Hey all! this marks my first fic, and I'm thrilled to join the community! hmu on pm with any thoughts, or just leave a comment!!
Edit: I just wanted to let you all know that this was intended to be a one-chapter fic, but based on some of the very flattering reactions I've gotten, I may consider extending it. Thanks everypony for your warm and kind comments!!!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/synopsis
I adored the story, but the lack of a synopsis was a letdown. This also didn't scream 'romance' as it did 'slice of life.'
Very nice, you have piqued my curiosity. I shall be following this avidly, very well written.
Synopsis? Well, for now the lack of synopsis will be noticed and will put people off, but if you want to stay in the shadows so to speak, seeing as this is your first story, and then add a synopsis later, once you are ready to widen your audience, that could also work.
I do have a small criticism. If you are going to write a first person secondary character, you will discover it is extraordinarily more difficult than third person, or first person primary character. How will your secondary character continue to follow the mare with green glasses around? Will you be forced to switch character perspectives? I think I see the angle you wish to take this, and it is an interesting story arc. In my minds eye, the plot is going to be that the secondary character falls in love with the main, which would be interesting to do.
First person secondary character will also add an out-of-touch feel to your story, which may be what you are going for. However, if it isn't, you can still have vibrant and real secondary characters without having to write from their perspective to get that across to the audience.
Kudos for the excellent story start, very well written and nice story concept. Expect many likes from me!
Not a bad idea at all for a story and well done making the first step towards contributing to this site.
Now, I must comment on a couple things. This is a "fanfiction" style of story. It's a particular genre in which a universe is often distorted or changed to create a new story. Fallout Equestria is a well known fanfiction style story that changes the MLP universe. This one takes radical departures from the MLP universe too but there's no exposition as to why it is the case which makes me wonder about the world that Pixel Wavelength inhabits. In this fanfiction, mares seem to live in fear. That's an incredible difference from the usual but it's not explained. And the idea of sharing nude photos when the default for ponies is to be nude is jarring. Unless this fanfiction is a world where ponies normally wear clothes and nudity is forbidden or discouraged. Again, not explained.
So, I would suppose that some expansion would be useful.
I loved the story. A good panel on cyber bullying gone wrong, but I am confused about the ending.
The way you put it, the guard was scaring Pixel, but the guard just wanted Pixel to see the princess... why is that bad?
6301939 A couple things. The pony with the green glasses isn't Pixel, the princess is. The pony with the green glasses remains nameless for now. It's not necessarily a bad thing that the guard is speaking to her, but, as a shy pony, the mare panics and doesn't know what to do. The problem isn't that he wants her to meet Pixel, the problem is that he's being aggressive and not giving her a choice in the matter. Imo, consent and communication are everything and our narrator steps in when she sees both being disregarded.
6303928 I know that the green glasses is not pixel, and about the guard. Maybe that's just how he talks? It is important for him to make himself known, intimidation is just a by product of being a guard, and wouldn't meeting the princess be something good for Pixel?
Also if she had to meet with the princess, then why would Green Glasses get in the way of that? It's a good thing.
That's why I am confused. It's a good thing that Pixel gets to meet with the princess... nothing sad or scary about it. The guard is just doing his job, not trying to be aggressive in the slightest.
6303942 Just to clarify, Pixel is the princess. They're one and the same. I'm not trying to say that what the guard is doing is bad, just that it's a scary situation for this particular pony, due to her own shyness and nervousness.
6268647 Thank you very kindly!! I had intended for this to be a single chapter story, but I might consider expanding in the future if I decide there's more that needs to be told about these characters.
6304012 All I have to say is, if Pixel's that shy then how did she speak in front of a crowd with such enthusiasm? I mean it was like a ted talk. And if she's a princess then shouldn't she have guards? Wouldn't she know that they weren't going to harm her? Wouldn't she know their role in the life of a princess, and if she was so in control on stage in front of maybe twenty other ponies, wouldn't she be able to politely nod and follow him?
6304016 The 'Chapter 1' title confused me into thinking there would be more
In any case, kudos!
6304751 Yeah, I couldn't figure out how to get rid of it.
On behalf of Poniverse, first of all I want to thank you for taking the time to write and enter this fic into our contest. All of our staff very much appreciate it. Second of all, I will say that I think this idea of Pixel being an almost Steve Jobs-like character is very clever, and the conference itself was very interesting to read about. Where this fic lost me was the main character, namely because we knew too little about him/her (I honestly don't know which it was, though I think the main character was a stallion). The fic was so short that I didn't quite understand what the main character's motivations or goals were. It was quite polished and the pacing was good, but again, I don't know why the main character was doing anything. If you were too continue writing this story, that might solve some of these problems; as it stands, what you have is a very well-written story, but one that can't help but feel incomplete. For your first fic, it's a very good start, but I encourage you to keep writing and developing your skills since you show some very good promise. If you have any questions for me, let me know, and I'd be happy to help!
Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.
This story actually . . . kind of scares me. I'm actually not sure if this is a mistake of yours or if you've stumbled across something kind of brilliant. Let me elaborate in the form a review. I'll apologize in advance if I come across as scathing.
First off, your grammar for this story is near-impeccable, and that's something I really can't say for many writers. Whether it's you or your editors, you deserve praise for writing such a technically competent piece!
I also like the protagonist, but was somewhat confused by her. This is one of those rare stories where the protagonist is not written as entirely virtuous. Actually, in this story, she's kind of despicable. This is actually quite refreshing, as I can probably count on one hand the number of stories I've read with despicable protagonists!
The end confuses me, though. I actually can't tell if our protagonist has been turned around by Pixel's speech or if she's still the same and just chose to chase after someone else, but I'm leaning on the former. It might have helped if you had injected our protagonists inner thoughts while Pixel was giving her lecture. That would give a better idea of whether she still spurned Pixel's ideals or was being turned around by them.
Finally, here's the clincher issue: you may or may not have been planning this, but this story appears to be the genesis of a dark dystopia. Pixel's ideals, while admirable and respectable, are the same as those governmental agencies that seek to censor those that don't adhere to praising its agents. Take a look at this line by Pixel:
That's a great idea, but it really scared me, and it was when I believed that Pixel's ideas were misguided. The line between protection of privacy and censoring is a fine one, but here, I think Pixel crossed it.
Whether you planned this or not, the fact that you write the story so virtuously and even have Pixel gain her princesshood from adhering to these "ideals" only makes it darker. A universe where censoring is rewarded and a princess converts common ponies to fall under her regime: yikes!
Maybe now you can tell why I'm scared. But that doesn't mean the story isn't good. Of course, if you did intend to write a dystopia, I'm not sure if Poniverse would approve of this characterization of Pixel. If you didn't, you might want to change a few things. Regardless, great job, and good luck in the contest!
6271666
Thank you very much for the compliments and the advice. You brought up a couple points that I had overlooked, so thanks for that as well!
6328442
Thank you for bringing up this point, it's very much something I actually wanted to elaborate on. This is such a sensitive and emotional topic that I'm discussing, and it required great care on my part as there are simply so many people, particularly in this fandom that have been affected so strongly in this kind of situation. My intent here was to show how a victim would react seeing this happen to other people, and how the people she aims to help react to the sudden relief she gives them. Yes, censorship is dangerous, but, imo, it's the lesser of two evils. Just because a crime is virtual doesn't make it any less harmful and dangerous, and therefore real, if that makes any sense. The slippery slope argument also doesn't hold much ground with me, based mostly on its past uses. There's no reason that monitoring and censoring hate speech should lead to the destruction of all political or social protests. Of course, this is just one person's opinion, and should not be taken as anything more than that.
6345729
Naturally, it seems that you and I differ in that respect. I respect the fact that virtual speech is just as real as its real-life counterpart, but by that same token, it has a right to be expressed if its simply a dissenting opinion. Whether or not something would be censored depends on whether its classified as a dissenting opinion or slander. But that's an argument for politicians, not small-time story writers.