- Member Since 17th May, 2012
- offline last seen May 8th, 2013
crystalia
i am a pagasister and not afraid to show it.
crystalia
Joined 17th May, 2012 ·
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One. This needs a mature tag.
And two.
[youtube=mayCvk2P4f0]
I'm sorry, but this wasn't really that good to me. Multiple grammatical errors, wrong use of punctuation at times, and a very short chapter really hurt the concept of this. (Chapter Rating: 4/10)
Heard of the shift button?
661373 RE: 2. Good way or bad way?
Stories with chapters that are less than 300 words usually aren't very good. This one is not an exception.
Come to think of it, there aren't any exceptions.
You need to work on grammar, punctuation, and... idk what else to say.
Wow, basically went through this story, and went "Is this really even a story at all?" I'm sorry if I'm being too critical, but this was really bad You have a lot of improvement to do later in the future. Fix your capitalization, spelling, and punctuation. Also, make the chapters longer, make it a full story. This was way too short to explain anything of what was going on. And finally, this needed a mature rating. It felt a bit too gory for just the teen standard. Hope you notice of these mistakes, and you can have some good potential in the future. (Story Rating: 1/10)
No capitalization in description and terrible-sounding summary = I don't even look at it..
Sorry, bro. There's other places to hone your skills - I'd recommend deviantART, since they overlook things like this often, usually with only the good souls coming through and passing a few criticizing pieces once in a great while. I don't think a highly-criticizing place like FIMFiction is right for you yet, my boy.
I cant.....
I just cant be cynical.
Its like picking on a kid in a wheelchair.
More like a retarded kid in a wheelchair.....
Just start over, its not worth it, or better yet do another (better) one.
Now so you can feel better take an indifferent luna: "IMAGE CENSORED BY PCCP"
Edit: After some thought, i believe you dont deserve my luna, and contacted the proper ponies for the situation, please have a terrible day!
*sigh*
Wonderful... a overly redone version of Cupcakes.
Except this one is much less legible. If this was trolling, consider it a success and never do it again. If this was a serious writing... well, I highly suggest you evaluate how to use the English language and grammar properly. Capitalization, and spelling are two rather major issues you need to fix.
Now, on any other day, my rating would be this: '0/10'.
However, I promised myself today not to be an ass. So, since you had a very small amount of 'original' filling, you get a 'F+' for effort. (1/10)
-Dumbgamer, Novice Concrit of the Organization 'Under The Bridge'.
This one makes me want to spork myself.
It was really bad, just learn how to use SPaG and come again.
At best an awful trollfic, at best.
661585
i personally believe an F+ (0.5/10) is more appropriate, seeing as his score before was a F- - - - -. But to each teacher his own.
661611
Noted. Adjusted score as such.
Not sure why it was a 'D+'. Still trying not to sugar-coat all my shit.
661617
i know, i was a Paula Abdul once too.
Dont worry, with Din you'll break that barrier soon enough.
661627
No doubts in that department.
Since I'm still here and lurking, I wish to know how these... 'fictions' can still bypass moderation. These are the pieces of 'literature' that tarnish what little prestige FiMFiction still has.
Not saying the site is bad, but accepting fictions of this... degree, is highly unacceptable.
661647
i personally am glad of these for several reasons.
1. They allow me to be as cynical as i want.
2. i read these and i know what NOT to do in my fic.
3. It proves that fimfiction is not turning into an EQD where practically nothing gets accepted.
but i also agree with you
imagine a new brony reading this shit, or their parents, it ruins our reputation.
661666
All valid points of having shitty fictions still accepted. But, that cynical current that runs through the concrits and trolls of the Internet should be put towards crappy plot, dull characters, Gary-Stu outcomes...
Not god-forsaken spelling and grammar errors.
But hey, at least it isn't EQD. And that's why I'll always accept FimFiction as my number-one hub for critiquing the scum of literature.
661680
Agreed, on all accounts, (especially Gary-stu's, crappy plots, and fimfiction as #1) my good sir or madam.
sometimes I wonder if people actually write horrible fanfictions just to troll...
no one could write a fanfiction this bad without trying. 
661707
With the growing level of stupidity in the world, I'm beginning to believe this is people at their best sometimes.
But hey, some people aren't meant to write. Just like how some people aren't suppose to read, or blink...
...
...Fuck it. My faith in humanity is just about dead.
661688
This would be a 'sir' you'd be addressing.
However, I suppose I'm slightly guilty on the 'Gary-Stu' flaw in my writing. But I do try to write it accordingly without it always being the same, expected situation.
Read it if you wish, or don't. I could really care less right now.
661739
To me, the only justified Gary-Stu, is like in an Epic.
Like after a huge super awesome RPG adventure that has good characters that aren't overpowered and grow as they explore and conquer, and at the end the characters are literally like gods, as most RPGs are.
This is only way i can tolerate a gary-stu situation. But yes i shall read it, just to see how it is, and learn in the process (i learn from all fics, good/troll/shitty).
661776
Heh... your wording makes me laugh. It's almost like foreshadowing.
Oh well, you can base your 'Epic Gary-Stu' only acceptability when you read my fiction.
Oh, and do be vicious when you comment. To be blunt, rip my story a new asshole.
661785
Haha, I will, I review how I would want to be reviewed. Unless i don't feel like being cynical/i like it way too much/ I just feel like an idiot and i want to post a picture
(My true reviewing process involves tearing a fics soul through its eyes and then presuming to piss on its brain.)
I know this has already been said, but you really need to have chapters that are longer than a blogpost, or an especially lengthy comment. But your story does have this working in it's favor:
>In the bakery, Pinkie Pie was making cake. "OH NO!" She yelled "I ALMOST FORGOT TO MEET EPICBLOOM AT SWEET APPLE ACERS!"
If I ever put together a horrific OC ponycreator equine, I'm gonna name her Epicbloom. That is just too good to pass up.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/17270836.jpg
This is like an anti story, something you would read to Twilight to prank her or something.
661974
I approve of this art.
+1
Go learn to use grammar properly you fucking idiot go fuck yourself.
Rating: FUCKING CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats, you managed to get the attention of the Plot Protection Continuum. I ain't reading this.
AND she will get better! SHE WILL IMPROVE. Its her first fic, give her a break.
First paragraph
"I ALMOST FORGOT TO MEET EPICBLOOM AT SWEET APPLE ACERS!"...Epicbloom...what is this epicbloom you speak of...? Sweet apple acers... at least spell their names correctly...
Second chapter, this is most of it...
"Epicbloom handed Fluttershy a knife and whispered "kill the pink one or shell kill you." So Fluttershy followed Crystal and stuck the knife in Pinkie leg. "FLUTTERSHY!" Pinkie yelled struggling to break free. "IM GONNA KILL YOU!" "Thats why im gonna kill you first." Fluttershy said in her normal soft voice and proud smile. Epic bloom then walked next to Crystal and handed her a knife then all three of them started to stab and cut Pinkie Pie.
Blood went everywhere. On the walls, the ceiling, the table, and the three happy ponies. When they were done Pinkie was nothing but a doll with huge gaping holes, steep cuts, and horrible stab wounds all over. "
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQQPq2kZDlIlmV5KQpEN1MCfRoZ11i1z1t2OdKrC1nPghFppj7vIg
Crappy plot which is a remade shittier version of 'Cupcakes', grammar and spelling aside this is bad, oh, no, its so bad I'll have to make up a new word. It's
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSWqpNT8g3Y8WXcf8GTuSHjF8z2wBFeR-iK8vmWhSoMdDXDdrrY
This is Anhero from Under the Bridge saying-
that you should work on your skills as a writer
672713 Seriously?! you should just say the mistakes and to improve! NOT that she sucks.
672713 Seriously?! SHUT IT! that's just mean even if the story is bad, you should just say the mistakes and that she should improve!
And I'm sorry if I said shut it, but compared to what you said, that's nothing.
759257 And I'm sorry if I said shut it, but compared to what you said, that's nothing.
Don't worry. I'm from New York, we use worse words as adjectives here.
And if you read my comment, I did point out a few of the mistakes, alas; I am not his/ her prereader do I didn't point out all of them. I realize my comment may seem a bit harsh, but I honestly only wish to see the writer improve. I find a little tough love to be the best method to do this.
661524 I'M NOT A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRYSTAL DIED ERMAHGERD
661399 Don't waste your time rating trollfics.
I am surprised that this passed moderation given that you had so many characters speaking in the same paragraph. I would advise that you start a new paragraph each time a different character speaks.
Yeah, no.
Best story 10/10