The Pony With Adonis DNA
Blossom woke up with what I could safely assume was one hay of a nasty hangover considering how she’d been acting last night. I grinned at her. “Good morning, sunshine!”
Blossom let out a long, loud groan. Most ponies would’ve just taken the groan at face value, but luckily for her I spoke fluent hangover-ese.
“It’s 10:30 in the morning, so it’s not too early to wake up. I’m whispering, so if you say one word about me being too loud I swear I’ll set the Crusaders on you.” OK, that would probably be way too cruel. Sure I was a bit peeved with her for getting hammered while we were supposed to be foalsitting, but unleashing the Crusaders on a hungover pony probably qualified as a form of torture. They’d been enough of a hooffull for me last night when I was functioning at a hundred percent.
On the other hoof, Blossom deserved a scare as payback for everything she’d put me through. Things wouldn’t have gotten nearly so bad if I’d had another responsible adult helping out instead of a drunk and horny pegasus adding to my problems. If nothing else, she deserved to suffer some retribution for the mild case of blue wings she’d left me with. Spending all night turning down the advances of a reasonably attractive and extremely horny pegasus will do that to a mare.
Blossom groaned again, and I quickly translated. “Last night? You decided to get drunk off your flank. You also spent half the night trying to get me to bang you.”
Blossom’s eyes snapped open as soon as she heard that. I’d already done her a favor and shut the blinds; I might be annoyed with her, but I’m not a sadist. Besides, I wanted her to see me.
In bed. With her.
Okay, maybe I’m a bit of a sadist.
“Up for round two, hot-flanks? This time we can do the fun stuff!”
Blossom unleashed a string of panicky mumbling and flailed about uncoordinatedly until she tumbled out of the bed. That got a sympathetic wince out of me, and I slid out of bed to help her back in. Blossom seemed content to lie on my floor clutching her head in her hooves and whimpering, but I eventually managed to corral her back into my bed.
Getting her in my bed prompted more panicky hungover-ness and mumbles about how she didn’t wanna because she had a headache, so I decided to have a bit of mercy on her. “Relax, that was a joke. You haven’t lost your virgin card yet, and my intentions are entirely honorable.” Besides, a witch of a hangover is a pretty big impediment to any type of banging. Speaking from experience here.
I grabbed a glass of water for her off my nightstand and managed to coax her into drinking it. Once she’d gotten some water in her I went to the kitchen to grab a refill. Blossom was halfway through her second glass when I heard a knock on my door.
I let the boss’ fillyfriend in. I’d asked Pinkie Pie to put together a hangover cure for Blossom earlier. Hard to beat Pinkie Pie’s hangover cures; part of being Ponyville’s #1 Party Pony is knowing what to do when somepony parties a little too hard.
I took a curious sniff of the jar full of greenish liquid she’d brought over – I’d never had a chance to see one of her hangover cures while sober before – and promptly wished I hadn’t. Hangover cures, much like the hangover itself, apparently exist to make ponies realize that drinking to excess is a terrible, terrible idea.
“It’s my Patented Pinkie Pie Peachy-keen Pulchritudinous Hangover Panacea! It’s got salt, pickle juice, an egg, and my special super-secret ingredient!” Pinkie happily informed me. “I’ve got lots and lots of pickle juice. I bought an entire barrel full of it, just so I could say I have a pickle barrel! Now I just need to get some kumquats and...”
I trotted off into the bedroom as the crazy pink pony continued rambling. Pinkie might be a lot of fun to be around, but I don’t know how the boss manages to put up with her all the time. Probably by giving her things to do with her mouth other than talk.
Blossom took one look at the hangover cure and did her best to shove it away with a hoof. I couldn’t blame her for being a bit wary of drinking a jar of weird green stuff, but it was good for what ailed her. “Blossom, be a good girl and take your medicine.”
“Dunwanna.” Looks the water had at least gotten her to recover to the point where she could actually manage something resembling pony speech. “Looks icky.”
“Ickier than being stuck with a hangover?” That got Blossom thinking, so I went in for the kill. “Do you really wanna see what I’d do to make you drink it? ‘Cause lemme tell you, I have a couple really fun ideas for how to distract you.”
Blossom blushed and obediently stopped resisting. She took a single sip of Pinkie’s cure and nearly gagged on it, but I put a hoof on the jar and tipped it up a bit and forced her to keep drinking. She’d thank me later.
Once she’d finished it all off I took the jar from her and grabbed her another glass of water. She drank the water with considerably more enthusiasm, no doubt hoping she could get the taste of Pinkie’s medicine out of her mouth.
Speaking of Pinkie Pie, the pink party pony seemed to have taken it into her head to check up on my patient. “Hiya!” Pinkie chirped enthusiastically. Blossom whimpered and put a hoof to the side of her head. Pinkie took a hint and lowered the volume; right now anything louder than a whisper would hit Blossom like the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. “I brought you a cupcake to help wash my Patented Pinkie Pie Peachy-keen Pulchritudinous Hangover Panacea down.”
Blossom snatched the cupcake away and devoured it as fast as equinely possible. After a couple seconds to swallow, she waved me over with a hoof and whispered to me. “Cloud Kicker, what did you tell Rainbow Dash about why I’m not at work?” The fact that she was actually capable of forming and speaking coherent thoughts was a good sign for her recovery.
“I told the boss you were sick.” I answered helpfully.
“Sick?” Blossom tried to glare at me, but she still looked a bit too miserable to really pull it off. “You told Rainbow Rainbow Dash I was sick, then asked her fillyfriend to come over to make me a hangover cure?”
“Aw, don’t worry your pretty little head about Dashie-Washie.” Pinkie gave Blossom a reassuring pat on the head, which drew a whimper and a slow, half-hearted effort to brush the hoof away from the hungover pegasus. “Your Auntie Pinkie Pie has it all taken care of.”
“You’re not that much older than me,” Blossom grumbled under her breath.
“Pinkie’s right though, there’s no need to worry.” I reassured her. “The boss knows you came down with a nasty case of hasahangoveritis.”
Blossom let out a low moan of pain. “Why would you do that?
“Normally I’d cover for you, but considering all the trouble you got me into last night...” I trailed off with a shrug. What more needed to be said?
A blush was rapidly spreading across Blossom’s face as she asked. “Um – I can definitely remember some stuff, but could you tell me what exactly I did last night?”
I’m surprised she could remember anything; as hammered as she seemed, I’d half-expected her to be completely blacked out. “Well, do we start with the part where you wanted me to help you teach the girls about the facts of life by giving them a live demonstration, or the part where you were screaming for me to take away your virginity?”
Blossom let out a high-pitched squeak of terror and pulled the covers up over her head. Nice to see she was back to normal. “Did – did I really do that? In front of fillies?”
“Yes indeed.” Blossom let out a low moan of humiliation. “Don’t worry, I think between the two of us Cheerilee and I managed to fix most of the damage.” I just hope we’d done a good enough job to avoid the girls having some very interesting stories when they went home. Especially Dinky; I could live with Mom or Applejack being a bit put out with me, but Derpy was an old friend. Plus, you know, I wanted to bang her again. Derpy thinking I was a bad influence on her girls would make that kind of hard to pull off.
“Uh – where are the girls now? I should probably say something to them about–”
"Cheerilee took them to school.” I cut her off. “I figured that would at least buy you enough time to get over the hangover before you get some pissed off ponies out for your blood.” Although knowing my luck I would catch just as much of the blame for Blossom’s antics as Blossom herself. After all, she’d been getting drunk on my booze in my house.
Hopefully between Blossom’s drunkenness and the fillies’ innocence most of what she’d said had been lost in translation. Not having to deal with pissed-off pony parents would make my life a little easier.
The bottom dropped out of my stomach when I heard a hoof tapping on my door. I just knew it was going to be Applejack here to chew me out for corrupting her little sister, or Scootaloo’s parents. Maybe even Derpy coming here to revoke my muffin privileges forever and leave me with another former friend I could barely even talk to anymore.
I opened up the door and found Rarity on the other side. She looked exhausted, but had a faint hint of satisfaction lingering about her. Considering what she’d told me about why she needed somepony to keep an eye on Sweetie Belle, she’d probably just finished up with the work that left her pulling an all-nighter. The massive steaming cup of coffee she had floating along next to her was a pretty good hint too.
“Good morning Cloud Kicker.” Rarity let out a huge and most unladylike yawn. “I just thought I would stop by, ask how everything went last night. I do hope the girls weren’t too much trouble.”
“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” I lied smoothly. “They did get a little out of hoof once or twice, but Cheerilee came over and helped me keep them under control.”
“Oh, that’s very nice of her. I’ll ask the girls to include her.” Rarity gave a couple owlish blinks and a sudden start. “Oh! Yes, right. I haven’t told you yet. I’m terribly sorry, but I’m just a touch drowsy at the moment. Anyway, I asked the girls over at the spa to give you and Blossomforth a deluxe treatment. Free of charge, of course. Well, not actually free since I’ll be paying for it, but...” Rarity yawned again and waved a hoof in the air.
“I get the idea.” I rescued the sleep-deprived pony from going off on a tangent. “Thanks, I appreciate it.” I hesitated for a moment before bringing the subject up considering the state Rarity was in, but I couldn’t just let the matter go by without comment. “Would’ve been nice to know that I was getting all three of the Crusaders when I accepted, instead of just Sweetie Belle.”
Rarity had been in the middle of taking a sip of her coffee when I dropped that little bombshell. I narrowly avoided getting a mouthful of hot coffee to the face. “What? I was so sure I had – oh, I am so dreadfully sorry, Cloud Kicker. That was just awful of me. I’ll ask the girls to do something special for you to make up for it. They should be ready to see you sometime this afternoon, perhaps around four-ish?”
“Sounds good. Now go home and get some sleep.”
“Oh yes, sleep sounds lovely,” Rarity agreed. “But there are still a few small things I need to take care of first.” Rarity started wandering off, swaying blearily across the streets of Ponyville.
“Hey, wait up Rarity! I’ll go with ya!” Pinkie Pie suddenly leapt out of my house. I’d almost forgotten the party pony was there.
“Oh. That sounds lovely Pinkie.” Rarity seemed woozy enough to not even question why Pinkie had suddenly jumped out of my house.
“Ooo, you’re a sleepyhead today!” Pinkie chirped. “Well, nothing Pinkie Pie's Patented and Perplexitivly Powerful Picker-Upper can’t fix! I drink it all the time, and it works great for me!”
Huh. That explained a few things.
Well, now I had an appointment set up at the spa. More to the point, I had an extra invitation, since Blossom wouldn’t be going. Even if she got over her hangover in time, she didn’t really deserve to share the rewards from foalsitting the girls. I felt a bit bad about cutting her out like that, but fair is fair.
There was one fairly obvious candidate. Well, I guess I could invite the boss, but since Blossom and I had the day off she was probably busy. Besides, the boss would probably say she didn’t want to go along with all that girly spa stuff.
Derpy, on the other hoof, would do just fine. Okay, it was a little weird to share my payment for foalsitting with the mother of one of the girls I’d been taking care of. However, I figured that taking Derpy to the spa would end up rewarding me anyway. With any luck, it would put her in the mood for some fun later.
I poked my head in to check on my patient. “Blossom, you gonna be alright by yourself while I run a few errands?” She seemed to have gotten past the worst part of her hangover thanks to Pinkie’s cure, but she was still probably gonna feel like horseapples for the rest of the day.
“I’ll be fine,” Blossom reassured me. I got her a fresh glass of water and put a plate with a couple slices of bread and some eggs in the fridge for whenever she felt capable of eating.
“By the way, we’re out of lemonade.” The girls had finished off my foal-friendly supply last night, and Blossom saw to the rest of it. “Want me to pick up some more?”
Blossom let out an aggravated groan and hit me with the best glare she could muster in her current state.
It didn’t take me too long to find Ponyville’s wall-eyed mailmare in the process of struggling with a particularly troublesome mailbox. “Hi Cloud Kicker! Just gimme a minute!”
I lent a hoof and helped her sort the problem out. “Hey Derpy, when do you get off work?”
“Once I’m done with all my deliveries for the day. Why?”
“Rarity set up a spa appointment for me and Blossom to pay us back for a big favor she owed us but Blossom can’t make it, so I figured I’d ask you instead.”
“Oh.” I was a bit surprised when Derpy hesitated a bit before she answered. “That sounds nice, but... Cloud Kicker, can I ask you something?” I nodded for her to go ahead. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
“It’s not really a proper date; Cheerilee helped out too, so she’s gonna be with us. But ... well I guess it is kinda date-ish.” I shrugged and found myself at an uncharacteristic loss for words. “It’s just ... well, I had fun the other night. A lot of fun. So, I was thinking we could maybe make having some fun together a regular thing.”
“What about Blossomforth?”
What about my best friend? “I could ask, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be up for a threesome.”
“Cloud Kicker...” Derpy’s eyes narrowed in disapproval.
“Alright, serious business.” I sighed, and prepared myself to deal with something I’d rather not talk about. “I get it, okay? Blossom’s worried because she thinks that she might not be the most important pony in my life anymore. All of a sudden there’s this new mare I’m gonna spending time with and all that, and on top of that we’re banging. Don’t worry, I’ll spend some time with her and sort it all out, let her know she’s still my number one gal-pal.”
“Well, alright.” Derpy still looked a little worried. She always was a sweetheart. “How did things go with Dinky last night?”
“Not too bad. Dinky’s a good filly.” Well, my house probably hadn’t taken any permanent structural damage out of the whole ordeal. Not like the time they managed to tear Berry Punch’s house clear off its foundation. How could three little fillies cause so much unintentional devastation?
“Good to know she wasn’t too much trouble. Thanks again for keeping an eye on her.” Derpy leaned over and gave me a chaste peck on the cheek. “I’ve only got about a dozen deliveries left. You’re welcome to fly along, if you want.”
Once we finished up with her deliveries, Derpy mentioned that she needed to pick up a few things from the market. After playing foalsitter for half a dozen rambunctious fillies my food supplies weren’t exactly doing great either, so I went with her. Sweetie Belle’s disastrous efforts at cooking had also knocked out some of my stockpile of edible things. We trotted over to the market together, but went our separate ways shortly afterwards to do our shopping.
I stopped by Carrot Top’s stand first. I was a bit surprised when the earth pony greeted me with a wave and a smile; we’d never been particularly close. “Hi Cloud Kicker! What can I get for you?”
While I spent a moment to try and puzzle out why she was suddenly being so friendly, Carrot Top pointed a hoof to a freshly baked loaf of carrot bread and then leaned forward and offered in a conspiratorial whisper, “Those are Derpy’s favorites.”
Oh. Right, Carrot Top is Derpy’s next door neighbor. It would be kinda hard for her to miss the fact that I went over to Derpy’s place at night, got her to make some very interesting noises, and then left in the morning. Well, I guess there was no chance of keeping that particular liaison secret. Like any small town, Ponyville loves its gossip.
“Derpy’s favorite, huh? I’ll take it.” Springing some of her favorite bread on her would be a nice surprise next time I went over to Derpy’s place for a bit of fun (or she came over to mine; either way worked). “I also need half a dozen carrots. I promise I’ll put them to good use.”
“I’ve got some great recipes if you’d like,” Carrot Top answered with a grin. “Carrot cake, carrot salad, carrot bread, carrot stew...”
I tossed my bits onto the stand and took the loaf of bread and my produce. “Oh yeah, I guess I could use them for eating too.” Carrot Top stared at me in confusion for moment, until her brain added it all up. A moment later she was blushing and paying very close attention to the ground.
I trotted off with a chuckle and moved on to the next stand. Once I had the basic necessities taken care of, I decided I might as well get myself a little something special. I looked around the market for inspiration, and grinned when I saw a cherry stand. I’ve always liked cherries. Especially when they’re in a pie.
What?
When I got to the cherry stand, I saw somepony else had already beaten me there. “Ten bits for one cherry is outrageous!” Fluttershy declared. “I insist on paying you eleven bits!” I stared in dull shock as Fluttershy somehow managed to negotiate herself all the way up to twelve bits.
Alright, that just wouldn’t do. Direct intervention was necessary.
“Hey, what’s goin’ on here?” Fluttershy let out a startled squeak when she realized I’d walked up next to her. “You can’t be serious about charging her twelve bits for one cherry!”
“There’s plenty of other stalls.” The salespony shot right back. “If she doesn’t like my prices, she can go shop somewhere else.”
“Prices?” I feigned anger. “Oh, I see what’s going on here! Are you saying Fluttershy is poor? Just because she’s not as well off as you doesn’t mean you can go treating her like dirt!”
“Geez lady, what’re you–”
“Hey everypony!” I called out loud enough for entire marketplace to hear me. “This shop discriminates against the poor!”
The accusation set off scandalized muttering all through the market, and I spotted a unicorn who’d been trotting towards the shop glaring at the owner before abruptly reversing course. It didn’t take mister jerky cherry stand owner long to figure out he was in a bad spot. In a small town like Ponyville, doing business was all about your reputation. One rumor about his little cherry stand not dealing fairly could leave him very short on customers.
Time to go in for the kill. “Here’s how it’s gonna work, buddy I’m gonna stand right here and tell everypony who comes within ten yards of your stand about how you discriminate against the poor until you apologize to my good friend Fluttershy. Got it?”
The stallion did his best to stare me down, but I’ve dealt with tougher ponies than him. After a minute, he broke. “Okay, okay. Just take the damn cherry!”
Nice. I would’ve been fine with just getting a fair price, but getting it for free was even better. “Alright, but you still hurt my feelings.”
The storepony gave a disgusted grunt and started packing up his stand, stopping every once in a while to shoot a glare in my general direction. I nudged the cherry over to Fluttershy. “There ya go Fluttershy, one cherry.”
“Um – thanks.” Fluttershy squeaked nervously. “But – um – you didn’t have – I mean – I wouldn’t have minded – well, he was charging an awful lot of the that cherry – but – um – that wasn’t very nice to make him – not that I don’t appreciate your help but...”
I chuckled and cut her off with an upraised hoof. “Relax, Eepysqueak.”
“Don’t call me that,” Fluttershy snapped at me. Well, as close to snapping as she could get anyway – anypony who hadn’t known her for as long as I had would’ve missed the subtle change of pitch and the hint of terseness in her voice.
That got a little bit of a flinch out of me. Fluttershy getting as close to mad as she could get with anypony the instant I broke out the old nickname I’d had for her when we were friends was a pretty clear sign. She might appreciate the help, but things still weren’t right between us.
Fluttershy noticed my reaction, and a second later she clapped her hooves over her mouth in horror. “Oh my! I am so sorry Cloud Kicker! I didn’t mean to – I – um – I’m really, really, really sorry – I – sorry – meep!” From there her efforts at speech degenerated into a series of high-pitched squeaks of contrition.
Oh horsefeathers. I guess I’d kind of hoped that helping out with the cherry thing might ... well not completely patch things up between me and Fluttershy, but at least make things a little bit less weird. Instead, I’d probably gone and made it all worse. “Look, Fluttershy, I–”
“Um – I – I should go.” Before I could say anything else Fluttershy zipped away at a pretty impressive speed for a pony who’d been infamous for her lack of athletic ability back in Flight Camp.
I sighed and watched her go.
I wish I could fix things between us. It wasn’t the first time I’d tried, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. I guess it just wasn’t the kind of problem where you could say a little apology or do a good deed and everything would be fine. I wanted to go back to the days when we were friends.
I stared after the rapidly fading pegasus and whispered under my breath. “Sorry, Eepysqueak.”
After the run-in with Fluttershy, I headed home and dropped off my groceries. A quick check of the clock confirmed that I had a bit of time to kill before the appointment Rarity had set up for us at the spa. My first instinct was to get to work on cleaning up the damage five rambunctious fillies and a drunk pegasus had inflicted on my home last night, but somepony had already take care of all that.
A quick check of the bedroom confirmed that Blossom was gone, and I found a short note on the kitchen table. Went home. Tried to clean up. Sorry. Blossom’s mouthwriting wasn’t all that great, so I guess the hangover was still bothering her some.
So. I was at home by myself, with time to kill. There’s only so many things a pony can do in a situation like that, and I wasn’t in the mood to read a book. So I guess that just left doing a bit of “fencing” to pass the time.
I walked over to the closet and rummaged around on the top shelves. After Cheerilee had taken charge of the girls and Blossom had konked out for the night, I’d done some rearranging to better secure things that should be kept out of fillies’ hooves. Now that the crisis had passed, though, I couldn’t remember where I’d put everything. I rustled through my newly-organized oddities, shoving various and sundry items out of the way. Neck massagers, scented oils and chiropractic aids flew with reckless abandon as I searched through the closet, dead set on finding the object of my desire. I made a mental note to go and retrieve some of the more interesting favorites I hadn’t seen in a while for later use. I had struck a vein of, shall we say unusual literature (and something that vaguely resembled a sea anemone made of rubber) when a gleam caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. Could that be–
Aha! Got it!
My wings twitched as my hoof ran along the familiar smoothness, and I looked everything over in anticipation before sliding it into place.
A few quick tugs secured the right wing-blade snugly against the appropriate appendage, and its twin quickly followed. I figured that some practice wouldn’t go amiss, since I had the time to spare. It had been a while since I’d dusted them off, and I didn’t wanna lose my skills completely.
Wing-blades are a tricky weapon. After all, slapping sharp chunks of metal on the edges of your wings and mixed in with your feathers really changes a pony’s balance when it comes to flying. Once you get used to using them though, you’ve got a pair of weapons that can thoroughly ruin somepony’s day if they piss you off. Sure, I was probably never gonna actually use the things, but after all the trouble I’d gone to learning how to use them it felt sloppy to not keep in practice.
By the time I needed to head to the spa I’d worked up a good sweat (making it rather fortuitous I was going to the spa after this) and managed to slice and dice the heck out of the air in my apartment. It was a good thing my set had dulled edges for practicing, or my couch would’ve been sliced and diced too. Maybe I was getting a little rusty; I should get back in the habit of practicing regularly.
I put the blades up and started heading towards the schoolhouse to meet up with Cheerilee and Derpy. Since we had to wait until Cheerilee was done with the school day to actually hit the spa, we might as well meet up there to save time. Besides, it would give Derpy a chance to check on her Dinky. Come to think of it, I needed to check in on ‘lula too. Like last night had proved, I wasn’t exactly used to the whole ‘being responsible for taking care of a filly’ thing.
When I got to the schoolhouse Derpy and Cheerilee were waiting for me along with the girls. To my relief, the terrible trio known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders were nowhere to be seen. ‘lula ran in for a quick hug and began babbling enthusiastically to me about her day.
‘Lula seemed a lot more energetic than she’d been yesterday. Not hard to guess why; an entire day away from Mom would do wonders for anypony’s mood. I did my best to follow along, but the intricacies of schoolyard life escaped me. I smiled and nodded in the right places, and that seemed to be enough for ‘lula.
I was starting to think I was a lot better at being ‘lula’s cool big sis than I was at actually being a responsible raising-the-foal type of pony. Oh well, I’d figure it out. Probably a good thing I’d hooked up with Derpy; she’d set me straight if I messed up.
I scooped up ‘lula – earning a half-hearted protest about how she was a big filly who didn’t need me to carry her – and a couple flaps of my wings brought us over to Cheerilee and Derpy. “Hey. What’s the plan for the girls while we’re having our spa day?” See? I can be responsible.
“Sparkler’s going to take them to the library to get some homework done.” Derpy answered.
Derpy’s adopted daughter gave me a nervous little wave of her hoof. Guess I couldn’t blame the kid for not being sure what to make of the pony that was banging her mom. “Yeah, I’ll take care of the girls. Don’t worry about them.”
“Good luck, they can be a hooffull.” Hopefully Sparkler shouldn’t have too much trouble. She was used to dealing with her little sister after all, and ‘lula was a good kid most of the time. Things hadn’t gotten really out of control last night until Rarity threw the Crusaders into the mix and Blossom got smashed.
The three of us trotted over to the spa for our well-deserved pampering. Rarity got us the deluxe package; I guess she was feeling a little guilty for dumping the Crusaders on us. Besides, as often as Rarity comes here, she’s probably got some kind of regular customer discount.
They started us off with just relaxing in the steam baths, which felt nice after my little exercise session. After that it was hooficures and preenings for me and Derpy. Then came the mane treatments and facials, followed up by mud baths to help our coats. Derpy and Cheerilee ended up lingering in the mud baths for a while longer while the twins moved me along to getting my massage.
I have to say that while the spa wasn’t usually my kind of thing, I could see why Rarity was so fond of it. There’s a lot to be said for any place where you can go and have a couple cute mares rub their hooves all over your body.
I let out a very contented sigh as Aloe worked her hooves over a knot at the base of one of my wings. According to her I had a lot of tension there. Guess that figures; doing weather work means spending most of the day on your wings. Whatever the case, her hooves felt very nice.
“Lotus, I’m going to be busy here for a while.” Aloe called out to her twin. “Do you think you could lend a hoof and take care of the rest of the massage?”
Lotus hopped to it, and now I had two sets of hooves working my body. Not bad. Not bad at all. A pony could get used to this kind of thing.
I relaxed and enjoyed while the two ponies did what they did best. Aloe was still paying careful attention to my wings, while Lotus worked her way down my back. Then over to my hind legs. Then my flanks. Then–
Hello!
I must have given a bit of a twitch when Lotus’ hooves moved to that rather interesting location, because the spa pony felt the need to speak up. “Miss Rarity asked us to attend to whatever you needed from us, Miss Cloud Kicker.”
“Whatever I want, huh?” Was this going where I thought it was?
“Indeed.” Aloe was still focused on my wings, but now I couldn’t help noticing that she was letting her hooves linger on some rather sensitive areas. “Miss Rarity asked us to make sure that every single part of your time at our spa was happy. From the beginning to the ending.”
No way. Rarity had set up a Happy Ending for me? Best foalsitting payment ever!
Before I could really start enjoying myself, a rather unusual thought struck me. Instead of thinking about the hot pair of twins who intended to do everything they could manage to fill me up with all kinds of warm fuzzy feelings, my mind was on the wall-eyed pegasus in the other room. Suddenly I was wondering if I should go through with this or find a way to politely decline.
Thinking of turning down a threesome with twins. That was a first.
Still, Derpy and I kind of had a ... well not really a proper relationship, but we had a thing. I didn’t wanna mess that up. Especially after how close I had come to traumatizing her daughter the other night. Well, okay, that was technically Blossom’s fault, but still...
I mean, it’s not like we’d talked about exclusivity or anything. I hadn’t made any promises, and Derpy was an old friend. She knew how I lived my life. She had to know that if I had a chance at banging twins, it was happening. And yet...
“Uh, girls? Could you hold that thought for a minute?” The twins looked almost as surprised at the request as I was. “There’s somepony I have to talk to first real quick.”
I bet I set some kind of indoor speed record getting from the massage room to the mud baths. It’s a good thing there weren’t any long corridors in the spa, or I might have been the second pony to ever have performed a Sonic Rainboom.
I overshot Derpy and nearly slammed into the wall, but managed to recover in time to come about and land in front of the grey pegasus wallowing in a mud bath. “Hey Cloud Kicker! What’s up?”
“Not much.” I tried to play it cool by pure instinct, even though there was something very, very big up. “So anyway, I was wondering ... um ...” Well, really no delicate to put this, so I might as well just be direct. “Will you be upset if I bang other ponies?”
Cheerilee gasped in shock. “How can you even ask something like that!? Isn’t she your fillyfriend?”
I suspect Cheerilee was just warming up for a rant about how inappropriate and inconsiderate I was being when Derpy cut off. “It’s fine, Cloud Kicker.” Cheerilee seemed even more shocked by Derpy’s answer than by my initial request, so the greatest fillyfriend in the history of Equestria took mercy on her. “Cloud Kicker’s been my friend for years, Cheerilee. I know I couldn’t keep her to myself even if I wanted to.” She shot me a coy look. “I don’t mind if she has a little fun on the side – I know she likes my muffin enough to come back.”
I grinned in triumph. Nice to know my principles wouldn’t keep me from missing out on a chance for some action. I like my rules, but sticking to my principles to the point of missing out on twins was a lot further than I’d ever wanted to test them out. There’s doing the right thing, and then there’s putting honor before reason.
“Cheerilee, wanna come with?” I was mostly just offering to tweak her nose for getting all self-righteous with me.
“I’m seeing somepony.” The schoomarm had a touch of frost in her voice.
“Oh. Sorry, didn’t know.” I took two steps towards the door, then turned around. “I’ll have to ask the twins, but I don’t have any problem with him joining in.” I held up a hoof to forestall any objections. “Kidding, kidding.”
“Wait Cloud Kicker!” Derpy waved me over with the cutest little shy grin on her face. “You came to ask my permission for twins?”
“Yeah.”
A pair of muddy hooves shot up out of the bath, wrapped themselves around my neck, and pulled my lips down to meet hers. A moment later Derpy weight hanging off my neck tipped me over, and I joined her in the mud bath. That didn’t stop us from having a little bit of a make-out session then and there.
Once we’d been going at it long enough to make Cheerilee cough uncomfortably and start looking at the door, Derpy finally let me go. Needless to say, I had mud in my everywhere by then. Tends to happen when you fall into a mud bath. Right as I was about to head out the door Derpy snagged me by the hoof. “Have fun. And... you may want to rinse off first.”
I smiled at my adorable fillyfriend for all I was worth. “No time! Twins!” And with that I bolted from the room, leaving a trail of herbal mud in my wake.
Now that all those pesky fidelity issues had been dealt with, I charged back into the massage room and hopped up on the table with a big grin, drawing shocked looks from the twins. “Alright, ladies. Where were we?”
A couple days later, Blossom and I had gotten together for a little friendly lunch. Since it was the first chance we’d had for some quality time together since her case of hangoveritis, I was naturally using the opportunity to tease her mercilessly.
“Wanna go fencing later?” I asked with the most innocent tone I could muster.
Blossomforth shot me a withering look.
“Hey!” I held up my hooves defensively. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m gonna start getting the impression you don’t want me to bang you.”
“How many times do I have to tell you Cloud Kicker? I don’t!”
“Really?” I feigned a puzzled expression. “Because ‘YES CLOUD KICKER, TAKE ME NOW!’ might be misconstrued by some ponies.”
Half the ponies in the restaurant were staring at our table after my brief imitation of her drunken antics, making Blossom’s face turn the most adorable shade of red. “Would you keep your big trap shut?!”
“C’mon, Blossom. You’re too uptight. Loosen up and live a little. It’ll do you good to get that stick out of your flank. Maybe even turn in your virgin card.”
Blossom glared daggers at me. I was starting to wonder if I might have pushed her buttons just a bit too hard. I didn’t want her getting seriously pissed at me again.
Then she giggled nervously. “There really is no holding you back, is there? Nothing stops you. You just say what you’re thinking no matter what it is.”
I smirked at the reprieve. “Yup. That’s me. Can’t keep a good mare down.”
“So – uh –” Blossom blushed and looked down at the table. “Why didn’t you do it?”
“Do what?”
The waiter brought out our food before Blossom could clarify, which distracted us a bit from the conversation. The boss had us working pretty hard today, and right now I wanted that daisyburger with hay fries a lot more than I wanted any conversation. Judging by the look Blossom was giving her sandwich, she was thinking the same thing as me. Food first, friendship later.
Once half my daisyburger had been relocated to my stomach, I was willing to slow down on the eating enough to actually do a little talking again. “So what was it I didn’t do?”
“Oh. Me.” A second later Blossom froze in shock, and let out an embarrassed little squeak. “Um – that is, you didn’t mate with me that night. Even though I asked you to. Why not?”
Oh Blossom, you should know better than to feed me opportunities like this. “Did you want me to? ‘Cause you’re totally hot enough that I’d bang you right here, right now. Seriously, let’s just clear off the table and get it on! We’ll put on a show, let ponies take pictures. C’mon everypony, pull up a chair! I probably oughta warn ya, those of you in the front rows may get wet!”
Blossom might have been developing a thicker skin, but she had her limits. “Meep!” I suspect it was taking all her courage not to try hiding under the table.
Great, I’d gone and broken her. At this rate we’d have to resort to communicating in code. One eep for yes, two squeaks for no, three squeals for ‘Faster! Harder!’
If I wanted to get any useful conversation out of her, I’d need to back off a bit. I gave her a couple seconds to regain her composure. Once she was in a fit state for engaging in coherent speech again, I gave her my answer. “It would’ve been wrong. You were drunk. Not thinking clearly. That was obvious to anypony with half a brain.”
“Well, yes.” Blossom agreed, for once looking embarassed for a reason other than me mercilessly teasing her. “But...”
I cut her off with a raised hoof. “Rule number three. Never take a pony to bed when their judgment is compromised. Drugs, alcohol, emotional or psychological things, whatever. If the pony isn’t thinking straight enough to agree, I don’t bang them. Simple as that.”
“Rule number three?” Blossom regarded me with obvious curiosity. “How many of those rules do you have?”
“As many as I need.” After a moment’s consideration, I decided I might as well give her the whole list. If I didn’t, the curiosity would kill her. “Rule number one: No regrets. I don’t want somepony waking up in the morning and realizing I was a mistake.”
“Rule number two: No complications: I’m all for a good night of harmless fun, but there’s a lot of times where it’s more trouble than they’re worth. Like with the boss’ friends. The boss might be friends with some real hotties, but banging one of them would get real messy real fast. The boss and I have a good thing going, and I’m not gonna mess it up just for one night of meaningless sex.
“You already know rule three, so no point in repeating it.”
“Rule number four: No banging friends.”
Blossom frowned at that one. “I thought Derpy was your friend.”
“Some of these are really more like guidelines than ironclad rules,” I admitted. “The thing about not banging friends is that it can really mess up a friendship if you’re not careful. I’m pretty sure me and Derpy can handle it, but it’s something you wanna be real careful about.
“Rule number five: No banging without safety gear. I don’t plan on finding myself with an STD or getting knocked up.
“Rule number six: No lying to get sex. Or at least, no really big lies. Everypony does a little bit of harmless exaggeration, but there’s a line. I don’t cross it. Ever.
“Rule number seven: No banging a pony who’s looking for romance. I got no plans to go for moonlight serenades and a big fancy wedding. I like my life the way it is, and don’t see much reason to change it.”
“Once again, Derpy.” Blossom objected.
“What Derpy and I have isn’t exactly some big romance. We get together every once in a while and give each other some very warm squiggly feelings, to our intense mutual satisfaction. It’s a bit more of a regular thing than I usually go for, but there’s a big difference between that and the big nasty complicated mess that is romantic love.”
“Hey!” Blossom took offense at that. “Love is a pure and wonderful thing!”
“Sure it is,” I agreed easily. “Look at the boss and Pinkie. They’re a great couple, and that works for them. It’s not like I’ve got some sort of huge hatred for all the love and romance and stuff. It’s just not something that I wanna go chasing after myself.
“Anyway, rule number eight: No banging somepony who doesn’t know what they’re getting into with me. Kinda goes with number seven. I don’t want to leave somepony pining after me for the rest of their life.” I hit Blossom with a cocky grin. “It’s a real risk with my raw animal magnetism.”
Blossom rolled her eyes at me. “Yeah, sure it is.”
“It is! If I’m not careful, I’ll leave behind a string of broken hearts. It’s only my careful self-control that’s keeping everyone in Ponyville from continually pining after me.”
“Hey look!” Blossom pointed her hoof at something behind me. “Flitter and Cloudchaser are smearing each other with chocolate sauce and whipped cream, and they’re waving to you!”
“Really?” I whipped my head around, but the weather squads set of twins were nowhere to be seen. While I wasn’t surprised that Blossom was having a bit of fun at my expense, it was still worth taking a look just for a laugh. Besides, you never know when something like that might actually happen. Missing out on something like that would definitely break Rule Number One, because I would regret the lost opportunity for the rest of my life.
When I turned back around, Blossom was giggling into her hooves. “Great self-control, Cloud Kicker.”
“That was just cruel Blossom, getting my hopes up like that.” I was halfway tempted to start up with the teasing again, but if I did that we’d probably keep at it until our lunch break was over. I did still have four more rules to cover. “So, rule number nine: No banging ponies who are in a committed relationship. Well, unless everypony involved is onboard with it. I got no problem with helping a couple spice up their sex life, but I’m not gonna be the other pony. Somepony wants to cheat, they can do it with somepony else.
“And that’s the last of the big rules. There’s three more, but aren’t exactly ... well the first nine are the hard-and fast rules. The next three are more like ... words of wisdom.”
“The wisdom of Cloud Kicker? That’s a phrase I never expected to hear before.” I swear, Blossom has no respect for me. No respect at all.
Like any truly wise pony, I let her skepticism slide off my back. The truth would be revealed soon enough. “Rule number ten: No banging while flying. Trust me, it’s only a matter of time before somepony tries to talk you into it, and it is a terrible idea. Nopony can multitask well enough to pull it off.”
Now for another one of the rules I knew she would give me grief over. “Rule number eleven: No staying at the bangee’s house for too long after the deed is done. It leads to awkward talks with the kids, and the temptation to stay longer.” I cut her off before she could point out the obvious. “Yes, I know I broke that one with Derpy. She seduced me with breakfast muffins. I’m not made of steel. Besides, seducing a pony with breakfast muffins is a crime in some countries.”
That got a giggle-snort out of Blossom. Sure, she laughs now, but someday it’ll be her getting seduced by the prospect of fresh-baked muffins. And sex.
“And last of the lot, rule number twelve: No Diamond Dogs. Ever again.”
Blossom stared at me with an unreadable expression on her face. “Diamond Dogs?”
“Don’t ask. Just ... don’t. In fact, let’s just forget I ever even mentioned that rule.”
“Oookay.” I turned my attention to my food, and Blossom followed my lead. We spent the next couple minutes in companionable silence, until we’d finished off most of our meal. When Blossom finally resumed the conversation she avoided the subject which must not be mentioned.
“Cloud Kicker?” Blossom nervously nibbled on her bottom lip for a bit before she mustered up the courage to continue. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“More personal than my rules of banging? Go for it.” After the whole thing about my past with Fluttershy, I kinda felt like I owed Blossom a couple details when it came to my personal history. It’s not like I’d wanted to shut her out or anything, it’s just there’s some topics a pony doesn’t wanna talk about if they can avoid it.
“What happened between you and your mother?” Oh look, there’s one of those topics right now: family drama.
Well, my messy family situation still wasn’t nearly as sensitive as the whole thing with Fluttershy. Most of it was ancient history that I’d gotten over a long time ago. At least, that’s what I told myself, though the fact that I couldn’t have a civil conversation with Mom lately kinda blows that one out of the sky.
Still, Blossom was my best friend. She kinda deserved to know the truth. Besides, maybe talking to somepony about it would help. “Kind of a long story, Blossom.”
Blossom shifted a bit to get comfortable, and asked the waiter for a refill on her tea. “I’ve got time.”
“Right.” I took a moment to figure out where to start it all. “Look, the thing you’ve gotta know about my family is that being in the Guard is kinda ... well it’s what we do. My Mom, my Dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, pretty much all of them are in the Guard. It’s been that way for a long time. It’s a family tradition. You ever have an afternoon to waste, ask my grandpa about the history of the Kicker clan, and he’ll tell you the entire family history all the way back to Shadow Kicker. Nine hundred years of tradition is a pretty big deal to some ponies.
“Of course, everypony expected me to carry on the family name in the Guard. Just like my mother before me, and her mother before her, and her mother before her, and ... you get the idea. They had me learning hoof-to-hoof combat and taking wing-blade classes before I could fly. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t so crazy about it to the point of not letting me have a childhood or anything, but they did start training me to be a good little soldier early on.
“I went along with it just fine for the most part. Everypony in my family expected me to grow up and join the Guard, so that’s what I expected would happen too. Soon as I finished up with school and Flight Camp, it was off to West Hoof Military Academy. I did pretty good there. Damn good, really. I enjoyed a lot of it, but...” I sighed, and tried to decide how to put it all into words. “I think what it was is that as long as it was about getting through the classes and competition I was alright, but once I was done with all that...
“I don’t know. It just started hitting me. Like, this is what my whole life was gonna be from now on. Second Lieutenant Cloud Kicker, reporting for duty.” I tossed out a half-hearted salute. “So I bugged out. Just ran out of the room right in the middle of the graduation ceremony.”
Blossom blinked and stared at me in surprise. “Just like that? You just decided you didn’t want to join the Guard after all and ran for it?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” Most ponies would think I had much bigger reason for tossing all the family tradition out the window. “I guess it was just that I’d never really thought about it before. Or maybe it was just the whole teenage rebellion thing happening a couple years late.” I shrugged. “Whatever.”
“And things have been tense with your family ever since?” Blossom concluded.
“Not exactly.” That wasn’t the answer Blossom had been expecting. “I mean yeah, the whole ‘running off and breaking family tradition’ thing caused some problems, but we kinda sorted it out eventually. Sure we don’t always agree on things, but we’re still family. Mom and Dad bug me every once in a while about how they want me to stop doing weather work and accept my commission, but that’s about the end of it. Or at least it was.”
“It doesn’t seem like you’re getting along very well with your mother anymore.” Nothing gets by Blossom, canny observer that she is.
“Yeah, things kinda went to Tartarus between us about a year back.” I halfheartedly poked at my hay fries. “Not exactly sure what happened there. If I had to guess though... Well that’s about the time they appointed the new Captain of the Guard. I don’t really keep up with the internal politics of the Guard, but I’m pretty sure my Dad was on the short-list for ponies they were considering. Having his daughter run off in the middle of her graduation ceremony probably didn’t look good for him.”
I felt a little twinge of guilt at that.
“So maybe Mom blames me for him not getting the job. I dunno. Mom always did have big plans for the family. Blaming me for knocking them off the rails makes as much sense as anything else I can think of.”
An interesting thought popped into my head, and I added, “Well, that or she’s going through menopause and the hormones are driving her all crazy. That would actually make more sense. It’s not just me she’s having problems with; her marriage with Dad is falling apart too.” Come to think of it, maybe that’s why things have gotten rough for me and Mom. Not really sure when she and Dad started having problems, but that kinda stress probably wasn’t doing her mental balance any favors.
Blossom reached out and silently put her hoof on top of mine. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to.
I smiled at her for a long moment, until I moved along to wrapping up my story. “Anyway, after I finished up with military school, I wound up going into weather work. Found out the boss was doing the same thing, and moved here.”
I noticed Blossom’s eyes lingering on my last couple hay fries, so I nudged them over to her plate. Blossom expressed her appreciation by devouring them.
We split up the bill, though I was vaguely tempted to insist that Blossom should pay a little extra since she ate some of my hay fries. No real point doing that though; the monetary value of six hay fries is pretty negligible.
We were flapping along low over town square on the way back to work when we spotted some kind of disturbance going on. Two ponies getting into a scuffle. By itself that wouldn’t be anything shocking, but when I got a good look the ponies involved in the fight...
Some stallion was beating up Fluttershy.
“Oh, you just made the biggest feathered mistake of your life, buddy!” Sure things were weird between us right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna some jerk lay so much as one hoof on her. I shot down towards the two fighting ponies and was just about to deliver a very righteous flank-kicking when I noticed a couple things.
First off, this wasn’t so much a fight as a one sided assault. More importantly, it was Fluttershy doing all the fighting. “Nopony pushes New Fluttershy around! NOPONY!”
Okay...
That was unexpected.
Fluttershy whipped her head towards me, a furious snarl marring her kind face. The instant she recognized me she gave a nasty and very un-Fluttershy-like smile. “Well well well. If it isn’t my old friend, Cloud Kicker!”
Holy horseapples. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pony oozing so much pure undiluted nastiness before. Everything about her, her body, her tone of voice, everything, all of it conveyed a picture of utter hostility. Just hearing sweet little Fluttershy talk like that was enough to put me back on my haunches from the shock of it.
“What’s the matter, Cloud Kicker?” Fluttershy sniped at me. “Did you run out of ponies to sleep with? Maybe you’ve finally whored your way through all of Ponyville.”
If it were any other pony that would have earned her a hoof to the face, repeated as needed until the lesson sank in. It wasn’t any other pony though, it was Fluttershy. Sweet, helpless little Fluttershy. Okay, so she wasn’t exactly being very sweet right now, but she was still Fluttershy. There are some ponies you just can’t raise a hoof against no matter what they do.
Blossom landed next to me, frowning in concern. “Cloud Kicker, what’s going on here?”
Since I had no idea myself, I didn’t know how to answer that one. Before I could even start to make sense of Fluttershy’s transformation from timid doormat to raging ursa, the yellow pegasus started in on me again. “It’s no wonder you can’t find anypony who wants to stay with you for more than one night.”
“Hey!” Blossom snapped. “You can’t talk to her like that!”
I put a restraining hoof on Blossom’s shoulder before she could do something I’d regret. “Blossom, let’s just get out of here.”
I turned around and would’ve walked away, except Fluttershy flew around to cut me off.“Off so soon? I guess it is all about convenience for you, isn’t it? You just come in when you feel like it, take what you want and leave without thinking of anything but your next roll in the hay. I bet Derpy going into labor wasn’t even the first time you left somepony out in the cold!
I glowered at her for that. She knew as well as I did that I’d wanted to be there when Dinky was born – it wasn’t my fault I was out of town when it happened. Nopony had expected the foal to come two months early!
With a nasty little smirk on her face, Fluttershy tossed out one last barb. “It’s for the best, really. You’re a bad enough influence on your sister. Of course, now that you and Derpy are together you’ll have plenty of chances to ruin her daughters, too.”
I felt my eyes start stinging and quickly ducked my head. No way I was gonna give her the satisfaction of seeing me tear up. I couldn’t hide it from Blossom though. She wrapped a wing over my back and shot a poisonous glare at Fluttershy.
The other pegasus was still indulging her sudden nasty streak. "So you’re a crybaby too? No wonder your parents think you're such a failure!" At least, I think that's what she was going to say – it was kind of hard to be sure of the last word since she got cut off by somepony's hoof connecting with her jaw.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any stranger, Blossom hit her again. "Shut your bucking mouth!" Blossom screamed. "You leave Cloud Kicker alone! I don't know what your problem is, b–OOF!"
Fluttershy cut her off with a wicked tackle that sent them both sprawling. Blossom tried to wrap her in a headlock, but Fluttershy rolled on top of her and tried to drive her muzzle into the ground.
As shocking as all this way, some distant analytical part of my brain couldn’t help noticing that the two of them were fighting like absolute amateurs. As my mom was always fond of telling me, pegasi had a proud warrior tradition stretching back thousands of years. I don’t think any of their ancestors were looking down proudly on them right now; Blossom and Fluttershy didn’t have a lick of hoof-to-hoof combat training, and it showed. Both of them were pretty much running on pure rage and making it up as they went along.
On the other hoof, I couldn’t help but be a bit impressed when Blossom chomped down on Fluttershy’s tail and yanked a mouthful of pink hairs out. You didn’t need much in the way of training to know how to fight dirty.
It was incredibly surreal watching Blossom and Fluttershy roll around the ground, doing everything they could to kick each other’s flanks. And yet at the same time...
The two of them were pressed up against each other in a grapple. Sweaty, panting, gasping in exertion. Furious emotion burning in their eyes. The utter wrongness of seeing two of the most gentle ponies I knew engaged in a knock-down drag-out mane-pulling and feather-yanking brawl. It was all so...
“Is it just me,” I asked out loud, “or is this kinda hot?”
Everypony else began slowly backing away from me. Everypony except Pinkie Pie. (Wait, when did she get here?) “Popcorn?”
I took the proffered bag off of Pinkie’s hooves. It would’ve been rude to say no. “Hey Pinkie, ten bits says Blossom wins.”
“You’re on!”
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I literally cheered, "YES" when I saw this was updated. I don't do that often. And today's been boring, so this has been my highlight of the day (...I really need a life-ah, LATER!). This is a good sign. I am excited!
I couldn't stop smiling and giggling reading this. My mouth hurts, is that bad? I like how you brought in "Putting Your Hoof Down" with Flutterbitch going, well, bitch on Cloud Kicker. Even she couldn't handle it. Can't blame her. I'd be in tears hearing Fluttershy talk about me like that. And one word: CATFIGHT-no, wait, PONYFIGHT, PONYFIGHT!
I am commander shepard and this is my favorite shipfic in all of fimfiction.
“Oh yeah, I guess I could use them for eating too.”
s2.subirimagenes.com/otros/6426554roto2.jpg
Everything planned for the evening went right out the window when I saw this had updated. You should truly be proud
15 bits on Blossom.
I love this story.
Also, cool that you've mixed in the Iron Will episode. (So don't remember the name...)
The writing is as amazing as always, and Cloud Kicker is as well.
She's like Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, only... I dunno. More nicerererer? (I haven't seen much of that show...)
I also cheered when I got the update email.
Thank you for this story! (And to think I almost didn't read it...)
Journcy Out.
Fucking love this story
ok first of all love the rules of banging, and what the heck happened to fluttershy was this supposed to be during the iron will incident. also if fluttershy and blossom are such amateur fighters what does that say about the stallion that fluttershy was beating up on.
Think About You - Guns N' Roses
I'm seeing more Renegade Commander Shepard than Charlie Sheen, dude. Not that I'm complaining.
I haven't read this chapter yet, but did you mean Adonis?
Is "Adomis" a typo or a pun I'm not aware of?
Also, highly enjoyable chapter, I wondered if we'd see New Fluttershy when the cherry guy showed up. The fact we still haven't gotten all of the details about whatever happened between her and Cloudkicker is getting mildly frustrating, but some of Fluttershy's choice of verbal attacks left me with some ideas, that may of course be totally wrong. But really this thing was overall well-crafted and funny, for example the use of recurring gags with Pinky and popcorn.
Fluttershy fighting that's something that is hard to imagine....
maybe not. Anyway loved the update thank you so much! 
If nothing else, she deserved to suffer some retribution for the mild case of blue wings she’d left me with.
I was so excited when this fic updated. It's so amazing! I love you so much for this.
It's spelled Adonis, I think it means like angel or something, not too sure.
To everyone reading this...
You will LISTEN
You will OBSERVE
You will...
EAT TATERS
Who won? Who's next? You decide! EPIC PONY MUDWRESTLING... of EQUESTRIA!!!
Shouldn't the chapter title be "Adonis" and not "Adomis"?
Also, "Most ponies would’ve just take the groan at face value" should probably be "Most ponies would’ve just taken the groan at face value".
Not sure why I keep reading this fic, though I watch for updates to it like a hawk. Cloud Kicker is just a little too perfect to be likeable. Her flaws, if you can call them that - old problems with Fluttershy, rocky relationship with Mom - are more like background fluff which don't seem to have any (negative) effect on her current life. When somepony points out her problems, it's never her fault, and the accuser comes off sounding like the jerk. Journcy mentioned Charlie Sheen - Cloud Kicker's like Charlie Sheen, if he had no sponsors to care about losing, and maybe if his show only aired on 4chan.
And yet I wish there were a dozen more chapters to read. Still on my favorites list, too.
WOO! Kicker is such a fool sometimes...
“Hey everypony!” I called out loud enough for entire marketplace to hear me. “This shop discriminates against the poor!”
This is a Mass Effect reference correct? A Renegade Shepard way to get a store discount.
Well.. THAT was an unexpected turn of events.
FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS!
Oh, and keep up the good work. This is shaping up to be a fantastic fanfic..
Fantastic!!! As always. Go Brawlershy!!!!!!!! lollolololol.
CQ, The line should be Adonis DNA. It's a reference to an old greek myth where two goddesses fought over a man. The result was that one of them who wasn't involved killed him with a wild boar.
Glad to see some pony knows their Air Core flier ranks
701294
Am I your dirty little secret?
Awesome! Fluttershy vs. Blossomforth. Original Recipe vs. Dash-Haired Redeco. Sweet and Quiet vs. Smart and Bashful. Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen! It's gonna be a slobberknocker!
(I hope Blossom kicks her butt. She deserves to get a solid win after what I did to her in my story...
)
Fixed the "Adomis" goof. I'm blaming the FimFic server problems for that one. Or Derpy. Possibly both.
923763
Yeah, it's during the Iron Will episode. As for the guy Fluttershy was beating up, she probably either caught him off guard or he couldn't bring himself to hit Fluttershy.
923836
When it comes to CK seeming a bit too perfect, one should always bear in mind that we're seeing the story entirely through her eyes. Like a lot of ponies (and people), Cloud Kicker tends to be a little blind to her own flaws. If Blossomforth was the PoV charcter (which almost happened) we'd have a very different take on Cloud Kicker, Blossomforth herself, Derpy, and some of the other characters.
923763 Yes, that's why, earlier in the chapter, Fluttershy was negotiating cherry prices.
Also, for those who are curious, the word "bang" appears 20 times in chapter 4.
Fuck, that's a sucker's bet. 20 on Fluttershy!
Blossom's friendship with CK is certainly taking her to some interesting places. And I'm enjoying it greatly.
Okay, that Mass Effect 2 reference? Pure. Gold.
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This is actually the second time I've had to use this image today. It's only been today for 13 minutes. Today is off to a good start.
I really enjoy this story, great job
yep
924684
being attacked by Fluttershy is somewhat similar to getting viciously mauled by a duck armed with a nuclear powered trout
it may be happening, but the levels of WTF? involved stop your brain from working properly until it reboots
923836
You're not supposed to take this fic that seriously. Cloudkicker's basically a parody of the Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen thinks he is when he's high, only a chick pony.
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Having finally got off my lazy arse long enough to sign up to FiMfiction the other day, I can now actually say that I'm very much enjoying this fic as much as all your other stories in the past.
(And while you're cranking out Pony fanfic, I can totally forgive you for not continuing Cutting Loose! (Though it would be nice to see that done eventually, given that it's in the top ten of my favourite Naruto fics*.) But, hey, no rush, right, and this is as just as good!)
Excellent work, as per usual!
*If you ever decided to do a pony/Naruto crossover, it would be amazing!
925356
Totally right! That's what I get for posting from work. Like I said, this one's still on my watch list, and it will be until it says "complete".
With luck the next chapter will involve a Violent Torpedo of Hoof.
I can't even begin to say how much I like this fic; from Blossomforth's spirited defense of Cloud Kicker, right down to Derpy's adorableness about Cloud Kicker's habits.
Bravo, I say, bravo! 
Oh, and twenty bits on Blossomforth.
Cloudkicker is swiftly becoming best pone. Winning.
Is that a Rodney Dangerfield reference or are you just happy to see me?
I want Blossom to win.... but I have the feeling the fight will be broken up before there is a winner.
20 bits on Fluttershy.
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This made my day. Looking forward to more of this...
928459
It's a call-back to "The Incredibly Dense Mind of Rainbow Dash" where the two of them joked about writing to the Princess regarding the UST between Applejack and Rarity.
928528
Thanks. Now that you mention that, I'm able to find that part in the previous story again. Ah...I get it now.
This is such an awesome story. I love it. And I retract my previous comment about Cloudkicker being Captain Jack. She has way too many morals and rules to be Harkness.
But I'm curious - when during "Putting Your Hoof Down" does that last scene take place? If I recall, in that episode Pinkie and Rarity got worried about "New Fluttershy" rather quickly in her rampage.