• Published 3rd Aug 2015
  • 530 Views, 2 Comments

A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...} - Bumblebee Tuner



In a world where everyone is special, no one is. The usual terrorism surrounding Magic vs Science in Academy City. A Challenging Crack-Fic Crossover Between MLP:FIM and A Certain Scientific Railgun / A Certain Magical Index and other Kadokawa anime.

  • ...
7
 2
 530

Student Profiles

A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria

Chapter 2

Student Profiles

Princess Luna's 'Center For Kids Who Can't Magic Good, and Wan'na Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too' wasn't just another school located in the heart of Academy City. It was a CLOUD research facility that housed state of the art medical facilities, a hamburger university for vocational skills training, and a public library which rivaled anything available through many a rare bookseller or online media warehouse in the exterior. To become one of Little Woona's Urban Achievers you had to be truly special among the special needs population. Not remarkable, just special in that your parents had more money to burn than common sense. The only exception to this was, of course, Twilight Sparkle. Who, through some fluke or strange coincidence, won the contest to name the learning center while pretending to be a fifth grader. Technically, she wasn't really pretending. But, Luna had no idea Twilight Sparkle was _THAT_ special until she laid eyes upon her. And, clearly there was no one more special than Twilight Sparkle. Princess Luna had just assumed Twilight Sparkle was a bit slow among the underprivileged, not developmentally challenged beyond all hope of repair.

Luna had seen fewer than three such creatures assembled by a necromancer or alchemist with as much care and precision craftsmanship. In fact, if it wasn't for the glamour spell to hide the stitching, and the fact that Twilight Sparkle's blood had been replaced with some sort of magically regenerating dark ichor, she might be completely indistinguishable from other foals. Her blood, now the color of ebon darkness shrouded with a faint purple glow, was probably the only 'dead' give away. Whether or not Ms. Cheerilee was unaware of the full extent of Twilight Sparkle's handicap, or whether it was a lie of omission, one thing was painfully obvious. Twilight Sparkle was among the living impaired. While admittedly a high functioning zombie, or goul depending on whatever terminology was politically correct at the moment, Twilight Sparkle was by all means not the only zombie in Academy City. After all, there was at least one other working in a nearby café, and [if she had to hazard a guess] at least a community of hundred more within the city limits. Additionally, while it's true that even Jello has brainwaves Twilight Sparkle clearly wasn't getting the necessary intake of proteins and metta-cognitive brainwaves necessary to maintain a level of healthy psychological functioning much higher than that of a dog.

Princess Luna idly looked over the rest of the files of the students in her end class. The files were stacked half-hazardly on her desk before shimmering briefly, floating a foot off the desktop and encircling her like an organized rolodex with a faint blue glow. After selecting one of the files as they rotated around her with all the energy of a praxinoscope, the files neatly lined up and fell onto the desk once more. Luna then took a moment to flip through the file on hoof.

Diamond Tiara, code named the Alchemist, was special in a different way from Twilight Sparkle. And, even among the special she was special. A natural prodigy when it came to alchemy and earth based magic she was largely tutored in the arcane until she accidentally stumbled upon telekinesis as a poor facsimile of substitutiary locomotion. With the unfortunate side effect of permanently crippling her ability to use magic ever again unless she wanted to suffer internal hemorrhaging or a grand mal seizure accompanied by fits of epilepsy, she is currently recovering from a form of goldfield syndrome. The investigation into how a promising level 4 gemstone was reduced to a level 0 three hares away from being a permanent vegetable was still pending. There was, of course, speculation that Diamond Tiara pissed off the wrong person before it backfired and nearly cost the filly her life. While it can neither be confirmed or denied, it was also suspected that her father either runs or maintains order within the criminal underworld of Academy City. As such, it was with extreme caution and trepidation that any treatment plan involving cloning or experimental surgery be taken very seriously and blah, blah, blah. Nothing interesting there.

Next file; Button Mash, code named Minecraft and better known as the god of gaming, an autistic technophile and strategist who spends most of his free time playing what he likes to call 'gal games.' Rarely a moment passes when he isn't staring idly at a computer screen of one form or another like a tonberry. His half sister Elise, a thestral of some sort code named Fire Engine, being the only other person he talks to with any regular frequency (in more than single word sentences). When he isn't out playing detective, or patrolling the streets like a common gigolo looking to snatch a young filly's first kiss, he seems to turn up at a lot of crime scenes with casual disinterest and a flex rack, both highlighting the fact he is magically disabled and usually supporting a pocket media player he mastered with the use of his tongue. Additionally, there were rumors that if he kissed a girl she would have no memory of him following the exchange.

While certainly more interesting than Diamond Tiara, Button Mash was nothing to write home about, and if a lady couldn't remember her first kiss then it was doubtful he'd have meaningful relationships with any pony other than his sister for the foreseeable future. Next File…Apple Bloom Magnus, Luna would be having words with the recruiter of their latest hire. While Apple Bloom's picture was conspicuously missing from the teachers file, one thing was obvious, if it took her seven years to complete a four year degree she was clearly incompetent. And, while all the A's on her transcript looked promising, taking anthropology, sociology, communication, and speech language pathology classes as her electives instead of learning a second language proved she was anything but clever. Apple Bloom was neither cum laude or valedictorian, and her degree had no minor whatsoever. The only possible explanation was her recruiter had been charmed by a gifted lemming who knew how to feign intelligence and play catfish. Not to mention Luna had never heard of a 'Canterlot High School' much less Apple Bloom's previous employer 'Sweet Apple Acres.' Granny Smith indeed, Luna rubbed her temple in annoyance and decided it simply wasn't worth it to press the issue further. After all, it wasn't like she needed anything more than a foal sitter to play look out for the students anyway. Still, whoever this Apple Bloom character was she must have been a real idiot. She'd met children who could speak a second language, and this girl could barely speak the one if her regular 'C's in college English were any indicator of academic intelligence.

Next up, Snails Escargot , second oldest student enrolled in the end class after Twilight Sparkle. Registered in the Academy City database as Black Swordsman, Snails was one of the roughly 6,000 survivors of Sword Art Online. SAO was a massive multiplayer online role playing death game that lasted just over two years and cost the city billions in medical expenses alone. Snails, while academically gifted, was literally a psychopath and total failure (if not a complete retard) when it came to logical reasoning, choice dilemma, and citizenship questions. When confronted with test scores revealing his status as a violent psychopath, Snails argued the tests were stupid, unrealistic, and did absolutely nothing to keep a real tyrant from acquiring money, status, power, and influence. Bold words considering the tests also revealed Snails has both a paranoid personality disorder and no natural leadership ability whatsoever. With a strong need to objectify others, and a need to protect his property like a dragon should a situation come to blows, it was hoped he would imprint on one of the other students in the end class like a "badass baby duckling." Then, once tethered like the dog he was, continue preparing him to enter military service like all the other SAO survivors.

Finally, there was Snips, codenamed the Joker. Who genuinely believed he was an extra terrestrial from the planet Arkham and that his girl Harley would love the new meds he was tripping on. Other than the delusion he was an alien from another world, and that the learning facility was actually some sort of outpatient mental hospital where the lunatics were running the asylum, the Joker seemed mostly harmless and agreed to keep a watchful eye on the Black Swordsman. Should he notice any signs that his new 'friend was a danger or threat to himself or others Snips was to report to the nurses station immediately and let the Anti-Skill or Judgment officers effectively neutralize him. Luna sighed, she really needed some wild turkey if these ponies were the best chance she had at assassinating the great and powerful "Trixie" Lulamoon before she became an alicorn.

Every single pony on file were little more than a bunch of two bit hacks. Granted, Luna still had until weasel stomping day to get them all up to snuff. For the moment, however, the only two she could consider putting money on at this point were Diamond Tiara and Twilight Sparkle. That is, of course, assuming she didn't find Twilight Sparkle's mysterious necromancer first. All she had to go on was pink thread and yellow pegasus feathers at this point. It just didn't make any sense. It was almost as if Luna were looking for the ghost of that poor little orphan mare Fluttershy. The poor filly whose body was recovered during an investigation of the local rainbow factory, after it was learned what happened to young pegasi who didn't meet certain homogeneous standards or requirements in the pecking order, couldn't help but remind Luna of Snow Drop and her brother Cruise Control. It was absolutely barbaric how pegasi treated their crippled foals and wounded. At the very least, Luna felt secure in the knowledge that she gave her little urban achievers the chance to let their deaths have meaning for all their suffering. And, while the hypocrisy of what she was doing completely eluded Luna at the moment, that security was enough to make her feel better about herself. Besides, with teamwork and synergy all things were possible.

Author's Note:

A/n: Wow, just wow. There are just so many people who inspired the opening to this crack-fic I don't know where to begin. Obviously, I don't own any anime or cartoons referenced such as My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, The World God Only Knows, Batman, Sword Art Online, A Certain Magical Index/Scientific Railgun, The Future Diary, Is that A Zombie!? Nor can I take full credit for the inspiration I took from fanfic authors like Luna Brony and Arania among others. When I started this story I had initially toyed with the idea of a challenge, that of making a coherent 200,000 word story with each chapter based on the pilot from a different anime or tv series and adding to it each chapter. This chapter would have been Related to 'Is That a Zombie!?' And the next probably something along the lines of The Adventures of Tintin, Outbreak Company, Stony Cat and the Hen tai Prince etc., etc… Of course, the story itself is already unnecessarily complicated. I thought it would be a good learning experience in expressing ideas since I've always had trouble explaining some of bat-spit crazy stuff that happens in half the anime I watch. And, I'd get Kudos for my esoteric knowledge of fun anime like Space Dandy and the like. That said, I'm probably going to work on my second draft of Applebloom ½, maybe I can pique the interest of more than ten people and get more than 2 followers this time. lol XD