because machines are better than people for the simple, repetitive tasks of the assembly line workers the school system was designed to create. Here are a few links to get you started on learning more:

http://www.trueactivist.com/this-is-how-education-kills-creativity/

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/01/opinion/sunday/make-school-a-democracy.html?action=click&contentCollection=U.S.&module=MostEmailed&version=Full&region=Marginalia&src=me&pgtype=article&_r=1

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