• Member Since 15th May, 2015
  • offline last seen Jul 26th, 2021

CristalGalaxy


Avatar by @Whiskerr on DeviantArt <3

Comments ( 8 )

Not bad.
+1

Huh. I've seen a lot of Cupcakes follow-up fics, but I've never seen one quite like this before! ^-^ I love this ^-^
I give this a Muffin Rating of: Ten out of ten muffins! :derpytongue2:
~SoDF

6927732
No, you're the best! ^-^ and your stories prove it!

6928120 Thank you!! *smiles so much her cheeks start aching*

6928677
No, thank you for your wonderful works! ^-^

This is certainly a very good fic, but the only problem is that there are a few places which seem to have a spelling or grammar mistake, or it could just have better wording (unless it is actually meant to reflect her thoughts). I will point to a few.

It surely was her screaming.

There was no err in grammar or spelling, but could have better wording like "It was definitely her screaming." or "It had to be her screaming."

Sheesh theses rulers don't know how to manage a country.

I know this is Pinkie's thoughts, but would "Sheesh, these rulers..." be slightly better?

"Miss. Pie? Death on the 14th of July ?"

"Miss Pie? Death on the 14th of July?" Not much wrong, just an extra, unnecessary space and the period which you put at the end of miss throughout the whole story. Don't put a period at the end of the word miss unless it ends the sentence. The period goes at the end of Ms., Mrs., Mr., and a few other I can't remember, none of which is used in this fic.

"Do you know why you are dead Miss. Pie?"

"Do you know why you are dead, Miss Pie?"

"Listen I don't..."

"Listen, I don't..."

"which will never end of course."

"which will never end, of course." Okay, so there are a lot of places which should have commas. I'll try to avoid showing the rest unless it has another problem there.

"I just can't believe you!" suddenly screeched Rainbow, "Do you know how much pain you caused me?! And all our friends? You injured me both physically and mentally.
Because of you, I can't have fun. Because of you, I don't even know what's going to happen to Scootaloo! Because of you, I lost my coltfriend... And I'm going to make you regret that forever"

Either do this:
"I just can't believe you!" suddenly screeched Rainbow, "Do you know how much pain you caused me?! And to all of our friends? You injured me both physically and mentally. Because of you, I can't have fun. Because of you, I don't even know what's going to happen to Scootaloo! Because of you, I lost my coltfriend... And I'm going to make you regret that forever"
or this:
"I just can't believe you!" suddenly screeched Rainbow, "Do you know how much pain you caused me?! And to all of our friends? You injured me both physically and mentally.
"Because of you, I can't have fun. Because of you, I don't even know what's going to happen to Scootaloo! Because of you, I lost my coltfriend... And I'm going to make you regret that forever"

In case you're wondering who Rainbow's coltfriend is, It's Soarin of course.

For this, the only problem is the capitalization of the word "it's".

All in all, this is a very good fic, it just has a number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. I will favorite it.

Keep practicing your writing. Try some original concepts that don't rely on the fame or success of stories that came before yours. You can do it.

Login or register to comment